Pun Dictionary: Food Category

Expressions

Act Like a Nut: If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut.
Ad Here: Advertisers will place ads anywhere, even on promotional glue guns. They say "Put your adhere!"
Afraid of That: "Do you have any books on phobias?" "Sorry, no we don't." "I was afraid of that."
Alienated: "Are you OK with a Vulcan helping you?" "Of course, why wouldn't I be?" "I was afraid that you'd feel alien aided."
All your Eggs in One Basket: "I want 2 rubber seals, 3 plastic seals and one metal seal." "Don't put all your begs in one gasket!"
All's Well: The favourite Shakespeare quote in the Middle East: "Oil's well that end's well."
Any Means Necessary: "How should we stop the Mad Punster?" "By any means necessary!" "But any doesn't mean necessary!"
Aren't Much to Look At: The Invisible Man married the Invisible Woman. Their kids aren't much to look at, either.
Back Issues: I fell asleep last night while reading old magazines. This morning I woke up with back issues.
Backup Plan: If the Great Escape requires that the car go into reverse, and the gear breaks, do you need a backup plan?
Bang for Your Buck (1): A combination of hair salon and fireworks store could be called "More Bangs for Your Buck".
Bang for Your Buck (2): The motto of a discount hair stylist could be "More Bangs for Your Buck".
Bang for Your Buck (3): The motto of a discount deer rifle gun shop could also be "More Bangs for Your Buck".
Bark is Worse than Your Bite: I had to choose being a programmer over being a shipbuilder, because my barque is worse than my byte.
Batteries Not Included: My nickname in school was "Batteries" because I wasn't included in anything.
Behind Bars: Why are people who serve drinks imprisoned by their jobs? Because they're behind bars.
Best Man: At the start of a competition at a wedding, should you say "May the best man win?"
Boom and Bust: A fireworks and a brassiere-making company hoped to increase business by merging, but the result was boom and bust.
Bored Stiff: When the mortician died while doing carpentry, he became a board stiff.
Boring: To wish an oil driller well, should you say "Have a boring day"?
Brains vs Brawn: The Braun company makes electric razors. If they made a promotional video for a hair clipper for donkeys, would it be called "Brayin vs Braun"?
Breaking News: "Bull in a China Shop!" is an example of breaking news.
Bring to the Table: Employer: "What makes you think you'd be a good waiter?" Me: "I bring a lot to the table."
Broke it Off: She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
Bumper Crop: When a farmer does really well, she grows auto parts because she has a bumper crop.
Bust a Move: When traffic cops pull over a U-Haul, they are dancing because they're busting a move.
Butter: The monk who saw the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine said "I can't believe it's not Buddha."
Call It a Day: God: "Whew, I just created 24-hour periods of alternating light and dark on Earth." Angel: "What will you do now?" God: "Call it a day."
Calling the Shots: Are people who decide on giving vaccines calling the shots?
Can't Beat It: What is the best Christmas present ever? A broken drum – you can’t beat it!
Can't Stand: I can't stand being in a wheelchair.
Cashing Bad Checks: Did you hear about the man who helped escaped criminals in Prague hide from the police? He was arrested for caching bad Czechs.
Casualties: Did you hear about the explosion at a clothing store? There were casual tees everywhere.
Changed: I wasn't going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
Changes Everything: The first time that I saw a Universal Remote Control, I said, "Wow, this changes everything."
Check Is in the Mail: When a knight in Prague dons his armour, does it mean that the Czech is in the mail?
Checked Out [books from library]: When librarians go into singles bars, do they get checked out?
Cinco de Mayo [Mexican national holiday]: A ship carrying a cargo of mayonnaise sank off the Gulf Coast of Mexico on May 5th one year. Now the date is remembered as the Cinco de Mayo.
Clean Getaway: Thieves stole a truck that had a cargo of soap. They made a clean getaway.
Combing [hair]: News Flash! 100 hares escape from the zoo! Police are combing the area.
Combing the Area: There was a burglary at the wig shop. Police are combing the area.
Coming Down With: Why did the elevator call in sick? It thought it was coming down with something.
Corner: What did one wall say to the other? "I'll meet you at the corner."
Cost of Living: How can funeral homes raise their prices and blame it on the cost of living?
Count On: Your fingers are reliable. You can always count on them!
Count On Me: I got a tattoo of an abacus on my arm so that people could count on me.
Counts: In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
Cover: My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.
Crack of Dawn: Which dinosaur gets up the earliest? The Crackodon.
Days Are Numbered: Every calendar's days are numbered.
Dead Against: I installed a high-voltage electric fence around my property. My neighbour is dead against it.^Pun.me
Dead Giveaway[1]: A funeral home promotion could also be called a dead giveaway.
Dead Giveaway[2]: What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
Deal With: When a person playing cards gets frustrated, does s/he say "I can't deal with this any more!"
Deeply Touched: The doctor told me that my prostate was OK. I was deeply touched.
Details Are Sketchy: A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
Deux Ex Machina: I banished all of the fighting Transformers when I played a card from my pocket. It was a deuce ex machina.
Dicing with Death: The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
Did a Number on It: The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
Die Laughing: When you put an S in front of laughter, you get slaughter. No wonder people die laughing.
Do Anything for a Buck: My friend found a deer stuck in a fence. It took him 3 hours, but he was able to rescue it. He’ll do anything for a buck.
Do with My Eyes Closed: Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I can do it with my eyes closed.^Pun.me
Don't Move: An armed man ran into a realtor's office and yelled "Don't move!"
Don't Sweat the Petty Things: Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
Door Is Always Open: My spouse wanted to talk to me about our high heating bills. I said "My door is always open."
Down to Earth: I met some aliens from outer space. They were pretty down to earth.
Draw: Despite the cartoonist's claim of being retired, she was able to draw a crowd wherever she went.
Driving Me Nuts: A pirate walked into a bar with a car's steering wheel between his legs. The bartender says, "Sir, why is there a steering wheel between your legs?" The pirate replied "I know. It's driving me nuts!"
Drop a Line [communicate]: The best way to communicate with fish is to drop them a line.
Dropped the Ball: If the New Years Eve guys in New York foul up during the show, we could say that they dropped the ball.
Early Bird Gets the Worm: Why did the archaeopteryx catch the worm? Because it was an early bird.
Eggs in One Basket: A long letter in Santa's in-basket
Made him feel like he would blow a gasket.
"You shouldn't feel blue,
If I say that you
Should not put all your begs in one ask-it."
Either/Or: Before surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.
Either/Or Situation: A small, grubby boat is a dingy dinghy. You can choose where to sit to propel it, as it's an either oar situation.
Element of Surprise: Chemists, and lately physicists, have discovered many elements, but have yet to find the Element of Surprise.
Emotional Baggage: Telling your luggage that there will be no vacation this year can be tough. Emotional baggage is the worst.
End of the World: Supervillains shouldn't be upset when their doomsday devices don't work. It's not the end of the world.
Et Tu, Brute?: If Brutus had dressed up as a ballerina, Julius Caesar might have said "Et tutu, Brute?"
Everyone's Clear: Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.
Eye for an Eye: When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
Failing Health: I got a D- on my medical exam. Apparently, I'm in failing health.
Fall Short: I'll never be a champion dwarf thrower. All my efforts fall short.
Far Out: Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out man!
Fast-Paced: Very runny glue is fast paste.
Feeling Down: There's a rip in my feather pillow. I'm feeling down.
Field: If your children are looking for a career, have them consider farming. There’s good money in that field.
Fine Job: The city's parking enforcement officers handed out lots of tickets and were commended for doing a fine job.
Fire at Will: When William joined the army, he came to dislike the phrase "Fire at will".
Flying Colours: While taking the pilot's exam, she flew through a rainbow and passed with flying colours.
Foot the Bill: What's the difference between a philanthropist and an orthopedist? A philanthropist foots the bill, while an orthopedist bills the foot.
Force of Habit: Nuns tend to gather in groups of two pairs due to fours of habit.
Fruit: Do apple pickers get to enjoy the fruits of their labours?
Gathering Dirt: I got rid of my broom and dustpan. They were just gathering dust.
Get Into It: I lost interest in my tiny car. I just couldn't get into it.
Get Well Soon: My friend couldn't pay his water bill, so I sent him a "Get Well Soon" card.
Give a Hand: We applaud puppets by giving them a hand.
Give You Up: Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except one. He's never gonna give you Up.
Gluttons for Punishment: When a group of foodies got together to advocate for longer prison terms for crimes, they became known as the Gluttons for Punishment.
Go Back for Seconds: When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Go on Ahead: Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One said to the other, "You stay here. I'll go on ahead."
Go Out on a High Note: The retiring opera singer wanted to go out on a high note.
God Helps Those Who Help Themselves: A sign at a church function's buffet read "God helps those who help themselves."
Good for What Ails You: French for garlic is l'ail. So it's true that garlic is good for what l'ails you.
Good to the Last Drop: Maxwell House is the skydivers' coffee because it's good to the last drop.
Got Over It: I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.^Pun.me
Grin and Bear It: How do strippers deal with adversity? They grin and bare it.
Hand in It: I did not design the new glove, but I definitely had a hand in it.
Hand It To: You've really got to hand it to short people - because they probably can't reach it anyway.
Hands Down: The best time on the clock is 6:30, hands down.
Hard to Beat: A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.^Pun.me
Hard to Find: I wanted to start a professional hide-and-seek team, but couldn't. Good players are hard to find.
Hard to Put Down: Did you read the book about anti-gravity? It was hard to put down.
Hard-Hitting: Are documentaries about boxing supposed to be hard-hitting? (And will they be reviewed in the magazine Punch?)
Hear the End of It: I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.
Held Up: Why was the belt arrested? It held up a pair of pants.
Help [Beatles Album]: "I'm addicted to buying Beatles albums." "It sounds like you need help." "No thanks, I already have that one."
Hindsight is 20-20: We should rename the year after 2019 "Hindsight" because Hindsight is 2020.
Huge Step Forward: My doctor said that I need more exercise and suggested that I start with lunges. That's a huge step forward.
Hugs the Shore: When does a boat show affection? When it hugs the shore.
I Can't Say I Do: "I think that you have a deep-seated fear of marriage. Do you know the symptoms." "I can't say I do." "Well, that's one of them."
If You've Seen One You've Seen them All: A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
I'll Be Back [from The Terminator]: I went to the toy store and asked the assistant "Where are the Schwarzenegger dolls?" "Aisle B, back."
In Hot Water: I should call myself Teabag because every time I open my mouth, I find myself in hot water.
In One Ear and Out the Other: Studies have shown that cows produce more milk when the farmers talk to them. It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.
In One Ear and Out the Other: I no longer bother to tell people my New Year's resolutions. They just go in one year and out the other.
In the End: Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
It Dawned on Me: I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
It Grew on Me: I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
It Hit Me: I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Job Well Done: Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
Joint [marijuana]: My grandma told me that her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.^Pun.me
Jumped At: I was offered free lessons at the Skydiving Academy. I jumped at the chance.
Just Ice: "Revenge is a dish best served cold." If it were served warm, it would be just water.
Keep My Own Hours: I like being a clockmaker. I can keep my own hours.
Keep off the Grass: A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre says "Keep off the Grass".
Keep Track: "You are a terrible train driver! How many trains have you derailed this year?" "I don't know, it's hard to keep track!"
Kneel Before Me: I am Buzz Aldrin. Second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.
Last Legs: When your shoes are falling apart, does it mean they're on their last legs?
Last Thing I Need: A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I said "That's the last thing I need!"
Last, But Not Least: Someone bought the only car left at the dealership. It was last, but not leased.
Lay Low: Are chickens who are hiding just laying low?
Leap of Faith: A priest, a rabbi and an imam went skydiving. They called it a leap of faith.
Leggo My Eggo: I made a waffle out of plastic blocks just so that I could say "Lego my Eggo!"
Lesser of Two Evils: Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
Let Us Pray: Two skunks wandered into a church service and said "Let us spray."
Light-Headed: I put a flashing light on my bike helmet to help me be seen at night. Instead, it made me dizzy because I was light-headed.
Lips Were Sealed: He didn't tell his mother that he had eaten some glue. His lips were sealed.^Pun.me
Little in Common: Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.
Long Time, No See: In Plantagenet England there was a rule that said that if bishops grew their herbs to excessive sizes, they would be stripped of their diocese. Hence the origin of the phrase "long thyme no see."
Looking into It: A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
Loss for Words: I misplaced my dictionary. Now I'm at a loss for words.
Lost It [go nuts]: I had a pun about insanity but then I lost it.
Loved at All: Tis better to have loved a short person than never to have loved a tall.
Loved her Still: She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still.
Low Blow: When his ears were criticized, the MMA fighter responded with a sucker punch. It was a lobe low.
Make a Bolt: I adopted a dog from a blacksmith. As soon as I got home, he made a bolt for the door.
Make a Mends: Tailors won't apologize, but will make amends.
Make a Scene: Move and TV set designers don't have tantrums, but they will make a scene.
Make Myself Clear: If I could choose to have a super power, it would be invisibility. I just want to make myself clear.
Make Of: I got a rejection letter from Origami University. I don't know what to make of it.
Make Points: Elves are always defending the shape of their ears. They make some good points.
Make the Bed: Every morning after waking up, the first thing I do is make my bed. Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.
Make up (1): Atoms never tell the truth. They make up everything.
Make up (2): If atoms make up everything, can they put lipstick on a pig?
Make You Sick: If people make you sick, maybe you should cook them longer.
Makes My Day: The rotation of the earth really makes my day.
Makes Sense: I just invented a thought-controlled air freshener. It's not illogical, it makes scents when you think about it.
Makes Two of Us: "I don't understand cloning." "That makes two of us."
Man About Town: If Charles Mann were to write a biography of Harold Town, he could call it "Mann About Town".
Many Hands Make Light Work: The Hand family consists of 10 electricians. Their motto is "Many Hands make light work."
Many Happy Returns (1): I got a birthday card shaped like a boomerang. It said "Many Happy Returns".
Many Happy Returns (2): What to wish a person whose birthday is on Boxing Day: "Many happy returns."
Mark My Words: One day, I'm going to start collecting highlighters. Mark my words!
Match Made in Heaven: When a girl selling matches got caught in a downpour, she sought shelter under an awning. It was a match maiden heaven.
May the Force be with You: International Star Wars Day: May the Fourth be with you!
Means a Lot: "Mr. Reynolds, would you care to say a few words?" "To allocate for a special purpose." "Thanks, that means allot."
Means a Lot: "Mr. Reynolds, would you care to say a few words?" "Plethora." "Thanks, that means a lot."
Mind is a terrible thing to waste: A mind is a terrible thing to waste, and a waist is a terrible thing to mind.
Missing: What, you haven't tried blindfolded archery? You don't know what you're missing!
Nailed It: After making the perfect hammer blow, you should say "I nailed it!"
Near-Death Experience: I plugged my ears with my fingers and had a near-deaf experience.
Need the Dough: Bakers have to work because they knead the dough.
Need to Know: Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Never a Dull Moment: Bernard Cornwell has written a large number of historical fiction novels featuring Richard Sharpe. They are full of action and excitement, and little wonder, since there's never a dull moment when Sharpe is around!
New Heights: The plane flight brought my acrophobia to new heights.
No Kidding: Joe: "I am a proponent of birth control for goats!" Moe: "No kidding?"
