Wed, 11 Feb 1998
HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE
- Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
- Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if
your boss is a different gender than you are.)
- Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by
these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." or "No I'm sorry, I'm going to have
to disagree with you there, Chachi."
- Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing.
For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
- "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes
since you did this.
- While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."
- Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle
sounds all day.
- Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people
you're waiting for your document.
- Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time
for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the
meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.
- Insist that your e-mail address be:
- Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want
fries with that.
- Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate
about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a
co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
- Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair
- Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
- Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."
- Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
- Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny
Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.
- For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in
the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you
can catch in your mouth.
- Send e-mail messages saying "free pizza, free donuts, etc. in the
lunchroom." When people complain that there was none, just lean back, pat your
stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
- Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten
over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
- Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard