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March 15, 2020:
A Did the invention of calculus have an aftermath?
A Hockey Night in Canada has been suspended for the pandemic. It's really the end of the world - the Apuckalypse!
A If the Greek goddess of love had had big, poofy hair, would she have been called Afrodite?
B Laundry detergent made from hemp would be marketed under the brand name "High Tide".
B Michael J Fox was spotted in a gardening centre, though it was hard to tell with his back to the fuschias.
C "Can you tell me about your advertisement?" "Sorry, it's classified."
D A First Nations dictatorship would feature rule by deCree.
E Motto of a demolitions company: "Your expectations have been razed."
F When the 15th letter of the alphabet is on fire, it becomes a bird: a flamingo.
G I lost interest in my tiny car. I just couldn't get into it.
H Our maintenance man lost his legs on the job. Now he's a handyman.
J For a zombie, every surprise is jaw-dropping.
L A style of dressing that makes you resemble a Scottish noble: the Laird Look.
L When a zombie gets really angry, does it lose its head?
M I wrote a book about my life installing computer networks on cattle farms. I wanted to call it MooLAN, but the Disney lawyers objected.
N I build The Museum of Modern Punning out of cardboard boxes on my front lawn, but the recycling folks took it away. Now museum, now you don't.
PQ Pun enters a room and kills 10 people. Pun in, ten dead.
PQ When a zombie wakes up, do its eyes pop open?
S Never play pool when you're itchy, as you're sure to scratch.
S What is E.T. short for? Because he's short little legs. [From the movie E.T. the Extraterrestrial]
TU A person trying to seduce a gardener might say "I would like to tiptoe through your tulips."
VZ I made a meme about the corona virus and it went viral.
VZ The World Health Organization has declared that you cannot get the Coronavirus from dogs, and there is no longer any reason to quarantine them. W.H.O let the dogs out!
February 10, 2020:
A I tried singing an ABBA song once, but I butchered it so badly that I was called the Abbatoir...
A In the Harry Potterverse, would a house elf from the Middle East be called Abu Dobby?
A The sound from a musician on stage bounces off the auditorium walls to surround the audience. The sound from a pigeon on stage does not, because a coo sticks.
B Employer: "What makes you think you'd be a good waiter?" Me: "I bring a lot to the table."
B What do you call a monkey in a minefield? A baboom!
E Any table that kills you is an end table.
F The animal that is always overlooked at Christmas is the fa-la-la-la-llama.
F You shouldn't be flippant in judo class.
G Don't be worried about your TV and smart phone spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
I I should call myself Teabag because every time I open my mouth, I find myself in hot water.
L Get Off Your Butt and Work!: Lacey Bones
L In Plantagenet England there was a rule that said that if bishops grew their herbs to excessive sizes, they would be stripped of their diocese. Hence the origin of the phrase "long thyme no see."
O Any table that doesn't call you back is one nightstand.
PQ To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
R A plebescite to end the stupidity surrounding marijuana could be called a reefer-end-dumb.
S Defibrillators and Tasers rarely fail, but when they do, nobody is shocked.
S It isn't a good idea to be saucy while in cannibal country.
S People who make saddles are always looking to stirrup trouble.
S When NASA sent several cows into space, it was called the herd shot around the world.
S Why are portholes round? Because when water comes through, you don't want to be hit square in the face.
TU Lingerie stores sell under-wares.
TU The quartet of tuba players called themselves "Lumber" because they were a tuba four.
December 29, 2019:
A A move that causes the seat of your pants to rip as you tap-dance is called the Astaire.
B I wonder if people who study rocks in Colorado are Boulder and others more timid?
H I cut a heart shape out of red felt and glued it into a greeting card so that it would be a heart-felt expression of love.
I You can manually harvest winter wheat with icicles.
N Santa's Checking His List: Nadia Nice
PQ Sudoku: a false Ku. (I find this puzzling.)
R Archeology is really just a career in ruins. (Sorry, I had to dig deep for that one.)
R As a superhero, I could be Typoman, the writer of wrongs.
S Learning how to jump rope in Phys Ed gives a new meaning to skipping class.
S Should the addresses of hospitals and doctors' offices have the number six in them?
November 25, 2019:
A As New Year's Eve draws to a close, the follically challenged gather to sing of memories of their lost hair: Bald Lang Syne.
C The Christmas carol most often heard in the deserts is O Camel Ye Faithful.
C What's the best way to cook an alligator? In a crock pot.
D What Was Left After the Tornado: Deb Reese
H A cautious topiary artist will hedge her bets.
H My sled dog puppy isn't fat, he's just a little husky.
H The Posterior of a Woman: Herbie Hind
I Why is making cheese expensive? Because of all of the expenses in-curd.
M Skimpy underwear for those who like to run is called a marathong.
N A naked Santa is an annoying person because he's a nude Nick.
PQ The preferred fruit of the topiary artist is the prune.
R Followers of the god Ra were called "Noodles" because they were Ra Men.
S I Am Very Helpful: Cheryl DeWitt
S Our health plan has nothing about mental health. There is no sanity clause.
VZ Learning patience will make you stronger because it's wait training.
