Pun Dictionary: Class Category

One-Liners

(A) Cruel: I wanted my accountant to record my business on a cash basis, but he refused, saying that it's accrual world.
A Dictionary: Heroin, cocaine, morphine, crystal meth and more definitions can be found in your addictionary!
A King: A person in pain is like a monarch - aching all over!
A Peel: Do nude banana jokes lack appeal?
A Real: My font joke was Arial stinker.
A Roamer: My traveling stinks because I am aroma.
A Trophy: The person who wastes away the most will win atrophy.
A Wake: So, if the after-party's for a guy who's permanently asleep, why is it called awake?
Acceleration: People who peddle ibuprofen and Tylenol keep moving faster because they're into ache-seleration.
Advice: Someone suggested that I put advertisements on my clamps, but I thought that was bad advice.
Affirmative: Nodding your head is an example of affirmative action.
Algorithm: A Vice-President playing the bongos is mathematical because he's an Al Gore Rhythm.
All the Wrong Places: Star Wars burlesque has me looking for love in Alderaan places.
Allergies: Wouldn't it be better if we could ah-choose some ergies instead of allergies?
Aloha: Laughing out loud is forbidden in Hawaii because it's a low ha state.
Alone: Borrowed money is always by itself because it’s a loan.
Angry: The colour of rage is angreen.
Anorexia: A pullover coat will make you thinner because it gives you anorak-sia.
Antibodies: Ants don't get sick because they have anty bodies.
Anxiety: Studying hieroglyphics is worrisome and leads to much ankhziety.
Any Longer: The company that makes yardsticks isn't going to make them any longer.
Aphrodite: If the Greek goddess of love had had big, poofy hair, would she have been called Afrodite?
Applaud: When praising a computer program, I app-laud it.
Applause: The Rules for Clapping are called Applaws.
Apply: When I want to work hard, I hold an apple to my eye so I can apple-eye myself.
Apply: I wonder if ballet dancers have to a-plié to join a company, or just audition.
Arachnid: A Baghdad spider is an Iraqnid.
Architect: Noah was an engineer and an ark-itect.
Architect: People who design dog houses are barkitects.
Are: I wonder if young pirates in love say, "I love you just the way you arrrr."?
Ask It: A mortician teacher might say "If you have a question, just casket!"
Aspire: I strive to be a church steeple because its a spire.
Ass Tear: A move that causes the seat of your pants to rip as you tap-dance is called the Astaire.
Asshole: Wishing wells are rude because they're a bunch of ask-holes.
At Ground Level: The problem that seniors have with gardening is that it's at ground level.^MS
Atmosphere: Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? The food is great, but it has no atmosphere.
Aunt Eater: Never give your uncle an anteater.
Bag Here: The location of a plastic bag recycling station can be marked by a character from The Jungle Books: Bagheera.
Bail: I named my plane "Enola Hay", but when I got into trouble, I had to bale out.
Bail: I got arrested for stealing hay, but got out of jail after posting bale.
Bail Out [of a plane]: I wonder if it's wise to refer to financial aid for skydiving schools as a "bailout".
Bait: When fish swim in schools, they sometimes take debate.
Balance: I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Balance: Does a company that manufactures scales have to maintain a balance sheet?
Balder: Was Baldur the ancient Norse god of hair loss?
Balderdash: If I spouted nonsense about foot races of the Norse gods, would you call it Baldurdash?
Bangs (Hair Style): Do people who work in fireworks factories wear their hair in bangs?
Banquet: To celebrate the grand re-opening of the First National Bank after the flood, they held a bank-wet.
Barbarian: An uncivilized hair stylist could be called a barberian.
Barbels: A ladies' glee club that performs in the lounges of fitness clubs could be called the Bar-Belles.
Bare Minimum: Is a midget mother in a bikini wearing the bare mini-mum required by decency?
Baron Net: Is the best way to catch a British Peer with a baronet?
Bartender: A termite walks into a bar and asks "Is the bar tender here?"
Bassinet: The best thing with which to catch fish is a baby's bed: a bassinet.
Bawdy House: A funeral director got busted on a prostitution-related charge - running a common body house.
Believe: The apiarist left his job, if you can bee leave it.
Belt and Suspenders: On May 1, I like to be extra cautious and wear suspenders as well as my belt, because I'm a Beltane suspenders guy.
Berated: Why do all of my hat jokes get beret-ed?
Billed: For my assembly services, you will be build.
Birthday: When a ship comes into port, it gets a little older because it's a berthday.
Blockhead: Is a numbskull who likes Lego a blockhead?
Blow Out: Would you buy a whoopee cushion from a blow-out sale?
Blow Out: Would you buy bubble solution from a blow-out sale?
Blow Out: Think of the effort I could save by buying birthday candles at a blow-out sale.
Blue Toe: It was when Popeye's nemesis walked barefoot through a tray of indigo dye that he became known as Bluto.
Boarding: My kid didn't know how to get on an airplane, so we sent him to boarding school.
Body: Off-colour jokes are, for morticians, bawdy humour.
Body Building: Dr. Frankenstein was a fitness buff, and was really into body building.
Bohemian Rhapsody: If I were to open a sandwich shop with a Queen (the rock group) theme, could I call it Bohemian Wrapsody?
Boing: When airplane manufacturers are on pogo sticks, they say "Boeing, Boeing, Boeing!"
Boing: When a trampoline team flies to its engagements, its plane of choice is a Boeing.
Boom (Of a Sailboat): Do sailors who work in fireworks factories avoid the boom while drinking pop?
