The Canonical List of Tom Swifties

Date Received: Wed, 3 Feb 1993
From: Mark Israel
Subject: The Canonical Collection of Tom Swifties
Keywords: Sawyer ready for thumb tomfoolery?

Caution to Readers

This is THE Canonical Collection of Tom Swifties, posted by the man who collected and organized them -- and wrote many of them -- with the sweat of his brow. I meticulously acknowledge my sources. Certain thieves have seen fit to repost earlier versions of this collection with my name and the other credits DELETED! Shame, shame, shame. Those who approve of courtesy to living Canonical Collection compilers will not re-post any version of this collection from which my name is missing.
Mark Israel

Not many dictionaries define "Tom Swifty". One that does is The Random House Dictionary of the English Language, 1st edition (1966):

Tom Swifty, a play on words that follows an unvarying pattern and relies for its humor on a punning relationship between the way an adverb describes a speaker and at the same time refers significantly to the import of the speaker's statement, as in _"I know who turned off the lights," Tom hinted darkly._ [named after a narrative mannerism characteristic of the _Tom Swift_ American series of adventure novels for boys]

In actual use, "Tom Swifty" seems to have a somewhat broader meaning, and includes the form christened "croakers" by Roy Bongartz, wherein a verb rather than an adverb supplies the pun (e.g. "I'm dying", he croaked).

"Who is this Tom Swifty character anyway?" asked Tom unselfconsciously.

Tom Swift was the brainchild of Edward L. Stratemeyer (1862-1930). Stratemeyer first used the name "Tom Swift" for the title character in "Shorthand Tom; or, the exploits of a young reporter", serialized in 1894. Sixteen years later he re-used the name for a new character, an ingenious youth whose amazing scientific inventions and discoveries would carry him to weird and wonderful places. The Tom Swift adventure series, which was published under the pseudonym Victor Appleton, began with _Tom Swift and his motor-cycle; or Fun and Adventure on the road_ in 1910, and continued until 1935 (5 years after Stratemeyer's death!). Stratemeyer was also the creator of the Bobbsey Twins, Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys, and other lesser-known series. Stratemeyer only supplied the characters and the (repetitive) plots for his books; he had a syndicate of some 20 hack writers to do the actual writing. The chief actual writer of the Tom Swift books was Howard Roger Garis (1873-1962). After Stratemeyer's death, the syndicate was taken over by his daughter, Harriet S. Adams, who in 1954 started the "Tom Swift, Jr." series under the pseudonym Victor Appleton II.

The "narrative mannerism" that the Random House Dictionary mentions was not the Tom Swifty as such, but merely the laboured avoidance of the unadorned use of the word "said". Tom never merely "said" anything; he asserted, asseverated, averred, chuckled, declared, ejaculated, expostulated, grinned (plainly or mischievously), groaned, quipped, or smiled. In particular, sentences of the form: "---", Tom said ---ly. were used ad nauseam. Then one day day someone decided to satirize the mannerism by using puns, and the Tom Swifty was born.

I am ignorant of who first used the humorous form of Tom Swifty, or of whether the form is older than the name. I seem to recall once reading that "'One or two lumps?' she asked sweetly" dates from the early part of this century, but I have lost the reference. Perhaps it was Dorothy Parker or one of her fellow Algonquin wits, who were fond of a game called "Give me a sentence", where the challenged party had to supply a sentence punning on a given word. I would be most grateful to anyone who could help me fill in the gaps here.

What follows is a large collection of Tom Swifties. They are alphabetized -- by adverb if there is one (even if the adverb is not the pun word), or, if there is no adverb, by pun word. Some (actually almost half of them) are original with me. Some were culled from Usenet. (The Usenet contributors include David Albert, Marty Billingsley, Tim Bissell, Paul Bouchard, Mark Bradakis, Malcolm Carlock, William Carton, Wayne Christopher, Ben Cranston, Matt Crawford, Steve Creps, Will Crowder, Daniel Dasaro, William Davidsen, Norman Diamond, Jay D'Lugin, Craig Eisler, Sharon Lynne Fisher, Gordon Fitch, John Freeman, Charlie Gibbs, Michael Goldman, Dan Gordon, Helen Grayson, Sigrid Grimm, Marc de Groot, Carl Hansen, Nick Hocking, Larry Hughes, Chris Jackson, Ken Johnson, Bret Jolly, Alun Jones, Bill Kauffman, Bill Kinnersley, Rod Kessler, Matt Landau, Dave Learn, Mike Lee, John Lepor, William Lewis, Peter van der Linden, Larry Lippman, Rich Long, Roger Lustig, Ken Marks, Jay Marshall, Duke McMullan, Josh Mittleman, Razi Mohiuddin, William Moran, Peter Mroz, Phil OKunewick, Fraser Orr, Eric Osman, Colin Plumb, Tom Pohorsky, Larry Prince, Jeffrey Putnam, Robert Rebbe, Harold Reynolds, Jeremy Ronsen, Daniel Simon, Steve Simon, David Skoll, J. M. Spencer, Paul Stygar, Michael Takefman, David Tamkin, Steve Tanner, Paul Tomblin, Win Treese, Fred Ullom, Steve Vance, Rebekah Wantz, Neil Weinstock, Brian Westley, Matthew Wiener, Julia Wilkinson, and Jessica Wilson. Sorry if I missed anybody. If your name isn't here it may be because all your contributions duplicated earlier ones. It seems that there was a previous Usenet collection, a small part of which was preserved and mailed to me by Dani Zweig. If you have such a thing please let me know.) Some were contributed by participants in a local online conference here (Walter Aiello, Christopher Dutchyn, Al Dunbar, Tom Hall, Layne Marshal, Cliff Morgan, Christopher Morrow, Gerald Oskoboiny, John Sell, Allen Supynuk, and Dan Wilson). Some were solicited from friends, relatives, and acquaintances (Riyad Abu-Laban, Andrew Bacon, David Bacon, John Patrick Day, Inge Israel, David Pierre Leibovitz, Alan Minue, Clifford Mol, Laura Pylypow, and Leonard Steele). Yet others are taken without permission from: _A Cache of Clevernesses_, by Antony Lake (New York: Hart, 1974); _Word Games for Families who are Still Speaking to Each Other_, by Ann and John Robson (Don Mills: Paperjacks, 1974); material reprinted from some _Saturday Review_ articles in _An Almanac of Words at Play_, by Willard R. Espy (New York: Clarkson N. Potter, 1975) (these also appear in _The Joy of Lex_, by Gyles Brandreth (New York: Morrow, William, and Co, 1980)); _The Complete Pun Book_, by Art Moger (Secaucus: Citadel, 1979); _The Oxford Guide to Word Games_, by Tony Augarde (OUP, 1984); _Get Thee to a Punnery_, by Richard Lederer (Charleston: Wyrick, 1988); the 25 Jan 1988 installment of the syndicated column "National Challenge", by J. Baxter Newgate, sent to me by Paula Moddell; and a list found in a laundromat by Frank Reid. I only picked the ones that I personally thought were funny. If you have some good ones that I seem to have missed, please send me mail.

Mark Israel

{=== Some modifications and many additions by Harold Reynolds ===}

A Entries

1. "I'm wearing my wedding ring," said Tom with abandon. 28. "It's a unit of electric current," said Tom amply.
2. "I caught two hares," said Tom abrasively. 29. "Orgasms are overrated," said Tom anticlimactically.
3. "The number of people not attending class today really bothers me," said the professor absent-mindedly. 30. It weighs one-sixteenth of an pound, Tom announced.
4. "I like modern painting," said Tom abstractly. 31. "We had trouble with the propulsion systems for those moon flights," said the NASA engineer apologetically.
5. "Now THAT's worth stealing," said Tom abstractly. 32. "Here's the story of the Liberty Bell," Tom told us appealingly.
6. "This is the first step towards my thesis," said Tom abstractly. 33. "My compliments to the company that makes the Macintosh computer," said Tom applaudingly.
7. "The executioner has received the tool he needs," said Tom with a heavy accent. 34. "I'm of greater value to you every day," said Tom appreciatively.
8. "Let's all play an A, a C#, and an E," cried the band with one accord. 35. "I'll take that," said Tom appropriately.
9. "I got this ballpoint pen from a Yugoslav friend," said Tom acerbically. 36. "2 bdrm furn w 5 appl," said Tom aptly.
10. "Aye, every inch!" said Lear achingly. 37. "We can't have this and eat it too," said Tom archaically.
11. "This salad dressing has too much vinegar," said Tom acidly. 38. "I always eat at McDonald's," said Tom archly.
12. "All right -- we'll use a water solution," Tom acquiesced. 39. "I do not have flat feet!" said Tom archly.
13. "I like fuzzy bunnies," gurgled Tom acutely. 40. "It's an actual parameter, not a formal parameter," was Tom's argument.
14. "I insist on naming the first male insect," said Tom adamantly. 41. "You have the right to remain silent," said Tom arrestingly.
15. "I've got another @#$%*! insect in my pants," said Tom adamantly. 42. "I've had it up to here with Post-Modern Expressionism," said the goat artfully.
16. "There's room for one more," Tom admitted. 43. "One of the ten finalists in the 'London derriere' contest had to drop out," said Tom asininely.
17. "Here's your allowance for the next two weeks," Tom advanced. 44. "It's not a candy mint, it's a breath mint," Tom asserted.
18. "Those hookers are putting notices in the personals," Tom advised. 45. "Yes, I agree to smell like a donkey," Tom assented.
19. "I could stand to lose 50% of my body weight," said Tom affably. 46. "Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays I sleep in a wigwam; Tuesdays, Thursdays, and weekends I sleep in a teepee," said Tom very attentively.
20. "The jelly is 50% set," Tom affirmed. 47. "I wrote the book on that subject," said Tom authoritatively.
21. "By convention!" cussed Tom airily. 48. "Don't give me the gears!" said Tom automatically.
22. "The atmosphere is primarily nitrogen and oxygen," breathed Tom airily. 49. "In the beginning voz...," averred the German preacher.
23. "Fire!" yelled Tom alarmingly. 50. "She's mine," averred the Cockney chauvinist.
24. "I'm halfway up the mountain," Tom alleged. 51. "I don't want to rewrite this in prose," said Tom aversely.
25. "There's no need for silence," Tom allowed. 52. "What do ants and bees use for cattle?" asked Tom avidly.
26. "England is okay, except there seems to be at least one blood-sucking insect in every outhouse," said Tom aloofly. 53. "{sum += $2} END {print sum}," said Tom awkwardly.
27. "Everything Albert says is so obvious," said Tom altruistically.  

B Entries

1. "That city will NEVER be rebuilt," the prophets babble on. 28. "Rasputin and I are lovers," said Nicholas bizarrely.
2. "I just swallowed a fishing lure," said Tom with baited breath. 29. "I've only enough carpet for the hall and landing," said Tom with a blank stare.
3. "I'm going to get a hair transplant," said Tom baldly. 30. " ," said Tom blankly.
4. "This boat leaks," said Tom balefully. 31. "Those bullets can't hurt me," said Tom blankly.
5. "I'll get you out of prison in no time," said Tom balefully. 32. "My giant sea creature died," Tom wailed blubberingly.
6. "I just ate a block of hay," said Tom balefully. 33. "This wind is awful!" blustered Tom.
7. "I find panda food confusing," said Tom, bamboozled.OK 34. "I need a pencil sharpener," said Tom bluntly.
8. "!" said Tom while banging his head. 35. Keep Your Hair Neat: Bobby Pins and Hera ClipsJA
9. "Those ballet students should be forced to do their exercises in the nude," said Tom barbarically. 36. "I think I'll use a different font," said Tom boldly.
10. "Boy, will I give YOU a haircut!" said Tom barbarously. 37. "My fellow Americans," boomed Ronald Reagan, "I have just signed legislation to outlaw the state of Russia for ever..."
11. "Dorothy, if you're going to Oz again, I'm going with you," Em barked. 38. "I still haven't struck oil," said Tom boringly.
12. "I use the Bourne Again Shell," said Tom bashfully. 39. "This is mutiny!" said Tom bountifully.
13. "I keep bumping my head on things," said Tom bashfully. 40. "My ancestor was a famous Confederate general who had an army fort named after him," Tom bragged.
14. "This is the most common language used on micros," said Tom basically. 41. "I ain't afraid of those white men," said Cochise bravely.
15. "Take me to the dance," Mary bawled. 42. "Now no-one can detect my halitosis," said Tom breathlessly.
16. "I'm losing my hair!" Tom bawled. 43. "There's a blood-sucking insect in my French cheese," said Tom briefly.
17. "This meat is hard to chew," Tom beefed jerkily. 44. "My underpants are too small," said Tom briefly.OK
18. "Ouch! When I get stung, I want revenge," said Tom begrudgingly. 45. "Eating uranium can cause strange effects," said Tom brightly.
19. "I'm sure we can fool them into thinking this is pollen," said Tom beguilingly. 46. "Many hands make light work," said Tom brightly.
20. "This flower's empty," the drone said belatedly. 47. "Take tea and see," said Tom briskly.
21. "I am NOT full of hot air," Tom belched. 48. "Use your own hair brush," Tom bristled.
22. "Get out of here!" said Tom believingly. 49. "Get out of my hair," was Tom's brush-off.
23. "Let's make this fire hotter!" Tom bellowed. 50. "The stock market's going up," said Tom bullishly.
24. "I think that those floppy hats are stupid!" Tom berated. 51. "That young insect is male," said Tom buoyantly.
25. "Why shouldn't I stir my yogurt with a ballpoint pen?" Tom bickered. 52. "We don't have room for any more peripherals," said Tom bus-ily.
26. "These bit patterns will be more readable in groups of 8," said Tom bitingly. 53. "You're busted!" said the policeman to Miss Parton.
27. "This apple is sour!" said Tom bitterly. 54. "I hate computers!" exclaimed Tom bytingly.

C Entries

1. "My wife is cheating on me," Tom cackled. 48. "The prisoner escaped by climbing down a rope," said Tom condescendingly.
2. "Zoos are a necessary evil, I think," said Tom cagily. 49. "I organized that big party for the prisoners," Tom confessed.
3. "The pool player from USC had to drop out because the proper equipment didn't arrive on time," Tom calculated. 50. "The prisoners set up a corporation," the warden confirmed.
4. "So this is your new computer!" said Tom calculatingly. 51. "All right, I will allow the prisoners to wear perfume," the warden consented.
5. "Rowing so much hurts my hands," said Tom callously. 52. "We're currently thinking about a figure somewhere between 7 and 9," said Tom considerately.
6. "No, I haven't read Voltaire," said Tom Candide-ly. 53. "Now how can I trick Sidney?" Tom considered.
7. "I liked that TV show with Allan Funt," said Tom candidly.OK 54. "Don't worry, I'll take full responsibility for providing the prisoner with getaway footwear," said Tom consolingly.
8. "The hatmaker on the Titanic measured my head for a perfect fit," said Tom, capsized.OK 55. "Hey, what's it worth if I can help you to escape from prison?" asked Tom contemptuously.
9. "I've grown fat on the contents of charity packages," said Tom carefully. 56. "The escaped prisoner is camping out in the woods," said Tom contentedly.
10. "Why do you bother? I for one couldn't...," said Tom carelessly. 57. "I favour self-restraint everywhere in North America," said Tom continently.
11. "I like this drill," said Tom as he carie'd out the dental work. 58. "All I ever do is milk this damn cow," Tom uttered continuously.
12. "I don't work here on a regular basis," said Tom casually. 59. "I have writer's block," said Tom contritely.
13. "That's price-fixing!" said Tom caustically. 60. "I'm writing a poem about the rebels in Nicaragua," said Tom controversially.
14. "One can't dispute the fundamental importance of learning the alphabet," Abie ceded. 61. "I find you guilty!" said the judge with conviction.
15. "I'm afraid you've had a stroke," said Tom cerebrally. 62. "We've taken over the government," the general cooed.
16. "The number after nine must be knighted," said Tom certainly. 63. "I feel like a Chinese labourer," said Tom coolly.
17. "I admit to being amused by your long joke with the stupid punchline," said Tom, chagrined. 64. "I deal with things by abstaining," said Tom copacetically.
18. "I don't need the mantissa of the logarithm," said Tom characteristically. 65. "Have some Grenadine," said Tom cordially.
19. "All ancient Chinese artifacts should be burned," said Tom charmingly. 66. "The size of those cobs is a-maize-ing!" was Tom's corny joke.
20. "It's not polite to look directly at a man," Mary chastised. 67. "It's better to steal things together," Tom corroborated.
21. "I'm having an affair with my gamekeeper," said the lady chattily. 68. "We could use the Geiger-Muller method to check for radiation leaks," Tom countered.
22. "Hurray for our team!" said Tom cheerfully. 69. "I manufacture those tabletops that separate store clerks from their customers," said Tom counterproductively.
23. "I've run out of laundry detergent," said Tom cheerlessly. 70. "Those cattle are threatening me," said a cowed Tom.OK
24. "It's twelve noon," Tom chimed in. 71. "I hate climbing this winding staircase," said Tom coyly.
25. "That gives me a birdie for this hole," Tom chipped in. 72. "I hate shellfish," said Tom crabbily.
26. "You could try changing the layout of this microprocessor," Tom chipped in. 73. "Have some cheese," said Tom craftily.
27. "I've got to stop this motor," Tom choked. 74. "Pottery and weaving can have interesting uses," said Tom craftily.
28. "That's my gold mine!" Tom claimed. 75. "How do you start a model-T Ford without a battery?" asked Tom crankily.
29. "Another plate of steamers all around!" Tom clamoured. 76. "I love supercomputers!" giggled Tom Crayzily.
30. "My family has a great future," said Tom clandestinely. 77. "I have a theory about how certain North American First Nations maintained their energy levels through the winter," said Tom creatively.
31. "Help me set fire to this cross," said Tom clannishly. 78. "I dropped the toothpaste," said Tom, crestfallen.
32. "I'm going back to school soon," said Tom with class. 79. "Strike three!" Tom, the baseball umpire, cried out.
33. "I was completely exonerated," said Tom clearly. 80. "Please, Christopher," said Tom crisply.
34. "In my next film I play the part of Sir Edmund Hillary," said Tom climactically. 81. "I'm dying," Tom croaked.
35. "My job is to lead the audience's applause," Tom clucked. 82. "Argh! Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do!" said Jesus crossly.
36. "I don't know who stole my murder mystery board game," said Tom cluelessly.OK 83. "I've spotted more blackbirds than you have," Tom crowed.
37. "Pretend we were in the days before railways," Tom coached. 84. "@#$%*! I've struck oil," said Tom crudely.
38. "I know where to play golf," said Tom coarsely. 85. "Now THAT's sloppy embroidery," Tom needled cruelly.
39. "Have another soft drink," Tom coaxed. 86. "I hate pies with crumb bases," said Tom crustily.
40. "Roosters should be banned," clucked Tom cockily. 87. "Destroy this Temple and within three days I will raise it up," said Jesus cryptically.
41. "We're philatelists," they shouted collectively. 88. "This has been a grave undertaking," said Tom cryptically.
42. "I'm a Soviet military official," Tom commiserated. 89. "I wonder why uranium is fluorescent," said Mary curiously.
43. "I'm putting this microfiche back where it belongs," said Tom complacently. 90. "So THAT's where the next character is going to appear," said Tom after a cursory glance.
44. "Okay, you can switch on the electric chair now," said Tom conceitedly. 91. "This is as vile as the Threepenny Opera," said Tom curtly.
45. "MY frozen orange juice requires you to add SIX cans of water," said Tom with great concentration. 92. "I'm the butcher's helper," said Tom cuttingly.
46. "This is a really strong drug," Tom concluded. 93. "If the name 'St. Nicholas' for Santa Claus, and the name 'Old Nick' for the Devil, both derive from the Teutonic sea god Hold Nickar, what does that tell us about Santa Claus?" asked Tom cynically.
47. "I came, I saw," Tom concurred.  

