The Top 16 Signs You Won't Beat a Computer at Chess

Date Received: Mon, 19 May 1997
From: Meg Schell
Subject: Top 16 Signs You Won't Beat a Computer at Chess

16> Let's just say that in the movie version of your life, you'd be played by Pauly Shore.

15> Your idea of "conquering Deep Blue" involves employing your gastro-intestinal system to attack the Tidy Bowl man.

14> The computer: A highly sophisticated electronic brain from IBM. You: A highly intoxicated electrician from NJ.

13> Before moving your queen, you insist on consulting Eddie Murphy.

12> Computer: lauded by scientists for its ability to calculate millions of chess moves per minute. You: lauded by fraternity buddies for your ability to pass gas and burp simultaneously.

11> You can't make a single move without thinking of huge juicy shrimp.

10> In your circle, "castling" means holing-up in your trailer with an AK-47 and a bottle of bourbon.

9> Your "garlic breath" strategy fails to intimidate this particular opponent.

8> Your populist leanings always result in you inciting your pawns to wipe out their own king and queen.

7> Kasparov's idol: Bobby Fisher. Your idol: Eddie Fisher.

6> The press has nicknamed you "Deep Doo."

5> You plan to use the "James T. Kirk Strategy" -- talk the computer into blowing itself up.

4> Video tapes of you shouting at the ATM are legendary among the bank security staff.

3> Computer: Intel Inside. You: Imbecile Inside.

2> After your move, you slap the computer monitor and shout, "King me, Pentium-breath!"

and the Number 1 Sign You Won't Beat a Computer at Chess...

1> You counter *every* move with a "Smirnoff opening."

[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]

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