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Puns by Category index page.
The entire Pun Dictionary as a PDF document to read and enjoy!
June 26, 2022
B I don't know why Marvel doesn't use the Hulk to advertise more. He's essentially one big banner.
B Justin Bieber should set up a craft brewery and call its product Bie-beer.
B When geologists season their mutton, they use baa-salt.
C A fraudulent winter carnival is edible because it's a chilly con carney.
C Did you hear about the man who helped escaped criminals in Prague hide from the police? He was arrested for caching bad Czechs.
G My Grandma always used to say, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." I don't know if that's true, or just one of Granny's myths.
H When I encountered my friend Vera in a garden center, I greeted her with "Aloe, Vera!"
I I've always wondered why one must be an adult in order to serve in the infant-ry.
M If Charles Mann were to write a biography of Harold Town, he could call it "Mann About Town".
VZ Would two tornado chasers get married after a whirlwind romance?
May 20, 2022
C If you must listen to music while fishing, make it something with a catchy hook.
D Which book did the ventriloquist read to train himself? Ventriloquism for Dummies.
G When a group of foodies got together to advocate for longer prison terms for crimes, they became known as the Gluttons for Punishment.
H My pirate friend has taken up boxing. You should see his right hook.
K "You are a terrible train driver! How many trains have you derailed this year?" "I don't know, it's hard to keep track!"
L Two skunks wandered into a church service and said "Let us spray."
M "Mr. Reynolds, would you care to say a few words?" "Plethora." "Thanks, that means a lot."
M "Mr. Reynolds, would you care to say a few words?" "To allocate for a special purpose." "Thanks, that means allot."
M Filmmakers in Newcastle, UK, decided to make a Western-style movie about the discovery of shellfish in the local river. It will be called "My Darling Clam-in-Tyne".
M Is pig iron made from meaty ore?
PQ My favourite allergy song is "Blowin' in the Wind" by Peter Pollen Mary
PQ What's one way of getting forcibly escorted from a garden centre? Asking for a bag of dehydrated plums so that you can do some pruning.
R Did you hear about the guy who got shot with a starter pistol? I'm betting that it was race-related.
R How does Spiderman come up with such witty comebacks? With great power comes great response ability.
R My eyes are more spacious when they are rheumy.
R Where is the best place to buy Pin-the-Tail-on-the-Donkey party games? A retail store.
S After the chef became a master of Turkish cuisine, he became known as Sultan Pepper.
S Al Pacino has a new movie about a Cuban man who wins the World Knitting Championship. It's called Scarf Ace.
S Dressing as a cowboy for Halloween was a spur-of-the-moment decision.
TU I entered the Kleptomania Championship. I took gold, silver, and bronze.
March 29, 2022
A "How much would it cost to buy a singing ensemble?" "You mean 'a choir'?" "Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?"
A "It weighs one-sixteenth of an pound," Tom announced.
A I accidentally sprayed some deodorant in my mouth. Now I speak with a weird Axe scent.
B "Do you want a box for these leftovers?" "No, but I'll wrestle you for them."
C I went to a strip club called Garlic. It's where people take their cloves off.
C The taxidermist mounted the wrong end of the lion that the big game hunter had killed. It was a cat ass trophy.
C What did one wall say to the other? "I'll meet you at the corner."
C When a knight in Prague dons his armour, does it mean that the Czech is in the mail?
C Why are piggy banks so wise? Because they are filled with common cents.
D Did you know that the pupils are the last thing to stop moving when you cease living? Yes, they dilate.
D Where do you take your boat when it gets sick? The boat dock.
E Chemists, and lately physicists, have discovered many elements, but have yet to find the Element of Surprise.
F My dad always told me, "Don't be quick to find faults." Good man, terrible geologist.
H The newest entry into the world of fast-food cuisine is the haute dog.
H What is the basic unit of measurement for laryngitis? One hoarsepower.
I One linear foot of small birds = 12 finches.
J "Revenge is a dish best served cold." If it were served warm, it would be just water.
L What's the least spoken language? Sign language.
M A Reaction to Your Absence: Mrs. Yu
M For snowmen, badly losing your temper could be fatal because it would be a meltdown.
M Fred thinks tranquilizers keep him from overacting, but they make him mellow dramatic instead.
M What make a man age? A manager.
N Did you hear about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit.
N I asked my dog what two minus two is, and he said nothing.
O A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
PQ What's similar between a tick and the Eiffel Tower? One is a parasite, the other is a Paris site.
S I don't trust those trees. They seem rather shady.
S Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas.
S What do mathematicians use at protest rallies? Sine waves.
S What's the shortest distance between two jokes? A straight line.
TU I met a guy from Taiwan recently. He was really high-strung, definitely a Taipei personality.