D Entries

1. "That hydroelectric facility is so beautiful I think I'll pass out!" said Tom, fainting with dam praise. 46. "It's best to find a new word for this," Tom determined.
2. "I'm too smart to believe in Jesus Christ," said Tom with damnable cleverness. 47. "I saw that man remove my ballot from the box," said Tom devotedly.
3. "The eclipse is starting," said Tom darkly. 48. "My word is final!" Tom dictated to his secretary.
4. "The lights have gone out," said Tom darkly. 49. "Of course you graduated," said Tom diplomatically.
5. "I killed the Greek piper god," Tom deadpanned. 50. "I was removed from office," said Tom disappointedly.
6. "I wonder if I'd have better luck if I fished with a net," Tom debated. 51. "All I want is 20,000 machine guns," said the dictator disarmingly.
7. "How many dings you got in your door, there, Tom?" "Ten," Tom replied decadently. 52. "DIS[1], DIS[2], ... DIS[n] (n > 2)," Tom said in total disarray.
8. "Let's play musical chairs," said Tom deceitfully. 53. "There are no more I/O operations to do today," Tom disclosed. (Or: "This slipped object is hard to find," the surgeon disclosed.)
9. "What's wrong with a few tea leaves?" asked Tom deceivingly. 54. "I'll not have you punk rockers making music in MY auditorium," said Tom disconcertingly.
10. "Let me clean out this poison tank," said Tom deceptively. 55. "Let me out of this embassy," said Tom disconsolately.
11. "Well, that tree definitely isn't a conifer," Tom decided. 56. "Someone stole my computer terminal," said Tom disconsolately.
12. "X is an integer," Tom declared. 57. "I'm a frayed knot," said Tom discordantly.
13. "I'm not going to eat any more of those pastries," Tom de-eclaired. 58. "And dat bay is not green," Tom discovered.
14. "I've already given you the nominative, vocative, accusative, genitive, dative, and ablative, so I will say no more," Tom declined. 59. "Dat is not duh @#$%*! way to do it," Tom discussed.
15. "I don't want a bottle that can exist only in hyperspace," Tom declined. 60. "Boy, that sure took the wind out of my sails!" said Tom disgustedly.
16. "Adherents of my religion don't all have to believe the same thing," Tom decreed. 61. "I have to wear this cast for another six weeks," said Tom disjointedly.
17. "It's time to play my wild card," Tom deduced. 62. "Oh no, it'll soon be June," Tom said in dismay.
18. "Now I'll NEVER dance," said Tom defeatedly. 63. "That's the woman!" Tom said dismissively.
19. "They had to amputate them both at the ankles," Tom said defeatedly. 64. "I just got a sex change," said Tom, feeling rather disorganized.
20. "I have to attend my PhD oral examination," said Tom defensively. 65. "I just got kicked out of China!" said Tom, rather disoriented.
21. "Sure, I'll get rid of those jewels for you," said Tom defensively. 66. "Turn the record player down," said Tom disquietingly.
22. "I refuse to obey that French 'No Smoking' sign," fumed Tom defensively. 67. "Out, out, damned spot!" said Lady Macbeth distainfully. "Look what you did to the rug, you naughty dog!"
23. "But I thought forts were a good idea," whined Tom defensively. 68. "Quick! Hide all the religious pamphlets!" said Tom distractingly.
24. "Okay, you can have the gloves without lining," Tom deferred. 69. "I'm tearing my hair out over this problem," said Tom distressingly.
25. "I still think we should differentiate the magnetic flux," said Tom defiantly. 70. "I need a Latin Bible suitable for reading under water," Tom divulged.
26. "I won't listen to you, Leonard!" said Tom def-t-Lee. 71. "I've got to reach Kenilworth tonight," said Tom, trotting doggedly onward.
27. "You are going to fail my class," said the teacher degradingly. 72. "Well I'll be an S.O.B.!" said Tom doggedly.
28. "I have a B.A. in social work," said Tom with a degree of concern. 73. "Female canines often scratch the parasites on the coats of their young," said Tom dogmatically.
29. "I think all those feminists should be forced to work as housewives," said Tom deliberately. 74. "I'm on welfare," said Tom dolefully.
30. "People who sell fancy foods should be careful with knives," said Tom delicately. 75. "I won't believe that you're the resurrected Jesus until I've felt the nail-holes in your wrists," said Tom doubtingly.
31. "Oh, goody! Another blackout!" said Tom delightedly. 76. "That was a sad one-man Broadway show," said Tom, downcast.OK
32. "Welcome to the Annual Meatcutter's Convention!" delivered Tom. 77. "I tried to set my broken orbital bones with feathers, but failed," said Tom with downcast eyes.
33. "The censors took all the dirty bits out of my show," said Tom deludedly. 78. "I dropped my brace over the balcony," said Tom downcastly.
34. "This is how to put an imp in a restraining jacket," Tom demonstrated. 79. "All actors must die!" proclaimed Tom dramatically.
35. "This, that, these, those, and such," said Tom demonstratively. 80. "I'm pretty good at basketball," said Tom, dribbling.
36. "Wouldn't just gold and frankincense do?" the Magi demurred. 81. "All I ever do is work," Tom droned.
37. "I CAN'T be drowning in African waters!" pleaded Tom, deep in denial. 82. "There's too much vermouth in my martini," said Tom dryly.
38. "I have to insert this wooden spatula in your mouth," said Tom depressingly. 83. "I never go into saloons," said Tom dryly. "I've seen too many of my friends enter them optimistically and leave them mistyoptically."
39. "Get off the horse," Tom derided Mary. 84. "I like deserts," said Tom dryly.
40. "No pilaf for me, please," said Tom derisively. (Or: "Get off my lap," said Gary Hart derisively.) 85. "Barman, three German beers," said Hans dryly.
41. "This is how he murdered the mystery writer," Tom described. 86. "I wonder what syllables I should sing these sixteenth notes to," said Ward Swingle dubiously.
42. "Let me improvise this part," said Tom descriptively. 87. "Look out for that bird!" cried Tom, ducking.
43. "I haven't put air in my fifth tire," said Tom despairingly. 88. "Why would anyone want to start an Institute for the Mute?" asked Tom dumbfoundedly.
44. "I've only got two of a kind," said Tom despairingly. 89. "I'll pay off that customs official," said Tom dutifully.
45. "I will never get the hang of bowling!" wailed Tom despairingly. 90. "Why use SI units? The old c.g.s. units are my friends," said Tom dynamically.

