Pun Dictionary: Sports Category

Astronomy

A Real: That road accident made Ariel mess.
Altar: Where astronomers get married: the Altair.
Beetle Juice: The drink made from crushed insects: Betelgeuse.
Blue Toe: What astronomers have when they get frostbite on their feet: Pluto.
Calm It: The Great Bear was shot with Celestial Tranquilizer to comet down.
Capella: When astronomers sing, they do so a Capella.
Castor: What astronomers take Castor oil as a cure-all.
Cause Most: In photographic astronomy, the presence of the Moon will cosmos of the problems.
Crater: An astronomy grad student who packs things in boxes: Crater.
Crooks: Embezzling astophysicists are a bunch of Crux.
Despicable: The astronomer wasn't just loathesome, he was de-Spica-ble.
Eye-Open: Galileo's discovery of Jupiter's moons must have been a real Io-pener.
He Clips: "Fred is an excellent hedge trimmer." "Yes, eclipse them into interesting shapes."
Her Shell: It's not his shell, it's Herschel.
Holly: Astronomers' Christmas carol: Have a Halley Jolly Christmas!
Ink: My pen just ran out of Encke.
Kepler: An astronomer who kepples: Kepler.
Knowed: Incorrect past tense of "to know": Node.
Lunch: Sign on NASA scientist's door: "Out to launch."
Mars: That observatory is ugly. It Mars the whole landscape.
Meatier: What's the difference between a good burger and a shooting star? The burger is meaty, but the shooting star is meteor.
Meaty-er: The cow is bigger and heavier, but is it meteor too?
Miser: The cheapskate astronomer is a Mizar.
More Than Meets the Eye: There is more to a telescope than meets the eye.
Nap Tune: A ditty to put you to sleep: Neptune.
Near It: "Am I far from it?" "No, you're Nereid."
Oh Well: Lowell, I guess we won't be able to see Pluto tonight after all.
Orbit (1): The day after the famous astronomer died, his orbit-uary appeared in the newspapers.
Orbit (2): Why did the astronomer yell when he was rowing? Because his oar bit him.
Over (1): My pet dog got run nova by a truck yesterday.
Over On: "Where did you put the book?" "Oberon the table there."
Palace: The Astronomer King lives, naturally, on the asteroid Pallas.
Plan It: If you want an astronomical experiment to succeed, you have to planet carefully.
Roar: The Northern Lights sound like lions because they're auroras.
Rock It: What an astronomer does to a cradle: Rocket.
Rye Gel: The astronomer who mixed rye whiskey with jello got Rigel.
Sagittarius: I was surprised to learn that Bob Saget was born on May 17, and thus is a Taurus. I'd thought he'd have been a Sagittarius.
Scientist: Does launching a blue spacecraft make someone a rocket cyantist?
Series: Astronomers and baseball can mix, witness the World Ceres.
Share And (1): Generous astronomers believe in the phrase "Charon share alike".
Sole (2): He was the Sol survivor of the rocket explosion.
The Most: This has to be Deimos boring lecture on Mars yet.
Tie Tan: Efficient Boy and Girl Scouts in Taipei will not tie two knots, just Taiwan.
Tied: Explaining the ocean's motion left many astronomers fit to be tide.
Tighten: I don't want NASA to Titan its budget again.
Torus: What astronomers call donut-shaped objects: Taurus.
Vague: When an astronomy problem is not clear, it is Vega.
Waste of Space: "Orion's Belt is a big waist of space." This is a three-star review.
When Is (1): Venus he coming to get us?
Wormhole: Why did the astrophysicist go digging in the dirt? She was looking for wormholes.
Yer Anus: The proctologists' planet is Uranus.
You Put Her: Leave my girlfriend alone! Jupiter down this instant!

