Pun Dictionary

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September 21, 2023
S Before Thing got his role in the Addams Family, he was a stagehand. [Note: "Thing" was a disembodied hand.]

September 14, 2023
A "Why can't I kill any of those Rebel scum?" asked Tom the Stormtrooper aimlessly.
D The movie Speed (1994) incorrectly credits Jan de Bonts as director. If Speed had had any direction, it would have been called Velocity.
M If I could choose to have a super power, it would be invisibility. I just want to make myself clear.
S When a hairdresser is in a hurry, does she take shortcuts?

July 8, 2023
C I used a leafy vegetable to make wine. I call it Chard-onnay.
C There is a new breakfast cereal out for mathematicians called Toasty Numerals. It's for people who like crunching numbers.
C What do you get when you cross a soft drink with a car? Coca-Corolla.
I If this dress isn't right for you, it sarong.
R The Kraken: I'd like to renew my apartment lease, please. Landlord: Re-lease the Kraken!

May 20, 2023
B Why did the deer go to the orthodontist? He had buck teeth.
C To the thief who took my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.
H Why did the Mexican take anxiety medication? To help deal with Hispanic attacks.
I "I think that you have a deep-seated fear of marriage. Do you know the symptoms." "I can't say I do." "Well, that's one of them."
PQ I met my friend at the Arbor Day celebration. We exchanged pleasant trees.

April 30, 2023
F I have a fear of giants: Feefiphobia.
PQ I'm having trouble learning the piano. It's a hard instrument to pick up.
R I had to close my store that sold boomerangs. There were too many returns.
S I have a step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
S The user manual for the ladder was actually a step-by-step guide. It's perfect for social climbers.

April 24, 2023
B My kid didn't know how to get on an airplane, so we sent him to boarding school.
B Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys.
C I married a chess grandmaster from Prague and got a Czech mate.
L I dreamed that I was running around a forest cutting down trees. Does this mean that I'm a slumberjack?
O Would a cereal killer be an oatlaw?
R I started a revival band called The Defibrillators.
R What shape is found in messed-up junkyards? Wreck tangles.
S The English language contains many phrases borrowed from French, like hors d'oeuvres. And that's just for starters.
TU Nothing tops a plain pizza.

April 4, 2023
C What do snowmen call their kids? Chill-dren.
F The Chemistry Nightclub has a cover charge when there are entertainers, but it's freon nights when there aren't.
H If a zombie is feeling sympathetic towards some people, does his heart go out to them?
H Is it only me who would say that baldness is hair-edit-ary?
H Someone threw a jar of mayonnaise at me. I said, "What the Hellman?" I wonder if he was from the Mayo Clinic.
I With all their praying, what religion are mantises? It varies; they're all in sects.
S Clark Kent lost a custody battle for his kids. Now he can only see them with super vision.
S My boss doesn’t like formal titles and said he’d fine us a quarter if we used a title on him. It’s going to be a Sir charge.
S Why did the reporter interview a tub of ice cream? She was looking for the next big scoop.
VZ When I first heard about the play "Inherit the Wind", I thought that it was about the genetics of flatulence.

February 25, 2023
B In what key do cows sing? Beef flat.
D What do you call James Bond taking a bath? Bubble 07.
N Why do they call it a pretzel? Because it's knot bread. Yes, this joke is a bit twisted.
PQ What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A Fizz-ician.
R I decided to start a craft beer brewery and name the product "Revenge" because Revenge is best served cold.

February 9, 2023
D Despite the cartoonist's claim of being retired, she was able to draw a crowd wherever she went.
I I've been secretly plotting with Peruvian owls. We're Inca hoots.
N I have a bird cage made out of aluminum, not nickel. It's a nickeless cage.
R The Borg in Star Trek believe in superconductors: "Resistance is futile."
S NASCAR started a racing league for electric cars. People aren't charged up about it because it's a short circuit.

January 24, 2023
A Advertisers will place ads anywhere, even on promotional glue guns. They say "Put your adhere!"
B I predict that the movie I'm making about building a bra out of Lego will be a blockbuster.
C You may never find a candy muskox or candy moose in Montréal's South Shore, but you will always find a Candiac.
E In algebra, never let x = 10 or you'' have an existential crisis.
I Why do people who are washing dishes work so well together? Because they are in sink with each other.
M The only dress that will fit on a cow is a muumuu.
M When a girl selling matches got caught in a downpour, she sought shelter under an awning. It was a match maiden heaven.
N Bernard Cornwell has written a large number of historical fiction novels featuring Richard Sharpe. They are full of action and excitement, and little wonder, since there's never a dull moment when Sharpe is around!
S The neighbours' goat unlatched the gate and let all the cows and horses out. We blamed the escapegoat.
VZ I'm starting a DNA analysis company for Indiana residents called Hoosier Daddy.

January 1, 2023
B Why do all of my hat jokes get beret-ed?
C Much is known about the ancient Mayan city of Chichen Itza. Less is known of one of its suburbs, Chichen Chong, which produced charcoal and blew a lot of smoke.
C The correct way to spell "hats" is HATS because it's all caps.
D I could not find a singing partner so I bought a duet-yourself kit.
I I no longer bother to tell people my New Year's resolutions. They just go in one year and out the other.
L Square root of -4 = 2. For mathematicians, it's all fun and games until someone loses an i.
O When people go to the back country to ski off mountain tops, do they look for discounts for off-peak days?
S Elf: "Why are Dasher and Dancer always taking coffee breaks?" Santa: "They are my star bucks."
S Whoever came up with the word 'dentures' missed out on calling them 'substitooths'.
TU Why do railway cars travel in straight lines? That is what they are trained to do.

