Pun Dictionary: One-Liners Category

Animals

A Scent: How do you know when a skunk agrees with you? When it gives strong assent.
A Scent: Skunks climb by making ascent.
Ack-Ack (Anti-Aircraft): With what do monkeys shoot down airplanes? A macaque gun.
Adder: A snake that's good at math is an adder.
Alcatraz: What's the Prison for Deer called? Elkatraz.
Apple Loose: A bunch of apples on the floor is like a horse: Appaloosa.
Ask: Ox a silly question, get a silly answer.
Aunt Elope: Did your antelope with your uncle before they married?
Baboon: What do you call a monkey in a minefield? A baboom!
Bear: All of these puns are getting hard to bear.
Beluga: What colour are whales? Blue-ga.
Bore: The pig kept putting people to sleep because he was such a colossal boar.
Boring: All these pig jokes are getting boaring.
Boring (2): It is tiresome when a snake starts swallowing its tail because it becomes a boa-ring.
Bovine: Cows don't grow on trees, they grow on bo-vines.
Boy: Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys.
Brewster: Can we call a chicken making beer a brooster?
Buffalo: A bull works out at the gym to become a buff fellow.
Bullion: In what form do cattle prefer their gold to be? Bull-ion.
Buy Some: "You've run out of buffalo steaks? Go out and bison, then!"
Bye, son: What did the buffalo say when he sent his son to college? Bison.
Calamity: Sheep don't have disasters, they have ca-lamb-ities.
Call a Bus: When I need a ride, I use my Monkey Phone to colobus.
Canter: A person who leads the singing is like a running horse because he's the cantor.
Canter: A running horse is infallible because it can't err.
Cheap: Here, wool isn't expensive, it's sheep.
Cheater: An animal which doesn't play by the rules is a cheetah.
Child Bear: Mother bears are experts at childbearing.
Ciao: What's an Italian's favourite breed of dog? Chow.
Coaxial: Do ducks hook up TVs with quaxial cables?
Co-bra: A special snake-themed brassiere for conjoined twin women could be called a cobra.
Cocaine: The preferred drug of frogs is croakaine.
Coral Reef: Where should one keep seahorses? A corral reef.
Crate: The best container for a snake is a krait.
Crokinole: The preferred table game of frogs is croakinole.
Croquet: Do frogs and toads play croak-et?
Dalai Lama: When something is running late, it should be reported by a mascot: the Delay Llama.
Dear: This stuffed animal is very deer to me.
Decaf [Decaffeinated]: What kind of coffee does a baby cow drink? De-calf.
Decaffeinated: What do you call a cow that just had its baby? Decalfinated.
Drawers: Lions put their clothes in dresser droars.
Dromedary: A camel that takes the smallest slight and blows it up into a Big Hairy Deal is a drama-dary.
Dromedary: Camels in a certain part of Ireland are drome-Derrys.
Electrocute: If a kitten ate an electric eel, would it become electro-cute?
Emu: Is it an electronic cow? Is it a flightless bird? It's both! It's an e-moo!
Equinox: Do oxen turn into horses on the Equine-ox?
Fleece [swindle]: Beware of sheep scammers. They're always trying to fleece you.
Go: Livestock hymn: "Goat Tell it on the Mountain".
Go For: I'm hungry. Let's gopher some lunch now.
Goat [Greatest of All Time]: When it comes to New Mexico outlaws, Billy the Kid was the GOAT.
Grasshopper: Marijuana has been proven to cause animals to mutate! A rabbit jumped into a pot field and became a grass-hopper!
Hair: Bald biologists say "Hare today, gone tomorrow."
Half Stein: It was an odd accident scene. Of the farmer's two black-and-white cows, one was unscathed, and the other was cut cleanly in two. "Well sir," said the investigator, "it looks like you have one holstein and two halfsteins."
