Christmas
- Auld Lang Syne: As New Year's Eve draws to a close, the follically challenged gather to sing of memories of their lost hair: Bald Lang Syne.
- Catch It: "Sir, the horse broke loose from the stable!" "Don't just stand there! Cratchit!"
- Chris Mess: Chronically an untidy person, in December Chris was always called "Christmas".
- Christmas: A holiday-season test could be called a Quizmas.
- Claustrophobia: Is the fear of Santa called Claustrophobia?
- Claws: "Bad kitty! Don't sharpen your claus on Santa's leg!"
- Come All: The Christmas carol most often heard in the deserts is O Camel Ye Faithful.
- Deck the Halls: A friend recently finished work on a deck. I suggested that at Christmas he could put it on a flatbed truck. Then instead of "Deck the Halls" he could sing "Haul the Decks".
- Deep and Crisp and Even: What is King Wenceslas' favourite pizza? One that is deep-pan, crisp and even.
- Elvis Presley: Which of Santa's Helpers rocked the most? Elfis Presley.
- Fa-la-la-la: The animal that is always overlooked at Christmas is the fa-la-la-la-llama.
- Felt His Presence: How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
- For Giving and Not Forgetting: The Christmas of Reconciliation was memorable because Christmas is forgiving and not forgetting.
- Ho, ho, ho: I saw Santa Claus in the gardening centre yesterday. He was checking out the ho-ho-hoes.
- Holidays (2): Season's greetings from your florist: "Happy holly-days."
- Hum Bug: After a tragic accident, the rock group "Singing Insect" became known as the "Humbug".
- Knickers: Is Santa Claus' brand of underwear called St. Knickers?
- Light: How can you make Santa Claus light? Stick his finger in the socket.
- Mistle Toe: Instead of athelete's foot, Santa gets mistletoe.
- Murder: I've always wondered, when Christmas rolls around, if we got frankincensed enough, would he commit myrrh-der?
- Naughty: Why was E the only letter to get a Christmas present? Because all of the other letters were not E.
- No L: ...i, j, k, m, n, o... is the Christmas alphabet because there's Noel.
- Nudnik: A naked Santa is an annoying person because he's a nude Nick.
- On the House: Why does Santa not have to pay for parking? Because it's on the house.
- Past: How did Ebenezer Scrooge win the football game? The Ghost of Christmas passed!
- Present: "Why did you give me a clock for Christmas?" "Because there's no present like the time!"
- Rain Dear: "Do you think it will snow tonight, honey?" "No, I think it will reindeer."
- Rap: At Christmas time, M.C. Hammer is a wrap musician.
- Rip-Off: Christmas morning: The greatest rip-off of all time!
- Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: One night, a Viking named Rudolph the Red looked out the window and said "It is going to rain." His wife asked "How do you know?" He replied "Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
- Santy Claus: Our health plan has nothing about mental health. There is no sanity clause.
- Slays: Haw-haw! Christmas puns are so funny, they absolutely sleigh me!
- Starbucks [coffee chain]: Elf: "Why are Dasher and Dancer always taking coffee breaks?" Santa: "They are my star bucks."
- Stocking: Even before November, the merchants begin Christmas stocking the shelves for the rush.
- Subordinate Clause: What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate clauses.
- There's No Place Like Home for the Holidays: Always serve Eggs Benedict on a hubcap because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.
- Tin Sell: What decoration does a metal peddler put on a Christmas tree! Tinsel.
- Tree (1): Would selling out a male Christmas tree seedling be considered tree-son?
- You'll (1): If you don't behave yourself, yule get coal in your stocking.
- You'll Be Sorry: For Christmas, I got my wife a wrap-around dress with a bee motif. She didn't like it. The sales clerk did warn me of this, when he called it a "Yule bee sari".