Pun Dictionary: Misc Category

Cannibals

1. Agree With: Cannibals don't like argumentative people. The flavour doesn't agree with them.
2. Anybody: Cannibals aren't picky when it comes to getting volunteers. Any body will do.
3. Arm and a Leg: How about the cannibal who complained about the price of gas, saying it cost an arm and a leg to fill the tank?
4. Arr, Matey: What does a cannibal pirate say? "Arrrrmmm atey"
5. Batter: Cannibals should avoid mixing cake-baking with baseball, since they might put the wrong batter in the oven.
6. Butter Up [expression]: Beware the flattering cannibal. He's trying to butter you up.
7. Can Nibble: They're called cannibals because they can nibble on us.
8. Cannibal: Do headhunters get dressed up for the Canni-Ball?
9. Chewed out: Don't get your boss angry if s/he is a cannibal. You might get chewed out.
10. Cobbler: Is cobbler the preferred dessert at the Cannibal Shoe and Bootmaker's Convention?
11. Commander-in-Chief: The head of the cannibal tribe's "army" was seen going into the Chief's hut for a meeting. He then left in a hurry, ran off into the forest and was never seen again. Apparently he was told that he was going to become the Commander-in-Chief.
12. Cracker: In the US Deep South, do cannibals eat their soup with crackers?
13. Delegate: If a cannibal were to attend a political convention, would it be as a del-leg-ate?
14. Eat, Drink and Be Merry: Do cannibals toast each other with "Eat, Drink and be Mary?"
15. Everyone's Eaten: When do cannibals leave the table? When everyone's eaten.
16. Fed Up: You can feel safe around an annoyed cannibal because he's already fed up.
17. Finger Food: I suspect that cannibals have different ideas about finger food than we do.
18. Full of Himself: An egotistical cannibal is full of himself.
19. Garden of Eden: If a good cannibal dies, does s/he go to the Garden of Eaten?
20. Glad He Ate Her: Are cannibals who like extreme sports gladiators?
21. Good Taste: Cannibals only eat fully-dressed fashion designers because of their great taste in clothes.
22. Got Your Back: If a cannibal says he's got your back, would you feel reassured?
23. Hail Mary: Does the phrase "Hail Mary full of Grace" take on extra meaning in cannibal country?
24. Hand (of Cards): When cannibals play cards, they deal hands.
25. Hand-Off: When playing football with cannibals, be wary of any play that involves hand-offs.
26. Handout: Do cannibals on welfare want hand-outs?
27. Hannibal Lecter: Do cannibals deliver lectures from a Hannibal Lectern?
28. Head Them Off at the Pass: Would "Head them off at the pass!" mean something different in a cannibal Western movie?
29. Heartwarming: Do cannibals think that "The History of the Microwave" is a heartwarming story?
30. I'm Good: Be careful with your grammar in cannibal country. When asked how you are feeling, say "I'm fine", and not "I'm good".
31. Leg Up: The competitive cannibal is said to have a leg up on the competition.
32. Lend a Hand: Cannibals are good friends. They're always ready to lend a hand when you need help.
33. Lip [disrespect]: Don't sass cannibals. They don't take lip from anybody.
34. Make Something of Yourself: A cannibal went to chef school so she could make something of herself.
35. Me and You: Who's on the menu at the Cannibal Restaurant? Me-n-u.
36. Meet: Cannibals are very friendly. They like to meat people.
37. Passed [bowel movement]: A cannibal passed his brother in the woods.
38. Plate [baseball]: Cannibals and baseball make an interesting mix. You never know who'll wind up on home plate!
39. Roast: When a cannibal's life is celebrated with comedy, is s/he being roasted?
40. Saucy: It isn't a good idea to be saucy while in cannibal country.
41. Taken Aback: If a kleptomaniac cannibal gets surprised, does that mean he's taken aback?
42. Taste Funny [strange]: Would a clown taste funny to a cannibal?
43. Taste of: When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
44. Tasteless: Cannibals won't eat [name of comedian] because of his/her tasteless jokes.
45. Throw up Your Hands: Did you hear about the cannibal who threw up his hands in frustration?
46. To Have Guts: Is a courageous cannibal said to have guts?
47. Tofu: We have tofu. In cannibal country, they have toefood.
48. You Can't Keep a Good Man Down: A tribe of cannibals caught a saint sent to them as a missionary and ate him. He was very tender and tasty, yet they were all violently sick afterwards. It shows that you can't keep a good man down.
49. You Have a Friend in Me: Would the Toy Story song "You Have a Friend in Me" be different if it were sung by cannibals?

Elephant

1. Elephant Light: How do you make an elephant light? Have him hold a light bulb with his trunk and plug his tail into the electric socket.
2. Irrelevant: What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? Irrelephant.
3. Trump it: Never play cards with an elephant. If you lead an ace, he'll want to trumpet.
4. Two Left Feet: Why is it so hard to teach elephants to dance? They have two left feet.

Hot Cross Puns

1. Alarm Clock: What do you get when you cross a chicken with a bell? An alarm cluck.
2. Babe Ruth: What do you get when you cross a tree with a baseball player? Babe Root.
3. Bambi: What do you get when you cross a fawn with a hornet? Bambee.
4. Billiard Ball: What do you get when you cross Telly Sevalas with a pool table? A billiard bald.
5. Brick Layer: What do you get when you cross a chicken with a cement truck? A brick layer.
6. Cauliflower: What do you get when you cross a dog with a daisy? A collie-flower.
7. Coca-Cola: What do you get when you cross a soft drink with a car? Coca-Corolla.
8. Copper Wire: What do you get when you cross a policeman with a telegram? Copper wire.
9. Cross (1): What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic? Half way.
10. Daffodil: What do you get when you cross a flower with a pickle? A daffodill.
11. Drive-In Theatre: What do you get when you cross a movie with a swimming pool? A dive-in theater.
12. Frostbite: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
13. Geronimo: What do you get when you cross an Indian with a cow? Geronimoo.
14. Hair Net: What do you get when you cross a spider with a rabbit? A hare net.
15. Hell if I know: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros? Elephino!
16. His and Hers: When a make snake charmer married a female mortician, their bath towels read Hiss and Hearse.
17. Hobo (1): What do you get when you cross the Green Giant with Robin Hood? A Hoe-Bow.
18. Hootenanny: What do you get when you cross an owl with a goat? A hootenanny.
19. Hop Scotch: What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a kilt? Hopscotch.
20. Humdinger: What do you get when you cross a hummingbird with a doorbell? A humdinger.
21. Let 'Er Rip: What do you get when you cross alphabet soup with a laxative? Letter Rip.
22. Melancholy Baby: What do you get when you cross a dog with a cantaloupe? A melon-collie baby. (d)
23. Mynah Bird: What do you get when you cross a canary with a mole? A miner bird.
24. Nip and Tuck: What do you get when you cross a tuxedo rental shop with a plastic surgery clinic? A store called called "Nips and Tux".
25. Pink Slip [for getting fired]: What do you get when you cross a banana with a red silk dress? A pink slip.
26. Poached Eggs: What do you get when you cross a dog with a chicken? A hen that lays pooched eggs.
27. Polar Bear: What do you get when you cross an Eskimo with a pig? A polar boar.
28. Porcupine: What do you get when you cross a pig with a cactus? A porkerpine.
29. Pork Chops: What do you get when you cross a ham with a karate expert? Pork chops.
30. Scavenger Hunt: What do you get when you cross a vulture with a small grass house? A scavenger hut.
31. Sour Puss: What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A sourpuss.
32. Stool Pigeon: What do you get when you cross a dove with a high chair? A stool pigeon.
33. Swimming Trunks: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a fish? Swimming trunks.
34. Walkie-Talkie: What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede? A walkie-talkie.
35. Woolly Jumper [sweater]: What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with a sheep? A woolly jumper.

Jokes

1. A Bomb in a Bull: What do you call it when a bull eats a bomb? Abominable!
2. A Dress: What does a house wear? Address.
3. A Jar: When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.
4. A Light: When does a bird become a light bulb? When it alights on a branch.
5. A Parent: When does a joke become a "dad" joke? When it becomes apparent.
6. A Salt Water: What's the most aggressive type of fish? Assault water fish.
7. A Tire: What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a tricycle? Attire!
8. A Wagon: When can a dog be used to move stuff around? When its tail is a-waggin'.
9. Achoo [sneeze]: What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe.
10. Adele [singer]: Did you know that my computer sings? It's a Dell.
11. All Over the Web: Have you seen the picture of Spiderman getting blown up? It's all over the Web.
12. All right: Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's all right now.
13. Alley: What kind of cats like to go bowling? Alley cats.
14. Allowed: Why isn't whispering permitted in class? Because it's not aloud.
15. Alone: What kind of time isn't free? A loan time.
16. Ambassa Door: What's the best way to get into an embassy? Through the ambassador!
17. Anakin Skywalker: Who wears the Darth Vader costume in the stores? Manikin Skywalker.
18. Archives: Where did Noah keep his bees? In the ark hives.
19. Area 51: What do aliens sing in operas? Aria 51.
20. Around: Balls have got to be one of the oldest toys. They've been around for a long time.
21. Ass Ass: What has two butts and kills people? An assassin.
22. Assist Her: How do you help your female sibling? A sister.
23. Attract Her: How do you get a country girl's attention? A tractor.
24. Aussie [Australian] Food: What do you call Australian fish? Aussie food.
25. Avenue: When is a street like a meeting place? When it's a venue.
26. Avocado: What do you get when you cross a fruit with an extinct bird? An avocadodo.
27. Away For: Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long.
28. Baby Buggy: What is a newly hatched beetle? A baby buggy.
29. Bagel: If a seagull flies over the sea, what flies over the bay? A bagel.
30. Baking: Why did the pig quit sunbathing? He was bacon in the heat.
31. Banks: Why are rivers always rich? Because they have two banks.
32. Barbecue: What do you call a group of men waiting in line for a haircut? A barberqueue.
33. Barber: Where do sheep get sheared? At the baa-baa shop.
34. Bark: How can you tell it's a dogwood tree? By its bark, which is worse than its bite.
35. Bats: Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game? Their bats flew away.
36. Beef Jerky: What do you call a cow with a bad twitch? Beef jerky.
37. Big Metal Fan: What did one wind turbine say to the other? "I don't know your taste in music, but I'm a big metal fan."
38. Bill: What did the duck say when she bought lipstick? "Put it on my bill."
39. Blasphemers: What do you call two leg bones that deny the existence of God? Blasfemurs.
40. Blue: What colour was the wind? Blew.
41. Bolder: Did you hear about the shy pebble? It wanted to be a little boulder.
42. Booby [breast]: How do you catch a bra? With a booby trap.
43. Bugs: What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny.
44. Bugs: Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
45. Bugs [computer]: Why do programmers hate nature? It has too many bugs.
46. Buoyant: How can you tell if an ant is male or female? Drop it in water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats, it's a boy ant.
