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December 31, 2017:
A People who design dog houses are barkitects.
B Preparing new shoes for use is like being a burglar, since you have to break them in.
B They're called stock brokers because you're seldom richer after you deal with them.
D Any character on Game of Thrones who runs away from Brienne could be on Star Wars, as a Tarth Evader.
D I can't believe that I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
D When a person playing cards gets frustrated, does s/he say "I can't deal with this any more!"
D When we want to change the colour of coins, do we dime?
F My seismologist friend got a job predicting earthquakes. He's a real faults prophet.
I When people are recovering from eye surgery, do they wake up in the ICU?
M Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight. There would be mass confusion.
O What did the egg say when it was set on fire? "Om lit!"
PQ A peeled apple that's ready to eat has been pre-pared for you.
PQ If a chess player were to set up a swindle, would it be called a pawnzi scheme?
PQ The Well-Appointed Irish Veranda: Paddy O'FurnitureJA
PQ When a quarterback declines an offer, does he say "I'll pass"?
TU What the Sun Does to Your Skin: Tanya Brown
VZ Clothes worn out-of-doors become beat-up and shabby because you wear them out.
VZ How to Yodel: O. Lea LeahyJA
December 5, 2017:
A When the zombie armies finish fighting and declare a cease-fire, do any of them ask "Who's armistice?"
B Keep Your Hair Neat: Bobby Pins and Hera ClipsJA
C People in the armed forces prefer formal tea over casual tea.
C When the mathematician went out into the cold, she put on her cotan hat.
D If Marvel Comics gets desperate for a new character, they can create a zombie superhero who plays hand bells. They could call him Dead Ringer.
F An American state that produces both fluoride and flooring is Florida.
F We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank made a monster.
H "Whose tea should I have with this cheese?" "Havarti."
H Do marijuana supporters cheer a victory with high-fives?
J Why is there music coming from the printer? The paper is jamming again.
M Do Geographers in Southeast Asia sing "Myanmar Shadow"?
N Do journalists eat news feed?
R "I eat leftovers," said Tom reservedly.
R Axle grease helps the digestion because it's a roll-aid.
R When journalists come into the office, are they reporting for work?
S "All brooms are useful!" said Tom, making a sweeping generalization.
S Can a female mathematician turn into a mushroom? No, secant.
TU Did Luke get Darth Vader a TIE for Father's Day?
TU What do NRA supporters say for Halloween? "Trigger Treat!"
TU When a disaster happened in the tool factory, the foreman held up a hammer and yelled: "Evacuate! This is not a drill!"
TU When zombies want to fight, do they throw hands?
VZ I rubbed a bottle of bath salts, and a genie appeared. "You may have either the best bath ever or the best shower ever. Choose!" He said. "Uhh… uhh…" I said, confused. "Don't be wishee-washee!" said the genie.
October 28, 2017:
A When does a bird become a light bulb? When it alights on a branch.
B Stories About Very Rich People: Billie O'NairJA
C If you take your dog for a drive, it will turn into a rug because it's a carpet.
D "Good King Wenceslas": Deepan Crispin Even
G If I want to get a job at the nuclear power plant, I will need a glowing reference.
H Do cannibals think that "The History of the Microwave" is a heartwarming story?
I If a circuit is integrated, does that mean its white and non-white components are working together?
L A tailor let out my pants. I had to chase them all over the yard before I caught them.
L Heat Makes Me Rise: Libby Dough
M Stories About Rich People: Millie O'NairJA
O Stretching an ellipse makes it oblonger.
R Nobly Radioactive: Ray Don Gas
R When a cannibal's life is celebrated with comedy, is s/he being roasted?
S A man walked into a zoo, but the only animal there was a dog. It was a shitzu.
S Lizards of Fire: Sally ManderJA
S When a gentleman tailor woos a lady, he is called a suitor.
TU How We Used to Shorten Trouser Legs: Theo Hemingway
September 26, 2017:
B When a farmer does really well, she grows auto parts because she has a bumper crop.