E Entries

1. "I can see myself getting two under par on this hole," said Tom, eagle-eyed. 20. "I wouldn't marry you even if you were the only woman on earth!" said Tom evenly.
2. "You've stowed his ashes commendably," was Tom's well-earned compliment. 21. "Just what kind of show can this troupe 'The Humpty Dumpties' put on?" asked Tom exactingly.
3. "I am NOT a homosexual necrophiliac," said Tom in dead earnest. 22. "Now we remove the NH2 group," said Tom during the examination.
4. "Now I can do some painting," said Tom easily. 23. "I've changed my name to Al," said Hal, exasperated.
5. "I've declared the variable X so that its value is saved from one procedure invocation to the next," said Tom ecstatically. 24. "I wrote that window system for MIT," Tom exclaimed.
6. "Perimeter!" said Tom edgily. 25. "!" exclaimed Mark.
7. "The enemy has taken stronghold F," said Tom effortlessly. 26. "I had to fire my first mate when she got too heavy for the boat," said Tom excruciatingly.
8. "Yes, I was in the chicken coop when it exploded," admitted Tom, with egg on his face. 27. "Let's kill him," said the executive.
9. "I'm coming!" Tom ejaculated. 28. "Here, son, have a free balloon!" said Tom expansively.
10. "British English, of course," Di elected to say. 29. "My mother's sister will be here any minute," said Tom expectauntly.
11. "This computer display is shocking," said Tom electrically. 30. "I used to be a pilot," Tom explained.
12. "Vote for Reagan," said Tom electronically. 31. "Perhaps he's a former Palestinian commie?" explored Tom.
13. "|\/|," said Tom emphatically. 32. "But suppose X does exist after all," Tom expostulated.
14. "The 13th letter of the alphabet is really large!" said Tom emphatically. 33. "I've lost a lot of weight" Tom expounded.
15. "Let's get married," said Tom engagingly. 34. "These genes are dominant," said Tom expressively.
16. "I got a personal letter from Ann Landers," was Tom's epigraph. 35. "Elvis is dead," said Tom expressly.
17. "I just hung my sheets on the clothesline," said Tom erringly. 36. "I used to work for Kelly Services," Tom extemporized.
18. "I'm going after that red fish," said Tom erringly. 37. "I used to work for the railway company," said Tom extraneously.
19. "Eureka!" said Archimedes to the skunk. 38. "I used to command a battalion of German ants," said Tom exuberantly.

F Entries

1. "I failed my electrocardiogram," said Tom faint-heartedly. 21. "I don't like steamrollers!" said Tom flatly.
2. "That's a lie!" said Tom in falsetto. 22. "Here's an epenthetic stamp," said Tom f'lat'ly.
3. "Please keep Ian on salary even if he does no work; banish not sweet Ian, kind Ian, true Ian, valiant Ian from thy company," was Tom's Falstaffian plea. 23. "Ships ahoy!" said Tom fleetingly.
4. "I'm trying to get some air circulating up here just beneath the roof," said Tom fanatically. 24. "I love trying to make insects fly," said Tom flippantly.
5. "The transit system could reduce its deficit by steeply charging those passengers on their way to rock concerts and sports events," said Tom with considerable fanfare. 25. "When do I turn over the pancakes?" asked Tom flippantly.
6. "The Soviet press is useful on hot days," said Tom fantastically. 26. "You're losing your grippe!" said Tom fluently.
7. "I'm 'drawing' the butter," Tom clarified fatuously. 27. "I wouldn't mind running my fingers over THOSE!" said Tom fondly.
8. "I don't want my cow to be artificially inseminated," was Tom's favourable response. 28. "I don't know how much longer I'll need only three of my houses," said Tom forebodingly.
9. "Forward march! Eins, zwei, drei, funf, eins, zwei, drei, funf!" said the German commander fearlessly. 29. "I'm no good at golf. I know I'm going to hit another bad shot," Tom forewarned.
10. "You can use my stud for 100 dollars," was Tom's feeble offer. 30. "Now all I have to do for this banknote is engrave the portrait," Tom forged ahead.
11. "I'll go get the stick," said Tom fetchingly. 31. "I must do something about the dying grass in my yard," said Tom for-lawnly.
12. "I really admire Raquel Welch's acting," said Tom figuratively. 32. "I will NOT finish in fifth place," Tom held forth.
13. "I could always draw it on paper," Tom figured. 33. "The last of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse is on his way," said Tom, forthcoming.OK
14. "I think I'll put new stuffing in that old settee," said Tom fill-a-sofa-cally. 34. "I got the first three wrong," said Tom forthrightly.
15. "Albert, that illegal left turn is going to cost you twenty bucks," said the policeman finally. 35. "I do NOT have a multiple personality disorder," said Tom, trying to be frank.
16. "I plan to work for Digital," said Tom, giving me the finger. 36. "I can't play the guitar because my fingers are too big," said Tom fretfully.
17. "My spinal cord has been given notice," Tom fired back. 37. "Dance in lane," said the sign frugally.
18. "I'm just not attracted to you," said Tom flaccidly. 38. "I just ate three apples!" said Tom fruitfully.
19. "You should *never* burn the Stars and Stripes!" cried Tom flagrantly. 39. "Please pass me the oranges," was Tom's fruitless request.
20. "This must be Nebraska," Tom stated flatly.  

G Entries

1. "I don't believe in mixed marriages," said Tom gaily. 16. "I'll try to dig up a couple of friends," said Tom gravely.
2. "Je suis francais," Tom had the gall to claim. 17. "Yes, I love money!" Tom agreed.
3. "That young insect is female," said Tom gallantly. 18. "Let's invite Greg and Gary," said Tom gregariously.
4. "I won't be on time for the Christmas party because some joker put glue on the bottoms of my shoes," Tom gesticulated. 19. "I collect fairy tales," said Tom grimly.
5. "Oh, this house tastes good!" said Hansel and Gretel, gingerly. 20. "I've got sand in my food," said Tom grittily.
6. "I'll bet Fred Astaire's dance partner spiced up his life," said Tom gingerly.OK 21. "I can eat one hundred and forty-four," Tom boasted grossly.
7. "Someone bumped into me while I was brushing my teeth," said Tom with a gleam in his eye. 22. "Bad marksmanship," the hunter groused.
8. "Help, I'm drowning!" was Tom's glib, glib, glib chortle. 23. "I am so one of the seven dwarfs!" he said grumpily.
9. "PLEASE don't let me fall apart," pleaded Tom gloomily. 24. "Mash that avacado and add some seasoning," said Tom guacamole.
10. "Eating uranium makes me feel funny," said Tom glowingly. 25. "I must be on a visit," Tom guessed.
11. "For the meal we are about to receive, may the Lord make us truly thankful," said Tom gracefully. 26. "I don't have a boyfriend," said Mary guilelessly.
12. "Oh my goodness!" said Tom graciously. 27. "It's just gold leaf," said Tom guiltily.
13. "I don't have to stand upright," said Tom grandly. 28. "And to think I swallowed that lie, hook, line and sinker!" Tom gulped.
14. "My dime rolled into the sewer," cried Tom gratefully. 29. "I've been having an incontinence problem," Tom gushed.
15. "Where's the cheese?" asked Tom gratingly. 30. "That may cause my violin strings to snap," was Tom's gut reaction.

H Entries

1. "The pH of this solution is just 3.5," said Tom half-assedly. 20. "I climbed Mount Everest," said Tom hilariously.
2. "That's the last time I skinny-dip with piranhas," said Tom half-cocked.OK 21. "I'm no communist," Alger hissed.
3. "Argh, I've just been stabbed!" said Tom half-heartedly. 22. "Nay!" Tom bridled hoarsely.
4. "OK, here's your portion," said the cannibal half-heartedly. 23. "I want a pony!" said Tom a little hoarsely.
5. "My I.Q. is 50% of normal," said Tom half-wittedly.OK 24. "Let's go to the races!" said Tom hoarsely.
6. "Looks uncomputable to me," said Tom haltingly. 25. "I feel empty inside," Tom hollered.
7. "Mr. Rockefeller did not bring his wife," said Tom haplessly. 26. "Which of you should I eat first? Faith or Charity?" asked the cannibal Hopefully.
8. "Don't rest on your laurels," said Tom hardily. 27. "Troops, I guess there won't be a Christmas show this year," said Tom hopelessly.
9. "I'll have a glass of that cider," said Tom, hard-pressed.OK 28. "It's Jack the Ripper!" said Tom horrendously.
10. "I don't need rocket boosters to help me run faster," said Tom hastily. 29. "Have a ride in my new ambulance," said Tom hospitably.
11. "Oh, stop talking about the Dreyfus case. Don't you like the colour of my eyes?" asked Esther hazily. 30. "These pants are not short enough," said Mary hotly.
12. "Quick, start a fire!" bellowed Tom heatedly. 31. "The doctors had to remove a bone from my arm," said Tom humorlessly.
13. "Theodore, you will soon be promoted from editor to editor-in-chief," said the cannibal heatTedly. 32. "Dogs are a great menace!" barked Tom huskily.
14. "I've gained thirty pounds," said Tom heavily. 33. "I just ate that Eskimo's dog," said Tom in a husky voice.
15. "I didn't know I got airsick," said Tom, heaving it aloft. 34. "I cut off the bottoms of my trousers so they wouldn't drag in the mud," said Tom hygienically.
16. "These boxing gloves are too big," said Tom heavy-handedly. 35. "Hey, like, sailing the seven seas is really far out, man," said Tom hypnotically.
17. "It's my maid's night off," said Tom helplessly. 36. "Boy, that's an ugly hippopotamus!" said Tom hypocritically.
18. "I am NOT on drugs," said Tom in a high falsetto. 37. "We need a 10-gauge needle," Tom hypothesized.
19. "May I leave the room?" asked the schoolboy, high-handedly. 38. "Doctor, why do you have to remove my womb?" asked Mary hysterically.