Hammock: Does one make fun of pigs while lying in a ham-mock?
Heard: I wanted to tell sheep jokes to my border collie, but was afraid that he'd herd them.
Horse Whisperer: "I'm so good with horses that I'm called the Horse Whisperer." "Oh yeah? When I get laryngitis, I become a hoarse whisperer!"
Humanity: To support a conservation effort, I "adopted" a manatee. I decided to name him Hugh so that I could say "Oh, the Hugh Manatee!"
Husky: My sled dog puppy isn't fat, he's just a little husky.
Illegal: You cannot cross an eagle with an eel because it's eeleagle.
Inches: One linear foot of small birds = 12 finches.
Kuala: The capital of Malaysia is Koala Lumpur.
Lambada: What's a sheep's favourite Latin dance? The Lambada.
Links: Biologists are always hunting for the missing lynx in the evolutionary process.
Littering: When the dog gave birth to puppies next to the side of the road, it was cited for littering.
Lost a Lot: We ocelot of money in the stock market crash.
Lying: This beast cannot tell the truth because it is a lion.
M. C. Hammer: The rapping shark called himself M. C. Hammerhead.
Mamma Mia: A musical show about snake charmers could be called "Mamba Mia".
Mayonnaise: I named my horse Mayo. Mayo neighs.
Minute [small]: I got a pet newt and named him Tiny, because he's my newt.
Monk Key: Monks unlock the monastary with a monkey.
Mouser: The preferred gun of the hunting cat is a Mauser.
Nay: Why are horses so negative? They are neigh sayers.
New (1): "I'm fine, thanks. What's gnu with you?"
Orchestra: What do you call a pod of musical whales? An orcastra.
Ought to: You really otter go and see the zoo sometime.
Past Your: What did the mama cow say to her calf? "Come inside, it's pasture bedtime!"
Peek at: To pika someone else's test is considered cheating.
Perch: Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Poo My: When I see a cougar coming towards me, it makes me want to puma pants.
Purpose: Pity the ex-mariner, now without any porpoise in life.
Qualify: "I want to study animals in Australia!" "Fill out this form to see if you Koala-fy for a government grant!"
Quality: Steep some eucalyptus leaves in hot water to get a high koala-tea drink.
Reese's Pieces [type of chocolate]: I got a chocolate monkey for Easter. I took it apart so that I could have Rhesus Pieces.
Scapegoat: The neighbours' goat unlatched the gate and let all the cows and horses out. We blamed the escapegoat.
Seal: This pun book has the seal of approval of the International Save the Pun Foundation.
Smelled: Response to fishy flatulence: "He who smelt it, dealt it!"
Stable: Darn kids. I had to take one to the hospital because he's somehow gotten 6 plastic horses stuck up his ass. Doctors described his condition as stable.
Stable: Two horses got divorced because they didn't have a stable relationship.
Stakes are High: Would a combined marijuana and cattle farm be a high steaks enterprise?
Tear Your: I know your dog ran away. Don't terrier self up about it.
Turn Pike: The fish going in circles is not a highway, it's a turnpike.
U-Turn: Did you hear about the farmer who drove a flock of sheep through town and got a ticket for making a ewe turn?
Watch Dog: We called our dog Rolex because she's a watchdog.
Whisk Her: The egotistical cat thought that he was so purrfect that when he saw a pretty girl he could whisker away.
Windshield Wiper: The best snake to have around a car is a windshield viper.
Your Keys [Yorkshire Terrier]: With what do dog owners lock your doors? Yorkies!

