Are you a Computer Scientist (or Engineer)?
11 Apr 1996
100 ways of knowing you're a computer scientist:
Asked about your religion you reply "Unix"
You are your own nameserver
You know what a nameserver is
You think knowing C means your bi-lingual
You regard emacs users as the enemy
You regard vi users as your friend
You regard everybody else as DOS users
You have installed Linux at least three times
You load Doom so you can play DOS
You write your homepage using vi and not some wimpy HTML converter
You can translate this sentence
The number of times you've used Windows 3.11 you can count on one hand
You wish your brain had its own IP address
You know at leat 30 ftp sites off the top of your head
You think working at Microsoft is degrading
You've hit the power switch on a Mac to eject a disk
When asked about Macs you reply "Sorry I don't play with toys"
You follow software version numbers the way people do baseball stats
You check your mail at least 10 times daily
You subscribe to mailing lists just to fill your mailbox
Nobody sends you e-mail
You've fake mailed somebody
You know what ports 7, 23, 25, 79 and 80 mean
You do all your assignments the night before
You are still trying to discover what that Formal Logic and Discrete Math course was good for
People walk up to you and say "You always seem to be logged in"
You've hacked somebody's account
You have made "free" phone calls
You know root's password on some system
You know root's password on some system that isn't your own
You log in as root and proceed to go through your own home directory deleting files for a power trip
You log in as yourself and proceed to go through other people's home directories for a power trip
You have told a friend "Gee, the security on this system sucks. Here let me show you"
Your high school comp. sci. teacher was an idiot
You've lectured a computer teacher, pointing out all the mistakes they made in their lesson
You've done this in front of the class
All computing activity must take place within easy reach of caffeine
You have drank beer and programmed at the same time
You've written better code while under the influence of alcohol
You have told a Microsoft joke
You worry that if you drop out now you'll become another Bill Gates
Your comp. sci. TA gives you low marks because they are jealous of your superior programming abilities
You have downloaded dirty JPEGs before you were 18
You remember unix passwords but not your bank card PIN numbers
You can pick out a computer conversion a mile away
You have beaten somebody up for saying "information superhighway"
You put somebody's surfboard where the sun don't shine for saying "Surf the net"
You picked comp sci to meet women
You never date
Your last girlfriend was on a CD-ROM
You have more then 5 unix accounts
You post all your unix accounts in your .sig file
Your homepage contains the phrase "this Web page is still under construction"
You drool over computer specs
You drool over yourself
You've worn your clothes more then once without washing them
You never wash your clothes
You wear glasses or should be wearing glasses
You have told an engineer joke
You think engineers are a joke
You cringe when an engineer uses a computer
Nobody uses your computer except for yourself
People have died for using your computer without your permission
You've done hardware repair over the phone
You've introduced yourself using your e-mail address
You broke out laughing in Jurassic Park when the girl said, "Hey this is Unix. I know Unix"
You associate GUIs with computer illiteracy
You associate Microsoft with computer illiteracy
Your mouse collects dust
You can count in base 2 : 2, 4, 8, 16, 32, 64, 128, 256, 512, 1024, 2048, 4096, 8192
Your hard drive is all neatly organized but everything around your computer is a mess
There are at least 6 empty Coke cans surrounding your computer
You haven't seen sunlight in the last 72 hours
You think Star Trek is real
You can't do math
Everybody thinks you are weird
Everybody else is weird and your normal
You have collected at least 200 computer viruses
You wrote 50 of your viruses
Root has sent you mail asking what were you doing
Sys Admins snoop your tty sessions "just in case"
You snoop your sysadmin's tty sessions "just in case"
You wrote your resume in PostScript
You ftp'ed all your Linux disks
You only read the manual after you have screwed something up
You never comment your code
Your user documentation is just a print out of the source code
You are thought of as a god when the computer goes down
You send mail to people using mail
You know Microsoft is the biggest threat to democracy since communism
You watch idiot's guide to computers television shows just to pick out all the mistakes and to realize how smart you are
People engage in conversations with you just to realize how dumb they are
You have turned an English essay into a computer science project
You always make sure you have an ASCII table handy
You don't know what the word "backup" means
You have a fond affection for Digital VT100 terminals
You're still a virgin
You never brush your teeth
You haven't figured out how to program a VCR
You would rather step in sh*t at Reynolds then sleep with it at Thornbrough. (for all non-University of Guelph comp. sci's it means "You'd rather be a comp. sci major then an engineer.")
Wed, 17 Apr 1996
You know you are an engineer if...
If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception
If Dilbert is your hero
If people groan at the party when you pick out the music
If random people on the street walk up to you and ask you computer questions, and this doesn't seem at all peculiar at the time.
If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it
If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail
If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions
If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind
If you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say it out loud
If you are convinced you can build a phazer out of your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment
If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes
If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary
If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting
If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week
If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run
If you did the sound system for your senior prom
If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is
If you email your s.o. cool urls even though she's sitting 25 feet away.
If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project
If you have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area
If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal
If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work
If you have a lan in your house so all the machines can share the internet access.
If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage
If you have a pager that only your computer knows the number of.
If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for
If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is"
If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance
If you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside
If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name
If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already
If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven
If you have more email addresses than "normal" people have pairs of socks.
If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life
If you have more functioning computers in your home than permanent residents, even if you count the cat.
If you have more toys than your kids
If you have never backed-up your hard drive
If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts
If you introduce your wife as "firstname.lastname@example.org"
If you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screw driver to use
If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush
If you know what http:/ stands for
If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys
If you need a checklist to turn on the TV
If you own "Official Star Trek" anything
If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, and you actually remember where they are
If you own more CD-ROMs than you do music CDs.
If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts
If you put someone on hold so you can check your email.
If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires
If you see a good design and still have to change it
If you spend more on your home computer than your car
If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE
If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it
If you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep
If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers
If you truly believe aliens are living among us
If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car
If you want an 8X CDROM for Christmas
If you window shop at Radio Shack
If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio
If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4.Chocolate
If your checkbook always balances
If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal
If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight
If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place
If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies
If your lap-top computer costs more than your car
If your significant other knows that the way to contact you at work is by email, even though you have an 8 line phone on the wall behind the monitor.
If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner
If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory
If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50
If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone
If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string
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