I Entries

1. "Shall I frost the cake?" Tom offered icily. 26. "Use phenolphthalein," Tom indicated.
2. "Cryogenics is quackery!" Tom said icily. 27. "I learned a lot about women while I was in Paris," said Tom indifferently.
3. "Pass the cards," said Tom ideally. 28. "There's safety in unexciting gentlemen," said Mary indulgently.
4. "It's a pity that Amin managed to escape from Uganda when his ship of state went under," said Tom idiosyncratically. 29. "I like measles!" laughed Tom infectiously.
5. "Beware the 15th of March!" said Tom idly. [Dorothy Porter, April 25, 2004] 30. "She must be wearing mink," Tom inferred.
6. "Let's trap that sick bird," said Tom illegally. 31. "She wore a smoke-coloured dress at dinner," said Tom ingratiatingly.
7. "Alas, I am sick with love for the fair Igraine!" said Uther Pendragon illustriously (and achingly). 32. "Have it monogrammed," was Tom's initial suggestion.
8. "I can split demons in two," Tom imparted. 33. "I hope you're not afraid of needles," Tom injected.
9. "This chicken has no beak," said Tom impeccably. 34. "May I join your group and sing, too?" Tom inquired.
10. "I run a fairground attraction called 'See a real demon for only one cent!'" said Tom impenitently. 35. "I'm easily moved to anger," said Tom insensibly.
11. "Promote that demon to the House of Lords," commanded Tom imperiously. 36. "You're a wicked glutton," Tom insinuated.
12. "I brush my teeth every five minutes," said Tom implacably. 37. "Just one more drink, please!" Tom said insipidly.
13. "There's nothing wrong with demons," was Tom's implicit message. 38. "I'm not leaving the chapel until I finish this painting," Michelangelo insisted.
14. "Gremlins must have done it!" Tom implied. 39. "Let's have a crimson display -- and turn up the brightness," said Tom with passionate intensity.
15. "Close the hatch! We're being invaded by bugs!" said Tom importantly. 40. "What I do best on a camping trip is sleep," said Tom intently.
16. "Boy, am I impressed!" said Tom as he joined the British Navy. 41. "As soon as the rain stops, we'll break camp," said Tom intently.
17. "Demons can be robbed," said Tom improbably. 42. "Cheryl, you stand between Ella and Pauline," interposed the photographer.
18. "I keep picking up radio signals from outer space," said Tom impulsively. 43. "This is not a black and white issue," Tom intoned.
19. "I'm taking over this hotel," said Tom inappropriately. 44. "I've got to find out why my broker got fired," said Tom as he investigated.
20. "Things are always happening to me," said Tom incidentally. 45. "Nothing is indelible," said Tom irascibly.
21. "The laser is broken," said Tom incoherently. 46. "Steel is a very useful alloy," said Tom ironically.
22. "I come to this hotel year after year for the science fiction convention," said Tom inconsequentially. 47. "Your drip-dries are crumpled," said the laundress ironically.
23. "Why you parasitic insect, our debts now exceed our assets!" said Tom incredulously. 48. "I'm a Reagan-watcher," said Tom ironically.
24. "I'm not sure how I feel about that particular matrix operation," said Tom indeterminately. 49. "There is no end to this sequence of digits," said Tom irrationally.
25. "I sent Kathleen on a mission to the Antilles," Tom indicated.  

J Entries

1. "My Chinese necklace has been stolen," said Mary jadedly. 6. "The insect in William's hand is wearing a yarmulka!" said Tom jubilantly.
2. "Alouette, je te plumerai," sang Tom jauntily. 7. "Let's eat kosher tonight," said Tom judiciously.
3. "I always stammer just before July," was Tom's jejune explanation. 8. "After the trial I sold a dozen pieces of the rock," said the insurance salesman jurisprudently.
4. "Your meat, madam!" announced the two butcher boys jointly. 9. "I like ragged margins," said Tom without justification.
5. "I plan to start a cattle ranch in a space station orbiting Jupiter," said Tom jovially. 10. "Why do they burn aromatic substances at these tournaments?" asked Tom, justly incensed.

K Entries

1. "It's a bad hobbit," said Tom, not at all keenly. 5. "I've run out of wool," said Tom, knitting his brow.
2. "I want to hear my baby bleat," Mary kidded. 6. "I tend to use infinitives rather than gerunds," said Tom knowingly.
3. "This will get me into the royal bedroom," said Tom kinkily. 7. "Flying saucers use antigravity to stay up," said Tom knowingly.
4. "When I'm worried, I feel an overwhelming urge to cry 'Eep!'" said Tom, knee-deep in trouble. 8. "Of course I'm aware ostriches can't fly!" chirped Tom knowingly.

L Entries

1. "I've forgotten that song Dr. Chandra taught me," said HAL lackadaisically. 10. "Gentlemen: Please send me your catalogue," wrote Tom, listlessly.
2. "No ellipses, no parabolas, and no hyperbolas," said Tom laconically. 11. "I want to be carried in a covered couch," said Tom literally.
3. "I think I've lost my leg, sir," reported Uxbridge lamely. "By God, so you have!" replied Wellington generally. 12. "Is it true that some animals will eat their own babies?" asked Tom literately.
4. "I've made a study of girls," said Tom lassitudinously. 13. "Choir up!" commanded the church conductor loftily.
5. "She even flies her own jet," Tom leered. 14. "No, you have to do it again," reiterated Tom loopily.
6. "You call this a musical?" said Les miserably. 15. "What's the score in the Stevie Wonder - Ray Charles tennis game?" asked Tom lovingly.
7. "This bud's for you," said Tom lightly. 16. "I always pray to St. Ignatius," said Tom loyally.
8. "Please save the branches of our trees," said Tom limply. 17. "I chop down trees for a living," said Tom lumberingly.
9. "I like writing artificially intelligent programs," Tom lisped.  

M Entries

1. "The dam is back to front," said the builder madly. 23. "I just encountered Rick, Rick, Rick and Rick," said Tom metaphorically.
2. "Of course I can make armour out of chains," Tom replied by mail. 24. "I've done more than talk to her on the phone," said Tom metaphysically.
3. "It's usually just food poisoning," said Tom mainly. 25. "I love that superhero mouse," said Tom mightily.OK
4. "I have to fix all the bugs, and add some new features," Tom maintained. 26. "I'll cut you to ribbons!" said Tom mincingly.
5. "The British royal motto is Honi soit qui, qui -- no, it's Dieu et mon, er -- oh, I forget," said Tom maladroitly. 27. "Blimey, I can't find anything to eat to-dye," said the Cockney bear misbehivingly.
6. "I command a private army," said Tom maliciously. 28. A reporter asked Winston Churchill, "What do you think of the prediction that by the year 2000, women will rule the world?" "Hmmm, they still will, eh?" replied Churchill misdirectedly.
7. "Let's go and fly around the street lights, children," said the mammoth. 29. "Have you anything by Hugo?" asked Les miserably.
8. "I don't want a second helping, thank you," said the cannibal manfully. 30. "She's already married," said Tom mistakenly.
9. "Who discovered radium?" asked Marie, curiously. 31. "I'm tired of smiling," moaned Lisa.
10. "Marmalade," said the newly hatched chicken. 32. "This ain't real turtle soup!" said Tom mockingly.
11. "You're next, Mistress Ballantrae," said the cannibal masterfully. 33. "Yes, I wrote 'Pictures at an Exhibition', but only the piano version," said the composer modestly.
12. "Welcome!" said the matador. 34. "I have a patent cure for 'the kissing disease'," said Tom monotonically.
13. "Add up this list of n numbers and then divide the sum by n," said Tom meanly. 35. "I'm sad that my motorized bicycle isn't working," Tom moped.
14. "According to this sonograph, the average frequency of my speaking voice is 160 Hz," said Tom in measured tones. 36. "$400. Do I hear $500?" asked the auctioneer morbidly.
15. "I've got to fix the car," said Tom mechanically. 37. "What we need is more people like Ronald Reagan and Ronald McDonald," said Tom moronically.
16. "You won the bronze," said Tom meddlingly. 38. "Dawn came too soon," Tom mourned.
17. "My dog will only eat cantaloupes," was Tom's melancholy complaint. 39. "Look! There's a male cow with some chrysanthemums on it!" Tom mumbled.
18. "I'm a lesbian," Mary mentioned. 40. "I've got a new game," mumbled Peg.
19. "A thousand thanks, Monsieur," said Tom mercifully. 41. "My glands are swollen," said Tom mumpishly.
20. "You and Patricia deserve each other," said Tom meretriciously. 42. "Maybe it's in the stables," Tom mused.
21. "I dislike arguments because I hurt my hand banging my fist on the table," complained Tom meta-carpally. 43. "That dog's a mongrel," Tom muttered.
22. "You don't have to introduce us," said Tom metaphorically. 44. "Ouch! I pinched my cheek trying to put on this earring," said Mary mysteriously.