47. Butter Fly: Why did Silly Billy throw butter out a window? He wanted to see a butterfly.
48. C4 (explosive): If A is for Apple and B is for Banana then what is C for? A Plastic Explosive.
49. Camera: With what does Godzilla take photographs? A Gammera.
50. Canoed: If you were to disrobe while in a canoe, would you be ca-nude?
51. Canoodle: If you were to bring pasta into a canoe, would that be for canoodling?
52. Card: What did the fisherman say to the magician? Pick a cod, any cod.
53. Cast: Why do people in a play say "Break a leg"? Because they're part of a cast.
54. Catalog: How does a farmer shop for new cows? With a cattleog.
55. Cell: What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
56. Centre: For the Halloween party, I dressed as a half-man, half-horse so that I would be the centaur of attention.
57. Centrifuge: What is a centrifuge? A place where people hide from a bad smell.
58. Change: Why did the traffic light turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
59. Chewy [Chewbacca]: "Dad, what's for dinner?" "Wookiee steaks." "Are they good?" "Well, they are a little Chewy."
60. Children: What do snowmen call their kids? Chill-dren.
61. Choo Choo: What kind of train eats too much? A chew-chew train.
62. Christian Bail: What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.
63. Christmas Eve: What did Adam say on December 24th? "It's Christmas, Eve!"
64. Cinnamon Roll: What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast? A synonym roll.
65. Class: Guidance Counselor: What classes are you struggling with? Student: Bourgeoisie 101. I can't get decent Marx in it.
66. Classified: "Can you tell me about your advertisement?" "Sorry, it's classified."
67. Close It: What do you do to an open wardrobe? You closet.
68. Cocktail: What's a rooster's favourite alcoholic drink? A cocktail.
69. Collecting Dust: Why did the man sell his vacuum cleaner? Because it was just collecting dust.
70. Common Sense: Why are piggy banks so wise? Because they are filled with common cents.
71. Conan the Barbarian: Once there was a girl named Anne who buried a bar of soap every time she got an ice cream cone. She was called Cone-Anne the Bar-Bury-Anne.
72. Condescending: What do you call a snobby criminal going downstairs? A condescending con descending.
73. Conditioning: How did Pavlov keep his hair so nice? He conditioned it.
74. Conduct: Why does lightning shock people? Because it doesn't know how to conduct itself.
75. Consecutive Sentences: What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws? It was given two consecutive sentences.
76. Crack: What did the painter say to the wall? "One more crack and I'll plaster you!"
77. Crack: What is the preferred mind-altering substance of trades people? Plumber's crack.
78. Crack Up: Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? Because it might crack up.
79. Croc(odile): What's the best way to cook an alligator? In a crock pot.
80. Crocodile: What do you call a thieving alligator? A crook-odile.
81. Currants: Where does a jellyfish get its jelly? From ocean currents.
82. Dada: What does a baby computer call its father? "Data!"
83. Daily Bread: Deli shops buy bread from a bakery called the Deli Bread.
84. Dalai Lama: What is the most famous Buddhist sandwich shop? The Deli Lama.
85. Damn (1): What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? "Dam!"
86. Dancing: What's even better than Ted Danson? Ted singing and Danson.
87. Darth Mall: Where do Sith Lords do their shopping? The Darth Maul.
88. Database: Where do I store all my Dad jokes? In a Dadabase.
89. Dehydrated: When does Dr. Jekyll get thirsty? When he's de-Hyde-rated.
90. Devil: What kind of eggs do evil chickens lay? Deviled eggs.
91. Die a Log: A lumberjack went into a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted "Wait! I'm a talking tree!" The lumberjack grinned and replied "And you will dialogue."
