Pun Dictionary: PQ Entries

Density (Physics)
"Do you know what Sin City is?" "Las Vegas." "How about Den Sity?" "Mass over Volume."
In the Pen (Two-Liners)
One ink spot walked up to another ink spot and said "Why are you crying?" The other ink spot replied "because my dad is in the pen and I don't know how long the sentence will be!"
Pa [father] (Misc)
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Pa Tell A (Anatomy)
"Patella story to us!" "OK kids, how about The Magic Kneecap?"
Pack of Cards (Book Titles)
What We Need to Play Bridge: Paco Cards
Page (Expressions)
I just Googled "Missing medieval servant" and the result was "Page not found".
Page Turner (Book Titles: Good)
How to Read a Book: Paige Turnern
Pain (Europe: Iberia)
"Where does Fred hurt?" "Fred's Spain is in his lower back."
Pain (bread) Staking (Vampires)
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Pair (Fruits)
The Apple twins are really quite a pear.
Pair of Dice (Jokes)
What is the gambler's heaven? Paradise.
Pair of Docs (Tom Swifties)
"Now patients can get a second opinion without leaving the office," said Tom paradoxically.
Palace (Astronomy)
The Astronomer King lives, naturally, on the asteroid Pallas.
Pall Bearer (Book Titles: Good)
Grave Mistakes: Paul Bearer
Palm Springs (USA)
Are mattresses in the California desert made with Palm Springs?
Pam Broke (Canada)
"Did Pam break the window?" "Yes, Pembroke it with a baseball."
Pampers (1) (Book Titles)
The Hidden Surprise: Pam PerzJG
Pampers (2) (South America)
South American prairie diapers are Pampas.
Pan Ash (Tom Swifties)
"I killed and cremated the Greek piper god," said Tom with panache.
Pan Nick (Tom Swifties)
"I accidentally cut the Greek piper god while shaving him," Tom panicked.
Pandemic (Two-Liners)
Punning is a disease. Were it to become contagious, it would be a pundemic.
Pane [of glass] (Tom Swifties)
"All right, who hurled the ball through my window?" asked Tom painfully.
Panes Taking (Tom Swifties)
"Yes, I stole the glass from the windows," said Tom painstakingly.
Pants (Clothing)
An out-of-shape tailor pants after a hard run.
Papa You (Fruits)
Mom: "Ted, ask Daddy if he's ill." Ted: "Papaya sick?"
Para[chute] Metric (Tom Swifties)
"My chute weighs only two kilograms," said Tom parametrically.
Paramedics (Jokes)
Why did the EMTs travel in sets of two? They wanted to be pair-a-medics.
Parana (South America)
Denizens of the Parana river can have a big bite.
Pardon Me (Book Titles)
The Criminals Of Watergate: Barton MeeJG
Parenthetic (Tom Swifties)
"I'm having trouble keeping my balance," said Tom parenthetically.
Paris (Europe: France)
In poker, a Paris two of a kind.
Park a (One-Liners)
As a punslinger, I know that if I want a warm coat, all I have to do is parka car.
Parliament (Toronto)
By all rights, the legislature buildings should be on Parliament Street.
Parse Moan (Tom Swifties)
"I'm doing a syntactic analysis of low, long-drawn sounds indicating discomfort," said Tom parsimoniously.
Part With (One-Liners)
When a bald man was given a comb for his birthday, he said "I will never part with it."
Parting Shot (Tom Swifties)
"I'm such a good marksman that you can throw away your hairbrush," was Tom's parting shot.
Pass (Football)
A quarterback's bad game in grammatical terms: Pass imperfect, future tense.
When a quarterback declines an offer, does he say "I'll pass"? Why did the hockey player get slapped? He kept making passes at women.
Pass The (Pasta)
To politely ask for food at the table, say "Please pasta noodles to me."
Pass The Dinner (USA)
"Why is dinner at the far end of the table? Pasadena down here to me!"
Passed [bowel movement] (Cannibals)
A cannibal passed his brother in the woods.
