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June 15, 2019:
B A bull works out at the gym to become a buff fellow.
B A fancy little shop specializing in marine supplies is a boatique.
B Ghosts like to do their shopping in bootiques.
B New info on the Monarch of the Donkeys is bray king news.
B The location of a plastic bag recycling station can be marked by a character from The Jungle Books: Bagheera.
C The favourite ships of barbers and hairstylists are clippers.
C When negotiators go to the fair, do they avoid the concession stands?
C When the shocked IRS agent was convicted of tax evasion, he had to take time to collect himself.
D Kate named her clone Dupli Kate.
E If Brutus had dressed up as a ballerina, Julius Caesar might have said "Et tutu, Brute?"
E Is a lion's mistake an erroar?
G A good place to shop for fancy footwear is a bootique.
H The American city of colours is Hueston.
H When the wind kept blowing off his toupée, the ornithologist said "I can't keep my heron!"
J "I Cleaned Up This Town!": Janet Orr
S Can David cause mischief with Japanese throwing knives? Shuriken.
S Can I make more bad Jungle Books jokes? I Shere Khan!
TU Ballerinas are very quiet because they're always tiptoeing around.
TU Bono and The Edge walk into a bar. The barkeep says "Not you two again!"
TU How do you stop a dog from eating your books? Take the words out of his mouth.
TU I accidentally glued myself to my autobiography. No one believes me, but that's my story and I'm sticking to it.
May 30, 2019:
A Androginous: when all hard liquors look the same.
A Bird watching is oriole great outdoors activity.
A The colour of rage is angreen.
B Birders dislike golfers because of their desires to get birdies and eagles.
B I've started investing in stocks: beef, chicken, and vegetable. Someday I hope to be a bouillonaire.
B The Birdwatcher's Convention was all decked out with paper streamers and bunting.
B When airplane manufacturers are on pogo sticks, they say "Boeing, Boeing, Boeing!"
C Baseball umpires are also social reformers because they keep calling people out for stuff they do.
C People who work for passenger bus and train companies should be great at sports. Look at all the coaches they have to work with!
C What vegetable helps you to play snooker? A pool cucumber.
D Do artists who sketch store their supplies in drawers?
D If Emma found herself in a pickle, would that be a form of dilemma for her?
E Some people get upset at high optometrist fees. Others get irate.
H Are hair salon chains run by head honchos in head offices and recruit staff using headhunters?
H Novice sailors make bad singers because they can't hit the high seas.
PQ Would you go to a hair salon if it offered a 10% off sale?
S A conversation in Valhalla: "I am Thor!" "Here, have thome athpirin."
S What were you doing in the kitchen? I never sausage a mess!
TU Breaking news: A man claims to have learned how to do origami backwards. More on this story as it unfolds.
TU Is Peter Tork the Monkee who kept wanting to play "The Twist"?
VZ A North American First Nations entrepreneur went to Guam and set up a hairpiece emporium in a large tent. He called it The Wig Guam.
April 20, 2019:
A Angry Commuters: Adelaide Train
A When is a street like a meeting place? When it's a venue.
C If I were to die and come back as a flower, would I be a reincarnation?
C That Night in the Ritzy Hotel: Costas Plenty
D Clean Clothes Repel Men: Dieter Gents
D When a bunch of golfers go out on the town, do they have a designated driver?
F Some might call a balding guy's disagreement with his hair an argument, but it was more like a falling-out.
G A Grand Slam is a big win or score in a sport, not closing a piano lid too hard.
L Do high jumpers perform better in leap years?
L When the heroes and villains are having dinner in their hideouts, do they have lair cake for dessert?
S It's never a good idea to give a shamrock to a geologist, even on St. Patrick's Day.
S The vacuum cleaner you loaned me is like an aloe vera: a succulent.
S Would a no-no committed during a bridge tournament result in a bridge suspension, or a suspension (from) bridge?
TU Fire hydrants are tiny totem poles. People park next to them, cops totem away.