92. Diplomatic Immunity: Why do ambassadors never get sick? Diplomatic immunity.
93. Disbarred: What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon? He was disbarred.
94. Dizzy Spell: What happens when you spin around while playing Scrabble? You get dizzy spells.
95. Doc(tor): Where do you take your boat when it gets sick? The boat dock.
96. Docked: If you make the wrong decision bringing your ship into port, your salary will be docked.
97. Double-07 [James Bond's ID]: What do you call James Bond taking a bath? Bubble 07.
98. Down (1): What grows up while growing down? A goose.
99. Draw Blood: Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.
100. Dries: What gets wet the more it dries? A towel.
101. Drill: What rank does a dentist in the army hold? A drill sergeant.
102. Dumbledore: How do you find the gym at Hogwarts? You look for the dumbbell door.
103. Dummies: Which book did the ventriloquist read to train himself? Ventriloquism for Dummies.
104. Elementary: What kind of school is Sherlock Holmes Public School? Elementary, my dear Watson.
105. Extra Terrestrials: What’s it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials.
106. Fans: How so celebrities remain cool? They have lots of fans.
107. Fast: What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing. They fast.
108. Fast Asleep: Why could the runner only win races while snoozing soundly? Because she was only fast asleep.
109. Fatigues: What are tired Army clothes? Fatigues.
110. Feelings: Be kind to your dentist. S/he has fillings too.
111. Feet: How do you measure the length of a snake? In inches, since they don't have feet.
112. Figment: What kind of candy should remain in your imagination? A fig mint.
113. Fired: How did the human cannonball lose his job? He got fired.
114. Fish and Chips: What do sea monsters eat for lunch? Fish and ships.
115. Fish and Chips: What do nuclear scientists like to eat? Fission chips.
116. Flies (1): What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.
117. Flood: With what did Noah illuminate the Ark? Flood lights.
118. Flu: What's a chimney sweep's most common ailment? The flue.
119. Flush [poker hand]: Why are toilets so good at poker? They always get a flush.
120. Forgery: What's the similarity between a blacksmith and a counterfeiter? They're into forgery.
121. Fortune Teller: What do you call an overweight psychic? A four-chin teller.
122. Fourth: How many golfers does it take to change a light bulb? Fore!
123. Framed: Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
124. Frontier: How many ears do Star Trek fans have? Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
125. Frostbite: Why did the snowman call his dog Frost? Because Frost bites.
126. Gallup Poll: How can one do a survey of jockeys? With a Gallop Poll.
127. General Grant: I once won a scholarship by writing about the 18th American President. It wasn't much, just a general grant.
128. Get Over It: How do you overcome a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.
129. Going Out: What does one candle say to the other? "You going out tonight?"
130. Gone with the Wind: A company that makes really large wind chimes could be called "Gong with the Wind".
131. Got: What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar on New Year's Eve? He got 12 months.
132. Grand: When does a Dad joke cost $1000? When it's a Granddad joke.
133. Greg or Ian: Monday: Greg. Tuesday: Ian. Wednesday: Greg. Thursday: Ian. This is a Gregorian calendar.
134. Grisly: How about the bear that was hit by an 18-wheeler and splattered all over the place? They said it was a grizzly accident.
135. Ground: What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
136. Ground-Breaking: What was the most ground-breaking invention? A shovel.
137. Hardened Criminal: What do you get when you pour cement on a burglar? A hardened criminal.
138. Head Them Off at the Pass: Why did the French executioner in the Wild West set up his guillotine in the mountains? So he could head them off at the pass.
139. Heir: What's the difference between Prince William and a tennis ball? Prince William is the heir to the throne, and a tennis ball is thrown in the air.
140. Hell: How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
141. Hello: How do you greet bread? Say "Helloaf".
142. Hello: How do angels greet each other? They say "Halo there!"
143. Hick Cups: What do hillbillies drink from? Hiccups.
144. His Panic: Why did the Mexican take anxiety medication? To help deal with Hispanic attacks.
145. Honeycomb: Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honey comb.
146. Horns: Why do cows wear cowbells? Because their horns don't work.
147. Horse (1): What do you call a veterinarian with laryngitis? A hoarse doctor.
148. Horsepower: What is the basic unit of measurement for laryngitis? One hoarsepower.
149. Hot Cross Buns: What do you get when you drop boiling water down a rabbit hole? Hot cross bunnies.
150. Huge Nose: What's similar between Cyrano de Bergerac and French Protestants? The French Protestants are Huguenots, and Cyrano had a huge nose.