October 26, 2019:
B French Wine for Sex Symbols: Brigitte Bordeaux
C Catch and release works well for fishermen. Too bad it doesn't work for viruses and the like.
C For Halloween, I will put on a military uniform and march around the yard swapping pumpkins. I call it the Changing of the Gourd.
C If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly, because communication is key.
C Shepherds could be master criminals, since they work with crooks every day.
G I used a garden gnome as the centrepiece for a sundial, since all sundials need a gnomon them.
J When is a gun like a sandwich? When it is jammed.
PQ "Unlike other bears, mine does not crap in the woods!" Christopher Robin pooh-poohed.
PQ Advice for fathers who play with balloons: "Don't drink, Pop."
PQ As a punslinger, I know that if I want a warm coat, all I have to do is parka car.
PQ How do Pokémon sneeze? They say Pikachoo!
PQ What's the link between a skin condition and eye drops? The skin condition is psoriasis and eye drops are a sore eye assist.
R Dr: Frankenstein: "Igor! Can't you think of a better way to shelve the contents of these heads?" Igor: "I'm racking my brains, doctor!"
S It isn't difficult to become a member of the Exotic Dancing Electrician's Club, but you do have to strip to join.
S Winter footwear should not be of the slip-on style.
September 27, 2019:
A Where the Monks Find Honey: Abbey Hive
B A combination of hair salon and fireworks store could be called "More Bangs for Your Buck".
C Free party snacks are provided for those who canapé.
D "Did you know that you can get as drunk on water as you can on land?" - W.C. Fields
D Do golf club restaurants have drive-through windows?
J A person who makes footwear from sailcloth could be from Djibouti.
L Can a woman on a boat in Scotland drop locks of her hair in the locks between lochs, while eating bagels with lox and picking the locks on her door?
O During a personnel crisis at the hospital, a surgeon found herself at the telephone switchboard because she was an operator.
O I refuse to have anything to do with the letter O when I'm at the ocean.
PQ "What's the status of the mail?" "I'll keep you posted."
PQ A green at an ultra-posh golf resort was so fancy that it got dubbed "The Ritz". The Management was Not Impressed when the patrons began singing and dancing "Putting on the Ritz."
PQ I had to submit my article "Docks: An Annotated History" to a journal for pier review.
PQ My career as a switchboard operator was put on hold.
R "Women's chests are enhanced by sculling", leered Tom robustly.
S People who snore are sound sleepers.
S The elephant was so depressed that his huge sighs were picked up on seismographs.
TU I made a playlist featuring musing from The Cranberries, Peanuts, and Eminem. I call it my Trail Mix.
TU What kind of road makes a good shield during a medieval re-enactment battle? A turnpike.
TU When a bowler is in a hurry, it's because s/he doesn't have time to spare.
VZ Golf pranksters deliver sand wedgies.
VZ Who else but the vise squad would clamp down on crime?
August 10, 2019:
B "I think that those floppy hats are stupid!" Tom berated.
B All these pig jokes are getting boaring.
B I got arrested for stealing hay, but got out of jail after posting bale.
B I named my plane "Enola Hay", but when I got into trouble, I had to bale out."
B If beer had bubbles of nitrous oxide, it would be noisy in a funny way because it would be a brewhaha.
C They're called cannibals because they can nibble on us.
D I watched a documentary about beavers yesterday. It was the best dam show ever!
D I'm thinking of opening Harold's Funeral Home for Plants, where you can say goodbye to the dearly depotted.
F The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.
M Why couldn't the chicken find her eggs? Because she mislaid them.
N People who are overly chauvinistic about their hot drinks say that tea is good and not tea is bad.
PQ If a female deer were frisking and frolicking, would we call her Play Doe?
R Death playing the drums is an example of reapercussions.
R Never challenge Death to a pillow fight unless you're prepared for the reaper cushions.
S Where in Papua New Guinea does one go for campfire snacks? Port Smoresby, of course.
TU I know your dog ran away. Don't terrier self up about it.
VZ The egotistical cat thought that he was so purrfect that when he saw a pretty girl he could whisker away.
VZ We called our dog Rolex because she's a watchdog.
July 20, 2019:
A If a mountain slope is totally covered in pine trees, is it described as alpine?
A The person who wastes away the most will win atrophy.
B Are hair salons part of the Barbary States?
B Does a company that manufactures scales have to maintain a balance sheet?
B What do you call a cow with a bad twitch? Beef jerky.
C How did Pavlov keep his hair so nice? He conditioned it.
C I wonder if farmers crop their photographs?
C Someone asked me the most convenient time for them to contact me, and I said "7:11".
F An amazing French ant is un fourmidable.
H Bouncing on a trampoline when you have laryngitis is hoarse jumping.
H Why did the French executioner in the Wild West set up his guillotine in the mountains? So he could head them off at the pass.
J Speaking of making preserves, I tried making door jamb once, but it wasn't very good. People kept slamming it.
L If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock.
N Silly Santa: Knut Nick Klaus
PQ Police have reported a man going into local craft stores and dipping his testicles in glitter. It's pretty nuts.
R In what does an artillery officer like to sit when in the garden? A rocket lawn chair.