Boomer: Should baby boomers be allowed to run fireworks factories?
Boot: Do cobblers have to go to boot camp after enlisting in the armed forces?
Bouncer: Nobody gets rowdy at the Trampoline Tavern because they have lots of bouncers.
Boutique: A fancy little shop specializing in marine supplies is a boatique.
Boutique: A good place to shop for fancy footwear is a bootique.
Bow Tie: While on board a ship, I wear a boat-tie.
Break In: Preparing new shoes for use is like being a burglar, since you have to break them in.
Break Into: Musical theatre is a great place for burglars. People are always breaking into song.
Breaking News: New info on the Monarch of the Donkeys is bray king news.
Britney Spears: Western France was known for its singing pikemen, the Brittany Spears.
Broadloom: If my carpet gets heavily soiled, should I call it broadloam?
Broker: They're called stock brokers because you're seldom richer after you deal with them.
Brouhaha: If beer had bubbles of nitrous oxide, it would be noisy in a funny way because it would be a brewhaha.
Bug [illness]: I told my doctor that I am hearing buzzing in my ears, but he said it's just a bug going around.
Burnout: Do overstressed firefighters suffer from burnout?
Bust [women's]: I predict that the movie I'm making about building a bra out of Lego will be a blockbuster.
Cabaret: Cab[0], cab[1], … , cab[n] is very entertaining because it's a cab array.
Called to the Bar: The places where lawyers join their professional association should be saloons, since it's where they're called to the bar.
Canna Pay: Free party snacks are provided for those who canapé.
Capitalize: I am very good at starting sentences, but I don't like to capitalize on it.
Caps: The correct way to spell "hats" is HATS because it's all caps.
Capsized: When you flip a boat over in the water, you can fit it on your head because it is cap-sized.
Carpet: If you take your dog for a drive, it will turn into a rug because it's a carpet.
Carrier [Letter]: The doctor asked me if I had symptoms of Mailman's Disease and I told him "No, I'm just a carrier."
Cartoons: I always get animated when I listen to musical pieces in the car, because they're car-tunes.
Cashmere: Shops that sell fine woolens are good at turning mere cash into cashmere. Especially in Kashmir.
Casualty: People in the armed forces prefer formal tea over casual tea.
Cat on a Hot Tin Roof: The first draft of Tennessee Williams' play about a dysfunctional family featured a squabble over a Japanese sword and was called "Katana Hot Tin Roof".
Caved: My friends kept pressuring me to go spelunking, so I finally caved.
Centrifuge: A perfume-free merry-go-round is a scent-refuge.
Chance: I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk, but I never got the chants.
Charge: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free. But the bull charges.
Check [chess term]: My career as a chess grandmaster was kept in check by my incompetence.
Chevrolet: The car that cures heartburn is a Chevrolaid.
Chimpanzee: The flower preferred by Jane Goodall is the chimp pansy.
Circulation: The magazine about ceiling fans went out of business due to low circulation.
Classless: You are so classless that you could be a Marxist utopia.
Clipper: The favourite ships of barbers and hairstylists are clippers.
Closed: When the strip club isn't open their sign reads 'Sorry, we're clothed'.
Collect Himself [expression]: When the shocked IRS agent was convicted of tax evasion, he had to take time to collect himself.
Comeback: The Boomerang Champ had a mid-season slump, but eventually made a comeback and won again.
Comic Strip: Would a picture of a clown removing his/her clothes be a comic strip?
Communication: If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly, because communication is key.
Concession: When negotiators go to the fair, do they avoid the concession stands?
Contact [lenses]: My phone has to wear glasses ever since it lost its contacts.
Countdown: Do we name an enumeration of feathers a countdown?
Counterfeiters: People who install kitchens are into fake money because they're counter-fitters.
Coupon: If you want to buy chicken housing at a discount, can you use coop-ons?
Course: A series of university lectures on hydrology could be called the "Water Course".
Covered: My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I'm camping, I won't be covered.
Cow Boy: The Minotaur was the first cowboy.
Creeps: Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
Crook: Shepherds could be master criminals, since they work with crooks every day.
Crop: I wonder if farmers crop their photographs?
Cure: Is concrete sick before it's cured?
Cure Rating: Doctors and museums have one thing in common: they are judged on their curating.
Currier and Ives: Paintings of people delivering vegetables would be made by Currier EndIves.
Daguerreotype: Swords and knives could be illustrated in books using dagger-otype.
Dalai: If the chief Buddhist became a surrealist painter, he could be called Salvador Dali Lama.
Darth Vader: Any character on Game of Thrones who runs away from Brienne could be on Star Wars, as a Tarth Evader.
Dead Pan (2): Any humour coming from an undertaker's kitchen would have to be deadpan.
Decree: A First Nations dictatorship would feature rule by deCree.
Defibrillator: Can a chronic liar be cured with a defibrillator?
Déjà Vu: Rewatching the movie Halloween gives me a feeling of déjà boo.
De-Lighted: I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted.^Pun.me
Delivery: Dr Smith, the obstetrician, became known as "Pizza Gal" because of her speedy deliveries.
Demonstration: When attempting to sell new Products for Torment in Hell, one always needs to provide a demon-stration.
Deported: When a ship gets kicked out of a country, it is de-ported.
Depressed: Old tailors don't get wrinkly, they get de-pressed.
Derriere: Cow farts come from the dairy air.
Desperados: Were bandits during the Great Depression called despairados?
Detergents: I hear it's easy to convince ladies to not eat Tide pods, but it's hard to deter gents.