Birds

A Real: Bird watching is oriole great outdoors activity.
Birdies and Eagles: Birders dislike golfers because of their desires to get birdies and eagles.
Bunting [bird]: The Birdwatcher's Convention was all decked out with paper streamers and bunting.
Cahoots: If crows and owls could ever learn to work together, they'd be in caw-hoots.
Cause: It's only a murder of crows if there is probable caws.
Con Door: The great door swindle was called the condor.
Cosmetics: What do crows apply to keep them looking youthful? Cawsmetics.
Falcon: The Great Autumn Bird Swindle was called the falcon.
Hair On: When the ornithologist nearly lost his toupée in the wind, he said "It's really hard to keep my heron!"
Orchestral: A small falcon rowing a boat is musical because it is oar-kestrel.
Raving: You can tell a crow is crazy when it's a raven.
Tern: Motto of the Birdwatcher's Society: One good tern deserves another.
Us Pray: We of the Church of the Holy Water Raptor, let osprey.

Cars

Aunty Freeze: What happens to Aunty Marge when she falls in the snow? Antifreeze.
Battery: The Energizer Bunny went to jail. He was charged with battery.
Beater [old car]: I should call my car "Egg" because it's an old beater.
Block: A mechanic's idea of exercise is jogging around the (engine) block.
Break: "Sorry, no discounts on repairs!" "Aw, gimme a brake!"
Breakdown: That car has a high-strung disposition. It might have a nervous breakdown if mistreated.
Bumper: She wouldn't get out of the way, so I had to bumper to let her know I wanted in.
Clutch: Mechanics don't grab, they clutch.
Crash (2): I need to learn how to drive by next week. Where can I get a crash course in driver training?
Door: You unlocked the car for me! You're a-door-able!
Drive: A golfer who can't drive can't get to the golf course, let alone play the game well.
Fend Her: She attacked me with a tire iron, so I had to fender off with my hubcap.
Fool: A person who sniffs gas isn't an idiot, he's a fuel.
Ford: Without a bridge, the best place to drive across a river is at a Ford.
Head Light: If I were to plug my head into the socket, would I have a headlight?
Hoes: The mechanic's a master gardener. Look how he hose the soil and gets the weeds.
Hood: The "Front-End Vandal" was really just a petty hood-lum.
Lemmon: Would you buy a car from the actor Jack Lemon?
Manny Fold: "What does Manny do with the sheets after they're washed?" "Manifold them and put them away."
Petals: The prettiest parts of car flowers are the pedals.
Porch: I'll mix me a mint julep and sit out on the front Porsche and watch the world go by.
Real (1): "Did you have fun at the stock car races?" "Yep, I had a wheel good time!"
Recommended: The new auto body shop that just opened comes highly wreck-a-mended.
Rolaid: Axle grease helps the digestion because it's a roll-aid.
Rolls [Royce]: Why did Silly Billy get kicked out of the car show? He kept putting butter on the Rolls!
Skid: The alcoholic race car driver wound up on skid row.
Sob: A tale of misery and woe about a bad car is a Saab story.
Spoiler: A mechanic who ruins things for people is a spoiler.
Steer: "Joe tried to take the turn too fast, lost control and rear-ended the cow!" "I guess that was a bum steer!"
Suspension: A mechanic's favourite bridge is a suspension bridge.
Tired (1): People are exhausted after being run over because they got tired.
Transmission: Do ambulance mechanics wear gloves to prevent the transmission of infections to the engines?
Trunks: Why is an elephant like a car? They both have trunks.
Wrote Her: She wrote me a nice letter, so I rotor back.

Clothing

Blazers: Firefighters prefer to wear blazers.
Blows: Tailor's lullaby: "...When the wind blouse, the cradle will rock..."
Close: "Whew! I just escaped from the rioting crowd of garment workers!" "I guess you had a clothes call!"
Curr Chief: When Frankie Curr became the head of the clan, he assumed the title of "kerchief".
Jack it: When your car gets a flat tire, you have to jacket up before you can change it.
Jumpsuit: What to wear when you want to take a flying leap: Jumpsuit.
Overall: "To sum it up, clothing sales have shown an overall increase."
Pants: An out-of-shape tailor pants after a hard run.
Pressed: "I can't stay long! I'm really pressed for time!"
Pumps: "My boat is leaking!" "Use your shoes. After all, they're pumps."
Seems: Welcome to the Surrealist Clothing Shop, where nothing is as it seams.
Shoo: "Get lost, you mangy mutt! Scram! Shoe!"
Skirt: Garment makers are natural politicians, since they can skirt the issues with ease.
Sock: To hit people with footwear is to sock it to them.
Stalking: News headline: "Psychopath tailor stocking the streets! Who will he attack next?"
Stole: The ladies' garment that can't be obtained honestly is the stole.
Suit: Self-serve clothing store motto: "Suit yourself."
Sweater: When the humidex tops 100F, everyone becomes a sweater.

Greek Letters

A Micron: Omicron is one-millionth of a metre.
All For: Alpha one and one for all!
Better: These Greek alphabet jokes don't get any beta.
Cup Of: Gimme a kappa coffee.
Dealt A: "A Jack, two, six, eight and ten! You Delta lousy poker hand to me!"
Eater: An eta is a person in a restaurant.
Fie: Fee phi fo fum! I smell the blood of an Englishman!
Grandma: Gamma is married to Grandpa.
I Ought To: Iota punch you in the nose for saying that.
It's A Long: Epsilon time since I saw you last.
Lamb The: Give da lambda oats and it will grow up to become a sheep.
Moo: Greek cows make this noise: Mu.
New (2): Hi there! What's nu with you?
Oh Make A: "Would you like me to make a cake or cookies?" "Omega cake, please!"
Pi: When I look at my digital watch and see it's 3:14:15, I know it's time for pie.
Pie: I'd like to have some apple pi for dessert.
Row: Keeners like to sit in the front rho of class.
Say The: Just zeta magic word and poof, you're a genius.
See The: Can you theta rainbow? Ithn't it pwetty?
Sighs: Why are elephants so large? Because of their great psi's.
Tow (2): When the Greek driver's car broke down, he called a tau truck.