No Man is an Island: Where do optometrists and ophthalmologists come from? Noman. Noman is an eye-land.
No One Can Hear You Scream: Astronaut 1: "I can't find any cream for my coffee!" Astronaut 2: "In space, no one can here use cream."
No One Has Heard Them: I know a lot of jokes in sign language. And I guarantee you that nobody has ever heard them.
No One is Laughing Now: They mocked me when I said I wanted to be a comedian. I got into the business anyway, and no one is laughing now.
No Pun Intended: There was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
No Strings Attached: A broken guitar can be given as a gift with no strings attached.
Nobody's Fool: An unemployed jester is nobody's fool.
Not for Profit: Did you hear about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit.
Nothing: To the person who invented zero: Thanks for nothing.
Nothing is Impossible: People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
Nothing to Go On: All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
Now You See Them: I build The Museum of Modern Punning out of cardboard boxes on my front lawn, but the recycling folks took it away. Now museum, now you don't.
Off [brand of insect repellant]: There was going to be a fancy naming ceremony for a new bug repellent, but it was called off at the last minute.
Off the Street: I owe a lot to the sidewalks. They’ve been keeping me off the streets for years.
Off-Peak: When people go to the back country to ski off mountain tops, do they look for discounts for off-peak days?
Oh Dear: Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
On Me: What did one plate say to the other? "Tonight, dinner's on me."
On the House: Why won't roofers work for free? After all, the shingles are on the house!
On the House: If I tell you two roof jokes, you need only pay me for the second one, as the first one is on the house.
On the Other Hand: I broke a finger at work today. On the other hand, things are still OK.
One Damn Thing After Another: Some days are like a parade in Hell: one damned thing after another.
One Night Stand: A wild fling with a person of your preferred gender, a bedside table or a rack for a suit of armour: either way, you have a one-knight stand.
One Size Fits All: The Grim Reaper's tool is great, no matter how big he is, because one scythe fits all.
One with Everything: Buddha walked up to a hotdog vendor and said "Make me one with everything."
Only you Can Prevent Forest Fires: Once there was a town whose florist shop was a front for the Mafia. One day a pair of monks opened their own flower shop, offering better prices and service. They were good and pious men and resisted all attempts to bribe and intimidate them. Finally, the Mafiosi had to call in the specialist. Hugh Jass was expensive, but his powerful, noxious flatulence killed the flowers, ignited and burned down the shop, and drove the good monks away. This goes to show that only Hugh can put out florist friars.
Order A Round: A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.
Out of Order: A new card deck gets broken when it's shuffled because then it's out of order.
Out of Your Head: A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
Over the Edge: Covid-19 has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society. They fear that all the social distancing measures will push people over the edge.
Page: I just Googled "Missing medieval servant" and the result was "Page not found".
Passing Fancy: Elaborate stickhandling and puck transfer is a phase hockey players go through. It's just a passing fancy.
Paying the Price: People who aren't good at haggling wind up paying the price.
Peer Reviewed: Scientific research is more trustworthy when it comes from France because it's Pierre reviewed.
Pick It Up: What training do you need to be a garbage collector? None. You pick it up as you go along.
Pilot Project: Could the work of the Wright brothers be considered a pilot project?
Plot Thickens: As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.
Poetic Justice: Judge O'Malley liked to deliver his verdicts as sonnets, so he became known as the Poetic Justice.
Poetry in Motion: A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Pointless: Attempting to write with a broken pencil is pointless.
Positive: Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure." The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
Press Your Luck: Don't iron your rabbit's foot - you don't want to press your luck!
Pride Cometh Before the Fall: We ought to rename summer "pride" because pride cometh before the fall.
Process of Elimination: The best way to evaluate laxatives is by a process of elimination.
Pros and Cons: I was dithering about experimenting to see which weighed more, a truck of books or 12 prison inmates. After weighing the prose and cons, I decided to go ahead with it.
Pull it Off: I came up with a complex striptease routine, but I don't know if I can pull it off.