Dill Emma: If Emma found herself in a pickle, would that be a form of dilemma for her?
Dim Sum: Addition in a dark Chinese restaurant is "dim sum".
Disconcerting: Being ejected from an orchestral performance is neither unsettling nor disturbing, it's disconcerting.
Distinctive: Don't talk smack to a skunk because it has a diss-stinktive aroma.
Diverse: People who leap into water head first are a divers bunch.
Do It Yourself: When the scientist wanted to clone a deer, he bought a doe it yourself kit.
Do it Yourself: I could not find a singing partner so I bought a duet-yourself kit.
Don't Know Why: I'm super-friendly with 25 letters of the alphabet, but I don't know why.
Dora the Explorer [kids' TV show]: A kids' TV show about a magical hat that goes on educational journeys could be called "Fedora the Explorer". Its catchphrase could be "You can stay here, I'll go on ahead."
Do-Si-Do [a square dance step]: Getting Covid vaccines out to people is a dose-se-do.
Double-Tap: Assassin dancers prefer to double-tap.
Dracula: If a railway engineer were to become a vampire, would he be called Count Trackula?
Drag-ster: Is a cross-dressing race car driver a dragster?
Draw: A reality TV contest between two cartoonists ended in a draw.
Drawer: Bureaus and dressers are for artists because they're full of drawers.
Drawer: Do artists who sketch store their supplies in drawers?
Drawn Out: Cartoonists' feuds can be really long and drawn-out.
Dream Job: To be a mattress tester is my dream job.
Driving: Are Uber and Lyft driving taxis out of business?
Drop Out: Do skydiving schools have a lot of dropouts during the Fall semester?
Drunk On: "Did you know that you can get as drunk on water as you can on land?" - W.C. Fields
Duplicate: Kate named her clone Dupli Kate.
Dye 'Em: When we want to change the colour of coins, do we dime?
Each Other: Cows lie down in the rain to keep each udder dry.^Pun.me
Earldom: If the British government were to hand out online Peerages, would they be urldoms?
Earthquake: Is a person shaking with laughter suffering from a mirthquake?
Eek-Wine: Jockeys drink booze made from frightened grapes: Equine.
Elegant: Do the anorexic supermodels think they're elegaunt?
Elongate: Let's hope that Elon Musk doesn't get involved in a scandal because ElonGate would be really drawn out.
Em-Barking: Dogs are noisy when they're getting on ships because they're embarking.
Employment: "Cannabis Cultivation Technician": a new hemployment.
Empty When Full: When I see a sign on a bin that says "Empty When Full", I always wonder how something can be empty when it's full?
End Table: Any table that kills you is an end table.
Endorphins: Keeping fish can have a calming effect on the brain due to all of the indoor fins.
Epilepsy: Does a high jumper who suffers from seizures have epileapsy?
Equinox: March 21 and September 21 are days when horses don't use doorbells because they're equine-noxes.
Error: Is a lion's mistake an erroar?
Evolve: If Charles Darwin were alive today, would his favourite car be an e-Volvo?
Expectations Raised: Motto of a demolitions company: "Your expectations have been razed."
Exterminator: Pest Control is the best employment option for T-1000s if they live long enough to retire since, at that point, they will be ex-Terminators.
Eye Rate: Some people get upset at high optometrist fees. Others get irate.
Fabrication: All quilts are lies: complete fabrications!
Far Away: Egypt isn't close, it's pharaoh way.
Farewell to Arms, A (Novel): When surgeons are learning about amputations, do they have to read "A Farewell to Arms"?
Fasten: The tenth Fast and Furious movie should be called Fast Ten: Your Seatbelt.
Father Figure: I don't have a 'dad bod', I have a 'father figure'.
Fathom: I’m trying to work out an easy way to convert the 2 metre social distancing rule into imperial measurements, but it’s just a bit more than I can fathom.
Fear: The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.
Fee Fi Fo Fum: I have a fear of giants: Feefiphobia.
Feller (Fellow): He wasn't the best lumberjack, but he was a decent feller.
Fern Ass: The backside of a fern is really hot because it's a furnace.
Figures: My wife and I can't count calories and we have the figures to prove it.
Filet Mignon [1]: If you dine on steak and find yourself a little hoarse afterwards, were you eating filly mignon?
Filet Mignon [2]: If you had steak in the City of Brotherly Love, did you have Philly mignon?
Fist of Fury: A martial arts film involving people in animal costumes could be called Fist of Furry.
Fitting: When a tailor dies, do his friends give him a fitting tribute?
Flamingo: When the 15th letter of the alphabet is on fire, it becomes a bird: a flamingo.
Flexible: Should yoga instructors be prepared to work flexible hours?
Float: Is a person in a life jacket factory who fills in for others called a float?
Floor-ist: If I need to install linoleum with a floral pattern, should I call a florist?
Folded: There was a company that sold paper to origami enthusiasts, but it folded.
Free of Charge: The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
Generally: Civil War jokes are General Lee frowned upon.
Gesticulate: Jokes told in Sign Language are jest-iculations.
Gig [gigabyte]: I started a band called 999 Megabytes - we haven't gotten a gig yet.
Gingerbread: If a redhead works at a bakery, does that make him a ginger bread man?
Glock Spiel: A person making a sales pitch for Glock pistols could use a glockenspiel.
Glowing: If I want to get a job at the nuclear power plant, I will need a glowing reference.
Gnomon: I used a garden gnome as the centrepiece for a sundial, since all sundials need a gnomon them.
Go Out: I once had a cat I named Campfire because he kept going out in the rain.