Measures

Ache: A geographer in pain is an acre.
Bush: The unit of shrub volume should be the bushel.
Carrot: A reasonable unit to use for weighing vegetables should be the carat.
Erg: What someone says when punched in the gut: "erg!"
For Long: Buy this horse now, because it won't be this cheap furlong!
Hector: The Greek hero was Hector, not hectare!
Hog's Head: A measurement freak would say "In a hogshead!" instead of "In a pig's eye!"
Jane: "Me Tarzan, you chain."
Kill-o-Gram: Based on the tradition of the singing telegram, the Mafia hit squad has introduced the kilogram.
Leader: Weights and measures inspectors like to play follow the litre.
Meet Her: "Cheryl's a really nice person." "Oh, I'd like to metre."
Pick: When it comes to selecting a unit of volume, I never know which one to peck!
Pints: A half-sized quartz watch is a pintz watch.
Poise: To be the "dancing measurer", you need lots of poise and coordination.
Ruler: The head person of the Bureau of Weights and Measures is known as the ruler.
Yard: Give weeds an inch and they'll take a yard.

Military

Armies: Where does a general keep his armies? In his sleevies.
Balmer: A mortician with an explosive personality is an em-bomber.
Bey On Nut: A painting of the Bey of Tunis sitting on a cashew was called "bayonet".
Canon: Pachelbel's Cannon is classical music that is popular with artillery soldiers.
Con Script: The fake TV show script was meant to fool people, so it was called the conscript.
Corporal: Corporal punishment was outlawed in schools years ago.
Fleet (1): "Those Navy people sure can run fast!" "Yes, they're very fleet of foot."
General: As a general rule, it's a good idea to grovel to superior officers.
Gone (2): Favourite military movie: "Gun with the Wind."
How Is Her: "I just talked to Judy in the hospital." "Oh? howitzer broken leg?"
Infant: I've always wondered why one must be an adult in order to serve in the infant-ry.
Major: Winning the battle was a major accomplishment.
Mine: That bomb is not yours, it's mine.
Mortar: Get some mortar so we can patch the brick wall.
Order: If I were an Army Drill Instructor, I could shout "Descending! That's an order!".
Private: No peeking there! That's private!
Pull It: If you can't push it, you must bullet.
Rifle: The thief was about to rifle through the gun cabinet when he was caught.
Tank: Monogrammed grenades, for me? Tank you very much!
Worship: I love you! I'm crazy about you! I warship the ground you walk on!