Passing Fancy (Expressions)
Elaborate stickhandling and puck transfer is a phase hockey players go through. It's just a passing fancy.
Past (Christmas)
How did Ebenezer Scrooge win the football game? The Ghost of Christmas passed!
Past Tense (Two-Liners)
You can't run through a camp site. You can only ran, because it's past tents.
Past Your (Animals)
What did the mama cow say to her calf? "Come inside, it's pasture bedtime!"
Past Your Eyes (Jokes)
Why is milk the fastest liquid on earth? Because it's pasteurized before you see it.
Past Your Red Light (Book Titles)
Preaching to Hell's Angels: Pastor Redlight1
Pat [on the head] (Tom Swifties)
"There, there," was Tom's pat answer.
Patch (Jokes)
How did the Great Pumpkin fix the hole in his pants? With a pumpkin patch!
Patent (Book Titles)
What's Your Invention?: Pat TentJG
Path (Tom Swifties)
"I never get lost," said the pathologist.
Patience (Jokes)
Why do doctors tend to be calm? Because they have lots of patients.
Patient (Tom Swifties)
"I've got all the work I can handle," said the doctor patiently.
Patio Furniture (Book Titles)
Green Lawn Chairs: Patty O'FurnitureJG
The Well-Appointed Irish Veranda: Paddy O'FurnitureJA
Patron (Tom Swifties)
"You have to support the right party to get ahead," said the politician patronizingly.
Paul Bunyan (Book Titles)
Foot Problems of Big Lumberjacks: Paul Bunion
Pay Per View (One-Liners)
I wanted to watch the origami competition on the TV, but it was on paper view.
Pay So (Money)
Down with taxes! We have to peso much that we have nothing left for ourselves!
Paying the Price (Expressions)
People who aren't good at haggling wind up paying the price.
Pea Soup (Jokes)
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
Peace (Vegetables)
"All we are saying is give peas a chance."
Peacekeepers (One-Liners)
When things heat up in the Middle East, we should send them jigsaw puzzle boxes, since they're great piecekeepers.
Peach (Fruits)
The fruit magnate was a crook, so he was im-peach-ed.
Peat (Names)
This man is often found in bogs: Pete.
Pecans (Mathematics)
It takes 15 French numbered nuts to make pe-quinze.
Ped [foot] (Tom Swifties)
"Feet excite me," said the pedagogue.
Pee (Tom Swifties)
"Vere ist ze bathroom?" asked Hans peevishly.
Pee is Silent (Jokes)
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the "P" is silent.
Peek at (Animals)
To pika someone else's test is considered cheating.
Peek at You (One-Liners)
People playing Pokemon Go are Peeping Toms because they're always trying to get a Pikachu.
Peek-a-Boo (One-Liners)
A game that you don't want to play with kids in a fireworks factory is peek-a-boom.
When the clouds alternately hide and reveal the mountain tops, we say that the mountains are playing peak-a-boo.
Peeking (Asia: China)
This is a Geography test! No Peking at another's paper!
Peep (Tom Swifties)
"I didn't look at all!" Tom peeped.
Peer (One-Liners)
Small boats can be vulnerable to pier pressure.
Peer Review (One-Liners)
I had to submit my article "Docks: An Annotated History" to a journal for pier review.
Peer Reviewed (Expressions)
Scientific research is more trustworthy when it comes from France because it's Pierre reviewed.
Peg Leg (Book Titles)
The Lady Pirate: Peg LeggJG
Pen (Asia: Southeast)
What does a Cambodian write with? A Phnom Penh.
Pen Win (Hockey)
"I won this pen in a raffle." "I guess that makes you a penguin."
Penchant (Two-Liners)
I walked into a stationery store saying my mantra "Pens, pens, pens." I must have a pen-chant for office supplies.
Pencil Vain (USA)
Pencils that are pretty and they know it come from Pennsylvania.
Penecillin (Book Titles)
The Miracle Drug: Penny CillinJG
Penetration [sexual] (Tom Swifties)
"You're wearing a diaphragm," was Tom's penetrating observation.