Goal: A goalie's goal in life is to have no goals.
Godfather: The head of the Fish Mafia is the Codfather.
Gorgeous: Some river valleys are absolutely gorges.
Grainy: I tried taking high-resolution photos of local farmland, but they all turned out really grainy.
Grind: A hand-cranked coffee mill is the perfect gift for people who think work is a grind and a grind is work.
Grown: Some people think that puns are juvenile, but I prefer to think of them as full-groan.
Gust: Does the Wind Giant eat his food with gusto?
Guy Fawkes Day: If you see a fox, name it Guy, so you can have an instant Guy Fawkes Day.
Habit Forming: Making clothes for nuns isn't addictive, but it is habit-forming.
Hair Dos: Do members of the Hairdresser's Union have to pay hair dues?
Hair Transplant: When a rabbit goes to a new owner, it's called a hare transplant.
Hammer Rabbi: I gave a carpentry tool to a Jewish religious leader and got a Babylonian king: Hammurabi.
Handy: Learn sign language; it's very handy.
Happy [Snow White & 7 Dwarfs]: Statistically speaking, six out of seven Dwarves are not Happy.
Harrowing: Living through the accident in the farmer's field was a harrowing experience.
Hash [cannabis]: I wonder if cannabis supporters use hashtags on social media?
Head: Are hair salon chains run by head honchos in head offices and recruit staff using headhunters?
Head Lights: Silly Billy thought that head lice would help him see in the dark.
Heal: The motto of a combination veterinary clinic and dog obedience school could be "Here you come to heel."
Hearing: If a deaf man has time in court, is it still called a hearing?
Hedge: A cautious topiary artist will hedge her bets.
He'll Bop: Muhammad Ali's favourite comet could have been Hale-Bopp (you one).
Hell to Pay: If Satan had a hairpiece, would he call it Hell Toupée?
Her Ring: At a fish wedding there is his ring and herring.
Hereditary: Is it only me who would say that baldness is hair-edit-ary?
Herself: A person wearing a green outfit with pointed ears and driving a hearse will always be female, because she's a hearse-elf.
Hide: Leather armour is the best for sneaking around, since it's made of hide.
High C: Novice sailors make bad singers because they can't hit the high seas.
High Overhead: Running a store that sells hats made from marijuana hemp is expensive because there's high overhead.
High Tide: Laundry detergent made from hemp would be marketed under the brand name "High Tide".
High-Five: Do marijuana supporters cheer a victory with high-fives?
Hitch [get married]: Has something been forgotten when a wedding goes off without a hitch?
Hits: Muhammad Ali could have gone into the recording industry. All his songs would have been hits.
Hogwarts: Do donkeys learn magic at Hee-Hogwarts?
Hold Up: A bank robber, impatient at the slow pace of the delivery of the money, shouts "Hey, what's the holdup?"
Hop-Scotch: Is hop-Scotch a drinking game for frogs and rabbits?
Horse Jumping: Bouncing on a trampoline when you have laryngitis is hoarse jumping.
Hullaballoo: When economists started making a lot of noise about inflation, I called it a hullaballoon.
Humidity: When Hume Cronyn sang a little tune about moisture, was it called a Hume-ditty?
I [Roman numeral for 1]: I, for one, like Roman numerals.
I See You: When people are recovering from eye surgery, do they wake up in the ICU?
I See You: A doctor saw the Invisible Man when she admitted him to the ICU.
Ice Sickles: You can manually harvest winter wheat with icicles.
Ig Glue: In order to fix a broken snow fort, you can use igloo.
Illuminati: Folks who get a bit too rabid about forcing people to change incandescent bulbs to fluorescents are illumi-Nazis.
Im-Peckable: I've got a chicken-proof front lawn. It's impeccable!^Pun.me
In Bread: "If you were any more inbred, you'd be a sandwich!"
In the Pendant: If you put a picture of yourself in a locket, you can say you're independent.
Insolent: Are sassy diabetics insulent?
Integrated: If a circuit is integrated, does that mean its white and non-white components are working together?
Irony: Is irony what you use to combat wrinkly?
Issues: An excellent self-help slogan: Please cancel my subscription to your issues.
It's Not the End of the World: So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world!
It's Wrong: If this dress isn't right for you, it sarong.
Jogged: I had forgotten how to run, but a trainer jogged my memory.
Just Do It: If Nike were to start marketing to singers, would it use the slogan "Just Duet"?
Juvenile: Many Roman poets were mature, but one was Juvenal.
Kamikaze: If a comedian's show goes down in flames, does it get called comic-kaze?
Kick: Daredevils smack a horse's rump not for the thrill, but for kicks.
Kid Napping: There was a kidnapping at school, but don't worry, she woke up.
Killed: Old bedspread makers never die, but they can be quilt.
Kilt: When Scots undress, they also become unbalanced because they're off-kilter.
Kinder [German for children]: No matter how kind you are, German kids are Kinder.
Komodo Dragon: I designed a toilet shaped like a large lizard and called it the Commode-o Dragon.
Lactose Intolerant: I have to eat breakfast with toast because I'm lack-toast intolerant.^Pun.me
Lactose Intolerant: It offends me that lilacs have no feet because I am lilac-toes intolerant.
Laid: How do hens lose their jobs? They get laid off.
Lauding 'em: Some people say my puns are sleep-inducing, but I keep laudanum anyways.
Laughing Stock: If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock.
Laundry: Can you wash grass in the lawndry?
Lawb-sters: If people in the Mob are mobsters, why aren't lawyers called lobsters?