Misc

Address: To get into the Witness Protection Program, she got married. This way she got a new name and a dress.
August: What type of wind can you expect in the eighth month of the year? August!
Baa-Steal Day: On which holiday does the sheriff expect a spike in sheep rustling? Bastille Day.
Banner [name of man behind Hulk]: I don't know why Marvel doesn't use the Hulk to advertise more. He's essentially one big banner.
Behind: Did you hear what happened when the butcher backed into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.
Budget: You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Can't Put it Down: I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
Carrion: Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
Cheque/check: "Why did you give me this paper with a plaid design?" "You told me to write you a check!"
Conceivable: Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Contractions: A woman in the late stages of her pregnancy suddenly started shouting "Can't! Won't! Shouldn't!" Her husband rushed into the room and said "I hear that the contractions have started."
Deaf in It: I said to my doctor "I have a problem with one of my ears." He asked "Are you sure?" I replied "Yes, I'm definite."
Defeat: Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Developed: He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Die: When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
Disaster (1): Did you hear about the woman who backed into an airplane propeller? Disaster!^G
Drink Your Milk: How would a Jewish boy react to being told to "Drink yarmulke"?
Flies (2): Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Fly Fishing: A man and his son were fishing in a lake, whose water was rough because it was a windy day. He made a bad cast and the hook snagged in the little hole in the tag of his pants zipper. His son said "Is this why it's called fly fishing?"
Formidable [French word]: An amazing French ant is un fourmidable.
Her Before: This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
Her Mitts: Janet's mittens wanted to be alone because they are hermits.
Insane: If you jump off a bridge in Paris, you are in Seine.
Inverse: A backward poet writes inverse.
Mail: I heard that the post office was a male dominated industry.
Males: My wife applied to work at the post office, but they wouldn't letter. They said only mails work here.^Pun.me
Medium: A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
No Shit: "Dr. Watson, what is the brand of this enema?" "No Shit Sherlock." "Ah, it's alimentary, my dear Watson."
No-Fly Zone: In the "good old days" in Scotland, the lads wore kilts and the lasses wore dresses. No pants anywhere. I guess it was the first no-fly zone.
O Shun: I refuse to have anything to do with the letter O when I'm at the ocean.
Oil of Olay: The favourite skin cream of Spanish bullfighters is Oil of Olé.
Pa [father]: A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Play on Words: I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
Profit: Elijah could not work for charities because they are non-prophet organizations.^*
Pupils: Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
Recovered: The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Saving Private Ryan: My friend Ryan could star in a reality show about his quest for the perfect jock-strap. It could be called "Saving Ryan's Privates".
Scarface [movie]: Al Pacino has a new movie about a Cuban man who wins the World Knitting Championship. It's called Scarf Ace.
Second: Clockmakers never win races. They always come in second place.
Seedy: When I saw a pile of CD-ROMs on a co-worker's desk, I asked him if he was from a CD part of town.
Self: My books fell on me. I have only my shelf to blame.
Staggering: It's a five-minute walk from my house to the pub, and 45 minutes the other way. The difference is staggering.
Stationary: No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.
Surgery: If Dr Jury were knighted, would he be called Surgery?
Taint: A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
Tolled: The truth may ring out like a bell, but it is seldom ever tolled.
Transcendental Meditation: Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Typo [-graphical error]: A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walked into a blood bank. The rabbit said "I think I might be a Type O."
Why Did You Lie?: "What's your favourite month?" "July." "Why July?" "I didn't lie."

Money

Bond (2): Britain's secret agent of finance is James Bond.
Bought: We went to Thailand for a vacation and baht a lot of ties.
Changed: I was addicted to eating money, but I've changed.
Diner: A person eating at a restaurant is called a dinar.
Dullar: "Are his financial senses getting sharper?" "No, they're getting dollar."
Frank (1): "I must be franc with you. Your monetary policy plan will not work."
In Vest: A person wearing a three-piece suit is in jacket, in pants and invest.
Interest: Old joke: Why is it that women with the least principle get the most interest?
Kangaroo: Would a joint Indo-Australian currency be called the KangaRupee?
Killed Her: The news of the stock market crash so shocked the woman that it guilder.
Leroy: "Bad, bad, lira Brown, baddest man in the whole damn town..."
Pay So: Down with taxes! We have to peso much that we have nothing left for ourselves!
Principal: "It's not school that I hate, it's the principle of the thing."
Quarter: "Here's 25 cents. Now you can't say I give no quarter in my business deals."
Real (2): "Is this coin counterfeit?" "No, it's the riyal thing."
Rubble: What's left over after a bank is demolished is ruble.
Sense: Common cents should be a guiding force in investment.
Share: The stock broker always has a preferred share he or she likes to sit in.
Stock: I must stop and take stock of the situation.
You On: If you anger a Chinese Mafia boss, he's likely to "put yuan ice."