TU I used to be a personal trainer, but I quit after giving my too weak notice.
TU Where is the best place in New York City to buy watches and clocks? Times Square.
VZ A man walked into a bar and was disqualified from the limbo contest.
VZ Did you hear about the farmer who drove a flock of sheep through town and got a ticket for making a ewe turn?
VZ Why don't pirates bathe before walking the plank? Because they wash up on shore.
February 19, 2022
A Brontophobia is the fear of thunder. Maybe we should call it bang-ziety?
A In which American state do people sneeze a lot? Mass-achu-setts.
C For chemists, broken bones tend to be compound fractures.
C The first time that I saw a Universal Remote Control, I said, "Wow, this changes everything."
D When does Dr. Jekyll get thirsty? When he's de-Hyde-rated.
L The head honchos of Komedy Klub wanted to issues shares and go public, but were advised against it. Nobody wants to be associated with a laughing stock.
PQ We're making a TV show on people who fly airplanes. We're currently filming the pilot.
S A warrior went to the tribe's shaman complaining of a headache, and the shaman gave him a leather thong to chew on, promising that he would be better when it was finished. A few days later, the warrior returned and complained that he was still feeling sick. "The thong is finished, but the malady lingers on."
S Can He Do It?: Cherie Khan
S What did the French groundhog see on February 2nd? His chateau.
January 12, 2022
A With what do monkeys shoot down airplanes? A macaque gun.
C A series of university lectures on hydrology could be called the "Water Course".
I Someone asked me what the ninth letter of the alphabet is. It was a total guess, but I was right.
K When Scots undress, they also become unbalanced because they're off-kilter.
O Why does Santa not have to pay for parking? Because it's on the house.
PQ Since the guy in the Spiderman suit does all sorts of acrobatic leaping and climbing, his name should be Peter Parkour.
PQ Who better to write a pop song about quiche than Kesha?
S I didn't think that I needed orthopedic shoes, but now I stand corrected.
S I was surprised to learn that Bob Saget was born on May 17, and thus is a Taurus. I'd thought he'd have been a Sagittarius.
S The movie "Querying the Database 2" was a totally unnecessary SQL. (For "normal" people, SQL is pronounced "Sequel".)
December 21, 2021
C Adding Flaming Decals to Vehicles: Carson Fire
M I just invented a thought-controlled air freshener. It's not illogical, it makes scents when you think about it.
H When cannibals play cards, they deal hands.
S I heard Marvel Comics is the new main sponsor of the NHL. The champion now gets the Stan Lee Cup.
G "Yes, I love money!" Tom agreed.
C In Greek mythology, Chiron was not only half-human and half-horse, but also a doctor of medicine. This made him a Centaur of Disease Control.
N I have to work late at the museum, moving suits of armour. I hate knight shifts.
PQ At an Agricultural Fair, I passed by a farmer who was proudly standing next to his prize-winning ewe named Princess. My suggestion of calling her the Queen of She-baa was not well received, as the farmer tried to ram his fist into my head.
November 25, 2021
A At Last, Thanksgiving Dinner Is Over: Emile Eden
B When a wind instrument player flubs a note, do we say that he blew it?
D I only paid $2 for this handful of herbs. It's a great dill.
E Nuns tend to gather in groups of two pairs due to fours of habit.
E When I see a sign on a bin that says "Empty When Full", I always wonder how something can be empty when it's full?
F Very runny glue is fast paste.
F What do nuclear scientists like to eat? Fission chips.
G A vegan once told me that people who sell meat are disgusting. I told him that people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.
H Can ghosts get sick with the hauntavirus?
N What do you call a Viking that is full of himself? A Norse-icisst.
O When a hospital is out of commission due to a power failure, it's non-operational.
PQ If your nose was on strike, would you picket?
PQ What does a farmer use to tune her piano? A pitch fork.
R Why are jockeys so focused on the well-being of their horses? Their careers are riding on them.
S I've seen "Low Rider" cars and pickup trucks that are jacked up to the sky. Both require a suspension of disbelief.
S The new optometric clinic is beautiful. It's a site for sore eyes.
S The quality of dad jokes is measured with a sighsmograph.
S What did the skeleton bring to the Halloween pot-luck? Spare ribs.
S When a witch is proof-reading, is she doing a spell check?
TU I just bought a reversible jacket. I'm excited to see how it turns out.
VZ I found out that my wife is a ghost. I had my suspicions from the moment she walked through the door.
October 7, 2021
B When traffic cops pull over a U-Haul, they are dancing because they're busting a move.
C Serving Food and Drinks at Parties: Kate Turing
F Do apple pickers get to enjoy the fruits of their labours?