Layered: A style of dressing that makes you resemble a Scottish noble: the Laird Look.
Leap: Do high jumpers perform better in leap years?
Lederhosen: Firefighter Chiefs prefer to wear leader-hosen.
Legendary: The Mythical Cheese is legendairy.
Legends: Stories about my feet are not myths. They're leg-ends.
Lenin: A Soviet-era brand of fabric was called Vladimir Linen.
Levels: Stairs and ladders are fun on so many levels.
Liability: A criminal's best asset is his also his lie ability.^Pun.me
Linguine: If I made a hotdog out of pasta, should it be called a ling-weenie?
Little House on the Prairie: A story about a pony on the pampas could be called "Little Horse on the Prairie".
Locks: Can a woman on a boat in Scotland drop locks of her hair in the locks between lochs, while eating bagels with lox and picking the locks on her door?
Lone Ranger: A bank employee becomes a Western hero when she is the Loan Arranger.
Long Sentence: If the judge loves the sound of his/her voice, expect a long sentence.^Pun.me
Loo Pins: Lupins are what you find on a lavatory's bulletin board.
Look Out Below: "Look out below!" is a lookout bellow when you are standing on a high observation post.
Loose Fur: Can we name shedding pets after the fallen angel Lucifer?
Lost My Case: I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage, but apparently I lost my case.
Lucifer: Pet hair that is lying around the house is devilish because it is Loose Fur.
Lucifer: A devilishly sticky brand of adhesive is Glucifer.
Lunatic: People who go nuts over lighter-than-air travel are balloonatics.
M.C. Hammer: Was the Rapper King of ancient Babylon M.C. Hammurabi?
Make Ends Meet: Electricians have to strip to make ends meet.
Make-Up Test: If students can't write an exam in Beauty School, do they get to write a make-up test?
Mallard: Is duck fat known as mal-lard?
Marathon: Skimpy underwear for those who like to run is called a marathong.
Marquis de Sade: If the president of a lawn care company were a sadist, would his nickname be the Marquis de Sod?
Mass Disruption: The whoopee cushion was confiscated in algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
Mata-Door: Bullfighters enter the arena through the matador.
Material: The song that is most played in fabric stores is Madonna's "Material Girl".
Mausoleum: When Kate Moss passes away, will her final resting place be a Moss-oleum?
Mediocre: An inferior brown pigment is mediochre.
Melodramatic: Fred thinks tranquilizers keep him from overacting, but they make him mellow dramatic instead.
Meltdown: For snowmen, badly losing your temper could be fatal because it would be a meltdown.
Mercedes Benz: He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
Mine: Would an ancient Central American valentine have said "Be Mayan"?
Missed: In some places fog will never be mist.
Mistake: Becoming a vegetarian is a big missed-steak.
Molasses: A Charlie's Angels spinoff that never got off the ground was "Moe's Lasses", who helped people get out of sticky situations.
Monumental: My venture into the gravestone-making business was a monumental success.
Move: When my neighbour painted his house purple, I had to mauve away.
Mustard: When a soldier leaves the army, he turns into a condiment, because he's mustered out.
Mute: Do mimes commute to work?
Mute: The mime sentenced to death for murder had his sentence commuted.
Mutiny on the Bounty: Could we call a revolt in a paper towel factory a Mutiny on the Bounty?
Mystery: If the actor Mr. T. had called himself Mr. E., nobody would have known what he was doing.
News Feed: Do journalists eat news feed?
No Effort: I could win the Laziness Olympics with no effort at all.
No Key: How can I unlock my phone if it's a Nokia?
No Mad: People who are always on the move aren't angry because they're nomads.
Nobel Prize: A farmer that successfully raised lesbian cows won a no-bull prize for agriculture.
Noble Cause: A crow that prefers to perch only on cows is a no-bull caws.
Nostalgia: Feelings of wistfulness around food are called noshtalgia.
Not Tea: People who are overly chauvinistic about their hot drinks say that tea is good and not tea is bad.
Nothing: I asked my dog what two minus two is, and he said nothing.
Nun: When I first heard about the TV show The Flying Nun, I thought that it was about the Mitsubishi Zero.
Oar Fan: Have sympathy for the person who really likes rowing, for s/he is an orphan.
Oblong: Stretching an ellipse makes it oblonger.
On the Fly: I wonder if it's a good idea for pilots and skydivers to learn on the fly.
One Star [rating]: If I had to rate this solar system, I'd give it one star.
One-Night Stand: Any table that doesn't call you back is one nightstand.
Open Road: No punster wants to walk the no-pun road, which is sad and lonely.
Operating: If nothing else, a surgeon's computer needs an operating system.
Operational: When a hospital is out of commission due to a power failure, it's non-operational.
Operator: During a personnel crisis at the hospital, a surgeon found herself at the telephone switchboard because she was an operator.
Organic: Some people like Star Wars food: Organaic.
Orgasm: Remember folks, it isn't a yawn, it's a bore-gasm!
Out Standing: An expert farmer is outstanding in her field.
Outing: An excursion during Gay Pride Week probably shouldn't be called an outing.
Outlaws: If marriage becomes illegal, only outlaws will have in-laws.
Oy-Ster: If young people are referred to as youngsters and older people are sometimes called oldsters, why aren't Yiddish people called oysters?
Park a: As a punslinger, I know that if I want a warm coat, all I have to do is parka car.
Parker: Since the guy in the Spiderman suit does all sorts of acrobatic leaping and climbing, his name should be Peter Parkour.
Part With: When a bald man was given a comb for his birthday, he said "I will never part with it."