VZ The motto of the Gravedigger's Union Life Insurance Co. should be "We've got you covered."
February 23, 2019:
D A reality TV contest between two cartoonists ended in a draw.
D What happens when you spin around while playing Scrabble? You get dizzy spells.
F I thought a forecast is what you get when you break a leg on the golf course.
G Some people think that puns are juvenile, but I prefer to think of them as full-groan.
J Many Roman poets were mature, but one was Juvenal.
L What do you get when you cross alphabet soup with a laxative? Letter Rip.
R The Northern Lights sound like lions because they're auroras.
R Which celebrity is always ready for cereal? Reese, with her spoon.
S Somebody threw a bottle of Omega3 pills at me. Fortunately, the injury was only super fish oil.
TU Scattered Small Carpets: Jethro Rugg
January 26, 2019:
A A bunch of apples on the floor is like a horse: Appaloosa.
B "When I threw that pie away, it came right back and hit me!" "That's because it's a boomeringue."
B It's no longer called "boxed wine". It's Cardboardeaux.
B Once there was a rock group that wore brassieres outside their clothes. They called themselves Fast Internet because they were the bra'ed band.
B What colour was the wind? Blew.
C When a pet loses a lot of hair, it becomes a cheese: cheddar.
D I hear it's easy to convince ladies to not eat Tide pods, but it's hard to deter gents.
D I said to my doctor "I have a problem with one of my ears." He asked "Are you sure?" I replied "Yes, I'm definite."
D Oddly-Behaving Waterfowl: Daphne Duck
F "Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud!" "Yes, it's fresh ground."
G With what to cheesemakers hear? Their Gruy-ears.
L The least truthful musical instrument is the lyre.
N "Dr. Watson, what is the brand of this enema?" "No Shit Sherlock" "Ah, it's alimentary, my dear Watson."
PQ I wonder if the favourite colour of Polish cat lovers is pur-Pole?
PQ If I dip a Ritz cracker into chocolate pudding, should I sing "Puddin' on the Ritz"?
R Ruminant: when your father's sister comes to say for a while.
R Steak puns are a rare medium well done.
S Footwear made from banana peels could be called slippers.
S Would a combined marijuana and cattle farm be a high steaks enterprise?
TU The pastry that sports teams prefer to avoid is the turnover.
December 23, 2018:
A My font joke was Arial stinker.
A The next show for Little Spicerack Productions will be Little Orphan Anise.
B Do cobblers have to go to boot camp after enlisting in the armed forces?
C A person who leads the singing is like a running horse because he's the cantor.
C A running horse is infallible because it can't err.
D Lions put their clothes in dresser droars.
E Which of Santa's Helpers rocked the most? Elfis Presley.
H How do angels greet each other? They say "Halo there!"
H If Satan had a hairpiece, would he call it Hell Toupée?
H If we all dressed up as angels on October 31, we could call it Haloween.
H Is the ghosts' favourite brand of car a Haunta?
H Would a Scot in Egypt sing "I'll take the Cairo, you'll take the low road…"?
I For hockey players, their favourite part of a cake is the icing.
L If I made a hotdog out of pasta, should it be called a ling-weenie?
M I've always wondered, when Christmas rolls around, if we got frankincensed enough, would he commit myrrh-der?
O Do Greek ghosts like to drink Bouzo?
PQ Your friend the crowbar is an ape because it's a pry mate.
R One night, a Viking named Rudolph the Red looked out the window and said "It is going to rain." His wife asked "How do you know?" He replied "Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
S Sansa Stark ran her boat aground on a font: the Sansa Reef.
TU I had clocks tattooed on my palms so I could say that I had time on my hands.
TU I tripped over a Kleenex box and hurt my leg. My doctor said it was just tissue damage.
TU The baseball team's pitcher became known as the Trash Collector because she kept throwing people out.
TU What happens when a detective who plays basketball gets a tip-off?
TU When the Math Department has a meeting about subtraction, are there any take-aways?
VZ Egg farmers practice yolka for exercise and relaxation.