C Corporate raiders are a little too friendly. They want to keep you company.
D People who leap into water head first are a divers bunch.
F The backside of a fern is really hot because it's a furnace.
G "Your dog is so dumb, he doesn't even understand the concept of fetch." "Yeah, he just doesn't get it."
G I once won a scholarship by writing about the 18th American President. It wasn't much, just a general grant.
G The Historical Society was unable to sell the old prison gallows. They couldn't even gibbet away.
I If you put a picture of yourself in a locket, you can say you're independent.
M A Japanese cartoonist makes the drawing of leg joints elementary, because they're manganese.
M When a soldier leaves the army, he turns into a condiment, because he's mustered out.
M Who's on the menu at the Cannibal Restaurant? Me-n-u.
PQ When I look at my digital watch and see it's 3:14:15, I know it's time for pie.
PQ When I see a cougar coming towards me, it makes me want to puma pants.
R If Eminem were to grow his hair really long to try to peddle a book on wordplay, would we call him Rap Pun Sell?
S Sports Mathematics: Golf + Marksmanship = Shot Putt.
S The Battle of Salamis involved ships, not sausages.
TU When I saw the ad "Radio for sale, for $1, volume stuck on full", I thought "I can't turn down that offer!"
VZ Pulled weeds become Americans - Yankees.
August 28, 2017:
B Was Baldur the ancient Norse god of hair loss?
H Don't challenge a geographer to a boat battle. Helsinki for sure.
H How do you greet bread? Say "Helloaf".
H Should gardeners invest in hedge funds?
I If you get stuck in the Italian Mud, Apulia out.
I Some kids only like playgrounds if they have swings. Their theme song could be "It Don't Mean a Thing if it Ain't Got that Swing."
I What part of a cake reminds one of a karaoke bar? The icing.
I Which American president was the least guilty? Abraham Lincoln. He's in a cent.
J I had forgotten how to run, but a trainer jogged my memory.
L I asked the bakery if they had shortbread. They told me they don't make it any longer.
L I got a model of a dirigible and when I put little lights on it, it began to play "Stairway to Heaven". It was an LED Zeppelin.
L What is the preferred beer of lumberjacks? Lager.
PQ "The Czech capital's economy will grow this year" is a good Prague-nosis.
PQ Give a cat a kilt and you'll have a plaidypuss.
PQ Hardy wanted to be selected for the trip to northern France, so he shouted "Picardy!"
R An orthodontic appliance will turn your teeth into lawyers, because they're all on retainer.
S An article of clothing best avoided by electricians is shorts.
S Which brand of gum is loud and annoying? S-trident.
VZ A French smartass is a Oise guy.
July 21, 2017:
A What do you get when you cross a fruit with an extinct bird? An avocadodo.
B A Halloween flower arrangement is a boo-quet.
B Do overstressed firefighters suffer from burnout?
B Where are chimes rated? Belgrade.
C If you want to buy chicken housing at a discount, can you use coop-ons?
D The astronomer wasn't just loathesome, he was de-Spica-ble.
F It's hard to tell in the pictures, but Mr. Spock of Star Trek has three ears: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
F The soft drink Fanta is an opiod. When I run out, it's a Fanta-nil situation.
G How do strippers deal with adversity? They grin and bare it.
G If you see a fox, name it Guy, so you can have an instant Guy Fawkes Day.
H Is hop-Scotch a drinking game for frogs and rabbits?
K Daredevils smack a horse's rump not for the thrill, but for kicks.
K Which Muppet was the Whiskey King? Kermit Laphroaig.
L Gay Vegetables: Les Bean
M The cheapskate astronomer is a Mizar.
N A farmer that successfully raised lesbian cows won a no-bull prize for agriculture.
O "You two are pyromaniacs, and it looks like your boy is too!" "Well, he is our son Orson."
R About Army Units: Reggie Mantle
R If you see a wren, name it Stimpy.
R You shouldn't call a practice jousting session a run-through.
VZ I Frighten Your Pets: Yvette Soffice.