N Entries

1. "I told you not to ride that horse," Tom nagged. 12. "I newt!" said the salamander.
2. "Why are you lying down so close to me?" asked Adam naively. 13. "You may take a vacation in the south of France," said Tom nicely.
3. "What would be a good name for a girl born on Christmas Day?" asked Tom, adjusting his tie nattily. 14. "Flames to /dev/null, please," directed Tom nihilistically.
4. "You're a real zero," said Tom naughtily. 15. "I was in a riot in Paris," Tom noised abroad.
5. "Boy, am I feeling blue!" said Tom as he joined the British navy. 16. "You could always sound-proof your apartment," Tom allowed noisily.
6. "The monster in the lake has eaten my cake," said Tom necessarily. 17. "The proof of the pudding is in the eating," said Tom nonjudgementally.
7. "Someone stole my electrolytic capacitor!" Tom charged negatively. 18. "That just doesn't add up," said Tom, nonplussed.
8. "I got a snapshot of the CBS anchorman, but I haven't developed it yet," said Tom, rather negatively. 19. "I did lots of subtraction, multiplication and division problems!" said Adam, non-plussed.
9. "Honey, put on that see-through thing," said Tom negligently. 20. "I don't see Edward," Tom noted.
10. "My neurotic blood-sucking arachnid has put on weight," said Tom, his nervous tic showing again. 21. "The performance was equal to the music," said Tom noteworthily.
11. "I got five cavities since my last dentist's visit," said Tom neurotically. 22. "I haven't a notion," said Poseidon when the sea dried up.

O Entries

1. "This Neanderthal needs something to eat," Tom observed. 8. "I know which boyd gets the woym," said Tom in an oily voice.
2. "What's a wide-angle lens?" asked Tom obtusely. 9. "The door's ajar," said Tom openly.
3. "But many angles are greater than 90 degrees," said Tom obtusely. 10. "My glasses are fogged up," said Tom optimistically.
4. "That horse looks like a good bet at 75 to 3," said Tom oddly. 11. "That bull has real stage presence," said Tom oratorically.
5. "Oops! There goes my hat!" said Tom off the top of his head. 12. "I lost the debate because I ran out of things to say," said Tom outspokenly.
6. "A prostitute says 'Aren't you finished yet?', a nymphomaniac says 'Is that all?', and a wife says 'Beige... we should definitely paint the ceiling beige'," was Tom's off-colour joke. 13. "I have too many children," said Mary overbearingly.
7. "I was caught stealing in Iran," said Tom offhandedly.  

P Entries

1. "All right, who hurled the ball through my window?" asked Tom painfully. 40. "My pencil is dull," said Tom pointlessly.
2. "Yes, I stole the glass from the windows," said Tom painstakingly. 41. "Ah, what could be better than sitting by my miniature lake and listening to the wind blow through the tree leaves?" asked Tom ponderously.
3. "I killed and cremated the Greek piper god," said Tom with panache. 42. "Unlike other bears, mine does not crap in the woods!" Christopher Robin pooh-poohed.
4. "I accidentally cut the Greek piper god while shaving him," Tom panicked. 43. "Will there be a puff of white smoke? Nevermore!" sighed Edgar Allan Popelessly.
5. "Now patients can get a second opinion without leaving the office," said Tom paradoxically. 44. "Ack, there's no cola!" was the cry which popped out of Tom.
6. "My chute weighs only two kilograms," said Tom parametrically. 45. "To be a model or not to be," was the question Mary posed.
7. "I'm having trouble keeping my balance," said Tom parenthetically. 46. "Zzzz," said Tom possessively.
8. "I'm doing a syntactic analysis of low, long-drawn sounds indicating discomfort," said Tom parsimoniously. 47. "Of course I can do the rising trot," was Tom's posted reply.
9. "I'm such a good marksman that you can throw away your hairbrush," was Tom's parting shot. 48. "That religious person couldn't have been on time," Tom postulated. (The pun is on "postulant".)
10. "There, there," was Tom's pat answer. 49. "I hope this is enough to feed my family," prayed the wolf.
11. "I never get lost," said the pathologist. 50. "I haven't had any tooth decay YET," said Tom precariously.
12. "I've got all the work I can handle," said the doctor patiently. 51. "Multiplication before addition," said Tom, citing precedents.
13. "You have to support the right party to get ahead," said the politician patronizingly. 52. "Looks like rain," said Tom precipitously.
14. "Feet excite me," said the pedagogue. 53. "Since in this statement 'Y = COSH(X)', X is invariant, let's pre-compute Y before we enter the loop," said Tom precociously.
15. "I didn't look at all!" Tom peeped. 54. "Oh dear, I forgot to take my pill," said Mary pregnantly.
16. "Vere ist ze bathroom?" asked Hans peevishly. 55. "There's no need to perfume this after purchase," said Tom during his presentation.
17. "You're wearing a diaphragm," was Tom's penetrating observation. 56. "That's all been taken care of," Tom pretended.
18. "I regret buying this camping gear for only one penny!" said Tom penitently. 57. "It's 9:59," said Tom pretentiously.
19. "What's the best time to plant peonies?" was Tom's perennial question. 58. "How about a quick one before the Indy 500?" Tom prezoomed to ask.
20. "Now where did I put that magazine?" Tom asked periodically. 59. "I know what a bunch of lions is called," said Tom with pride.
21. "It's a bloody mess," said Mary periodically. 60. "I've been demoted from corporal," said Tom privately.
22. "I'll brew some more coffee," said Tom perkily. 61. "Crosby is my favourite singer. Is he yours?" asked Tom probingly.
23. "Daddy, could I please have an ant farm for Christmas?" asked Tom petulantly. 62. "The roof is leaking again," said Tom problematically.
24. "I wonder what's causing this rasp in my voice," said Tom phlegmatically. 63. "I teach at a university," Tom professed.
25. "I'm just sittin' on a dock of the bay...," Tom sang piercingly. 64. "Ah, HERE's the silver lining!" said Tom profoundly.
26. "3.1415926 is a number made in Heaven," said Tom piously. 65. "These @#$%*! circuit breakers!" swore Tom profusely.
27. "I brought the dessert," said Tom piously. 66. "This movie will be very popular," Tom projected.
28. "|" Tom piped. 67. "I'll take Mary to the dance," Tom promised.
29. "Eating uranium can cause atomic ache," said Tom with a high-pitched voice. (Uranium is found in pitchblende, for those of you who find the antecedent a little obscure.) 68. "I support mechanization," said the promoter.
30. "I've just been lulled by the sound of the world's greatest tenor," said Tom placidly. 69. "I vote to move forward," said Tom promotionally.OK
31. "Sailing on this lake is easy," said Tom plainly. 70. "23% " replied Tom promptly.
32. "I'm going to sue my real estate agent for not warning me the prairies were so flat," said Tom plaintively. 71. "THIS is the real male goose," said Tom as he produced the propaganda.
33. "It's a gift from an Oriental friend," said Tom pleasantly. 72. "Stand over there so I can take your picture," proposed Tom.
34. "I practised three hours on my guitar," said Tom pluckily. 73. "Why shouldn't there be a special case for addressing people?" asked Tom provocatively.
35. "Nevermore will I read 'The Raven'," said Tom poetically. 74. "I love hockey," said Tom puckishly.
36. "It has zero height, zero width, and -- well, maybe I'll allow it to have a bit of depth," said Tom, stretching the point. 75. "Oh boy, I'm head of the refreshment committee!" said Tom, pleased as punch.
37. "The exit is right there," Tom pointed out. 76. "I write poetry about cats!" said Tom purr-versely.
38. "Argh, I've just been stabbed with an ice pick," said Tom pointedly. 77. "I don't know what's wrong with the jigsaw," puzzled Tom.OK
39. "Vertex!" said Tom pointedly.  

Q Entries

1. "I have to sing a run of eighth-notes," said Tom quaveringly. 5. "That quadruplet doesn't seem to get along with his brothers and sister," said Tom quibblingly.
2. "Hi sailor, new in town?" Tom queried. 6. "Be careful with that silver stuff. It's mercury!" said Tom quickly.
3. "I had to hide my acorns," said Chris querulously. 7. "This is the fastest way to get drunk," said Tom quixotically.
4. "Why would anyone want to play a role-playing game?" Tom questioned.  