Chemistry

Basic: Studying the pH of solutions is a basic part of chemistry.
Ben Seen: "I want to report Ben as a missing person." "OK, where was benzene last?"
Bigger: Motto of land developer: beaker is better.
BO ["Body Odour"]: Borates stink. They're all about BO.
Bond (1): Many people wish for the day when a chemist's word was his bond.
Brawn: Metallurgists are a balanced bunch - they have both brains and bronze.
Chemis-tree: On this tree the chemists grow: Chemistry.
Compound: For chemists, broken bones tend to be compound fractures.
Easter: A chemist's favourite rabbit is the Ether Bunny.
Easter: An anesthesiologist will dress up as the Ether Bunny before going into the boxing ring so that she could win by knockout.
Elementary: "The name for the new trans-Uranic element should be Terry," said Professor Watson. "It's element-Terry, my dear Watson," said Professor Holmes.
Ethel: Would you buy a drink from a woman named Ethyl Alcohol?
Eye On: "I'm positive that I just lost an electron." "You'd better keep an ion that."
Ferrous: The amusement park ride had to be made of iron because it was a ferrous wheel.
Final: Chemistry exams at the end of the year are phenol exams.
Freon: The Chemistry Nightclub has a cover charge when there are entertainers, but it's freon nights when there aren't.
He Stir: How does Fred mix the solution? Ester.
I'm Only A: How can you expect me to do all these problems? Ammonia little boy!
Insolvent: Chemists don't go broke, they become insolvent.
Laboratory: A Chemistry teacher gave a very skillful and inspiring lecture in class. It was a lab oratory!
Lead: The most gullible element is easily lead.
Livid: Organic chemists get lipid with rage.
Meaty Ore: Is pig iron made from meaty ore?
Neutralize: Why does the military use acid? To neutralize the enemy base.
PO ["Piss Off"]: Phosphates are annoying. They PO many of the elements.
Pro Pain: A chemistry prof in favour of torture is propane.
Pro Teen: A chemistry teacher in favour of teenagers is protein.
React: Old Chemistry profs never die, they just fail to react.
Salt: Some say chemistry profs are the salt of the earth; others say otherwise.
States: Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas.

Chemistry: Elements

A Lumen, Um: Aluminum, is a measure of, uh, light intensity.
Anti-Money: A chemist in favour of barter is antimony.
Are Gone: "Have the evil Chemistry Punsters left?" "Yes, they argon."
Arson Nick: Nick the chemist was also a pyromaniac. He was known in the underworld as "Arsenic".
Boron: If a dumb student is a moron, is a boring chemistry prof a boron?
Bury 'Em (1): When a Chemistry prof dies, we have a funeral, then barium.
Business: In spite of the bank robbery, it was bismuth as usual.
Car-Bun: A chemist baked some rolls in the shape of automobiles. He called them carbons.
CD (Compact Disc): Did you hear about the heavy-metal band Cadmium? They've just released a new Cd at the Neon, you know the seedy club downtown.
Cold: The weather in Antarctica is quite gold.
Copper Night-Rate: Overtime for British policemen: Copper nitrate.
Crypt On: Chemists who design graveyards often put the krypton the right side.
Cure them: What chemical doctors do to diseases: Curium.
Fe [symbol for iron]: Iron Man's superhero chemist wife is called Fe-male.
Flatten 'em: "I'll knock down these buildings!" "You mean you'll platinum?"
Floor: The element that can be walked on is fluorine.
Heal 'em: What doctors do to sick chemists: Helium.
Hydro Gin: The power company's special cocktail: Hydrogen.
I dine: Iodine only at the finest restaurants.
I Rid 'Em: Motto of the chemist exterminator: Iridium.
I Run: Iron away from chemistry punsters.
Indian: An inhabitant of India: Indium.
Knee On: When kneeling to be knighted, a chemist must put one neon the floor.
Lead: A chemist can be lead to water, but cannot be made to drink.
Manga Knees: A Japanese cartoonist makes the drawing of leg joints elementary, because they're manganese.
Night Row Gin: A drink to consume while rowing long after sunset: Nitrogen.
Right On: Slang for "You got it correct": Radon!
Rode 'em: What the chemist did with her horses: Rhodium.
Scan Them: How a chemist digitizes photos: she Scandium.
Seal: The aquatic mammal that's also a chemical element is a Cl.
See None: "Do you see Waldo and his friends?" "I xenon of them."
Seize Them: What the cops did to the chemist's illegal drugs: Cesium.
Silly Con: What you get if you put a comedian in jail: Silicon.
Silver: How did the Lone Ranger injure the fortune teller? He crossed her palms with Silver.
Sink: What a ship does when it's torpedoed: Zinc.
Sorry-um: Lisping chemists apologize with Thorium.
Sow Them: What does a chemist farmer do with her seeds? Sodium.
Stand Them [Tin's Latin name is Stannum]: Puns on tin? I can't stannum!
Suffer: Stoic chemists sulfur in silence.
Tan: Which element turns brown in the sun? Tantalum.
Ten: The element that comes after nine: Tin.
Tie Tan: A chemist wanted neckwear that would turn brown in the sun, so she made it from titanium.
Tongues Ten: Chemists call ten tongues tungsten.