Penny Pincher (Book Titles)
Girl On a Budget: Penny Pincherk
Penny Tent (Tom Swifties)
"I regret buying this camping gear for only one penny!" said Tom penitently.
Pennyroyal (Book Titles)
Herbally Yours: Penny Royalw
Peppermints (Book Titles)
The Candy Store: Pepper MintzJG
Pepperoni (Book Titles)
Mexican/Italian Food: Pepe RoneyJG
Per Spire (One-Liners)
The priest started sweating when he saw the quote for repairing the church's roof because the charge was perspire.
Percent Off (One-Liners)
Would you go to a hair salon if it offered a 10% off sale?
Perch (Animals)
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Perennial [pland] (Tom Swifties)
"What's the best time to plant peonies?" was Tom's perennial question.
Perestroika (Book Titles)
Events In The Soviet Union: Perry StroikaJG
Period [menstrual] (Anatomy)
PMS jokes aren't funny. Period.
"It's a bloody mess," said Mary periodically.
Periodical (Tom Swifties)
"Now where did I put that magazine?" Tom asked periodically.
Periodontal (Book Titles)
Irish Dentistry: Perry O'DontalJG
Perk (Tom Swifties)
"I'll brew some more coffee," said Tom perkily.
Persecution (Book Titles)
Oppression of the Masses: Percy KyutionA
Person (Two-Liners)
The sexton and the vicar have disappeared! Should we file a missing parsons report?
Peruse (South America)
"One Peru two peruse" is the motto of a South American book club.
Perverse (Tom Swifties)
"I write poetry about cats!" said Tom purr-versely.
Pet Ant (Tom Swifties)
"Daddy, could I please have an ant farm for Christmas?" asked Tom petulantly.
Petals (Cars)
The prettiest parts of car flowers are the pedals.
Pete Moss (Book Titles: Good)
The Bog: Pete MaasJG
Peter [penis] Dragging (Book Titles)
A Trail in the Sand: Peter DragonJG
Peter Out (Book Titles)
Slowly Fades: Peter OutA
Peter Rabbit (Book Titles: Good)
In Farmer MacGregor's Garden: Peter AbbottJG
Pew or Pee-Yew (Jokes)
What happens when you fart in church? You have to sit in your own pew.
Pheromones (Book Titles)
Animal Scents: Farrah MonesJG
Philadelphia (Book Titles)
Home of the Liberty Bell: Phil A. Delphial
Philharmonic (Book Titles)
All About Orchestras: Phil Harmonic
Philistine (Book Titles: Good)
We Have No Use for the Fine Arts: Phyllis Stein
Philodendron (Book Titles)
Exotic Irish Plants: Phil O'Dendron
Philosopher (Two-Liners)
Cleaning your teeth makes you wise. A floss-opher.
Philosophically (Tom Swifties)
"I think I'll put new stuffing in that old settee," said Tom fill-a-sofa-cally.
Phlegmatic (Tom Swifties)
"I wonder what's causing this rasp in my voice," said Tom phlegmatically.
Physical (Two-Liners)
A man hit another on the head with a pop bottle, killing him. In court, the defendant claimed he was influenced by the song "Let's Get Fizzy-Kill".
Pi (Baked)
A mathematician's favourite food: Pie.
When I look at my digital watch and see it's 3:14:15, I know it's time for pie.
Pick (Measures)
When it comes to selecting a unit of volume, I never know which one to peck!
Pick Hardy (Europe: France)
Hardy wanted to be selected for the trip to northern France, so he shouted "Picardy!"
Pick On (Two-Liners)
The various anti-bullying initiatives are great, but not totally inclusive. Let's stop picking on fruit trees!
Pick Too (Canada)
Freddy got to pick apples! I want to Pictou!
Picks L (Computers)
She never picks m or n for her variables, she always pixel.
Pie (Greek Letters)
I'd like to have some apple pi for dessert.
"I brought the dessert," said Tom piously.