R Entries

1. "A dog bit me," said Tom rabidly. 41. "This student appealed his grade, so I have to score his exam again," Tom remarked.
2. "Eating uranium makes me feel funny," said Tom radiantly. 42. "I'm in the process of documenting my BASIC program," Tom remarked.
3. "I'm the world's most aggressive matador," Tom rambled. 43. "I'm investing in German currency once again," Tom remarked.
4. "I collided with my bed!" said Tom rambunctiously. 44. "I'm rereading the second Gospel," Tom remarked.
5. "We publish one of the few dictionaries that define 'Tom Swifty'," said Tom at random. 45. "I meant to pay this year's dues," Tom remembered.
6. "This river is rough," said Tom rapidly. 46. "Hey, castration is reversible," Tom remembered.
7. "I want chickenpox!" said Tom rashly. 47. "I've gone back to using my maiden name," said Mary remissly.
8. "I can't stand strawberries," said Tom rashly. 48. "I'd better repeat that SOS signal -- no-one seems to have heard us," said Tom remorsefully.
9. "File a little more off that corner," said Tom raspingly. 49. "The gadget for changing channels is far away," said Tom remotely.OK
10. "It's the quotient of two integers," said Tom rationally. 50. "I'll dig another ditch around the castle," said Tom remotely.
11. "You snake!" Tom rattled. 51. "Pete! Pete! Pete! Pete! Pete!" Tom repeated.
12. "I love eating crow," said Tom ravenously. 52. "My garden needs another layer of mulch," Tom repeated.
13. "I picked more berries than you did," Tom razzed. 53. "We need more bread for the donairs," Tom repeated.
14. "I'm reading about communism," said Tom readily. 54. "I'll try selling them at the next house," Tom replied.
15. "This value has to be converted to floating point," Tom realized. 55. "I'm taking this ship back in to the dock," Tom reported.
16. "To write the full history of St. Joan would take LOTS of paper," Tom ream-Arc'd. 56. "We're all out of Amontillado," Tom reported.
17. "I won't play the carillon again!" chimed Tom rebelliously. 57. "I think I'll stand on the left side of the ship," Tom reported.
18. "Why do I have to strip naked AGAIN?" asked Tom rebuffingly. 58. "Now we'll have to replace all the ship's windows," Tom reported.
19. "I've thought of another exception," Tom rebutted. (Or: "Stop trying to get my goat," Tom rebutted. Or: "This cigarette just won't go out," Tom rebutted.) 59. "Must I show again why this theorem is true?" asked Tom reprovingly.
20. "Those cars we shipped have a defective part," Tom recalled. 60. "Can I go looking for the Grail again?" Tom requested.
21. "Let's go for another gallop," Tom recanted. 61. "How long will I have to wait for a table?" asked Tom without reservation.
22. "That's the worst oyster I've ever eaten," said Tom retchedly. 62. "A fault!" Martina cried reservedly.
23. "There it is again!" Tom recited. 63. "I eat leftovers," said Tom reservedly.
24. "I haven't had an accident in ten years," said Tom recklessly. 64. "My new signature is no better than my old one," said Tom resignedly.
25. "I had to change the harmonization," Tom recorded. 65. "I'm gonna go live in the Canadian arctic," said Tom resolutely.
26. "I couldn't believe there were exactly 100 people there," Tom recounted. 66. "Do I hear an echo?" was Tom's resounding question.
27. Tom said recursively, "Tom said recursively, 'Tom said recursively, ...'" 67. "I shall read the commands from that file again," said Tom resourcefully.
28. "Let me think again," said Tom redeemingly. 68. "My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted.
29. "Nice mirror!" said Tom reflectively. 69. "What would you say if the Conservatives were re-elected?" asked Tom re-tory-cally.
30. "I will NOT splurge on a circuit-breaker," Tom refused. 70. "I'll have another piece of meat," Tom revealed.
31. "Hand me my guitar," commanded Rod regally. 71. "The French expression for 'There's a green worm in my glass' is 'Il y a un ver vert dans mon verre'," said Tom reverently.
32. "It's time for the second funeral," Tom rehearsed. 72. "And this is the way you get a sheep excited," Tom reviewed.
33. "My next novel will be the greatest thing since _Finnegans Wake_," Tom rejoiced. 73. "I keep shocking myself," said Tom, revolted.
34. "It fell apart in my hands," Tom rejoined. 74. "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn," said Clark Gable rhetorically.
35. "Okay, you can borrow it again," Tom relented. 75. "When 're-inventing the wheel', one must make sure that the outer edge is circular," Tom rim-arc'd.
36. "I'm not going to give up anything this year. The year before last was quite enough," said Tom relentlessly. 76. "What ample bosoms those chorus girls have!" remarked Tom robustly.
37. "They're going to sue us again," said a reliable source. 77. "When in Rome, do all the naughty things the Romans do," said Mary romantically.
38. "I love hot dogs," said Tom with relish. 78. "Find the truffles! Find the truffles!" rooted Tom.
39. "I had a dream last night about the American Red Cross," Tom REM-ARC'd. 79. "Let's take the traffic circle," said Tom, in a roundabout way.
40. "That is remarkable," remarked Tom. 80. "It's none of your @#$%*! business if I'm obese," swore Tom roundly.

S Entries

1. "Swifties and palindromes don't mix," said Eve Dias. 49. "Hah! I've got that animal pegged!" Tom specified.
2. "I appleciate your lecommendation to take the Titanic," said Ichiro sankfully. 50. "The optician probably doesn't have my glasses ready," Tom speculated.
3. "You resemble a goat," said Tom satirically. 51. "I-t. O-u-t," said Tom, having to spell it out for people.
4. "The seesaw is upside down," said Tom saucily. 52. "Hey, you're standing on my foot!" said Tom standoffishly.
5. "Those Victoria's Secret models aren't wearing much," said Tom with scanty praise.OK 53. "Boy, I wish the elevator were working," said a tired Tom, staring up to the top.
6. "Let's orgy all night!" said Tom scintillatingly. 54. "I'll never understand quantum mechanics," Tom sighed starrily.
7. "I stole some eggs; how would you like them?" asked the poacher as he scrambled away. 55. "Well, monaural and quadriphonic systems are the exception," said Tom stereotypically.
8. "I ordered chocolate, not vanilla," I screamed. 56. "I'll be at the back of the boat," said Tom sternly.
9. "STOP!!!" Tom screeched. 57. "I spilt the syrup," said Tom stickily.
10. "So only one person arrived at your party before I did?" Tom second-guessed. 58. "I slept in a draft last night," said Tom stiffly.
11. "I can't tell you anything about my salivary glands," said Tom secretively. 59. "Ah, now I can see through the window," said Tom stiltedly.
12. "Sure I've used the Unix stream editor," sed Tom. 60. "Nobody is better at elaborate confidence games than I," said Tom stinkingly.
13. "I'm going out with a mermaid tonight," said Tom sedately. 61. "Oops, I think I might have a piece of coal in my shorts," said Tom stochastically. (Think about it. It's really funny!)
14. "Look what I can do with this eraser!" said Mickey Mouse self-effacingly. 62. "Consult an investment broker," was Tom's stock answer.
15. "I was in my kayak, practising my eskimo roll," said Tom self-righteously. 63. "Place all your Tom Swifties here," said Tom stoically.
16. "Of course I still masturbate," said Tom with a look of self-satisfaction. 64. "This is an imitation diamond," said Tom stonily.
17. "Of course I can be seen, heard, and smelt," said Tom sensibly. 65. "I'm not fat!" denied Tom stoutly.
18. "Boy, that's a bright star," said Tom seriously. 66. "My steering wheel won't turn," said Tom straightforwardly.
19. "I didn't have much of a feeling for the James Bond movie I watched during an earthquake," said Tom, shaken but not stirred.OK 67. "Can you hear me through this sieve?" was Tom's strained query.
20. "We're not in tune. Are you sure you aren't singing flat?" asked Tom sharply. 68. "I am not too fat for Spandex!" said Tom, stretching the truth.
21. "I just bought a wool sweater," said Tom sheepishly. 69. "Let's walk," said Tom stridently.
22. "Mutton makes men macho," bleated Tom sheepishly. 70. "I feel like attacking a monarch," said Tom strikingly.
23. "No, you can't have any of my oysters," said Tom shellfishly. 71. "I got to the bowling alley with time to spare!" said Tom strikingly.
24. "How do you like my petticoat?" asked Mary shiftlessly. 72. "I don't believe in the Heimlich manoeuvre," Tom struck back.
25. "I'll be there to see the Munchkins," said Tom shortly.OK 73. "That Amazon queen wanted me for only one thing," said Tom studiously.
26. "I think I'll end it all," Sue sighed. 74. "I don't know who chopped down my tree," said Tom, stumped.OK
27. "Since the leftmost bit of a normalized mantissa is always 1, let's just omit it," said Tom significantly. 75. "What should I do about this P.S.?" asked Tom submissively.
28. "I just shoplifted from a major department store," said Tom sincerely. 76. "Would you like some chocolate-covered insects on your long bun?" asked the waiter subserviently.
29. "All these years prospecting, and all I have to show for it is the deed to this hole in the ground under my outhouse that otherwise ain't worth nuthin'," said Tom single mine diddly squat. 77. "There's no hope we'll get any dope when the captain looks up the periscope," said Tom subversively.
30. "My mother was unmarried and brought me up all by herself," said Tom single-mindedly. 78. "I unclogged the drain with a vacuum cleaner," Tom said succinctly.
31. "I've had a hemisphererectomy," said Tom single-mindedly. 79. "Vacuum cleaners don't float!" said Tom succinctly.
32. "I just can't use Ethernet too often," said Tom sleepily. 80. "My hosiery is at the bottom of the lake!" said Tom sock-sinkedly
33. "Listen to my Stallone impression," said Tom slyly. 81. "Let's play a joke on the Sun Users Group," Tom suggested.
34. "I'll use my camera if I want to," Tom snapped. 82. "I decided to sing something more appropriate for August than Die Winterreise," Tom summarized.
35. "I don't want Crackle or Pop!" said Tom Snappishly. 83. "Boy, what a super silly ass!" said Tom superciliously.
36. "This brush isn't helping my hair one bit," Tom snarled. 84. "That's a very large shark," said Tom superficially.
37. "Angel dust? Me? Never touch it!" Tom snorted. 85. "Look at me, ma! I'm on top of the world -- well, chimney, anyway," said Tom superfluously.
38. "There's a term for people like you," Tom sobbed. 86. "The value of my waterfront property would increase if the U.S. and Canadian governments could agree to de-pollute the lake," said Tom in a superior manor.
39. "Yes, I'm THAT strongly built," said Tom soberly. 87. "They'll want a picture of me at the dinner table," Tom supposed.
40. "My bicycle wheel is melting," Tom spoke softly. 88. "That penny pincher always wants to be addressed in a formal manner," Tom surmised.
41. "No, I have NOT had enough!" said Tom solicitously. 89. "One lump or two?" asked Mary sweetly.
42. "Some day, people will be able to file lawsuits against computers," said Tom soothingly. 90. "All brooms are useful!" said Tom, making a sweeping generalization.
43. "Jokes that bad are best handled with four feet of cold steel," said Tom sordidly. 91. "Yes, I've read _Gulliver's Travels_," replied Tom swiftly.
44. "Okay, sho I drank too much," said Tom, sotto voce. 92. "I can be self-referential if I want to," said Tom swiftly.
45. "South Korea has a lovely capital city," said Tom soulfully. 93. "I love percussion instruments," said Tom symbolically.
46. "I am so singing in tune," Tom sounded off. 94. "Whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart," say the synoptic Gospels.
47. "Hah! I got that ten pin down!" said Tom sparingly. 95. "I studied law to learn ways to avoid getting caught," said Tom syntactically.
48. "I'm glad I had an extra wedding band," said Tom sparingly. 96. "For the umpteenth time, pass the sauce for the pancakes!" said Tom syrupetitiously.