G What's a monster's favourite lubricant? Gargoil.
R In Britain they call it a "lift". In North America, it's called an "elevator". I guess that they're raised differently.
TU A century ago, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Now everyone owns a car and only the rich own horses. The stables have turned.
September 14, 2021
B The house of worship dedicated to Saint Herb is probably a basil-ica.
C If a golfer needs to find an assistant, a good place to start looking is Cádiz.
C The best place for golfers in Spain to find an assistant is Cádiz.
C Vampires aren't very good at math, unless you Count Dracula.
D Why don't lute players ever perform in pairs? The sound would become diluted.
E A long letter in Santa's in-basket
Made him feel like he would blow a gasket.
"You shouldn't feel blue,
If I say that you
Should not put all your begs in one ask-it."
E Why did the archaeopteryx catch the worm? Because it was an early bird.
G We applaud puppets by giving them a hand.
M I adopted a dog from a blacksmith. As soon as I got home, he made a bolt for the door.
M Life in the Army: Millie Terry and Reggie Mantle
PQ I came up with a complex striptease routine, but I don't know if I can pull it off.
R "I'll dig another ditch around the castle," said Tom remotely.
R Fundraising: Ray Samani
R I went into Starbucks the other day and asked for their mildest roast. The barista said “You have very average ears”
R Why do rebels like revolving doors? Because they're revolutionary.
VZ Where do vegetarians eat their dinner? At the vege-table.
August 8, 2021
A What kind of time isn't free? A loan time.
C Did you hear about the explosion at a clothing store? There were casual tees everywhere.
C If A is for Apple and B is for Banana then what is C for? A Plastic Explosive.
C What's a rooster's favourite alcoholic drink? A cocktail.
E A French customs officer confiscated my crate of snails. Now I have less cargo.
F Why did the stadium get hot? Because all the fans left.
G Emile Zola's mythical monster Halloween costume was really cheesy because he became a Gorgonzola.
I When Is Christmas?: Cindy Sember
K No matter how kind you are, German kids are Kinder.
O If marriage becomes illegal, only outlaws will have in-laws.
PQ Where do bad rainbows go? Prism. It's a light sentence.
S A lady whose last name is Heard,
Once told me "This is not absurd:
I am very keen
To marry Ken Zeen
So I can be Zeen and not Heard!"
S I just drew a bad self-portrait. That is so unlike me.
S Lisping chemists apologize with Thorium.
S Mediocre needlework is so-sewing.
S What do you call a yam in a hotel? A suite potato.
TU I just ate a dictionary. It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
TU I wonder if corrupt judo athletes throw their matches.
TU If you are on a vacation, avoid any attraction called "Handcuffs". It's a two-wrist trap.
VZ The worst motel I've ever stayed in was called The Fiddle. It was a vile inn.
July 24, 2021
A What's the most aggressive type of fish? Assault water fish.
B A really good soup makes me want to bake bisque-its.
C My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I'm camping, I won't be covered.
F The amusement park ride had to be made of iron because it was a ferrous wheel.
G Jokes told in Sign Language are jest-iculations.
G My friend couldn't pay his water bill, so I sent him a "Get Well Soon" card.
K I like being a clockmaker. I can keep my own hours.
M Why aren't gardeners more wealthy? They can make a mint anytime they want.
N I know a lot of jokes in sign language. And I guarantee you that nobody has ever heard them.
N When I first heard about the TV show The Flying Nun, I thought that it was about the Mitsubishi Zero.
R Where did the cybercriminals go? I don't know, they ransomeware.
S A really strong person who makes broths and chowders can be called Souperman.
TU I have never seen a restaurant offer a "Chuck Norris burger" for takeout. Maybe that's because you don't take out a Chuck Norris burger, it takes out you. Its Secret Sauce also has quite a kick.
TU You can tell that poltergeists manufactured faucets when they were alive because of all the taps they make now.
June 20, 2021
F While taking the pilot's exam, she flew through a rainbow and passed with flying colours.
G Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.
H "I'm addicted to buying Beatles albums." "It sounds like you need help." "No thanks, I already have that one."
M I got a job in a factory making plastic Draculas. There are only two of us and it's time-sensitive, so I have to make every second count.
O What did one plate say to the other? "Tonight, dinner's on me."
PQ How much does a rainbow weigh? Not much. It's pretty light.
S I just read in the newspaper that someone pickpocketed a dwarf. How could anyone stoop so low?
S When the surgeon told a joke, I was left in stitches.
TU I bought a wig for a dollar. It was a small price toupée.
TU You probably shouldn't buy eggs at an "unbeatable price".
Sonny Scott, Linda Lew, Owen Kaminoff, Jacob Adler.
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