Computers

A Count: In status, account is between a peasant and a king.
Algol: A programmer's favourite star is Algol.
Apple: When a programmer's work begins to bear fruit, it's usually an Apple.
Bite (1): A computer programmer chops his food into byte-size pieces.
Com Piler: A person who stacks coms is a compiler.
Craze: A new fad or wild fashion in programming is called a Crays.
Curser: A swearing programmer can be called a cursor.
Decay: "Something is rotten in the state of Denmark" was written long before the Internet Protocol people assigned '.dk' to Danish websites.
Eunuchs: Male programmers who have lost their manhood are Unix.
Hooray (1): Three cheers for hacking! Hip, hip array!
Language: "@#*&^!!?{! programs!" "You watch your language!"
Lisp: When thomeone talkth like thith, he hath a Lisp.
Picks L: She never picks m or n for her variables, she always pixel.
Pro Gram: A person in favour of metric weights is program.
Ran Somewhere: Where did the cybercriminals go? I don't know, they ransomeware.
Scream: When frightened, a common reaction of a person is to screen.
Sequel: The movie "Querying the Database 2" was a totally unnecessary SQL. (For "normal" people, SQL is pronounced "Sequel".)

Dentist

A Bridge: I was going to make a long-winded joke about orthodontics, but decided to abridge it.
Al Dente: What do dentists eat for supper? Pasta al dente.
Amalgam: The collection of dentist jokes was an amalgam of bad puns.
Bi Cuss: A tooth that leads an alternative lifestyle focused on swearing is a bicuspid.
Bridge [dental]: A dentist's favourite song is "Bridge over Troubled Waters".
Bridge [dental]: A dentist's favourite movies are "A Bridge too Far", The Bridge Over the River Kwai" and "The Bridges of Madison County".
Brush Up: Dentists don't review before a test, they brush up on the material.
Buck: Why did the deer go to the orthodontist? He had buck teeth.
Cavity [dental caries]: When dentists go through airports, do they have to submit to cavity searches?
Chewed: Training is rough in dentist school. You'll get chewed out for missing drill practice.
Crown: The winner of the Dentist Games will get a crown.
Dent Your: Don't let anyone throw false teeth at your vehicle. They might denture car.
Down in the Mouth: Why does a dentist seem moody? Because he always looks down in the mouth.
Drill Team: Dentists in a shared-practice office called themselves "The Drill Team".
Embrace: Orthodontists don't hug, they em-brace.
Filling: Dentist: "What type of filling would you like?" Patient: "Chocolate?"
Filling in: I needed a cavity fixed, but my dentist was away. Fortunately he had someone filling in.
Flaws: The dentist's character isn't perfect: he has his floss.
Indentured: A person with false teeth forced to work against his will is an indentured servant.
Plaque: The employee of the month at the dentist office gets a little plaque.
Retainer: If I frequently need the services of an orthodontist, could I keep one on retainer?
Root Canal: The long, narrow body of water by which a dentist plants potatoes, beets and turnips is called the root canal.
Route: How does an endodontist decide where to start the root canal procedure? S/he chooses the root of least resistance.
Shotgun: When going for a car ride, the dentist always calls "shotgum".
Substitutes: Whoever came up with the word 'dentures' missed out on calling them 'substitooths'.
The Truth Shall Set You Free: Dentists who perform extractions get it backwards: instead of "The truth shall set you free," they set free the tooth.
Tooth and Nail: Dentists and manicurists can't get married, since they fight tooth and nail.
Tooth Fairy: To get to a dental convention on an island without an airport, the participants would have to get there on the Tooth Ferry.
Tooth Hurty: At what time do most people realize that they have to go to the dentist? Two-thirty.
Toothpicks: Dental X-Rays can clean your teeth because they're tooth-pics.
Truth: The judge told his dentist to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.