151. Hullabaloo: What is the noisiest colour? Hulla-blue.
152. Hurts a Lot [ursa = bear]: What did the man say after he was swatted by a bear? "It ursa lot."
153. I See Dead People: What do the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common? Icy dead people.
154. I Sing: What part of a cake reminds one of a karaoke bar? The icing.
155. Iceberg: How do you think the unthinkable? With an itheberg.
156. I'm Eighty: What did the pirate say when he turned 80? "Aye Matey!"
157. Impostor: What do you call a strand of spaghetti in a bowl of linguini? An impasta.
158. In Sync: Why do people who are washing dishes work so well together? Because they are in sink with each other.
159. Infidel: Which brand of computer is least favoured by ISIS? The Infi-Dell.
160. Innocent: Which American president was the least guilty? Abraham Lincoln. He's in a cent.
161. Inside Joke: What's the best kind of joke to tell during isolation? An inside joke.
162. Investigator: What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator!
163. Investments: How are a priest and a financial advisor similar? A financial advisor works with investments, while a priest works in vestments. And both pray to their chosen Deity that they're doing it right...
164. Irrelevant: What's big and gray and doesn't matter? Irrelephant.
165. Jam: Speaking of making preserves, I tried making door jamb once, but it wasn't very good. People kept slamming it.
166. Jam: When is a gun like a sandwich? When it is jammed.
167. Jump Higher: Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course. Houses can't jump.
168. Kermit the Frog: Which Muppet was the Whiskey King? Kermit Laphroaig.
169. Kit: How do you assemble a fox? Well, you start with a kit…
170. Knotsies: How did Hitler tie his laces? In little Nazis.
171. Kootchie: How do you tickle a rich girl? Say "Gucci Gucci Gucci!"
172. Lack Toes: Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose.
173. Landslide: What do you call a flock of sheep tumbling down a hill? A lambslide.
174. Law Suits: What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits.
175. Least Spoken: What's the least spoken language? Sign language.
176. Leviathan: How can skinny jeans also be huge? If they're Levi-a-thins.
177. Lies: How does a politician / lawyer sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other side.
178. Light Sleeper: Why did the little fella sleep on the chandelier? Because he was a light sleeper.
179. Lighter [that ignites something]: What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? The hippo is heavy and the Zippo is a little lighter.
180. Loafer: What kind of shoes do lazy people prefer? Loafers.
181. Loco Motives: Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had locomotives.
182. Logger: What is the preferred beer of lumberjacks? Lager.
183. Lost at Sea: Why can't pirates recite the alphabet? They get lost at C.
184. Low: Why are there no floods in Paris? Because the water is always l'eau.
185. Make [a bed]: Have you heard the joke about the bed? No? That's because it hasn't been made yet.
186. Man Ager: What make a man age? A manager.
187. Many Levels: Why are elevator jokes always so good? Because they work on many levels.
188. March Forth: What day of the year is a command to go forward? March 4th.
189. Maroon [colour]: What happened when a purple ship collided with a rusty red ship? The survivors were marooned.
190. Matter: With what are anti-racism marches constructed? Black lives matter.
191. Mislaid: Why couldn't the chicken find her eggs? Because she mislaid them.
192. Motorbike: What cruises down the riverbed at 60 mph? A motorpike with two side carps.
193. Mow Them: How should we deal with the electronic dandelions? Modem.
194. Much Room: How much room does a fungus need to grow? As mushroom as possible.
195. Mug: What did the coffee pot report to the police? A mugging.
196. Nails: What do nervous carpenters do? They bite their nails.
197. Narcissist: What do you call a Viking that is full of himself? A Norse-icisst.
198. Nervous Wreck: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
199. Neverland: Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he never lands.
200. Nights: Why was King Arther always tired? All those sleepless knights.
201. No Bell: Knock-knock. Who's there? Nobel. Noble who? Nobel, so I knock-knocked.
202. No Body Nose: What do you call a person with no body and a nose? Nobody knows!
203. None Work: Why is it so hard to tell jokes about retired people? None of them work.
204. Novel: Why is Covid-19 called "Novel corona virus"? It's a long story.
205. Ointment & Treatment: What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? One requires tweetment, the other requires oinkment.