Music

A Flat Minor: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft? A flat miner.
A Minor: What do you call an underaged musician? A minor.
Abatoir: I tried singing an ABBA song once, but I butchered it so badly that I was called the Abbatoir.
Abba-Lone: Is a single person who likes Abba an abalone?
B Flat [music]: In what key do cows sing? Beef flat.
Bar Talk: Conversation heard in a saloon is Bartok.
Bass Line [music]: When do baseball players become musicians? When they're playing the base line.
Bass Soon: A person who's fishing in a hurry wants a woodwind: a bassoon.
Beet Oven: The best place for a composer to bake beets is the Beethoven.
Blew It: When a wind instrument player flubs a note, do we say that he blew it?
Break Into: I break into song if I can't find the key.
Broadband: Once there was a rock group that wore brassieres outside their clothes. They called themselves Fast Internet because they were the bra'ed band.
Broke: When a musician has no money, he/she is Baroque.
Cast a Net: Castanet: A fisherman's favourite musical instrument.
Catch [fish]: If you must listen to music while fishing, make it something with a catchy hook.
Cellophane: How does a musician keep her instrument dry? She wraps it in cello-phane.
Chandelier: Electricians are musical. Who else put Handel in chandelier?
Chestnuts Roasting in an Open Fire: A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
Clementine: Shellfish in the Old West used to sing "My Darling Clamentine".
Close, but no Cigar: If a musician doesn't quite get the win, do they say "Close, but no Seger"?
Conductor: "I was struck by lightning and lived!" "I always knew you were a terrible conductor."
Copacabana [song]: Apparently there is a Russian resort on the Black Sea which offers cabanas for only 10 kopeks a night. When I heard about it, I wanted to write a song called "Kopek Cabana".
Coral: Beethoven's 9th Symphony as heard on the Great Barrier Reef: The "choral".
Counter-Tenor: What kind of singer is a man who counts to ten? A Counter-Tenner.
Cymbal [hi-hat in drum kit]: Computer: choose a password. Me: hi-hat. Computer: password cannot contain symbols.
Die Fledermaus: The struggle over unplugging an inflatable Christmas mouse display could be turned into a comic opera called Deflator Mouse.
Di-Luted: Why don't lute players ever perform in pairs? The sound would become diluted.
Drum: Advertising the concert is a good way to drum up business.
Elder: My Elgar brother is a notable composer.
Electric Light Orchestra: Adorable stuffed killer whale toys + Christmas lights + drinking straws = Electric Light Orcastraw.
Flat: I opened the garage door and saw that my bike tires needed tuning because they were a bit flat.
Forty-Five: What music concert costs only 45 cents? 50-Cent featuring Nickelback.
Fruit: Underwear for musicians: Flute of the Loom.
Greek: You're musically illiterate? Yep. All those notes and things are Grieg to me.
Handle: It's a tough job being a musician. Are you sure you can Handel it?
Harmony: People in choirs are peaceful. They like to live in harmony.
Harp: Yes, yes, I know I should practise my piano. Don't harp on it.
Hiding: You're not telling the truth! What are you Haydn from me?
Hobo (2): A wandering, penniless musician, often called a bum is an Oboe.
I Shot the Sheriff: The cobbler's song: "I Shod the Sheriff (But I Didn't Shoe his Deputy)."
I Wanna Hold Your Hand [Beatles Song]: The favourite Beatles song of lizards is 'Iguana Hold Your Hand'.
I'll Be Back [from The Terminator]: When the Schwarzenegger family decided to dress up as classical composers for Halloween, Arnold said "I'll be Bach".
In Voice: Choir directors don't send bills, they send invoices.
Instrument: An excellent music teacher is instrumental in getting kids to learn and love it.
Jumping Jack Flash [song]: I was doing jumping jacks when my pants fell down. That's how I became known as Jumping Jack Flash.
Key: He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Led Zeppelin: I got a model of a dirigible and when I put little lights on it, it began to play "Stairway to Heaven". It was an LED Zeppelin.
Liar: The least truthful musical instrument is the lyre.
Losers: If people who work are called workers, why aren't people who play the blues called bluesers?
Lute: A pirate's favourite musical instrument is the loot.
Mass Hysteria: Did you hear about the Catholic service that was disrupted when a hymn was replaced by a Def Leppard song? It caused a case of Mass Hysteria.
Morgue: A person who plays the opposite of fugues accumulates a body of work in a more-gue.
My Boyfriend's Back [song]: Before the Obamas got married, did Michelle sing "My Boyfriend's Barak and You're Gonna Be in Trouble"?
Off and Back: "He'll return in a minute?" "Yes, he's so fast he's Offenbach before you know it."
Oratorio: Any song about glowing Conservative cookies would have to be an aura-toreo.
Peter, Paul, and Mary: My favourite allergy song is "Blowin' in the Wind" by Peter Pollen Mary
Pick Up [lift]: I'm having trouble learning the piano. It's a hard instrument to pick up.
Pitch Fork: What does a farmer use to tune her piano? A pitch fork.
Pressure: Neil Diamond was named Neil Cole until the pressure got to him.
Punk Rock: I heard of a band of crocodiles who sing parody songs. They're a pun croc band.
Putting on the Ritz: If I dip a Ritz cracker into chocolate pudding, should I sing "Puddin' on the Ritz"?
Quartet: A female quart: Quartette.
Quiche: Who better to write a pop song about quiche than Kesha?
Revival [type of music]: I started a revival band called The Defibrillators.
Shopping List (2): What's musical and handy in a supermarket? A Chopin Liszt.
Shrink Wrap: Three psychiatrists were wondering what to do for a talent show. I suggested that they cover some Eminem tunes and call themselves "Shrink Rap". They could make a film about the experience.
Singer: What do you call a person who writes lyrics about sewing machines? A Singer songwriter.
Stay Tuned: If there are any guitarists out there who want to know the secret of making their music sound better, stay tuned.
Tube Of: Comes in handy when cleaning the teeth: a tuba toothpaste.
Two-by-Four [lumber]: The quartet of tuba players called themselves "Lumber" because they were a tuba four.
Unravel: I tried to do some knitting while listening to "Bolero". Unfortunately, it snagged on something and unRaveled.
Violence: Enraged at their poor playing, the conductor attacked the orchestra members with great violins.
Violin: The worst motel I've ever stayed in was called The Fiddle. It was a vile inn.
We All Live in a Yellow Submarine [Beatles Song]: One time at the hoagie shop, the actress Ms. O’Hara asked what the tiny pimiento-stuffed thing in my cheddar-bread sandwich was and I had to respond, “Wee olive in a yellow sub, Maureen."
What's: What Bugs Bunny says to Strauss. "Waltz up, doc?"
Where Do: Hold it right there! Verdi you think you're going?
Xylophone: A farmer's favourite percussion instrument is a silo-phone.

