Excuses for skipping work

Date Received: Thu, 17 Oct 1996

  1. If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
  2. When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
  3. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
  4. My stigmata's acting up.
  5. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
  6. I have a rare case of 48-hour leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...
  7. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Seven Eleven.
  8. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about Roswell? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
  9. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
  10. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now have the wrong social security number.
  11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
  12. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
  13. I prefer to remain an enigma.
  14. My stepmother has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
  15. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
  16. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
  17. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
  18. I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

This page last updated .