T Entries

1. "Please don't sneeze with your mouth full," said the carpenter's assistant tactfully. 15. "Take your hand from my blouse!" Mary tittered.
2. "I don't HAVE to do this for a living," said Mary tartly. "It's a business to do pleasure with you." 16. "Why are you writing elegies at THIS hour? You should be in bed, young lady," the curfew told Nell.
3. "I work at a bank," said Tom tellingly. 17. "I wonder what sex that cat is," said Tom.
4. "Sometimes I prefer 'just intonation'; sometimes I prefer Pythagorean tuning," said Tom temperamentally. 18. "I've never heard of anilingus," said Tom, tongue in cheek.
5. "My bid for this contract aims to please," said Tom tenderly. 19. "Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays I think I'm a wigwam; Tuesdays, Thursdays, and weekends I think I'm a teepee," said Tom too tensely.
6. "You gave me two less than a dozen," said Tom tensely. 20. "How do you like this negligee?" asked Mary transparently.
7. "I flunked this lousy exam," said Tom testily. 21. "OK Mom, I'm going to hypnotize you now," said Tom transparently.
8. "Look at that monster's sandals!" said Tom in a thing-thong voice. 22. "This dugout is infested," said Tom trenchantly.
9. "I have no idea," said Tom thoughtlessly. 23. "I know what to do with stale cake," said Tom triflingly. (Or: "I'm testing this boomerang," said Tom triflingly.)
10. "I got tied up in traffic," said Tom bindingly.OK 24. "I punched him in the stomach three times," said Tom triumphantly.
11. "It's cold, Timothy," said Tom with his distinctive timbre. 25. "I've brought back the lorry I borrowed," said Tom truculently.
12. "I only get Newsweek," said Tom timelessly. 26. "I play the guitar with my nose!" Tom boasted, with a nasal twang.
13. "You should be peeling onions," was Tom's tirade. (Pronounce "tirade" with the "i" short.) 27. "Why are so many of these Tom Swifties about insects?" asked the tyrant.
14. "I can't find the spare," said Tom tirelessly.  

U Entries

1. "The bank doesn't even want me as a depositor," said Tom unaccountably. 12. "My cookie is empty," said Tom unfortunately.
2. "Let me see if I can prove that," said Tom unassumingly. 13. "No one got's to never go teasin' hisn's momma's momma with a feather," said Tom ungrammatically.
3. "Get Smoky out of here!" said the warden unbearably. (Or is it: "There'll be no strippers in my town," said the sheriff unbareably?) 14. "You should never use a double negative, but it's okay this time," said Tom not unkindly.
4. "Alas, I am inconsolable!" said Tom uncomfortably. 15. "But a totalitarian government could remove all trace of my ever having existed!" said Tom unpersonably.
5. "Have some shampoo," was Tom's unconditional offer. 16. "Oops, I've ripped my pants!" was Tom's unseemly comment.
6. "I know you won't take my advice, Mr Van Gogh, but after cutting your ear off, I think you should go to jail," said Tom unconvincingly; "-- or perhaps sign yourself in to a home," he added noncommittally. 17. "I want to date other women," said Tom unsteadily.
7. "I must put air in my tires," said Tom under pressure.OK 18. "No, I won't give you a note saying your excused," said Tom unwaveringly.
8. "No, it didn't go up my sleeve," said Tom underhandedly. 19. "The roof is about to collapse," Tom upheld.
9. "I don't think I'll have the pickled fish today," said Tom unerringly. 20. "Please get in the elevator," said Tom uppishly.
10. "I am your surprise guest!" said Tom unexpectedly.OK 21. "The lion has its head caught in the skylight," said Tom uproariously.
11. "Carnivals are noisy and useless," griped Tom unfairly.  

V Entries

1. "I feel so... empty," said Tom vacuously. 5. "I'm clenching my jaw because our local clergyman has a toothache," said Tom vicariously.
2. "Now I've got uranium in my bloodstream!" said Tom vaingloriously. 6. "An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her," said Agatha Christie virtuosically.
3. "I will find out how many electrons that atom is sharing," said Tom valiantly. 7. "A spirit transported me from the couch to the chair," said Tom, visibly moved.
4. "I invested in a high-tech startup," Tom ventured.  

W Entries

1. "I'm very popular with women," said Don wanly. 17. "Algol standards aren't the same without Niklaus on the committee," said Tom wirthlessly.
2. "Give me some Chinese food," said Tom wantonly. 18. "This tooth extraction could take for ever," said Tom with infinite wisdom.
3. "Who? What?" asked Tom warily. 19. "All my knowledge cannot ease my arthritis," said the wiseacre.
4. "Look at my shiny kitchen floor," said Tom, waxing enthusiastic. 20. "I know all the wherefores," said Tom wisely.
5. "Five cups of tea from one bag is too much," said Tom weakly. 21. "I wish you wouldn't crucify him, but I'm washing my hands of the matter," said Pontius Pilate wishy-washily.
6. "I fall ill every Tuesday," said Tom weakly. 22. "I wish I could remember the name of that card game," said Tom wistfully.
7. "Lightning rods can protect water supplies," said Tom, displaying well-grounded knowledge.OK 23. "I tried to stop the horse by pulling the cord on the back," was Tom's tale of woe.
8. "I hate grape beverages," Tom whined with clarity. 24. "I'll never use that brand of detergent again," said Tom woebetidedly.
9. "Gin rummy with Brandy's scotched, Bud," whined Sherry wryly. 25. "Stop that horse!" cried Tom woefully.
10. "I passed my electrocardiogram," said Tom wholeheartedly. 26. "Orlando's by Virginia," said Tom wolfishly.
11. "I got shot in the chest!" said Tom whole-heartedly. 27. "I'm knitting a sweater for my guppy," said Tom wolfishly.
12. "Dorian Gray's by Oscar," said Tom wildly. 28. "This must be an aerobics class," Tom worked out.
13. "These are all my final wishes," said Tom willfully.OK 29. "These jokes turn my stomach," said Tom wretchedly.
14. "I designate you my chief heir," said Tom willingly. 30. "This is all from memory," Tom wrote.
15. "I am NOT a fraidy-cat," Tom wimppurred. 31. "Goodbye, Columbus!" flipped Tom wrothly.
16. "... and lose a few," said Tom winsomely. 32. "I like whiskey!" said Tom Riley.

XYZ Entries

1. "I can't zeem to locate our enemy's disposable lighter," said Tom xenophobically. 8. "Something will have to be done to reduce the brightness of that Jovian satellite," Tom yodelled.
2. "The entire map collection has been stolen!" said Tom xerographically. 9. "You've got to be egging me on," yolked Tom.
3. "Every last one of you is a wimp," said Tom xerophytically. (Pronounce "xerophytically" with first "y" long.) 10. "I used lots of detergent in late December," was Tom's yuletide comment.
4. "What do you think of the Tibetan ox?" yackety-yakked Tom. 11. "Zo please tell us what you have for zale," said Tom zealously.
5. "I hate sweet potatoes," Tom yammered. 12. "When I swore, my mother made me eat soap," said Tom zestfully.
6. "Well, don't bring it hither!" Tom yawned. 13. "Your fly is undone," was Tom's zippy rejoinder.
7. "I'm so full, I could blow up," said Tom yeastily. 14. "The baboons are at it again!" was Tom's zoophytic analysis.

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