S Where did Captain Hook buy his hook? From the second hand store.
S Where does a clock maker buy spare parts? From the second hand store.
S Would a lawn care company succeed in Soddy Arabia?
TU A discussion about ticks could be the sound of a grandfather clock because it is tick talk.
TU We of the Church of the Holy Raptor, let osprey.
June 15, 2019:
B A bull works out at the gym to become a buff fellow.
B A fancy little shop specializing in marine supplies is a boatique.
B Ghosts like to do their shopping in bootiques.
B New info on the Monarch of the Donkeys is bray king news.
B The location of a plastic bag recycling station can be marked by a character from The Jungle Books: Bagheera.
C The favourite ships of barbers and hairstylists are clippers.
C When negotiators go to the fair, do they avoid the concession stands?
C When the shocked IRS agent was convicted of tax evasion, he had to take time to collect himself.
D Kate named her clone Dupli Kate.
E If Brutus had dressed up as a ballerina, Julius Caesar might have said "Et tutu, Brute?"
E Is a lion's mistake an erroar?
G A good place to shop for fancy footwear is a bootique.
H The American city of colours is Hueston.
H When the wind kept blowing off his toupée, the ornithologist said "I can't keep my heron!"
J "I Cleaned Up This Town!": Janet Orr
S Can David cause mischief with Japanese throwing knives? Shuriken.
S Can I make more bad Jungle Books jokes? I Shere Khan!
TU Ballerinas are very quiet because they're always tiptoeing around.
TU Bono and The Edge walk into a bar. The barkeep says "Not you two again!"
TU How do you stop a dog from eating your books? Take the words out of his mouth.
TU I accidentally glued myself to my autobiography. No one believes me, but that's my story and I'm sticking to it.
May 30, 2019:
A Androginous: when all hard liquors look the same.
A Bird watching is oriole great outdoors activity.
A The colour of rage is angreen.
B Birders dislike golfers because of their desires to get birdies and eagles.
B I've started investing in stocks: beef, chicken, and vegetable. Someday I hope to be a bouillonaire.
B The Birdwatcher's Convention was all decked out with paper streamers and bunting.
B When airplane manufacturers are on pogo sticks, they say "Boeing, Boeing, Boeing!"
C Baseball umpires are also social reformers because they keep calling people out for stuff they do.
C People who work for passenger bus and train companies should be great at sports. Look at all the coaches they have to work with!
C What vegetable helps you to play snooker? A pool cucumber.
D Do artists who sketch store their supplies in drawers?
D If Emma found herself in a pickle, would that be a form of dilemma for her?
E Some people get upset at high optometrist fees. Others get irate.
H Are hair salon chains run by head honchos in head offices and recruit staff using headhunters?
H Novice sailors make bad singers because they can't hit the high seas.
PQ Would you go to a hair salon if it offered a 10% off sale?
S A conversation in Valhalla: "I am Thor!" "Here, have thome athpirin."
S What were you doing in the kitchen? I never sausage a mess!
TU Breaking news: A man claims to have learned how to do origami backwards. More on this story as it unfolds.
TU Is Peter Tork the Monkee who kept wanting to play "The Twist"?
VZ A North American First Nations entrepreneur went to Guam and set up a hairpiece emporium in a large tent. He called it The Wig Guam.
April 20, 2019:
A Angry Commuters: Adelaide Train
A When is a street like a meeting place? When it's a venue.
C If I were to die and come back as a flower, would I be a reincarnation?
C That Night in the Ritzy Hotel: Costas Plenty
D Clean Clothes Repel Men: Dieter Gents
D When a bunch of golfers go out on the town, do they have a designated driver?
F Some might call a balding guy's disagreement with his hair an argument, but it was more like a falling-out.
G A Grand Slam is a big win or score in a sport, not closing a piano lid too hard.
L Do high jumpers perform better in leap years?
L When the heroes and villains are having dinner in their hideouts, do they have lair cake for dessert?
S It's never a good idea to give a shamrock to a geologist, even on St. Patrick's Day.
S The vacuum cleaner you loaned me is like an aloe vera: a succulent.
S Would a no-no committed during a bridge tournament result in a bridge suspension, or a suspension (from) bridge?
TU Fire hydrants are tiny totem poles. People park next to them, cops totem away.
VZ The motto of the Gravedigger's Union Life Insurance Co. should be "We've got you covered."
February 23, 2019:
D A reality TV contest between two cartoonists ended in a draw.
D What happens when you spin around while playing Scrabble? You get dizzy spells.
F I thought a forecast is what you get when you break a leg on the golf course.
G Some people think that puns are juvenile, but I prefer to think of them as full-groan.
J Many Roman poets were mature, but one was Juvenal.
L What do you get when you cross alphabet soup with a laxative? Letter Rip.
R The Northern Lights sound like lions because they're auroras.
R Which celebrity is always ready for cereal? Reese, with her spoon.
S Somebody threw a bottle of Omega3 pills at me. Fortunately, the injury was only super fish oil.
TU Scattered Small Carpets: Jethro Rugg
Sonny Scott, Linda Lew, Owen Kaminoff, Jacob Adler.
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