Pie Right (Geology)
At the circus, a clown threw a fake rock at another and got a pyrite in his face.
Piece Of (1) (Baked)
All I want is a pizza the action.
Piece Of (2) (Europe: Italy)
All I want is a Pisa the action.
Pieces (Fruits)
I dropped the ceramic apricot and it broke into a thousand peaches!
Pier Sing (Tom Swifties)
"I'm just sittin' on a dock of the bay...," Tom sang piercingly.
Pig Meant (Two-Liners)
"I loved my stuffed pig so much that I dyed it purple!" "I didn't know that pigment so much to you."
Piggy Bank (Book Titles: Good)
Save Your Money!: Peggy Bank
Pig's Tie (Jokes)
Where does one go to get neckwear that looks like bacon? A pigsty!
Pikachu (Jokes)
How do Pokémon sneeze? They say Pikachoo!
Pile It (Two-Liners)
People who fly airplanes are great at flattery. They really know how to pilot on.
Pilot Project (Expressions)
Could the work of the Wright brothers be considered a pilot project?
Pilots (Mathematics)
Why do mathematicians like airplanes? They use pi-lots.
Pine (Plants)
If a tree loses its neighbours, will it pine away from loneliness?
Pink Slip [for getting fired] (Hot Cross Puns)
What do you get when you cross a banana with a red silk dress? A pink slip.
Pinocchio (Pasta)
Gepetto first tried to make a boy out of dough, calling him Pi-gnocchi-o.
Pints (Measures)
A half-sized quartz watch is a pintz watch.
Piously (Tom Swifties)
"3.1415926 is a number made in Heaven," said Tom piously.
Pipe [programming] (Tom Swifties)
"|" Tom piped.
Pirate (Jokes)
What do you call 3.14 rats? One pirate.
Pirouette (One-Liners)
Is one of the dance steps in a water ballet a pirou-wet?
Pitchblende (Tom Swifties)
"Eating uranium can cause atomic ache," said Tom with a high-pitched voice. (Uranium is found in pitchblende, for those of you who find the antecedent a little obscure.)
Pitcher (Baseball)
Nothing beats the baseball field heat better than a tall cold pitcher of lemonade.
Pits Burg (USA)
Because of the big holes in the roads, the city was called Pittsburgh.
Placid[o Domingo] (Tom Swifties)
"I've just been lulled by the sound of the world's greatest tenor," said Tom placidly.
Plagiarize (Two-Liners)
Don't name a song "Jar-Eyes". In English, they teach you to never play Jar-Eyes.
Plain (Physical)
The flat grasslands are not fancy, they're plain.
"I'm going to sue my real estate agent for not warning me the prairies were so flat," said Tom plaintively.
Plan It (Astronomy)
If you want an astronomical experiment to succeed, you have to planet carefully.
Plane Lee (???) (Tom Swifties)
"Sailing on this lake is easy," said Tom plainly.
Plank (Physics)
This piece of wood is not a board, it is a Planck.
Plaque (Dentist)
The employee of the month at the dentist office gets a little plaque.
Plaster (Jokes)
What did the painter say to the wall? "One more crack and I'll plaster you!"
Plate [baseball] (Cannibals)
Cannibals and baseball make an interesting mix. You never know who'll wind up on home plate!
Platypus (One-Liners)
Give a cat a kilt and you'll have a plaidypuss.
Play Dough (One-Liners)
If a female deer were frisking and frolicking, would we call her Play Doe?
Play on Words (Misc)
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
Playing (Jokes)
Why did Willie Nelson get hit by a car? He was playing On The Road Again.
Plot Thickens (Expressions)
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.
Pluck (Tom Swifties)
"I practised three hours on my guitar," said Tom pluckily.
Plucky (One-Liners)
People who prepare poultry may not be brave, but they are plucky.
Plum Met (Redefinitions)
Plummet: A fruity encounter.
Plumb (Fruits)
Why are empty fruit stands crooked? Because they are out of plum.