VZ To keep your hairpiece from freezing, put it in a teepee. That's a great way to keep a wigwam.
October 2, 2018:
A When can a dog be used to move stuff around? When its tail is a-waggin'.
B The baseball player got the nickname "The Janitor" because he was always batting cleanup.
B Western France was known for its singing pikemen, the Brittany Spears.
B What do you think would happen if a baseball player batted his/her eyelashes at the pitcher?
C Guidance Counselor: What classes are you struggling with? Student: Bourgeoisie 101. I can't get decent Marx in it.
C I have a Polish friend who's a sound engineer. I have a Czech one too.
C The local hairdresser got robbed. The police are combing the area.
D Are Uber and Lyft driving taxis out of business?
F The tenth Fast and Furious movie should be called Fast Ten: Your Seatbelt.
G French for garlic is l'ail. So it's true that garlic is good for what l'ails you.
J How to Introduce Yourself in French: Gemma Pelle
L What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits.
L What do you call a flock of sheep tumbling down a hill? A lambslide.
M Electricians have to strip to make ends meet.
M I got a pet newt and named him Tiny, because he's my newt.
R The History of Joining Metal is not just fascinating, it's riveting.
R What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards? A receding hare line.
S It would be cruelly ironic if the Saar River had cut a really deep gorge in its path. Said gorge would be the Saar chasm.
TU I asked the librarian if there were any authors who wrote dinosaur novels. She said "Try Sarah Topps."
TU I tried to do some knitting while listening to "Bolero". Unfortunately, it snagged on something and unRaveled.
September 11, 2018:
A "How should we stop the Mad Punster?" "By any means necessary!" "But any doesn't mean necessary!"
A "I hear that Elvis Costello and Abba will be touring this year." "Abba and Costello? Who's on first?"
A They aren't going to make yardsticks any longer.
C "Strike three!" Tom, the baseball umpire, cried out.
C Chemists who design graveyards often put the krypton the left side.
C God: "Whew, I just created 24-hour periods of alternating light and dark on Earth." Angel: "What will you do now?" God: "Call it a day."
C Math: the only subject that counts.
D "I'm really not sure about this legalized marijuana thing," said Tom doobieously.
D Were bandits during the Great Depression called despairados?
F Why could the runner only win races while snoozing soundly? Because she was only fast asleep.
H A bank robber, impatient at the slow pace of the delivery of the money, shouts "Hey, what's the holdup?"
I Motto of the chemist exterminator: Iridium.
M When my neighbour painted his house purple, I had to mauve away.
M Which day of the week is a ghost's favourite? Moanday.
O No punster wants to walk the no-pun road, which is sad and lonely.
PQ If you ever see Edgar Allen Poe about to collide with a tree, warn him by yelling "Poetry!"
R My friends get mad when I steal their kitchen utensils, but it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
S "Do you see Waldo and his friends?" "I xenon of them."
S Puns on tin? I can't stannum!
S Stoic chemists sulfur in silence.
S Whenever a customer asked a bartender for a shooter, he rang a bell. When asked why, he said "And suddenly, a shot rang out."
TU Monday Solder: Tuesday Weld
TU There's a movie coming out about a mobile home. I just saw the trailer.
VZ Geology rocks, but Geography is where it's at.
August 27, 2018:
A Is your iPad preventing you from falling asleep? Don't worry, there's a nap for that.
A My girlfriend doesn’t like it when I mess with her red wine. So I added fruit and lemonade to it, and she's sangria than ever.
A What kind of cats like to go bowling? Alley cats.
B For my assembly services, you will be build.
B I got a job as an executioner. I'll beheading there shortly.
B I know a mathematician who couldn't afford lunch. He could binomial.
B The pig kept putting people to sleep because he was such a colossal boar.
C I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings. It's a complex complex complex.
C Paintings of people delivering vegetables would be made by Currier and Ives.
C What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws? It was given two consecutive sentences.
D I'm super-friendly with 25 letters of the alphabet, but I don't know why.