Pull Off: I don't know why people have a problem with wigs. It's a look anyone can pull off.
Put on Hold: My career as a switchboard operator was put on hold.
Puts Food on the Table: Some people say being a waiter is a bad job, but it puts food on the table.
Putting on Airs: Why are people involved with royal successions always so snooty? Because they're all about putting on heirs.
Race: Did you hear about the guy who got shot with a starter pistol? I'm betting that it was race-related.
Racking My Brains: Dr Frankenstein: "Igor! Can't you think of a better way to shelve the contents of these heads?" Igor: "I'm racking my brains, doctor!"
Rage: Temper tantrums are not just a fad, they're all the rage.
Raised: In Britain they call it a "lift". In North America, it's called an "elevator". I guess that they're raised differently.
Raises an Eyebrow [expression]: Talking about cosmetic surgery used to be taboo, but now when we talk about Botox, nobody raises an eyebrow.
Rap Sheet [criminal record]: Is a criminal rapper's bedding made of rap sheets?
Recesses: I recall playtime in elementary school from the recesses of my mind.
Recipe for Disaster: This cookbook is only to be used after earthquakes, tornadoes, or hurricanes. It's called Recipes for Disaster.
Release the Kraken: The Kraken: I'd like to renew my apartment lease, please. Landlord: Re-lease the Kraken!
Remarkable: Whiteboards are so remarkable!^Pun.me
Responsibility: How does Spiderman come up with such witty comebacks? With great power comes great response ability.
Rest is History: I took a long nap yesterday. The rest is history.
Rest My Case: I hate carrying my luggage around the airport. I rest my case.^Pun.me
Revenge: I decided to start a craft beer brewery and name the product "Revenge" because Revenge is best served cold.
Riding on Them: Why are jockeys so focused on the well-being of their horses? Their careers are riding on them.
Rise To: As a baker's apprentice, I try to rise to the occasion.
Roast: I went into Starbucks the other day and asked for their mildest roast. The barista said “You have very average ears.”
Rocky Road: I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
Rolling Stone Gathers No Moss: I say that a mosque can be built in an area prone to rockslides because a rolling stone gathers no mosque.
Room with a View: I taped binoculars to my broom so I could have a broom with a view.
Round Up: A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
Rubbing It In: My friend keeps bragging that he got into massage school. I don't know why he has to keep rubbing it in.
Rude Awakening: I got my son an alarm clock that swears at him instead of beeping. He's in for a rude awakening.
Run for: Do people have to run for president of a jogging club?
Running Joke: "I didn't have time to jog today." "You say that every day." "Yes, it's a running joke."
Running Out of Time: When a jogger passes through a clock tower, does it mean s/he is running out of time?
S.O.B. [son of a bitch]: Why does Esso have a tiger for a mascot instead of a bee (like Cheerios)? Because nobody wants to deal with an Esso Bee.
Safety in Numbers: Forest rangers shoot grizzly bears with sedative darts before approaching them because there's safety in numb bears.
Sales Through the Roof: I know a guy who started building boats in his attic. His sails went through the roof.
See Ahead: Barbers and hair stylists are forward thinking because they're always seeing ahead.
See In: For Christmas, I got my girlfriend a gift card for an optician. It will help her see in the New Year.
See Straight: How about the guy who got so drunk at the Gay Pride parade that he couldn't see straight?
Seen: I accidentally drank some invisible ink. Now I'm in the emergency room waiting to be seen.
Seen and Not Heard: A lady whose last name is Heard,
Once told me "This is not absurd:
I am very keen
To marry Ken Zeen
So I can be Zeen and not Heard!"
Seen Them All: Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
Sell-Out Crowd: Is an audience of traitors, turncoats and quislings a sell-out crowd?
Sense (Make Any): It doesn't make any cents, but volunteering is rewarding.
Shaky Ground: I forgot to study for my exam on earthquakes and soon found myself on shaky ground.