Plus (Europe: Switzerland)
What's great about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
PO ["Piss Off"] (Chemistry)
Phosphates are annoying. They PO many of the elements.
Poached Eggs (Hot Cross Puns)
What do you get when you cross a dog with a chicken? A hen that lays pooched eggs.
Poe, a Tree (One-Liners)
If you ever see Edgar Allen Poe about to collide with a tree, warn him by yelling "Poetry!"
Poe-Shun (One-Liners)
I reject Edgar Allen and his ravens with a special drink - a potion.
Poetic (Tom Swifties)
"Nevermore will I read 'The Raven'," said Tom poetically.
Poetic Justice (Expressions)
Judge O'Malley liked to deliver his verdicts as sonnets, so he became known as the Poetic Justice.
Poetry (One-Liners)
"The Raven" is but one example of Edgar Allen Poetry.
Poetry in Motion (Expressions)
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Point [of ice pick] (Tom Swifties)
"Argh, I've just been stabbed with an ice pick," said Tom pointedly.
Point [stretching - expression] (Tom Swifties)
"It has zero height, zero width, and -- well, maybe I'll allow it to have a bit of depth," said Tom, stretching the point.
Point Out [expression] (Tom Swifties)
"The exit is right there," Tom pointed out.
Pointedly (Tom Swifties)
"Vertex!" said Tom pointedly.
Pointless (Expressions)
Attempting to write with a broken pencil is pointless.
"My pencil is dull," said Tom pointlessly.
Poise (Measures)
To be the "dancing measurer", you need lots of poise and coordination.
Polar Bear (Hot Cross Puns)
What do you get when you cross an Eskimo with a pig? A polar boar.
Pole (One-Liners)
I recently took a poll and 100% of people were annoyed when the tent collapsed.
Pole [North] (Europe)
If a person really likes the song "Top of the World", does it mean s/he has Polish ancestry?
Pole Vault (Jokes)
Where do track and field athletes keep their valuables? In a pole vault.
I thought a pole vault was something you find in a bank in Warsaw.
Policy (Book Titles)
Maritime Rules: Paula Seei
Policy Maker (Book Titles)
Corporate Regulations: Paula C. Maker
Political (Book Titles)
Laughing In The White House: Polly Tickle
Polly Gone (Mathematics)
An expression representing the loss of a parrot: Polygon.
Polly No Meal (Mathematics)
When the mathematician's parrot gets hungry, it turns into a polynomial.
Polyester (Book Titles)
Artificial Clothing: Polly Ester
Pomegranate (Fruits)
A rock-hard fruit is a pomegranite.
Pom-pom (Anatomy)
Cheerleaders with great hands are known as palm-pom girls.
Pond (Tom Swifties)
"Ah, what could be better than sitting by my miniature lake and listening to the wind blow through the tree leaves?" asked Tom ponderously.
Ponzi Scheme (One-Liners)
If a chess player were to set up a swindle, would it be called a pawnzi scheme?
Poo My (Animals)
When I see a cougar coming towards me, it makes me want to puma pants.
Poop On (Seasonings)
My friend spent a lot of time washing his car, only to put a blob of mustard on the hood. "If I put my Gray Poupon the car, maybe the birds won't," was his rationalization.
Poo-poo (Tom Swifties)
"Unlike other bears, mine does not crap in the woods!" Christopher Robin pooh-poohed.
Poor (Two-Liners)
My daughter is deciding between being a bartender and a barista for her career. I think they're both pour choices.
Pop (One-Liners)
Advice for fathers who play with balloons: "Don't drink, Pop."
Pop [soda] (Tom Swifties)
"Ack, there's no cola!" was the cry which popped out of Tom.
Pop Open (Undead)
When a zombie wakes up, do its eyes pop open?
Pop Quiz (Beverages)
We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
Pops (One-Liners)
When Larry went to clown college, he wanted to be called Bobo, but due to his spectacular failures with balloon animals, he was called Pops.
Popular (Plants)
Raising taxes while cutting services never makes a government poplar.
