Pun Dictionary

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October 23, 2025
A If I could form a punk rock band, I'd have our first record named "Only Butt" because it's an album.
B What dessert comes from musical volcanoes? Bach lava.
B Why are there no vampires in Africa? Because holy water kills them, and They Bless the Rains in Africa.
C Whoever came up with "A penny for your thoughts", "Don't nickel and dime me", and "Another day, another dollar" sure knew how to coin a phrase.
D The art book I bought did not include a final chapter. You draw your own conclusion.
F I tried to steal a fencing sword, but was foiled.
PQ When can margarine be used as a floor covering? When it's Parkay. (Note the wooden delivery of the joke.)
S "Do you want some more hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
S Avoid dangerous cults. Practice safe sects.
S Never tell a taxidermist to get stuffed.

September 2, 2025
C The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free. But the bull charges.
F If I need to install linoleum with a floral pattern, should I call a florist?
K I designed a toilet shaped like a large lizard and called it the Commode-o Dragon.
N People who are always on the move aren't angry because they're nomads.
PQ I asked my doctor if there was anything I could take for my kleptomania. Sadly, he's not aware of a pilfer that.

August 3, 2025
B "Bro, do you want this pamphlet?" "Bro, sure."
C The Minotaur was the first cowboy.
R A rap group decided to call themselves 'Criminal' so that when they release an album it can be a Criminal Record.
S What did the left eye say to the right eye? "Between you and me, something smells."
VZ What do you call a librarian with a sunburn? Well-read.

July 6, 2025
A The florist didn't have the right flowers, so we had to make other arrangements.
A The problem that seniors have with gardening is that it's at ground level.^MS
B If I set off an explosion with a leg bone, I'll go to Hell. Heaven doesn't want blast femurs.
C What's the best way to encourage an electrician? Say "You conduit!"
H Where does a knight go to buy a suit of armor? A hardware store.
M If a cattle rancher wants to put on a dress, should she select a muumuu?
M When you are barbecuing, be careful where you drop the wood or you'll get mesquite toes.
O I found a recipe from Morocco for dinner rolls. It called for fresh thyme, but mine wasn't, and I really liked those old thyme Moroccan rolls.
TU I bought myself a first aid kit. I thought I'd treat myself.
TU Leg bones in the Roun-Noranda region are called Abitibias.

May 24, 2025
A My Honda Accord was struck by lightning and acquired a positive charge. Then it started playing music. It had become and Accord-ion.
C I lost my mountaineering textbook. Now all I have is Cliff Notes.
H A person wearing a green outfit with pointed ears and driving a hearse will always be female, because she's a hearse-elf.
S I once asked a woman for a date and she said that my face looked like the back of a boat. I said nothing, but gave her a stern look.
VZ If there's any band that will do a COPD benefit concert, it's Weezer.

April 17, 2025
F He wasn't the best lumberjack, but he was a decent feller.
F There's a movie about a hardware store that gives away key duplicates on Fridays. It's called Free Key Friday.
PQ My girlfriend wrote on a balloon: "Will you propose to me?" "I quickly popped the question."
R Viking writers didn't do a good job. They'd rune manuscripts.
S I told my wife that I thought that our kids were spoiled. She said they all smell like that.
S Yoga practitioners are great at carrying injured people, since they are stretchers.
TU I am too busy to eat a clock. It's too time-consuming and I really don't want seconds.

March 15, 2025
B "I can't get any breaks!" is not what you want to say when you're driving.
D When an idiot swears, he's in Syria because it's a dumb-ass cuss.
L I haven't kept my subscription to Scrabble Club. Now they're sending me threatening letters.
S A comedian faced down a bully because someone told him to standup for himself.
TU Now for our next band, please welcome The Subtractions. Take it away, boys!

January 11, 2025
F I do well at origami competitions because I fold under pressure.
F When dentists go on vacation, do they need someone filling in for them?
K If a comedian's show goes down in flames, does it get called comic-kaze?
TU "I built a model of Mount Everest." "Is it to scale?" "No, it's to look at."
TU When a boxer was asked about the secret of his 10-0 record, he replied "I make my socks out of underwear. That way I will always be undie-feeted."

January 1, 2025
A When is a boat like snow? When it's a drift.
H "We archeologists can't be named or be married to anyone named Edith." "Why?" "Because we can't have archaic and Edith too."
L Putting my hair in a bun is a prerequisite for losing weight with a loaf hat diet.
L How can you tell that grasshoppers are poor? They live in locust housing.
PQ What was the politest dinosaur? The Plesiosaur.

November 15, 2024
B Think of the effort I could save by buying birthday candles at a blow-out sale.
C I tried to walk like an Egyptian, but now I need to see a Cairo practor.
E Supervillains shouldn't be upset when their doomsday devices don't work. It's not the end of the world.
F I don't have a 'dad bod', I have a 'father figure'.
H I Grow Basil and Oregano: Herb Gardiner
I The favourite Beatles song of lizards is 'Iguana Hold Your Hand'.
L I was feeling lonely, so I started a small business. Now I have a little company.
PQ Neil Diamond was named Neil Cole until the pressure got to him.
PQ Why do football players make terrible pilots? They always break the plane before a touchdown.
R I got my son an alarm clock that swears at him instead of beeping. He's in for a rude awakening.

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Sonny Scott, Linda Lew, Owen Kaminoff, Jacob Adler.