Names

A Net: A fisherman can catch lots of fish with Annette.
Aerial: I had a favourite antenna. I loved it so much I named it Ariel.
Al Is On: "Hey Moe! Where's Al?" "Alison the roof fixing a leak!"
All He: Ollie ever wanted was a chance to better his life.
An: Where to go bowling with Henry VIII: Anne Boleyn alley.
An Eater: When a woman sits down to a meal, she can be called Anita.
Ant on Knee: What do you a call a man with an ant on his knee? Antony.
Aretha Franklin: The office manager hung an illuminated Christmas wreath on the wall. I said "So, you hung up Franklin?" Puzzled response. "A-wreath-a Franklin?"
Author (1): This dude writes books: Arthur.
Bet He: "I bet Joe will propose to her tonight." "I Betty will too."
Bill: This guy gets put through mail slots: Bill.
Blaze: A guy I knew got fired from so many jobs that he started calling himself Blaise.
Bob: What to call a fellow who floats in the water: Bob.
Burden: I never want to be a Burton on society.
Bury (2): A good name for a gravedigger: Barry.
Caring: She's the most loving, gentle, Karen person I know.
Chip: What to call a sculptor and carver: Chip.
Clawed: A good name for a pet lobster is Claude.
Clawed Ya: "Why did the cat scratch me?" "She Claudia because you trod on her tail."
Down (2): When she stepped on the riverboat's scales, a smart-alec sang "Weigh Dawn upon the Swannee River..."
Drain: The sink is clogged! Quick, call Dwayne the plumber!
Drew: Before he died, Drew was a good artist.
Dug: This man worked all his life in the mines: Doug.
France Is: "I'm going to Cannes in January." "The south of Frances very nice at that time of year."
Frank (2): If nothing else, Frank is always honest with you.
Freed A: I organized the breakout that Frieda few friends of mine.
Glad It's: That thunderstorm was really scary. I'm Gladys over now.
Hell In: When things go from bad to worse, she says "I'm going to Helen a hand-cart."
Lancelot: Lance is an uncommon name these days, but in medieval times people were named Lance a lot!
Lot Of: "I won a million bucks in the lottery!" "That's a Lotta money! Can I have some?"
Lowest: I got 6% in a Math test once. It was the Lois mark the teacher ever gave!
Mark: The name of a man who grades essays and tests is Mark.
Marks: I failed Socialist Philosophy. I couldn't get the Marx.
Mat: He got this name by lying on the porch too much: Matt.
Merry: We wish you a Mary Christmas and a happy new year.
Mike: This guy has an attachment to loudspeakers: Mike.
More Is: Haligonian platitude: "Few is fine, but Morris merrier."
Owing: This man is likely to get into debt: Owen.
Peat: This man is often found in bogs: Pete.
Richer: After winning the lottery, he was called Richard.
Robber: What to call a professional safecracker: Robert.
Robbing: Lady, you can't expect to keep out of jail if you keep Robin banks!
Rode A: I went to the ranch and Rhoda horse for the first time!
Rubber Toe: What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto!
Rustle: He stole cattle before getting caught: Russel.
Share And (2): A famous cliché‚ learned in kindergarten: Sharon share alike.
Skip: I enjoy jumping rope: Skip.
Stew: This man, alas, is really into pot: Stu.
Surely: You want fifty dollars for a joke book? Shirley you jest!
Very: Jokes on my name are not Vera funny at all.
Want To: "What are you doing?" "I'm not telling!" "I Wanda know what you little monsters are up to!"

