Tax (IRS-Related) Humour

Date Received: Wed, 16 Apr 1997
From: Meg Schell
Subject: IRS Humor (fwd)

Here are a few funny IRS Stories now that Taxes are done.

SUBJ: How To Annoy Your IRS Agent -- Take One

During a five-year stint with the IRS, Donna Wilson fielded thousands of questions. She kept a log of the ODDEST calls she received; the following excerpted from her log:

Caller: I'm a bookkeeper and I need to know if ten $100 bills make a thousand dollars or only ten hundred.
IRS: Both. It's the same amount.

Caller: So why do I get a different answer every time I move the decimal point.

Caller: Could you send me some of those WD-40's?

Caller: Do I file married or single?
IRS: Are you married?
Caller: Kinda.
IRS: Excuse me?
Caller: We got married but we're not counting on it.

Caller: What does the law say about people who are renting to relatives and taking a loss on the property?
IRS: You have to charge the fair market value.
Caller: No problem. It's very fair. If we rented to someone else we could get a lot more.

[Editor's Note: I find it difficult to believe that this was the *best* that Ms. Wilson could put together after five years in a government agency.]

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SUBJ: How To Annoy Your IRS Agent -- Take Two

During my short employment tour with the IRS in the mail room, I've found several harmless ways to [mess] with them and [risk] no recourse ...

IMPORTANT NOTE: These methods are only recommended when you *owe* money.

Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and put a bunch down the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail from the envelopes have to take out any staples in the right side.

Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the right way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they have to remove all your staples, rearrange your paperwork, and restaple it (on the left side).

Line the bottom of your envelope with Elmer's glue and let it dry before you put in your forms, so that the automated opener doesn't open it and the extractor has to open it by hand.

If you're very unfortunate and have to pay taxes, use a two- or three-party check.

On top of paying with a three-party check, pay one of the dollars you owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter how small an amount, he has to take it to a special desk and fill out a few nasty forms.

Write a little letter of appreciation. Any letter received has to be read and stamped regardless of what it is or what it is written on.

Write your letter on something unshapely and unconventional. Like on the back of a Kroger sack.

When you mail it, mail it in a big envelope (even if its just a single EZ form). Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted differently than regular business-size ones. An added bonus to the big envelope is that they take priority over other mail, so the workers can hurry up and deal with your mess.

If you send 2 checks they'll have to staple your unsightly envelope to your half destroyed form.

Always put extra paper clips on your forms. Any foreign fasteners or the like have to be removed and put away.

Sign your name in ink on every page. Any signature has to verified and then date stamped.

These are just a few of the fun and exciting things you can do with the [IRS].

[Editor's Note: *Damn*. I wish the checks weren't already written and the envelopes already sealed.]

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SUBJ: The Bet

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet: The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender agreed, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the dried, wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

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SUBJ: Dealing With The IRS

Dear Sirs:

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Income Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil and expensive.

I feel it's only fair -- since they are minors, and no longer my responsibility -- that the government knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them back to me and reinstate the deductions; this year, however, they are yours.

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Just ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their tax returns. While she has had no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that expense.

While you mull that over, keep in mind she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Health and Human Services funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence -- and, in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I'm quite relieved you will be handling it in the future. May I suggest you reinstate Jocelyn Elders; she had a rather good handle on the problem.

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little to close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself someday if you don't incarcerate him first.

In February I was rudely awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or sent directly to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple.

Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time since he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight. I'll be sure to file your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he, and all his friends, have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone, and it will be much more peaceful once he has moved in with you. DO NOT leave him or any of his friends unsupervised with girls, explosives, flammables, inflatables, vehicles or telephones. (I'm sure you'll find the telephones a source of unimaginable amusement; be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers.)

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10, going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately, your recent tax increase will help you offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. "Hooked on Phonics" is expensive, so the schools dropped it. Good news, though! You can buy it yourselves for half the amount of the deduction you are denying.

It's quite obvious we were terrible parents (ask the other two), so they have "helped" raise this one to a new level of terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backward, pants baggy, and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I'm sure you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room, and I think it would be easier to move the entire thing rather than find out what's really in there.

You denied two of the three deductions so I guess it's only fair you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer you take the two youngest; I'll still go bankrupt with Kristen's college expense but then I'm free! If you take the two oldest, at least I have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible, as I have already increased the withholding on my W4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.

Yours Truly,
John Smith

Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.

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