206. OK: Did you hear about the man who was cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
207. Omlette: What did the egg say when it was set on fire? "Om lit!"
208. On Bikes: A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. I told her "That's impossible. My dogs don't own bikes."
209. Open Windows: Why do astronauts' computers use the Linux operating system? You can't open Windows in space.
210. Pair of Dice: What is the gambler's heaven? Paradise.
211. Paramedics: Why did the EMTs travel in sets of two? They wanted to be pair-a-medics.
212. Parasites: What's similar between a tick and the Eiffel Tower? One is a parasite, the other is a Paris site.
213. Past Your Eyes: Why is milk the fastest liquid on earth? Because it's pasteurized before you see it.
214. Patience: Why do doctors tend to be calm? Because they have lots of patients.
215. Pea Soup: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
216. Pee is Silent: Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the "P" is silent.
217. Pew or Pee-Yew: What happens when you fart in church? You have to sit in your own pew.
218. Pig's Tie: Where does one go to get neckwear that looks like bacon? A pigsty!
219. Pikachu: How do Pokémon sneeze? They say Pikachoo!
220. Pirate: What do you call 3.14 rats? One pirate.
221. Plaster: What did the painter say to the wall? "One more crack and I'll plaster you!"
222. Playing: Why did Willie Nelson get hit by a car? He was playing On The Road Again.
223. Pole Vault: Where do track and field athletes keep their valuables? In a pole vault.
224. Pot Calls the Kettle Black: Why did the cows return to the marijuana field? It was the pot calling the cattle back.
225. Pretty Light: How much does a rainbow weigh? Not much. It's pretty light.
226. Prison: Where do bad rainbows go? Prism. It's a light sentence.
227. Psoriasis: What's the link between a skin condition and eye drops? The skin condition is psoriasis and eye drops are a sore eye assist.
228. Psychopath: How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
229. Pumpkin Pie: What do you get when you divide the diameter of a jack-o-lantern by its circumference? Pumpkin Pi.
230. Railway Station: Where are whales weighed? At a whale weigh station.
231. Receding Hairline: What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards? A receding hare line.
232. Reception: Two antennae fell in love and got married. The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
233. Reese Witherspoon: Which celebrity is always ready for cereal? Reese, with her spoon.
234. Remains: Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
235. Repossessed: What happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his exorcist? He was repossessed.
236. Reservations: Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
237. Re-Tail: Where is the best place to buy Pin-the-Tail-on-the-Donkey party games? A retail store.
238. Revolutionary: Why do rebels like revolving doors? Because they're revolutionary.
239. Robot: What do you call an unhappy android? A woe-bot.
240. Rock Group: What rock group has four men that don’t sing? Mount Rushmore.
241. Rocket Launcher: In what does an artillery officer like to sit when in the garden? A rocket lawn chair.
242. Room: Why couldn’t the dead car drive into the cluttered garage? Lack of vroom.
243. Sat In: What fabric should pants be made from? Satin.
244. Satis-Factory: Where are averages made? In the satisfactory.
245. Scoop: Why did the reporter interview a tub of ice cream? She was looking for the next big scoop.
246. Second Hand: Where did Captain Hook buy his hook? From the second-hand store.
247. Second-Hand: Where does a clock maker buy spare parts? From the second-hand store.
248. See: Why is dark spelled with a K and not a C? Because you can't see in the dark.
249. See Well: Why did the old man fall in the well? He couldn't see that well.
250. Serial killer: What do you call a person who puts poison in a person's corn flakes? A cereal killer.
251. Seven Up: My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store. I realized when I got home that I had picked 7 up.
252. Sex Offender: Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was a well known six offender.
253. Shadow: What did the French groundhog see on February 2nd? His chateau.
254. Shots Ring Out: Whenever a customer asked a bartender for a shooter, he rang a bell. When asked why, he said "And suddenly, a shot rang out."