Pass: When a quarterback declines an offer, does he say "I'll pass"?
Pay Per View: I wanted to watch the origami competition on the TV, but it was on paper view.
Peacekeepers: When things heat up in the Middle East, we should send them jigsaw puzzle boxes, since they're great piecekeepers.
Peek at You: People playing Pokemon Go are Peeping Toms because they're always trying to get a Pikachu.
Peek-a-Boo: A game that you don't want to play with kids in a fireworks factory is peek-a-boom.
Peek-a-Boo: When the clouds alternately hide and reveal the mountain tops, we say that the mountains are playing peak-a-boo.
Peer: Small boats can be vulnerable to pier pressure.
Peer Review: I had to submit my article "Docks: An Annotated History" to a journal for pier review.
Per Spire: The priest started sweating when he saw the quote for repairing the church's roof because the charge was perspire.
Percent Off: Would you go to a hair salon if it offered a 10% off sale?
Pick It: If your nose was on strike, would you picket?
Pirouette: Is one of the dance steps in a water ballet a pirou-wet?
Platypus: Give a cat a kilt and you'll have a plaidypuss.
Play Dough: If a female deer were frisking and frolicking, would we call her Play Doe?
Plucky: People who prepare poultry may not be brave, but they are plucky.
Poe, a Tree: If you ever see Edgar Allen Poe about to collide with a tree, warn him by yelling "Poetry!"
Poe-Shun: I reject Edgar Allen and his ravens with a special drink - a potion.
Poetry: "The Raven" is but one example of Edgar Allen Poetry.
Pole: I recently took a poll and 100% of people were annoyed when the tent collapsed.
Ponzi Scheme: If a chess player were to set up a swindle, would it be called a pawnzi scheme?
Pop: Advice for fathers who play with balloons: "Don't drink, Pop."
Pops: When Larry went to clown college, he wanted to be called Bobo, but due to his spectacular failures with balloon animals, he was called Pops.
Portly: The overweight guy got the nickname "Harbour" because he was portly.
Pot Luck: Do people in the marijuana business throw pot-luck parties?
Prepare: A peeled apple that's ready to eat has been pre-pared for you.
Primate: Your friend the crowbar is an ape because it's a pry mate.
Pro Tractor: If you want to find the right angle to be in favour of farm machinery, you will need a protractor.
Progressive Conservatives: If Stephen Harper and his Tories changed their minds about legalizing marijuana, they could be called the Pro-Grassive Conservatives.
Pulitzer Prize: The author of "Astonished Chickens" won the Pullet Surprise.
Pulitzer Prize: I am certain that my literary and erudite description of the "tug my finger" joke will win the Pull It Surprise.
Punch: I wonder if Muhammad Ali's favourite drink and magazine was Punch?
Pungent: My word play stinks because I am a pun gent.
Purple: Why aren't police paddy-wagons painted "perp"le?
Purple: A cat's favourite colour is purrple.
Pyromaniac: If I get hot throwing pies at people who are using oars, does that make me a pyromaniac?
Queasy: I think that I'm a good cook, but others claim that I put the queasy in cuisine.
Quill & Quire: Is the literary magazine for singers Quill & Choir?
Ragnarok: The Muzak that's played in Valhalla is Ragnarok and roll.
Rapunzel: If Eminem were to grow his hair really long to try to peddle a book on wordplay, would we call him Rap Pun Sell?
Record: A rap group decided to call themselves 'Criminal' so that when they release an album it can be a Criminal Record.
Referee: Is a person who judges dog or cat shows a ref-furry?
Referendum: A plebescite to end the stupidity surrounding marijuana could be called a reefer-end-dumb.
Referral: Do good taxidermists get refurrals?
Remember: Do memories of meals past come forth as rememburps?
Ren and Stimpy: If you see a wren, name it Stimpy.
Renewed: Should my subscription to "Naturist World" be re-nude?
Repealed: Breaking news: the laws against ringing a bell twice have been re-pealed!
Repercussions: Never challenge Death to a pillow fight unless you're prepared for the reaper cushions.
Repercussions: Death playing the drums is an example of reapercussions.
Reporting: When journalists come into the office, are they reporting for work?
Required: Help wanted: Someone to help me assemble animatronic skunks. No experience reek-wired.
Resisting Arrest: Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Restraining Order: Is "Put on your seatbelt!" a restraining order?
Resurface: Since hockey was cancelled, nobody has seen the Zamboni driver, but we're sure she'll resurface eventually.
Retainer: An orthodontic appliance will turn your teeth into lawyers, because they're all on retainer.
Revamp: The movie Dracula is revamped, not rebooted.
Righter: As a superhero, I could be Typoman, the writer of wrongs.
Ringy-Dingy [as Ernestine the Telephone Operator]: A small boat with a bell on it could be called the "Lily Tomlin" - one ringy-dinghy.
Rip-Off: Velcro is a complete rip-off.
Risk: My friends get mad when I steal their kitchen utensils, but it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
Riveting: The History of Joining Metal is not just fascinating, it's riveting.
Role-Playing: Any game that involves dice is a roll-playing game.
Roman Catholic: When the Pope sleepwalks, does that make him a roamin' Catholic?
Rook: Novice chess players are called rookies.
Roundabout: People who design traffic circles are gabby because they talk in a roundabout way.
Rub Out: The Eraser Gang keeps getting involved in rubouts.
Rugged: Carpets can't just be tough, they must be rugged.
Run Away: Will the book "Flee" become a runaway best seller?
Run Through: You shouldn't call a practice jousting session a run-through.