June 12, 2017:
A I will make jokes about The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe for Aslan as I can.
A My Frequently-Mended Garment: Apache Dress
B Musical theatre is a great place for burglars. People are always breaking into song.
C Chance Encounter at the Ball: Quincy Dance
E Do the anorexic supermodels think they're elegaunt?
E Is it an electronic cow? Is it a flightless bird? It's both! It's an e-moo!
F "Your steam roller will not persuade me. Flattery will get you nowhere!"
G If a redhead works at a bakery, does that make him a ginger bread man?
G Where in Wales will you find a church organ all decked out in sequins, ruffles and feathers? In the Vale of Glam-organ.
I What do the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common? Icy dead people.
I What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? Irrelephant.
L Can you wash grass in the lawndry?
L What do the [losing team name] and Oprah have in common? They're both win-free.
M Do you greet people in the south of France with "Marseilles beaucoup"?
M When Kate Moss passes away, will her final resting place be a Moss-oleum?
N When I asked the lion what he was doing in my wardrobe, he said "Narnia business!"
O Any song about glowing Conservative cookies would have to be an aura-toreo.
PQ Don't name a song "Jar-Eyes". In English, they teach you to never play Jar-Eyes.
PQ Steep some eucalyptus leaves in hot water to get a high koala-tea drink.
R Baby Lions!: Rory Kubbs
R Classical musicians would support Dwayne Johnson for President. They think the Rachmaninoff for the job.
R Dwayne Johnson and Dave Grohl should run for the US Presidency in 2020. Who wouldn't vote for The Rock and Grohl?
S If Dr. Van Helsing were to incorporate Vampire Hunters Inc, who would be the stakeholders?
S My supply of beach jokes is more than surficient to meet demand.
TU Some people think that John Donne had a hand in William Shakespeare's Sonnets. These people say their cause is holy, because "Thy Will be Donne".
VZ If a drywall contractor named Russ were to choose a mascot for his company, would it be a walrus?
May 16, 2017:
A National Songs: Ann Them
B I heard that there's a hot new restaurant in town called The Library. I tried to get reservations, but it was fully booked.
C Do member of The Brotherhood of Salmon refer to themselves as Chums?
C Fried Rodents: Chris Pratt
C If crows and owls could ever learn to work together, they'd be in caw-hoots.
C Why do people in a play say "Break a leg"? Because they're part of a cast.
C With what does Godzilla take photographs? A Gammera.
D When something is running late, it should be reported by a mascot: the Delay Llama.
K Barbie's Companion: Kendall Husband
L Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.
M Google is terrible. I searched for lighters and got 145,000 matches.
N A combination of tuxedo rental shop and plastic surgery clinic could be called "Nip and Tux".
N I just bought a thesaurus, and when I looked, I saw that all the pages were blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
PQ Where do track and field athletes keep their valuables? In a pole vault.
PQ Why did the EMTs travel in sets of two? They wanted to be pair-a-medics.
R World of Bread: Roland Loaf
S Can a ewe be the Queen of Shebaa?
S Do Gregorian fishermen in the South Pacific sing Salmon Chanted Evening?
S I can cut a tree in half just by looking at it. I saw it with my own eyes!
S I refused to believe that my father stole from his job as a roads worker, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
S What's Going to be Happening Around the Mountain?: Shelby Coming.
April 26, 2017:
A "Silly Billy, why did you put some fruit on your face?" "I was told to apple-eye myself!"
A The Rules for Clapping are called Applaws.
B When do baseball players become musicians? When they're playing the base line.
D "I'm Not Just Whistling": Dick See
D Maple Molars!: Dennis Tree
E Adorable stuffed killer whale toys + Christmas lights + drinking straws = Electric Light Orcastraw.
E Chemistry teacher to students: "Don't misbehave. I've got my ion you!"
H Stella put a cap on her butt and said it came from Cape Hatteras.
M The place to go to gamble with fruit is del Monte Carlo.
N A name for a Japanese plastic surgery clinic could be Nippon Tuck.