F When a New York Giants receiver drops the football, is it called a Fee-Fi-Fo-Fumble?
F Why did the mathematician only work from home? She could only function in her domain.
G Monday: Greg. Tuesday: Ian. Wednesday: Greg. Thursday: Ian. This is a Gregorian calendar.
H I did not design the new glove, but I definitely had a hand in it.
I Need an Ark? I Noah guy.
K There was a kidnapping at school, but don't worry, she woke up.
L How does a politician / lawyer sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other side.
L I Guide Large English Vehicles: Laurie Driver
L I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage, but apparently I lost my case.
L Lupins are what you find on a lavatory's bulletin board.
M I named my horse Mayo. Mayo neighs.
M If students can't write an exam in Beauty School, do they get to write a make-up test?
N Why was King Arther always tired? All those sleepless knights.
PQ I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.
PQ Why did the cows return to the marijuana field? It was the pot calling the cattle back.
S What superlative did Robert E Lee win at high school? Most likely to secede.
TU One shouldn't discuss secrets in a bank, especially in front of the tellers.
VZ "Orion's Belt is a big waist of space." This is a three-star review.
VZ Don't try to make a belt with watches, as it will be a waist of time.
VZ My recliner and I go way back.
August 7, 2018:
A I wonder if mathematicians belong to the Add'Ems Family?
A What did the mermaid wear to math class? An algae-bra.
B It was when Popeye's nemesis walked barefoot through a tray of indigo dye that he became known as Bluto.
B The big rock was shy, and wished he was boulder.
C When the strip club isn't open their sign reads 'sorry, we're clothed'.
D Bureaus and dressers are for artists because they're full of drawers.
H Do members of the Hairdresser's Union have to pay hair dues?
H I wonder if cannabis supporters use hashtags on social media?
J The Rowdy Crowd: Jocelyn Shove
L Someone bought the only car left at the dealership. It was last, but not leased.
O A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. I told her "That's impossible. My dogs don't own bikes."
O A small falcon rowing a boat is musical because it is oar-kestrel.
O I wonder if it's a good idea for pilots and skydivers to learn on the fly.
R I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness.
R Reno is the City of Home Improvements.
S The ladies' garment that can't be obtained honestly is the stole.
TU A game show for fruit fans is "Truth or Consequinces".
TU My new goal is to start an investments company named Turnout, grow it to a monstrous size and then buy out Deloitte so that I could name the new company Turnout-Deloitte.
TU Trade wars are more than frightening, they're tariffying.
VZ I want to go to the Netherlands. Wooden shoe?
July 16, 2018:
A How does a geologist get into a backyard? Through agate.
A Where does Geography Bear sleep? In Aden.
B I bought a dog from a blacksmith. As soon as we got home, he made a bolt for the door.
C I am very good at starting sentences, but I don't like to capitalize on it.
C The Boomerang Champ had a mid-season slump, but eventually made a comeback and won again.
C What kind of train eats too much? A chew-chew train.
D If you make the wrong decision bringing your ship into port, your salary will be docked.
E "Cannabis Cultivation Technician": a new hemployment.
E March 21 and September 21 are days when horses don't use doorbells because they're equine-noxes.
F All quilts are lies: complete fabrications!
G I once had a cat I named Campfire because he kept going out in the rain.
G I tried taking high-resolution photos of local farmland, but they all turned out really grainy.
H "OK, here's your portion," said the cannibal half-heartedly.
H You can always get good discounts at topless clubs. Everything is half-off.
L If people who work are called workers, why aren't people who play the blues called bluesers?
PQ Small boats can be vulnerable to pier pressure.
PQ The overweight guy got the nickname "Harbour" because he was portly.
S What does a photographer say to a twitchy moonshiner? "Hold still while I take this shot!"
TU The fish going in circles is not a highway, it's a turnpike.
VZ What is the opposite of a wolf in sheep's clothing? A sheep in woolf's clothing.
Sonny Scott, Linda Lew, Owen Kaminoff, Jacob Adler.
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