Rung: Hands are like bells, especially when they're wrung.
Rustle: Leaves are chronic livestock thieves because they're always rustling.
Salamis: The Battle of Salamis involved ships, not sausages.
Sangria: The drink that makes you mad is sangria.
Sans Serif [font]: Sansa Stark ran her boat aground on a font: the Sansa Reef.
Satirical: Any humour about a person who's part horse has to be satyrical.
Scars: I burned myself when smoking, and have the cigars to show for it.
Second Fiddle: A guy threw away a violin made from watches because he didn't want to be second fiddle to anyone.
Sedans: "The Waltz of the Cars" could be called the "Sedance".
Seismograph: The quality of dad jokes is measured with a sighsmograph.
Sensational: My karate teacher was not just excellent, he was sensei-tional.
Sentence: A prisoner's favourite punctuation mark is the period because it marks the end of his sentence.
Serengeti: The best way to wrap up a safari is a trip to the Saran-geti.
Sham Pain: The problem with champagne is that too much of it will create realpagne. But it's the journey, not the destination, right?
Shamrock: Detractors of Nickelback say they're perfect for St. Patrick's Day because they play sham-rock.
Shocked: Defibrillators and Tasers rarely fail, but when they do, nobody is shocked.
Short: An article of clothing best avoided by electricians is shorts.
Short For: What is E.T. short for? Because he's short little legs. [From the movie E.T. the Extraterrestrial]
Shrink Wrap: If a psychiatrist started to channel Tupac, would that make her a shrink wrap?
Sick: Should the addresses of hospitals and doctors' offices have the number six in them?
Sighs-mograph: The elephant was so depressed that his huge sighs were picked up on seismographs.
Signs Were There: I refused to believe that my father stole from his job as a roads worker, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
Skid [transporting goods]: People who operate pallet jacks can truly say that their life is on the skids, and that they live on Skid Row.
Skipping Class: Learning how to jump rope in Phys Ed gives a new meaning to skipping class.
Skittish: People in improv troupes don't get nervous, but they do get a little skittish.
Slam [criticize]: "Dad, Jim Morrison was highly overrated!" "Son, I've told you not to slam The Doors!"
Slip On: Winter footwear should not be of the slip-on style.
Slipshod: Using banana peels for horseshoes will always give slipshod results.
Sluggish: I took the shell off of my racing snail to make it faster, but it just made it more slug-ish.
Small Feet: I used to make clown shoes, which was no small feat.
Snippy: Hairdressers aren't usually rude, but they can be snippy.
Socrates: A philosopher who would have liked kicking a ball around was Soccer-ates.
Some Are: The four seasons are all different. Summer warmer than others.
So-So: Mediocre needlework is so-sewing.
Sound: People who snore are sound sleepers.
Spellcasters: I bought a couple of casters (mounted wheels) from Home Despot today. When I got home, I looked at the wheels and they had the words "Abracadabra" and "Alakazam" on them. I thought "These must be Wizard brand because they're spell casters!"
Spot Check: Putting a plaid suit on a leopard could be called a spot check.
St. Patrick's Day: Baseball players celebrate St. Bat-Trick's Day.
Stand Corrected: I didn't think that I needed orthopedic shoes, but now I stand corrected.
Stand Up: A comedian faced down a bully because someone told him to standup for himself.
Star of the Show: The credits of the movie "Eclipse" give the Sun top billing, because it is the star of the show.
Stereo-Typing: People who plug their computer keyboards into hi-fi systems aren't idiots. That would be stereotyping.
Stiff [dead person]: Morticians relax with a stiff drink.
Stir Up: People who make saddles are always looking to stirrup trouble.
Stretcher: Yoga practitioners are great at carrying injured people, since they are stretchers.
Strip: It isn't difficult to become a member of the Exotic Dancing Electrician's Club, but you do have to strip to join.
Strip: Shouldn't "gentlemen's clubs" be located in strip malls?
Stripper: An exotic dancer who incorporated removing body paint into her routine called herself the paint stripper.
Stuck: I was trying to make a pun about escaping quicksand, but I'm stuck.^Pun.me
Stuck: With it's name, you'd think stucco was made from glue.
Stuff: Does a basketball player who specializes in slam-dunks have the right stuff?
Suck You Lent: The vacuum cleaner you loaned me is like an aloe vera: a succulent.
Sufficient: My supply of beach jokes is more than surficient to meet demand.
Suitor: When a gentleman tailor woos a lady, he is called a suitor.
Suspended Animation: The full-length cartoon "Cryo" wasn't cancelled, it was put in suspended animation.
Suspended Sentence: A marionette was convicted of theft, but given a suspended sentence.
Suspension: Would a no-no committed during a bridge tournament result in a bridge suspension, or a suspension (from) bridge?
Sweep: My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Swore Off Skiing: After the salesman in the swanky jewelry store had a skiing accident, he Swarovski forever.
Symphony: A counterfeit sim can play music, since it's a symphony.
Take a Shower: Kleptomaniacs were banned from the bathroom because they kept taking showers.
Take It: The repentant kleptomaniac said "I just couldn't take it anymore!"
Taking Pictures: A photographer was thrown out of an art gallery because he kept taking pictures.
Taking Something: I have kleptomania, but I'm taking something for it.
Taking Time: Patience is required to be a clock thief because you have to take your time.
Tangerine: The grumpiest fruit is the t-anger-ine.
Taps: If I were a plumber with a trumpet, would I play Taps on it?
Taps: You can tell that poltergeists manufactured faucets when they were alive because of all the taps they make now.