R My farmer friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. I said "40!"
S Baseball players celebrate St. Bat-Trick's Day.
S I wrapped my psychiatrist in plastic shrink wrap.
S I've found a job helping a one-armed typist with capital letters. It's shift work.
S There is a little town in southwestern Ontario that isn't called Married, because it is Fingal.
S Which Canadian province has totally gone to the dogs? Shar-PEI.
S Why did the old man fall in the well? He couldn't see that well.
TU Dental X-Rays can clean your teeth because they're tooth-pics.
TU How do you get two whales in a car? Start in England and drive west.
VZ A farmer's favourite percussion instrument is a silo-phone.
VZ My skills at drawing intersecting lines are unparalleled.
VZ Psychiatrists have a favourite Guns N Roses song: Welcome to the Jung-le.
March 12, 2017:
A Making a bet on what colour something will be is risky. It's not azure thing.
A When praising a computer program, I app-laud it.
B Borates stink. They're all about BO.
B Why are people who serve drinks imprisoned by their jobs? Because they're behind bars.
C The French number that catches mice is quatre.
D The struggle over unplugging an inflatable Christmas mouse display could be turned into a comic opera called Deflator Mouse.
D Who is ready for a dix-cent into the madness of French number puns?
G Maxwell House is the skydivers' coffee because it's good to the last drop.
H I wanted my rapper name to be M.C. Hammerhoid, but it made me the butt of piles of jokes and it didn't sit well.
M A person who plays the opposite of fugues accumulates a body of work in a more-gue.
M Cosmeticians are liars. They makeup everything.
M Which French number can feed the hungry? Mille!
N Why does the military use acid? To neutralize the enemy base.
O A wild fling with a person of your preferred gender, a bedside table or a rack for a suit of armour: either way, you have a one-knight stand.
O Have sympathy for the person who really likes rowing, for s/he is an orphan.
PQ It takes 15 French numbered nuts to make pe-quinze.
PQ Phosphates are annoying. They PO many of the elements.
R What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto!
S "I'm the master of French numbers!" "Says who?" "Seize me!"
S As the French numbers say, "Carpe Diem! Six the day!"
S I've collected all of the French numbers! I have the full sept!
S The Titanic was like the French number five: it cinq.
VZ French number bread is made from huit flour.
February 21, 2017:
A Oh, God, I'm Sorry: Apollo Jize
A The unit of measure of anxiety is the Angst-rom.
B The Braun company makes electric razors. If they made a promotional video for a hair clipper for donkeys, would it it be called "Brayin vs Braun"?
C When you flip a boat over you can fit it on your head, because it is cap-sized.
H The best time on the clock is 6:30, hands down.
L Rocket Launch: Cliff Toff
M "I just encountered Rick, Rick, Rick and Rick," said Tom metaphorically.
N Date on a Beach: Nash Carr
N If you feel cold, stand in a corner. They're usually around 90 degrees.
N Why Clothing is Required in India: Vanessa Sari
O The Gift of Life: Morgan Donation
O Where Wolves: Juan F. Deepak
PQ Gepetto first tried to make a boy out of dough, calling him Pi-gnocchi-o.
PQ If a person really likes the song "Top of the World", does it mean s/he has Polish ancestry?
R I say that a mosque can be built in an area prone to rockslides because a rolling stone gathers no mosque.
R Rococo: What to drink while propelling a small boat.
S A Pikachu is an adorable Pokémon that also packs a potent zap attack. It's the Pokémon equivalent of "Shock and Awww".
S A Warrior's Whiskey: Sam U. Rye
TU If I were a plumber with a trumpet, would I play Taps on it?
TU We have tofu. In cannibal country, they have toefood.
TU What kind of dinosaur can you find in Albania? A Tiranasaurus Rex.
TU What kind of dinosaur can you find in Iran? A Tehrannosaurus Rex.
VZ Pinocchio wanted to be a star on Broadway, but was criticized for his wooden acting.
VZ When phones first came to Milwaukee, were they called Milwaukee-talkies?
