Thu, 26 Aug 1999
Here's a peek into the thoughts of computer techs worldwide...an end user's
guide to technical services. (well maybe NOT!!!)
- When a tech says he's coming right over, log out and go for coffee.
It's no problem for us to remember 2700 network passwords.
- When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it
buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried
flowers, bowling trophies and Popsicle art. We don't have a life, and we find
it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
- When tech support sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it
at once. We're probably just testing out the public groups.
- When a tech is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your
guts out and expect him to respond immediately. We exist only to serve and are
always ready to think about fixing computers.
- 5.When a tech is at the water cooler or outside having a smoke, ask
him a computer question. The only reason why we drink water or smoke at all is
to ferret out all those users who don't have email or a telephone line.
- Send urgent email ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it up and
flags it as a rush delivery.
- When you call a tech's direct line, press 5 to skip the bilingual
greeting that says he's out of town for a week, record your message, and wait
exactly 24 hours before you send an email straight to the director because no
one ever returned your call. You're entitled to common courtesy.
- When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's
electronics in it, right?
- When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer
support. We can even fix telephone problems from here.
- When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on a tech's chair
with no name, no phone number, and no description of the problem. We love a
- When you have a tech on the phone walking you through changing a
setting; read the paper. We don't actually mean for you to DO anything; we just
love to hear ourselves talk.
- When we offer training on the upcoming OS upgrade, don't bother.
We'll be there to hold your hand after it is done.
- When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times.
Print jobs frequently just disappear into the cosmos for no reason.
- When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to
all 68 printers in the office. One of them is bound to work.
- Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.
- If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to go
around and update the network drivers for you and all your co-workers. We're
grateful for the overtime when we have to stay until 2:30 am fixing
- When you have a tech fixing your computer at a quarter past one, eat
your lunch in his face. We function better when slightly dizzy.
- 18.Don't ever thank us. We love this AND we get paid for it!
- When a tech asks you whether you've installed any new software on
this computer, lie. It's nobody's business what you've got on your
- If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your
dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed
to have 45 lbs. of computer sitting on top of them.
- If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail
upgrade. Keyboards work much better with half a pound of muffin crumbs, nail
clippings, and big sticky drops of Coke under the keys.
- When you get the message saying "Are you sure?", click on that Yes
button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it,
- Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about
that computer crap". It never bothers us to hear our area of professional
expertise referred to as crap.
- When you need to change the toner cartridge, call tech support.
Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard
recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a Master's
degree in nuclear physics.
- When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to
call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party
who doesn't know jack shit about the problem.
- When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone as a high-
priority mail attachment. We've got plenty of disk space and processor capacity
on that mail server.
- Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller
chunks. God forbid somebody else might get a chance to squeeze into the
- 28.When you bump into a tech in the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a
computer question. We work 24/7, even while at the grocery store on weekends.
- If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in on the
weekends and do his projects on your office computer. We'll be there for you
when his illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes your Access database flip out.
- When you bring us your own no-brand home PC to repair for free at the
office, tell us how urgently we need to fix it so your son can get back to
playing DOOM. We'll get right on it because we have so much free time at the
office. Everybody knows all we do is surf the Internet all day anyway.