Porch (Cars)
I'll mix me a mint julep and sit out on the front Porsche and watch the world go by.
Porcupine (Hot Cross Puns)
What do you get when you cross a pig with a cactus? A porkerpine.
Pork Chops (Hot Cross Puns)
What do you get when you cross a ham with a karate expert? Pork chops.
Porterhouse (Book Titles)
How to Cook a Steak: Porter Housen
Portly (One-Liners)
The overweight guy got the nickname "Harbour" because he was portly.
Pose (Tom Swifties)
"To be a model or not to be," was the question Mary posed.
Posing (Europe: Germany)
It seems that all politicians are doing these days is Posen for pictures.
Positive (Expressions)
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure." The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
Possess (???) (Tom Swifties)
"Zzzz," said Tom possessively.
Post [horse racing] (Tom Swifties)
"Of course I can do the rising trot," was Tom's posted reply.
Posted (Two-Liners)
"What's the status of the mail?" "I'll keep you posted."
Postulant (Tom Swifties)
"That religious person couldn't have been on time," Tom postulated. (The pun is on "postulant".)
Pot Calls the Kettle Black (Jokes)
Why did the cows return to the marijuana field? It was the pot calling the cattle back.
Pot Luck (One-Liners)
Do people in the marijuana business throw pot-luck parties?
Potential (Physics)
"She has an average of 98% in all her Physics courses." "Yes, she has great potential."
Pots Dam (Europe: Germany)
Where would you be if you blocked a river with three huge turkey roasters? Potsdam.
Poultergeist (Jokes)
What's a haunted chicken? A poultry-geist
Pre-Caries (Tom Swifties)
"I haven't had any tooth decay YET," said Tom precariously.
Precedence [of math operations] (Tom Swifties)
"Multiplication before addition," said Tom, citing precedents.
Precipitation (Tom Swifties)
"Looks like rain," said Tom precipitously.
Pre-Cosh [math] (Tom Swifties)
"Since in this statement 'Y = COSH(X)', X is invariant, let's pre-compute Y before we enter the loop," said Tom precociously.
Pregnant (Tom Swifties)
"Oh dear, I forgot to take my pill," said Mary pregnantly.
Prepare (One-Liners)
A peeled apple that's ready to eat has been pre-pared for you.
Pre-Scent (Tom Swifties)
"There's no need to perfume this after purchase," said Tom during his presentation.
Present (Christmas)
"Why did you give me a clock for Christmas?" "Because there's no present like the time!"
Present [replacing r with l, language stereotype] (Tom Swifties)
"It's a gift from an Oriental friend," said Tom pleasantly.
Press Your Luck (Expressions)
Don't iron your rabbit's foot - you don't want to press your luck!
Pressed (Clothing)
"I can't stay long! I'm really pressed for time!"
Pressed and Ironed (Book Titles: Good)
Neat Shirts: Preston Ironed
Pressing (Two-Liners)
Dry cleaners are always busy. They have pressing business.
Pressure (Two-Liners)
I had to quite my job as a deep-sea diving instructor. The pressure was too much.
Presume (Tom Swifties)
"How about a quick one before the Indy 500?" Tom prezoomed to ask.
Pre-Ten [o'clock] (Tom Swifties)
"It's 9:59," said Tom pretentiously.
Pre-Tend (Tom Swifties)
"That's all been taken care of," Tom pretended.
Pretty Nuts [expression] (Two-Liners)
Police have reported a man going into local craft stores and dipping his testicles in glitter. It's pretty nuts.
Prey (Tom Swifties)
"I hope this is enough to feed my family," prayed the wolf.
Pride (Tom Swifties)
"I know what a bunch of lions is called," said Tom with pride.
Pride Cometh Before the Fall (Expressions)
We ought to rename summer "pride" because pride cometh before the fall.
Primate (One-Liners)
Your friend the crowbar is an ape because it's a pry mate.
Prince (Halifax)
Snow White at the photo shop: "Some day my Prince will come."
Principal (Money)
"It's not school that I hate, it's the principle of the thing."
Private (Military)
No peeking there! That's private!
"I've been demoted from corporal," said Tom privately.
Private Parts (Book Titles)
Keep 'Em That Way: Private Partsl
Pro Gram (Computers)
A person in favour of metric weights is program.
Pro Motion (Tom Swifties)
"I vote to move forward," said Tom promotionally.OK
Pro Motor (Tom Swifties)
"I support mechanization," said the promoter.
Pro Pain (Chemistry)
A chemistry prof in favour of torture is propane.
Pro Pose (Tom Swifties)
"Stand over there so I can take your picture," proposed Tom.
Pro Teen (Chemistry)
A chemistry teacher in favour of teenagers is protein.
Pro Ton (Physics)
Someone in favour of 2000-pound weights is proton.
Pro Tractor (One-Liners)
If you want to find the right angle to be in favour of farm machinery, you will need a protractor.
Pro Vocative [verb case] (Tom Swifties)
"Why shouldn't there be a special case for addressing people?" asked Tom provocatively.
Pro-Bing [Crosby] (Tom Swifties)
"Crosby is my favourite singer. Is he yours?" asked Tom probingly.
Problem (Tom Swifties)
"The roof is leaking again," said Tom problematically.
Profess (Tom Swifties)
"I teach at a university," Tom professed.
Profit (Misc)
Elijah could not work for charities because they are non-prophet organizations.*
Profits Through the Roof (Two-Liners)
I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.
Pro-Found (Tom Swifties)
"Ah, HERE's the silver lining!" said Tom profoundly.
Pro-Fuse (Tom Swifties)
"These @#$%*! circuit breakers!" swore Tom profusely.
Prognosis (Europe: Eastern)
"The Czech capital's economy will grow this year" is a good Prague-nosis.
Progressive Conservatives (One-Liners)
If Stephen Harper and his Tories changed their minds about legalizing marijuana, they could be called the Pro-Grassive Conservaties.
Project (Tom Swifties)
"This movie will be very popular," Tom projected.
Prom Miss (Tom Swifties)
"I'll take Mary to the dance," Tom promised.
Prompt [computers] (Tom Swifties)
"23% " replied Tom promptly.
Proper Gander (Tom Swifties)
"THIS is the real male goose," said Tom as he produced the propaganda.
Pros and Cons (Expressions)
I was dithering about experimenting to see which weighed more, a truck of books or 12 prison inmates. After weighing the prose and cons, I decided to go ahead with it.
Prune (Fruits)
The preferred fruit of the topiary artist is the prune.
Pseudo Ku (Redefinitions)
Sudoku: a false Ku. (I find this puzzling.)
Psi-Star [mathematics] (Tom Swifties)
"I'll never understand quantum mechanics," Tom sighed starrily.
Psoriasis (Jokes)
What's the link between a skin condition and eye drops? The skin condition is psoriasis and eye drops are a sore eye assist.
Psycho Graphic (Redefinitions)
I thought that "psychographic" referred to the new logo of the mental hospital. I guess I was wrong.
Psychopath (Jokes)
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
Psychosis (Book Titles)
Nuts about You!: Cy Cosis
Ptomaine [food poisoning] (Tom Swifties)
"It's usually just food poisoning," said Tom mainly.
Pub Crawl (Two-Liners)
Jazz singer Diana Krall once played at the Fox & Fiddle, the Bear & Firkin, and the Moose & Mansion. She called the mini-tour the "Pub Krall".
Puck (Hockey)
Robin Goodfellow never liked playing hockey, because he was always the Puck.
"I love hockey," said Tom puckishly.
Pulitzer Prize (One-Liners)
The author of "Astonished Chickens" won the Pullet Surprise.
Pull Hard (Book Titles)
Tug of War: Paul Hard
Pull It (Military)
If you can't push it, you must bullet.
Pull Off (Expressions)
I don't know why people have a problem with wigs. It's a look anyone can pull off.
Pumpkin Pie (Jokes)
What do you get when you divide the diameter of a jack-o-lantern by its circumference? Pumpkin Pi.