November 10, 2022
L Do zombies do the limb-o dance at parties?
D An armed man ran into a realtor's office and yelled "Don't move!"
PQ I am certain that my literary and erudite description of the "tug my finger" joke will win the Pull It Surprise.
O "How would you rate the movie 'Book of Blood'?" "Oh, positively."
C It's only a murder of crows if there is probable caws.
O The Grim Reaper's tool is great, no matter how big he is, because one scythe fits all.
A Who wears the Darth Vader costume in the stores? Manikin Skywalker.
VZ One time at the hoagie shop, the actress Ms. O’Hara asked what the tiny pimiento-stuffed thing in my cheddar-bread sandwich was and I had to respond, “Wee olive in a yellow sub, Maureen."
I I'm looking at taking up origami as a hobby. My interest in it is in creasing.
N They mocked me when I said I wanted to be a comedian. I got into the business anyway, and no one is laughing now.

October 10, 2022
B "Waiter, what is this?" "It's bean soup, sir." "I don't care what it's been, what is it now?"
B If my carpet gets heavily soiled, should I call it broadloam?
C Where should one keep seahorses? A corral reef.
L Tis better to have loved a short person than never to have loved a tall.
M "I don't understand cloning." "That makes two of us."
PQ A person in Bucharest who is overly fond of burning pies made from lettuce has pyromania.
R The country that grows the most lettuce per capita is Romania.
S Forest rangers shoot grizzly bears with sedative darts before approaching them because there's safety in numb bears.
S In the old days, people used to tie lanterns to their horses to help them see at night. It was the first form of saddle light navigation.
S What fabric should pants be made from? Satin.

September 13, 2022
A I wonder if young pirates in love say, "I love you just the way you arrrr."?
C Computer: choose a password. Me: hi-hat. Computer: password cannot contain symbols.
C I wanted my accountant to record my business on a cash basis, but he refused, saying that it's accrual world.
G When it comes to New Mexico outlaws, Billy the Kid was the GOAT.
H What did the man say after he was swatted by a bear? "It ursa lot."
I A person once bought a used school bus and turned it into a mobile tattoo shop. He called it the "Ink You Bus" and gave demon-strations.
M What happened when a purple ship collided with a rusty red ship? The survivors were marooned.
N Why are horses so negative? They are neigh sayers.
PQ The prospect of getting a new container for my arrows has me quivering with excitement.
PQ When at the pharmacy collecting some pills, I held the little bag and said to it, "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" To the pharmacy person, I asked "Is this the way to pick up my prescription?"
R The movie Dracula is revamped, not rebooted.
S If there are any guitarists out there who want to know the secret of making their music sound better, stay tuned.
S My wife was getting annoyed by her job sewing things. I said to her, "You seamstressed." She replied "It's because I feel hemmed in."
TU I need to check my bank account before paying the bill at a restaurant so that I can tip without losing my balance.
VZ Why did the astrophysicist go digging in the dirt? She was looking for wormholes.

August 15, 2022
B On May 1, I like to be extra cautious and wear suspenders as well as my belt, because I'm a Beltane suspenders guy.
B One tune never to whistle while you are on the golf course is "Colonel Bogey".
B The musical that most appeals to golfers who make bad shots is "Bye-Bye Birdie".
C An arborist who is bad at golf could be called a wood chipper.
C Harry Potter can't tell the difference between his best friend and his cooking pot. They're both cauldron.
C Optometrists refer to waterfalls as cataracts.
C The doctor asked me if I had symptoms of Mailman's Disease and I told him "No, I'm just a carrier."
E "I can see myself getting two under par on this hole," said Tom, eagle-eyed.
E The farmer was so pleased with his new cornfield that he walked the length of it, grinning from ear to ear.
J Marijuana Osteopathic Surgeons, Inc. is a joint operation.
N What do nervous carpenters do? They bite their nails.
PQ I heard of a band of crocodiles who sing parody songs. They're a pun croc band.
S An exotic dancer who incorporated removing body paint into her routine called herself the paint stripper.
TU Egyptian pyramid builders were good, but only up to a point.
TU I wonder if a gift of marijuana cigarettes for a job well done is a token of appreciation?

July 28, 2022
B The apiarist left his job, if you can bee leave it.
C My friend works at a police station drawing sketches of suspects. She's a con artist.
C There's no such thing as free fishing lessons. There's always a catch.
E I told my therapist that I sometimes feel like my life is a TV show. He told me to let him know if I have any more episodes.
H Does one make fun of pigs while lying in a ham-mock?
I I, for one, like Roman numerals.
M Although Mom was very fond of her volcanology periodicals, she'd erupt if you called her "Mag-ma".
M Did you hear about the Catholic service that was disrupted when a hymn was replaced by a Def Leppard song? It caused a case of Mass Hysteria.
S My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
TU Chickens now hire a sheep to ride across the road. They call the service 'ewe'ber.

July 12, 2022
A When I learned what a labyrinth was, I was astonished. It's what a maze meant.
M There is more to a telescope than meets the eye.
N I could win the Laziness Olympics with no effort at all.
PQ Fake Names in the Fabric Industry: Sue Denim
R A woman slammed her boat into the boat of the man who cut her off. It’s a clear case of rowed rage.
S Using banana peels for horseshoes will always give slipshod results.
S Who is the patron saint of copying people on emails? St. Francis of A CC.
S Who is the patron saint of weaklings? St. Francis of A Sissy.
TU Last night I dreamed that I had to make a thousand pancakes. I was tossing and turning all night long.
VZ An important part of a healthy diet of fish is Vitamin Sea.

Contributors

Sonny Scott, Linda Lew, Owen Kaminoff, Jacob Adler.