Shock and Awe: Defibrillators are an example of "shock and awe". You shock the patient, and say "Aww, yay!" if it works, or "Aww, crap!" if it doesn't.
Shock and Awe: A Pikachu is an adorable Pokémon that also packs a potent zap attack. It's the Pokémon equivalent of "Shock and Awww".
Short Cuts: When a hairdresser is in a hurry, does she take shortcuts?
Short For: What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs.
Shot Heard Around the World: When NASA sent several cows into space, it was called the herd shot around the world.
Shout Out: Shout out to the people who don't know the opposite of the word "in", and to tennis players whose ball lands outside the lines.
Show For It: I just spent $300 to rent a limo and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver. I can't believe that I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.
Sight for Sore Eyes: The new optometric clinic is beautiful. It's a site for sore eyes.
Signature Move: Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.
Singing the Blues: "Royal, Navy, Sky, Cornflower…" "What are you doing?" "I'm singing the blues!"
Sink In: There was a knock at the door this morning. I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep. I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."
Sky Is the Limit: I wanted to be an astronaut when I grew up, but my parents told me that the sky is the limit.^Pun.me
Sleep Like a Log: If I sleep like a log, will I wake up in a fireplace?
Sleepers [pyjamas]: If I were to make a film called "Pyjamas!", would it become a sleeper hit?
Smoking a Joint: "Ow! My knee hurts so much, it feels like it's on fire!" "Whoa, man, are you smoking a joint?"
So Depressing: I had a job crushing pop cans. It was soda pressing.
So Unlike Me: I just drew a bad self-portrait. That is so unlike me.
So What Else is New: A bored big game hunter's complaint: "So what else is gnu?"
Social Climber: A group of mountaineers formed a club and decided to call themselves the Social Climbers.
Sold Out: I went to the toy store to get a Benedict Arnold Action Figure, but it had sold out.
Sore: People coming out of boxing matches with Muhammad Ali were usually sore losers.
Soul Destroying: I used to work in a shoe recycling factory. It was sole-destroying.
Sound Carries: Why did I name my pack mule "Sound"? Because Sound carries.
Speak for Themselves: Scientists have created artificial vocal cords. The results speak for themselves.
Spell Disaster: I just swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
Spur: Dressing as a cowboy for Halloween was a spur-of-the-moment decision.
Square in: Why are portholes round? Because when water comes through, you don't want to be hit square in the face.
Stage Hand: Before Thing got his role in the Addams Family, he was a stagehand. [Note: "Thing" was a disembodied hand.]
Start Anything: Two jumper cables walked into a bar. The bartender said "I'll serve you, but don't start anything!"
Step by Step: The user manual for the ladder was actually a step-by-step guide. It's perfect for social climbers.
Stick to My Guns: I think that my wife is putting glue on my firearms. She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.
Sticks in My Mind: I always remember my teacher telling me that I had twigs for brains. It sticks in my mind.
Stitches: When the surgeon told a joke, I was left in stitches.
Stoop So Low: I just read in the newspaper that someone pickpocketed a dwarf. How could anyone stoop so low?
Straight Answer: You know a person is crooked when they won't give a straight answer.
Suit Yourself: What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? "Suture self."
Surgical Strike: If doctors were walking on a picket line, would it be called a surgical strike?
Suspension of Disbelief: I've seen "Low Rider" cars and pickup trucks that are jacked up to the sky. Both require a suspension of disbelief.
Tables Have Turned: A century ago, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Now everyone owns a car and only the rich own horses. The stables have turned.
Take Out [kill]: I have never seen a restaurant offer a "Chuck Norris burger" for takeout. Maybe that's because you don't take out a Chuck Norris burger, it takes out you. Its Secret Sauce also has quite a kick.
Take Steps: How do you overcome fear of elevators? You take steps to avoid them.
Take Things Literally: Kleptomaniacs take things literally.
Tall Order: "The basketball player wants two new suits by tomorrow." "Wow, that's a tall order."
