99 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator (besides sex)

Date Received: Tue, 21 Apr 1998

Here ya go. Sorry I didn't think to include them. I don't know the original author, but I can take credit for the second fifty. What'd ya think?

  1. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
  2. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
  3. Ask everyone what they made for their side dish.
  4. Ask someone to take your temperature, then turn around.
  5. Ask them what floor they are heading toward, then press the wrong button.
  6. Attempt to hypnotize the other passengers.
  7. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
  8. Blow spit balls at the ceiling.
  9. Blow spit bubbles.
  10. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.
  11. Blow your nose without a hanky.
  12. Bring a chair along.
  13. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
  14. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
  15. Clutch your stomach and gasp.
  16. Collect an elevator tax.
  17. Count down from 100,000 out loud.
  18. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
  19. Do Tai Chi exercises.
  20. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
  21. Dress as a clergy member of the opposite sex.
  22. Eat jello through a straw.
  23. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
  24. Give each passenger a round of applause as they enter or leave.
  25. Give each passenger a ticket and remind them that door prize drawing is in half an hour.
  26. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
  27. Go into extreme detail explaining how you were trapped in an elevator once for two days.
  28. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
  29. Greet everyone with a smile and a handshake, then ignore them.
  30. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
  31. Have a seizure.
  32. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
  33. Hug yourself.
  34. Hum the theme from Mission Impossible with yours eyes darting around the elevator.
  35. Hum the theme to Jeopardy
  36. If anyone brushes against you, whisper to them "was it good for you too?"
  37. Jump up when the elevator reaches a stop.
  38. Lean against the button panel.
  39. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
  40. Leave a box between the doors.
  41. Lick gummy bears and stick them to things (the walls, the buttons, the passengers, etc.)
  42. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
  43. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
  44. Make farm noises.
  45. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
  46. Make SURE the emergency phone is working.
  47. Meow occasionally.
  48. Mumble autistically about the possibilities of elevator accidents.
  49. Offer a bite of your fresh tangerine to everyone coming on board.
  50. Offer hitman services.
  51. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
  52. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
  53. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
  54. One word: Flatulence!
  55. Open a lemonade stand.
  56. Perform the Hamlet soliloquy. When a new passenger enters, start over again.
  57. Pick your nose.
  58. Place police tape (CRIME SCENE DO NOT CROSS) on the inside of the doors.
  59. Play dead.
  60. Play patty--cake with the door.
  61. Play the harmonica.
  62. Pray to Budda.
  63. Preach about the end of the world.
  64. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
  65. Read a book upside down.
  66. Recite poetry in monotone.
  67. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
  68. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
  69. Scratch yourself.
  70. Scribble furiously on a notepad while looking at each passenger. When they try to look, hide the pad.
  71. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
  72. Shadow box.
  73. Shave.
  74. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
  75. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
  76. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
  77. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You`re one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
  78. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
  79. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
  80. Start a sing-along.
  81. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
  82. Tap dance.
  83. Tell everyone about the hidden rooftop penthouse belonging to the mob.
  84. Tell everyone about your love life.
  85. Tell the passengers not to worry. The bomb won't go off for at least another two minutes.
  86. Try to purchase an article of clothing from the person next to you.
  87. Untie one shoe, then tie the other. Repeat.
  88. Walk in circles. Change directions when you hit a passenger.
  89. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
  90. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
  91. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers through it.
  92. Wear a Santa suit...in June.
  93. Wear a ski mask and carry an axe.
  94. Wear complete SCUBA gear, then offer your buddy hose to the other passengers
  95. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
  96. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
  97. When the doors open, pretend you did it with your mind.
  98. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
  99. Whistle the first seven notes of "It`s a Small World" incessantly

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