255. Soft: Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
256. Spelling Bee: What's more amazing than a talking dog? A spelling bee!
257. Spoiled: What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
258. Spots: How can a leopard change his spots? By moving.
259. Spotted: Why does Waldo wear stripes? He doesn't want to be spotted.
260. Spotted: Leopards are seldom seen, but usually spotted.
261. Spread: Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it.
262. Spring: What's a three-season bed? One without a spring.
263. Spring: How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.
264. St. Francis of Assisi: Who is the patron saint of copying people on emails? St. Francis of A CC.
265. St. Francis of Assisi: Who is the patron saint of weaklings? St. Francis of A Sissy.
266. Stakes: What’s it called when you put a cow in an elevator? Raising the steaks.
267. Still and Shot [alcohol]: What does a photographer say to a twitchy moonshiner? "Hold still while I take this shot!"
268. Storeys: What's the tallest building in the world? A library, because it has the most stories.
269. Stream: What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.
270. Strident: Which brand of gum is loud and annoying? S-trident.
271. Succeed: What superlative did Robert E Lee win at high school? Most likely to secede.
272. Sure He Can: Can David cause mischief with Japanese throwing knives? Shuriken.
273. Tae Kwon-do: What do martial artists use to make bread? Tae Kwan-dough.
274. Take Personally: Why was the burglar so sensitive? He took things personally.
275. Take The Words Out [expression]: How do you stop a dog from eating your books? Take the words out of his mouth.
276. Taliban: Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan? Because of the tally ban.
277. Tap: What do you give a person with water on the brain? A tap on the head.
278. Tears: I went to a really emotional wedding the other day. Even the cake was in tiers.
279. Thesaurus: What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
280. Thrown: What happens to deposed kings? They get throne away.
281. To Wales: How do you get two whales in a car? Start in England and drive west.
282. Toasty Toes: Which brand of chips keeps your feet warm? Tostitoes!
283. Too Scared: Why is 4 afraid of 5? Because it's 2².
284. Too Tense: Why did the fraction 1/5 go to the masseur? Because it was two tenths.
285. Too Tense: Why did 1/5 get a massage? Because it was two tenths.
286. Toothpicks: What do dentists call their X-rays? Tooth pics.
287. Towed: What happens to illegally parked frogs? They get toad away.
288. Trained: Why do railway cars travel in straight lines? That is what they are trained to do.
289. Turn Out the Light: I want to found a company that makes light switches and call it Turnout. I want it to be so successful that Deloitte will buy me out so that I can call it Turnout-Deloitte.
290. Turn Pike: What kind of road makes a good shield during a medieval re-enactment battle? A turnpike.
291. Type O Negative: What's an editor's blood type? Typo negative.
292. Undercover: What does a spy do when he gets cold? She goes undercover.
293. Up in the Air: Why are meteorologists always nervous? Their future is always up in the air.
294. Venetian Blind: How do you make a Venetian blind? Poke him in the eyes.
295. Wash Up: Why don't pirates bathe before walking the plank? Because they wash up on shore.
296. Waste: Why are fitness instructors like garbage collectors? They do waist management.
297. Wave: What did the ocean say to the boat? Nothing, it just waved.
298. Weakened: I woke up on Saturday morning feeling listless, unmotivated and barely able to get out of bed. I was in a weekend condition.
299. Well-Balanced: Why did the lion eat the tightrope walker? He wanted a well-balanced meal!
300. Whole: Why did Silly Billy quit his job in the doughnut factory? He was tired of the hole business.
301. Wishy-Washy: I rubbed a bottle of bath salts, and a genie appeared. "You may have either the best bath ever or the best shower ever. Choose!" He said. "Uhh… uhh…" I said, confused. "Don't be wishee-washee!" said the genie.
302. Wolf: What is the opposite of a wolf in sheep's clothing? A sheep in woolf's clothing.
303. Work Out: Why don't more couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.