That's a Wrap: When the last scene of the movie about N.W.A. was finished, did the director say "That’s a rap!"?
That's My Story: I accidentally glued myself to my autobiography. Unbelievable, but that's my story and I'm sticking to it.
The World Is Ours: The motto of the International Timekeeper's Union is "The world is hours".
Their Words: People say that I'm a plagiarist. Their words, not mine!
There, There: What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.
There's No Place Like Home: What would Dorothy say if she played baseball in Oz? "There's no plate like home!"
Throw in the Towel: He couldn’t work out how to fix the washing machine so he threw in the towel.
Thy Will Be Done: Some people think that John Donne had a hand in William Shakespeare's Sonnets. These people say their cause is holy, because "Thy Will be Donne".
Time Has Come: The next maker of a smart watch should include a comb in its box. It will be successful because it's an idea whose time has comb.
Time Will Tell: Why can't you tell secrets around a clock? Because time will tell!
Time-Consuming: I ate a clock the other day. It was time-consuming, especially when I went back for seconds.
To Be or Not To Be: When pondering the name for a child, do parents say "Toby, or not Toby? That is the question."
To Pay: I bought a wig for a dollar. It was a small price toupée.
Tongue-Tied: For April Fool's Day, I was given neckwear with a picture of a tongue on it. I couldn't speak because I was tongue-tied.
Too Much on my Plate: I wanted to start a new diet, but I have way too much on my plate right now.
Took: I entered the Kleptomania Championship. I took gold, silver, and bronze.
Tossing and Turning: Last night I dreamed that I had to make a thousand pancakes. I was tossing and turning all night long.
Total Recall: My memory for smells is perfect - I have total reek-all.
Tourist Trap: If you are on a vacation, avoid any attraction called "Handcuffs". It's a two-wrist trap.
Track Meet: A singles bar for running enthusiasts could be called the Track Meet.
Track Meet: A delicatessen for running enthusiasts could be called the Track Meat.
Traveling Light: When the photon checked in at the hotel, the bellhop asked if he could take his bags. The photon said "No thanks, I'm traveling light."
Trouble Brewing: When asked to report on unrest among the brewery workers caused by malfunctioning equipment, the manager said "There's trouble brewing."
Turn It Down: When I saw the ad "Radio for sale, for $1, volume stuck on full", I thought "I can't turn down that offer!"
Turn On You: Beware of traitorous light switches - they will turn on you.
Turns Out: I just bought a reversible jacket. I'm excited to see how it turns out.
Up to a Point: Egyptian pyramid builders were good, but only up to a point.
Walked into a Bar: A man walked into a bar and was disqualified from the limbo contest.
Wartime Footing: We were told to put on army boots to get ourselves on a wartime footing.
Wearing Me Down: Said one goose to another: "Supporting the humans' winter coat industry is tiresome. It's wearing me down."
Well Read: Too much reading and not enough sunscreen while sunbathing makes you, well, red.
We've Got You Covered: The motto of the Gravedigger's Union Life Insurance Co. should be "We've got you covered."
What Are You Waiting For?: Come on, let's go swimming! Water you wading for?
What's Inside that Counts: When my friend ate a calculator, I defended him by saying "He may be strange, but it's what inside him that counts."
Whirlwind of Change: An EF3 tornado destroyed the Royal Canadian Mint in Ottawa yesterday, scattering coins over half of the city. The storm has been dubbed "the whirlwind of change".
Wishing Well: Any hole drilled by oil prospectors is a wishing well.
Working on It: I've got a great joke on construction coming, but I'm still working on it.
Worst Case: Don't you just hate it when you're picking up your bags at the airport and everyone's luggage is better than yours? Worst-case scenario.
Yabba-Dabba-Doo: If Fred Flintstone played video games, would he say "Yabba-dabba-Doom"?
Yes I Can: Having an emoji with "Yes!" on it would be motivational because it would be the Yes icon.
You Can't Have Your Cake and Eat It Too: Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.