Geology

A Gate: How does a geologist get into a backyard? Through agate.
All Bite: If we albite rocks, we'll all lose our teeth.
Appetite (1): The mineral Apatite is the expression of hunger.
Aquarius: The people who are the best at digging rocks from the ground are born under the sign of Aquarrius.
Basalt: When geologists season their mutton, they use baa-salt.
Coaled: Using "cold" as the incorrect past participle of "to coal" will get a frigid response.
Darn It: If you drop a rock on your foot while in polite company, you should say "Garnet all!"
Fault: My dad always told me, "Don't be quick to find faults." Good man, terrible geologist.
Floor Right: If I don't get this fluorite, when someone walks in he'll fall through to the basement.
Gab Row: All of the talkative geology students were put in one row, soon christened the "gabbro".
Goal (1): When the geologist kicked the soccer ball into the net, she scored a coal, man.
Granted: Of all things, we must never take rocks for granite.
Graphite: When geologists fight with charts, it's called a graphite.
Gyp Some: The con man tried to gypsum mineralogists with a fake ruby, but he got caught.
Landslide: A soils scientist was elected president of the Geological Society. Apparently, she won by a landslide.
Lime Stoned: Snorting powdered citrus fruit got the geologist limestoned.
Magma: Although Mom was very fond of her volcanology periodicals, she'd erupt if you called her "Mag-ma".
Mike A: "What shall we give Mike?" "Let's give mica new mineral for his collection!"
Nice: You sent her flowers? What a gneiss thing to do.
On Its: Put Nick's book onyx shelf where it belongs.
Pie Right: At the circus, a clown threw a fake rock at another and got a pyrite in his face.
Quarts: There are four quartz to the gallon.
Rubies: If a rube is a type of hick, does it follow that hickies are rubies?
See Light: How to insult a geologist: look into his ear and say "I scheelite!"
Sham Rock: It's never a good idea to give a shamrock to a geologist, even on St. Patrick's Day.
She'll: I'll tell her that rock puns are great, but shale just ignore me.
Shirt: The geologist played poker, but wound up losing his chert.
Sin Bar: The bar where mineralogists break the Ten Commandments: the cinnabar.
Spinal: Fracture of the spinel column usually results in paralysis.
Zir Con: When Fred Zir was swindled of his jewels, it was called the Great Zircon.

Mathematics

Add Thems: I wonder if mathematicians belong to the Add'Ems Family?
After Math: Aftermath comes History, then Geography and Chemistry.
Aftermath: Did the invention of calculus have an aftermath?
Algebra: What did the mermaid wear to math class? An algae-bra.
Ark: That which Noah built. Arc.
Asthma: People who get wheezy and short of breath when confronted with an equation have mathsma.
Axe 'Em: What one does to trees that are in the way: Axiom
Axes [plural of axis]: With what do mathematicians chop wood? Axes.
Buy No Meal: I know a mathematician who couldn't afford lunch. He could binomial.
Cat: The French number that catches mice is quatre.
Coat And: When the mathematician went out into the cold, she put on her cotan hat.
Cord: Geometers don't use rope, they use chords.
Cosign: The mathematician needed a friend to cosine his loan application.
Counts: Math: the only subject that counts.
Course He Can't: Can a Humphrey Bogart turn into a banana? Of cosecant.
Crunching Numbers: There is a new breakfast cereal out for mathematicians called Toasty Numerals. It's for people who like crunching numbers.
Cube It: To multiply something by itself three times: Cubit.
Deck a Gone!: What the Captain said when his boat was bombed: Decagon!
Descent: Who is ready for a dix-cent into the madness of French number puns?
Existential: In algebra, never let x = 10 or you'll have an existential crisis.
Function: Why did the mathematician only work from home? She could only function in her domain.
Gee, I'm A Tree: What a little acorn says when he grows up: Geometry!
Go Inside: What one does when it rains: Coincide.
High Pot In Use: A tall coffee pot perking is a Hypotenuse.
In Verse: Mathematical functions aren't very poetic, but their inverses are.
Inn Scribe: What you call a person who wrote for an Inn: Inscribe.
Irrational: Pi does not belong in philosophy. It's too irrational.
Lemon: A sour citrus fruit: Lemma.
Log Rhythm: The musical beat for cut tree limbs: Logarithm.
Loses an Eye: Square root of -4 = 2. For mathematicians, it's all fun and games until someone loses an i.
Meal: Which French number can feed the hungry? Mille!
Mini Mum: A very small mother: Minimum.
Number: While most puns make me feel numb, math puns make me feel number.
Odds Against: I was attacked by 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9. The odds were against me.
Pecans: It takes 15 French numbered nuts to make pe-quinze.
Pilots: Why do mathematicians like airplanes? They use pi-lots.
Polly Gone: An expression representing the loss of a parrot: Polygon.
Polly No Meal: When the mathematician's parrot gets hungry, it turns into a polynomial.
Pup in Da Cooler: A dog sitting in a refrigerator: Perpendicular.
Rectangles: What shape is found in messed-up junkyards? Wreck tangles.
Sank: The Titanic was like the French number five: it cinq.
Says: "I'm the master of French numbers!" "Says who?" "Seize me!"
Scent 'Em: What a bloodhound does while chasing a woman: Centre.
Seize: As the French numbers say, "Carpe Diem! Six the day!"
Set: I've collected all of the French numbers! I have the full sept!
She Can't: Can a female mathematician turn into a mushroom? No, secant.
Sign: A mathematician's pickup line at a singles bar: "Hey, baby, what's your sine?"
Sign Waves: What do mathematicians use at protest rallies? Sine waves.
Sir Kull: A knight of the Mathematical Round Table was Sir Kull.
Square Meals: The other shapes are cannibals because they eat three square meals a day.
Stop at Nothing: I hate negative numbers and will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Straight Line: What's the shortest distance between two jokes? A straight line.
Take-Aways: When the Math Department has a meeting about subtraction, are there any take-aways?
Tan Gent: A (male) mathematician turned brown in the sun: Tangent.
The Vision: She wears glasses in Math class because it improves division.^Pun.me
Tore Us: Laughing too hard at doughnut jokes torus apart.
Trigonometry: The study of tree branch angles is twigonometry.
Uke Lid: The top of a mathematician's ukelele is the Euclid.
Unparalleled: My skills at drawing intersecting lines are unparalleled.
Victor: He won the race, so they called him the vector.
Wheat: French number bread is made from huit flour.
Wrecked Angle: When the triangle got into a serious car crash, it became a rectangle.
You Knit: What you do if you have yarn and needles: Unit.
You, Kid: In the movie Casablanca, if Rick had been a mathematician, he could have said "Here's looking at Euclid."

Meteorology

Brewing: I went into the kitchen and saw a hurricane making a pot of tea. I thought "hmm, there's a storm brewing."
By Storm: The movie Twisters is taking the theatres by storm.
Cloud: Past participle of "to clow": Cloud.
Convictions: "He really believes his theories on severe thunderstorms." "Yes, he is a man of strong convections."
Cy Clone: When Cy had a duplicate made of himself, it was called the cyclone.
Do: I hate water condensation problems! I never know what to dew.
Err (2): "To air is human, to forgive, divine."
Front (1): Given a choice, a weatherman always enters by the front door.
Gale: The most common name of women from the Windy City: Gail.
Grapple: It is sometimes difficult to graupel with the difficulties of cold rain formation.
Hailed: "Hello!" hailed the weatherman. (Previously he had been raining.)
Hurry Cain: Exhortation used to promote speed from Cain: Hurricane!
I See: Fred was warned about how slippery it was. When he fell, he said "Icy what you mean!"
Lightening: Knowledge of thunderstorm mechanics can often be en-lightning.
Nim Bus: A large vehicle suitable for carrying nims: Nimbus.
No: Meteorologist on Broadway: "There's snow business like show business..."
Reign of Terror: What do you call dangerous precipitation? A rain of terror.
Reigns: When the Queen served tea, it was observed that she not only rains, but she pours.
Service: The cirrus in this restaurant is terrible.
Sin Optics: The study of the properties of light in an evil medium is called synoptics.
Torn a Doe: Which of my deer pictures has he ripped? Oh, no! He's tornado!
Trowel: The weatherman puttered in his garden, using his trowal to dig out the weeds.
Twister: The party game that you shouldn't play during a tornado outbreak is Twister.
Whether: I've been debating weather or not to be a meteorologist.
Whirlwind Romance: Would two tornado chasers get married after a whirlwind romance?

Physics

A Pear: The physicist's favourite Christmas carol is "The Twelve Days of Christmas" because of the partridge in ampere tree.
A Stomach: Billy was sent home from Physics class with atomic ache.
An Ion: If you add electrons to a neutral atom, you'll get anion.
Angst: The unit of measure of anxiety is the Angst-rom.
Boil: The best way to evaporate water is to Boyle it.
Candelabra: A brassiere that measures light intensity is a candela-bra.
Density: "Do you know what Sin City is?" "Las Vegas." "How about Den Sity?" "Mass over Volume."
Dine: "Would you like to have dinner with us?" "Yes, I'd be happy to dyne with you."
Direction: The movie Speed (1994) incorrectly credits Jan de Bonts as director. If Speed had had any direction, it would have been called Velocity.
Force: A force is one step greater than a threece.
Gravity: "Is it very serious?" "Yes, it is a matter of the utmost gravity."
Home: A cowboy turned physicist likes to sing "Ohm on the Range."
Leapt On: "The particle physicist jumped on the bandwagon?" "No, he lepton it."
New Ton: That which replaced the old ton: Newton.
Plank: This piece of wood is not a board, it is a Planck.
Potential: "She has an average of 98% in all her Physics courses." "Yes, she has great potential."
Pro Ton: Someone in favour of 2000-pound weights is proton.
Relativity: Researching a family tree is studying relativity.
Resistance: The Borg in Star Trek believe in superconductors: "Resistance is futile."
Row Tate: "Mr. Tate must be taken across this lake by this boat." "You mean I have to rotate across?"
Short Circuit: NASCAR started a racing league for electric cars. People aren't charged up about it because it's a short circuit.
Sir Kitt: After Mr. Kitt had been knighted, he was called circuit.
What: Watt we need is more power.
Work: All quark and no play makes physicists a dull lot.
You'll (2): "I'll help you with quantum field theory if joule help me with thermodynamics."