Date Received: Mon, 7 Oct 1996
From: Meg Schell
Subject: Do It Yourself Country & Western Song

Write your song by selecting one from each of the sets of phrases.

I met her on the highway in September I can still recall that purple dress she wore.
in Sheboygan at McDonald's that little hat
outside Fresno ridin' shotgun that burlap bra
at a truck stop wrestlin' gators those training pants
on probation all hunched over the stolen goods
in a jail cell poppin' uppers that plastic nose
in a nightmare sort of pregnant the Stassin pin
incognito with joggers the neon sign
in the Stone Age stoned on oatmeal that creepy smile
in a treehouse with Merv Griffin the hearing aid
in a gay bar dead all over the boxer shorts

She was sobbin' at the toll booth in the twilight
drinkin' Dr. Pepperbut I loved her
weighted down with Twinkiesby the off-ramp
breakin' out with acnenear Poughkeepsie
crawlin' through the prairiewith her cobra
smellin' kind of funnywhen she shot me
crashin' through the guardrailon her elbows
chewin' on a hangnailwith Led-Zeppelin
talkin' in Swahiliwith Miss Piggy
drownin' in the quicksandwith a wetback
slurpin' up linguiniin her muu-muu

and I knew no guy would ever love her more I promised her I'd stay with her forever;
that she would be an easy scoreI knew deep downwarp her mind
she'd bought her dentures in a storeShe asked me ifswear off booze
that she would be a crashing boreI told her shrinkchange my sex
I'd never rate her more than "4"The judge declaredpunch her out
they'd hate her guts in BaltimoreMy Pooh Bear saidlive off her
it was a raven, nothing moreI shrieked in painhave my rash
we really lost the last World WarThe painters knewstay a dwarf
I'd have to scrape her off the floorA Klingon saidhate her dog
what strong deodorants were forMy hamster thoughtpick my nose
that she was rotten to the coreThe blood test showedplay "Go Fish"
that I would upchuck on the floorHer rabbi saidsalivate

She said to meour love would never die ; But who'd have thought she'drun off
there was no other guywind up
man wasn't meant to flyboogie
that Nixon didn't lieyodel
her basset hound was shysky dive
that Rolaids made her highturn green
she'd have a swiss on ryefreak out
she loved my one blue eyeblast off
her brother's name was Hymake it
she liked "Spy vs. Spy"black out
that birthdays made her crybobsled
she couldn't stand my tiegrovel

with Tony ThamanYou'd think at least that she'd have said goodbye.
in my EdselI never had the chance to say
on a surfboardShe told her fat friend Grace to say
on "The Gong Show"I now can kiss my credit cards
with her dentistI guess I was too smashed to say
on her "Workmate"I watched her melt away and sobbed
with a robotShe fell beneath the wheels and cried
with no clothes onShe sent a hired thug to say
at her health clubShe freaked out on the lawn and screamed
in her MaytagI pushed her off the bridge and waved
with her guruBut that's the way that pygmies say
while in laborShe sealed me in the vault and smirked.

Yee Haw!

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