January 21, 2017:
A Have you seen the picture of Spiderman getting blown up? It's all over the Web.
A People who get wheezy and short of breath when confronted with an equation have mathsma.
A To promote Valentine's Day passion, make a letter R out of something and press it into a soft spot of your amour. It will make him/her R-dent.
A With what do mathematicians chop wood? Axes.
C "Have some Grenadine," said Tom cordially.
C What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast? A synonym roll.
C Why is the nose in the middle of your face? Because it's the scenter.
E "The name for the new trans-Uranic element should be Terry," said Professor Watson. "It's element-Terry, my dear Watson," said Professor Holmes.
F Egpyt isn't close, it's pharaoh way.
G Does the Wind Giant eat his food with gusto?
G I got rid of my broom and dustpan. They were just gathering dust.
H Leather armour is the best for sneaking around, since it's made of hide.
I In order to fix a broken snow fort, you can use igloo.
L A devilishly sticky brand of adhesive is Glucifer.
M How much room does a fungus need to grow? As mushroom as possible.
M The worst Christmas crime is myrrh-dur. (It makes Frank incensed.)
PQ Cleaning your teeth makes you wise. A floss-opher.
R Breaking news: the laws against ringing a bell twice have been re-pealed!
S A counterfeit sim can play music, since it's a symphony.
S A marionette was convicted of theft, but given a suspended sentence.
S Chat with friends or murder cheese; either way we shoot the bries.
S If you feel like running naked, spray yourself with Windex. It prevents streaking.
S You can trust a glue salesman. He tends to stick to his word.
VZ I don't like stairs. They're always up to something.
VZ I'm addicted to having money in my bank account. I suffer from withdrawals.
VZ Why did Silly Billy quit his job in the doughnut factory? He was tired of the hole business.
December 23, 2016:
A The Wall Failed and Caused a Flood: Adam Shame
A What's the best way to get into an embassy? Through the ambassador!
H How My Cat Keeps Himself Clean: Felix Himself
S German Q-Tips are made in Swabia.
S The full-length cartoon "Cryo" wasn't cancelled, it was put in suspended animation.
TU Always serve Eggs Benedict on a hubcap because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.
December 23, 2016:
A A person in pain is like a monarch - aching all over!
B At an Indian fireworks show, there are Bangalore.
C A holiday-season test could be called a Quizmas.
C I don't understand why DC and Marvel haven't licensed superhero house-cleaning products. After all, they are grime fighters.
C Is the fear of Santa called Claustrophobia?
C Long, Green Vegetables, Volume 1: Q. Cumber
C The legalized marijuana industry needs a new name. I suggest cannabusiness.
C Welcome to the herb exhibition! Admission is $5, but kids can comfrey!
C Which mythological creature is the most vain and self-centred? The one that want to be the centaur of attention.
D What is King Wenceslas' favourite pizza? One that is deep-pan, crisp and even.
E I want a beer stein shaped like a pachyderm. I'd call it an alephant.
F Unclean!: Phil Thee
K Would a joint Indo-Australian currency be called the KangaRupee?
L In order to get into Victoria's Secret, one must walk through Labrador.
M A Charlie's Angels spinoff that never got off the ground was "Moe's Lasses", who helped people get out of sticky situations.
M Do Indian children say "Mumbai me a toy!" at the store?
PQ "3.1415926 is a number made in Heaven," said Tom piously.
PQ Do people in the marijuana business throw pot-luck parties?
PQ The sexton and the vicar have disappeared! Should we file a missing parsons report?
R When a jogger passes through a clock tower, does it mean s/he is running out of time?
S "Vacuum cleaners don't float," said Tom succinctly.
S Should an Indian country/pop singer call herself Chennai-a Twain?
TU Upon spotting the (mythological) Indian Desert Whale, you are supposed to say "Thar she blows!"
VZ Long, Green Vegetables, Volume 2: Sue Keeny
Sonny Scott, Linda Lew, Owen Kaminoff, Jacob Adler.
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