Plants

All-Out: Any operation against weeds is an all-out assault.
Arbor Eat'em: Carnivorous trees grow in an arboretum.
Bark: Don't worry about the foresters. Their bark is worse than their bite.
Bought Any: You can't plant flowers if you haven't botany.
Branches: The Tree Bank has many branches to serve you.
Dearly Departed: I'm thinking of opening Harold's Funeral Home for Plants, where you can say goodbye to the dearly depotted.
For Rest: "Do you go to the woods for exercise?" "No, I go forest."
Graft: If a gardener were to be imprisoned for a financial crime, it would be for graft.
Hedge: Should gardeners invest in hedge funds? They offer opportunities for growth.
Hello, Vera: When I encountered my friend Vera in a garden center, I greeted her with "Aloe, Vera!"
Jew Nipper: My dog bit the rabbi, so I called him Juniper.
Leaves (2): When a tree needs to move, it packs up its trunk and leaves.
Limb: Some people are willing to go out on a limb to conserve forests.
Mint: Why aren't gardeners more wealthy? They can make a mint anytime they want.
Pruning: What's one way of getting forcibly escorted from a garden centre? Asking for a bag of dehydrated plums so that you can do some pruning.
Root: Do plants delivering newspapers have paper roots?
Root [cheer for]: It's time for the Gardener Olympics! For which plant herder will you root?

Plants: Flowers

Back to the Future: Michael J Fox was spotted in a gardening centre, though it was hard to tell with his back to the fuchsias.
Be Gone, Ya: How to banish a gardener: say "Begonia!"
Carnation: If I were to die and come back as a flower, would I be a reincarnation?
Crocus: The caw of an angry crow is like a flower: a crow-cuss.
Disaster (2): After someone talked trash about my flower garden, he caused a 10-car crash. It was a diss-aster.
Oar Kids: I always thought that orchids were two boys propelling a rowboat.
Two Lips: A person trying to seduce a gardener might say "I would like to tiptoe through your tulips."

Plants: Trees

Ale and Thus: He took his first sip of ailanthus began his long slide into alcoholism.
All Pine: If a mountain slope is totally covered in pine trees, is it described as alpine?
Ash: The ash tree remains after a forest fire.
Ass Pen: A wooden donkey corral is made from aspen.
Beach: A mid-Sixties teen movie was called Beech Blanket Bingo.
Fur: Some evergreens are always warm because they have fir coats.
Hem Lock: "How can I keep my hem from unraveling?" "Put a hemlock on it!"
May Pull: Lazy Larry maple his own weight, but only if he has to.
Needles: Sewing is easy in a coniferous forest, since needles abound.
Oak Lahoma: Build your home from oak wood in Oklahoma.
Pine: If a tree loses its neighbours, will it pine away from loneliness?
Pleasantries: I met my friend at the Arbor Day celebration. We exchanged pleasant trees.
Popular: Raising taxes while cutting services never makes a government poplar.
Sick More: His health is rapidly deteriorating. Instead of getting better, he just gets sycamore.
Tam Rack: I hang my tams on the tamarack.
Tree (2): Sixteen minus thirteen equals tree.
Wall Nut: "You must be crazy to build a wall of wood!" "Of course! I'm a walnut!"
You Clipped Us: Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if they were pruned.

Religion

Ecclesiastic: The favourite glue of people who work in churches is called Ecclesia-stick.
Higher Power: Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.
Insects: With all their praying, what religion are mantises? It varies; they're all in sects.
Organ: When the church relocated it had an organ transplant.

Vegetables

Bean: "Waiter, what is this?" "It's bean soup, sir." "I don't care what it's been, what is it now?"