Pumps (Clothing)
"My boat is leaking!" "Use your shoes. After all, they're pumps."
Pun Intended (Two-Liners)
Pun enters a room and kills 10 people. Pun in, ten dead.
Pun Jab (India)
If someone hits me after I tell a Geography joke, I would call it a Punjab.
Punch (One-Liners)
I wonder if Muhammad Ali's favourite drink and magazine was Punch?
Punch [expression] (Tom Swifties)
"Oh boy, I'm head of the refreshment committee!" said Tom, pleased as punch.
Pungent (One-Liners)
My word play stinks because I am a pun gent.
Pup in Da Cooler (Mathematics)
A dog sitting in a refrigerator: Perpendicular.
Pupils (Misc)
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
Purple (Europe: Eastern)
I wonder if the favourite colour of Polish cat lovers is pur-Pole?
Why aren't police paddy-wagons painted "perp"le? A cat's favourite colour is purrple.
Purple Rain (Jokes)
For Halloween, I will get a brain gelatine mold, fill it with grape Jello, and dedicate it to Prince. It'll be a Purple Brain.
Purpose (Animals)
Pity the ex-mariner, now without any porpoise in life.
Purse (Australasia)
A Geography student turned into a petty crook-- a Perth snatcher.
Put on Hold (Expressions)
My career as a switchboard operator was put on hold.
Puts Food on the Table (Expressions)
Some people say being a waiter is a bad job, but it puts food on the table.
Putting on Airs (Expressions)
Why are people involved with royal successions always so snooty? Because they're all about putting on heirs.
Putting on the Ritz (Golf)
A green at an ultra-posh golf resort was so fancy that it got dubbed "The Ritz". The Management was Not Impressed when the patrons began singing and dancing "Putting on the Ritz."
If I dip a Ritz cracker into chocolate pudding, should I sing "Puddin' on the Ritz"?
Puzzle (Tom Swifties)
"I don't know what's wrong with the jigsaw," puzzled Tom.OK
Pyra Knees (Europe)
A group of mountaineers has three sets of knees, their left knees, their right knees and their Pyranees.
Pyromaniac (One-Liners)
If I get hot throwing pies at people who are using oars, does that make me a pyromaniac?
Qualify (Animals)
"I want to study animals in Australia!" "Fill out this form to see if you Koala-fy for a government grant!"
Quality (Animals)
Steep some eucalyptus leaves in hot water to get a high koala-tea drink.
Quarter (Money)
"Here's 25 cents. Now you can't say I give no quarter in my business deals."
Quarter Back (Football)
I loaned you 25 cents last week. I want my Quarterback right now.
Quartet (Music)
A female quart: Quartette.
Quarts (Geology)
There are four quartz to the gallon.
Quaver [music] (Tom Swifties)
"I have to sing a run of eighth-notes," said Tom quaveringly.
Queasy (One-Liners)
I think that I'm a good cook, but others claim that I put the queasy in cuisine.
Queer (Tom Swifties)
"Hi sailor, new in town?" Tom queried.
Quercus [Latin name for oak]?? (Tom Swifties)
"I had to hide my acorns," said Chris querulously.
Quest (Tom Swifties)
"Why would anyone want to play a role-playing game?" Tom questioned.
Quibble (Tom Swifties)
"That quadruplet doesn't seem to get along with his brothers and sister," said Tom quibblingly.
Quicks (Tom Swifties)
"This is the fastest way to get drunk," said Tom quixotically.
Quicksilver (Tom Swifties)
"Be careful with that silver stuff. It's mercury!" said Tom quickly.
Quill & Quire (One-Liners)
Is the literary magazine for singers Quill & Choir?
Quinn Pool (Halifax)
Where does Mr. Quinn do his swimming? In the Quinpool.
Quintessence (Book Titles)
The Very Model of a Modern Major General: Quinn TessenceJG
Quintuplet (Book Titles)
Third of Five: Quinn Tuplet

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