Taylor Swift [singer]: A person who sings while quickly mending clothes is a Tailor Swift.
Teller: One shouldn't discuss secrets in a bank, especially in front of the tellers.
Terrifying: Trade wars are more than frightening, they're tariffying.
The Bait: When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
The Descent of Man: If Darwin had written a book about the evolution of deodorant, would it have been called "The De-Scent of Man"?
The Van: I will drive the car, while the furniture-maker will drive divan.
This Is Not a Drill: When a disaster happened in the tool factory, the foreman held up a hammer and yelled: "Evacuate! This is not a drill!"
Throw: I wonder if corrupt judo athletes throw their matches.
Throw Back: Do fishing professionals participate in Throwback Thursdays?
Tick Tock: A discussion about ticks could be the sound of a grandfather clock because it is tick talk.
Tie: Did Luke get Darth Vader a TIE for Father's Day?
Time on My Hands: I had clocks tattooed on my palms so I could say that I had time on my hands.
Tip: I need to check my bank account before paying the bill at a restaurant so that I can tip without losing my balance.
Tip Toes: Ballerinas are very quiet because they're always tiptoeing around.
Toking [Smoking Marijuana]: I wonder if a gift of marijuana cigarettes for a job well done is a token of appreciation?
Too Tired: A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
Too Tired: I was annoyed at being unable to sleep due to the horn honking, but was toot ired to do anything about it.
Tool Bar: Do I have to go to a toolbar to get hammered?
Torque: Is Peter Tork the Monkee who kept wanting to play "The Twist"?
Touchy: I wanted to learn Braille, but it's a touchy subject.^Pun.me
Tractor: People who criticize farm machinery are detractors.
Training: Do train drivers ever get qualified or are they always in training?
Trial: Do law firms soliciting clients offer a free trial?
Try Me Out: If I were to start a cat-lending service, its motto would be "Try Meowt".
Turned On: When I get naked in the bathroom, only the shower gets turned on.^Pun.me
Tutankhamun: An incoming trumpeter is like a Pharaoh: tootin' comin.
Twelve Months [in a year]: The thief that stole a calendar got twelve months.
Two Can: My friend tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
Two Week: I used to be a personal trainer, but I quit after giving my too weak notice.
UCLA: When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
UFO: A fake flying saucer is a U-eh-phony.
Un Boxing: The way Christmas is, with all the unwrapping and opening, we should call it Unboxing Day.
Unbeatable: You probably shouldn't buy eggs at an "unbeatable price".
Unchecked: What would happen if the Plaid Plague Pandemic were left unchecked?
Unclear: The meaning of opaque is unclear.
Underwear: Lingerie stores sell under-wares.
Unhygienic: Not greeting Jennifer makes me a dirty boy: Un-hi-Jen-ic.
Uniform: Garments worn by the military and first responders are grown on unifarms.
Unspeakable: Do psychopathic mimes commit unspeakable crimes?
Utter: My first attempt at milking a cow was an udder disaster.
Valour: When it comes to dangerous fabrics, is discretion the better part of velour?
Vice Squad: Who else but the vise squad would clamp down on crime?
Viral: I made a meme about the corona virus and it went viral.
Vitamin C: An important part of a healthy diet of fish is Vitamin Sea.
Wall Russ: If a drywall contractor named Russ were to choose a mascot for his company, would it be a walrus?
Want To: My wife told me to stop speaking in numbers, but I didn't 1 2.^Pun.me
Waste of Time: Don't try to make a belt with watches, as it will be a waist of time.
Watergate: Was President Nixon's favourite 'thirst quencher' Watergatorade?
Way Back [leaning]: My recliner and I go way back.
Weak Back: Can anyone remember that chiropractor joke I posted about a week back?
Weapon: If I told jokes with intent to injure, would I be charged with assault with a weapun?
Wear Out: Clothes worn out-of-doors become beat-up and shabby because you wear them out.
Weatherstripping: When meteorologists want to have a stag (or doe) party, they go to Home Depot to see the weather stripping.
Weight Training: Learning patience will make you stronger because it's wait training.
Welcome to the Jungle: Psychiatrists have a favourite Guns N Roses song: Welcome to the Jung-le.
Well, Well, Well: While pondering the sight of three watering holes in the ground, I said "Well, well, well."
Whistle Blower: If I were to raise the alarm about corruption in the Referee's Union, would that make me a whistle-blower whistleblower?
White Russian [alcoholic drink]: Does a racist ethnic bar serve only White Russians?
Who Let the Dogs Out: A song that should be played at sci-fi fan-cons is "Dr. Who Let the Dogs Out". Except, they're not dogs…
Whole: After eating the ship, the sea monster said, I can’t believe I ate the hull thing.
Whole Grains: Are doughnuts made from hole grains?
Wikipedia: The primary source of information in the Star Wars universe is Wookiee-pedia.
Wind: When I first heard about the play "Inherit the Wind", I thought that it was about the genetics of flatulence.
Wooden: Pinocchio wanted to be a star on Broadway, but was criticized for his wooden acting.
Worship: Naval dockyards are holy because they are places of warship.
Would: I tried to come up with a pun about carpentry, but nothing wood work.
Wouldn’t Whistle: I bought a wooden whistle but it wooden whistle.
Wrestlemania: Is the premier athletic event of cattle thieves called Rustlemania?
X-Rated: Ted's radiologist could be a porn star, since she's already X-Ray-Ted.
Yankee: Pulled weeds become Americans - Yankees.
Yet He: For years, Sasquatch has been called Bigfoot, Yeti never complains.