Pun Dictionary


This is a project that I have been wanting to do for a long time: documenting every pun in the English language. Ambitious? Definitely. Misguided? Oh, yes. 8-) Will I ever be able to get them all? I doubt it, but it will be fun to try. I'm starting with my own very large collection drawn from all of my humour files, and I'll see what everyone else sends me. Or what I can come up with myself. First launched April 1, 2007.

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Puns by Category index page.

The entire Pun Dictionary as a PDF document to read and enjoy!

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Be sure to check out the Funny Puns at Pun.me!

Corona Virus Jokes

Animal Jokes

Recent Updates

I decided to create this to make it easier for people to see the new jokes. 8-) Updates occur irregularly and without warning. 8-)

July 24, 2021
A What's the most aggressive type of fish? Assault water fish.
B A really good soup makes me want to bake bisque-its.
C My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I'm camping, I won't be covered.
F The amusement park ride had to be made of iron because it was a ferrous wheel.
G Jokes told in Sign Language are jest-iculations.
G My friend couldn't pay his water bill, so I sent him a "Get Well Soon" card.
K I like being a clockmaker. I can keep my own hours.
M Why aren't gardeners more wealthy? They can make a mint anytime they want.
N I know a lot of jokes in sign language. And I guarantee you that nobody has ever heard them.
N When I first heard about the TV show The Flying Nun, I thought that it was about the Mitsubishi Zero.
R Where did the cybercriminals go? I don't know, they ransomeware.
S A really strong person who makes broths and chowders can be called Souperman.
TU I have never seen a restaurant offer a "Chuck Norris burger" for takeout. Maybe that's because you don't take out a Chuck Norris burger, it takes out you. Its Secret Sauce also has quite a kick.
TU You can tell that poltergeists manufactured faucets when they were alive because of all the taps they make now.

June 20, 2021
F While taking the pilot's exam, she flew through a rainbow and passed with flying colours.
G Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.
H "I'm addicted to buying Beatles albums." "It sounds like you need help." "No thanks, I already have that one."
M I got a job in a factory making plastic Draculas. There are only two of us and it's time-sensitive, so I have to make every second count.
O What did one plate say to the other? "Tonight, dinner's on me."
PQ How much does a rainbow weigh? Not much. It's pretty light.
S I just read in the newspaper that someone pickpocketed a dwarf. How could anyone stoop so low?
S When the surgeon told a joke, I was left in stitches.
TU I bought a wig for a dollar. It was a small price toupée.
TU You probably shouldn't buy eggs at an "unbeatable price".

June 6, 2021
A Baseball teams should try hard to win, but they shouldn't go all out.
A The CEO of IKEA was elected Prime Minister of Sweden. He's currently assembling his cabinet.
B "Look out below!" is a lookout bellow when you are standing on a high observation post.
PQ Elaborate stickhandling and puck transfer is a phase hockey players go through. It's just a passing fancy.
PQ Why did the hockey player get slapped? He kept making passes at women.
S The party to celebrate the unearthing of the world's largest dinosaur leg bone was quite the shindig.

May 30, 2021
B My nickname in school was "Batteries" because I wasn't included in anything.
F Did you know that the video game Mortal Kombat was based on Scandinavian church music? It was a Finnish hymn.
I Pi does not belong in philosophy. It's too irrational.
M Someone stole my coffee cup. Now I have to go to the police station to look at mug shots.
S What do you call a person who writes lyrics about sewing machines? A Singer songwriter.
S Where do you go to learn how to make ice cream desserts? Sundae school.

May 21, 2021
A Borrowed money is always by itself because it’s a loan.
C The first draft of Tennessee Williams' play about a dysfunctional family featured a squabble over a Japanese sword and was called "Katana Hot Tin Roof".
F I got a D- on my medical exam. Apparently, I'm in failing health.
L A Chemistry teacher gave a very skillful and inspiring lecture in class. It was a lab oratory!
L A bank employee becomes a Western hero when she is the Loan Arranger.
L What He Will Do to the Grass: Lonnie Mowat
N What's a vampire's favourite fruit? Necktarines.
S How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.

May 15, 2021
A The Invisible Man married the Invisible Woman. Their kids aren't much to look at, either.
D How do you find the gym at Hogwarts? You look for the dumbbell door.
D What kind of coffee does a baby cow drink? De-calf.
H Raptor-Shaped Flowers: Holly Hawks
M How does a hamburger introduce his wife? "Hello, meet Patty."
PQ I had to quite my job as a deep-sea diving instructor. The pressure was too much.
PQ I recently took a poll and 100% of people were annoyed when the tent collapsed.
PQ My daughter is deciding between being a bartender and a barista for her career. I think they're both pour choices.
PQ People who fly airplanes are great at flattery. They really know how to pilot on.
PQ Some people say being a waiter is a bad job, but it puts food on the table.
R My friend keeps bragging that he got into massage school. I don't know why he has to keep rubbing it in.
R The Eraser Gang keeps getting involved in rubouts.
R The official mustard of southern Brazil is Rio Dijon-eiro.
S A group of mountaineers formed a club and decided to call themselves the Social Climbers.
S Shouldn't "gentlemen's clubs" be located in strip malls?
TU After they'd had kids, the Invisible Man and Invisible Woman changed their genders. They became trans parents.

April 24, 2021
A "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?" "Yes, we arson."
B Is the best way to catch a British Peer with a baronet?
C My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.
C Which dinosaur gets up the earliest? The Crackodon.
C Whenever my girlfriend is sad, I let her draw things on my body. I gave her a shoulder to crayon.
D Do skydiving schools have a lot of dropouts during the Fall semester?
E If the British government were to hand out online Peerages, would they be urldoms?
E Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.
H I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.
I A doctor saw the Invisible Man when she admitted him to the ICU.
I I went to the toy store and asked the assistant "Where are the Schwarzenegger dolls?" "Aisle B, back."
N A broken guitar can be given as a gift with no strings attached.
O A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.
PQ People who aren't good at haggling wind up paying the price.
PQ When the clouds alternately hide and reveal the mountain tops, we say that the mountains are playing peak-a-boo.
PQ Why did Willie Nelson get hit by a car? He was playing On The Road Again.
R I took a long nap yesterday. The rest is history.
R I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
S Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.
S What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? "Suture self."
TU What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.
TU The Next Day: Tom Morrow

April 13, 2021
A How do you help your female sibling? A sister.
A We just bought an authentic Van Gogh coffee table. We know it's authentic because there's a bit of veneer missing.
B The monk who saw the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine said "I can't believe it's not Buddha."
D Deli shops buy bread from a bakery called the Deli Bread.
D If the chief Buddhist became a surrealist painter, he could be called Salvador Dali Lama.
D What do you call a person who can't stick to a diet? A desserter.
D What is the most famous Buddhist sandwich shop? The Deli Lama.
E An anesthesiologist will dress up as the Ether Bunny before going into the boxing ring so that she could win by knockout.
F The element that can be walked on is fluorine.
H Running a store that sells hats made from marijuana hemp is expensive because there's high overhead.
H When a rabbit goes to a new owner, it's called a hare transplant.
I Apple will make its car in Korea. It will fold flat and require some assembly and will be called iKia.
M I got a rejection letter from Origami University. I don't know what to make of it.
M Never moon a werewolf.
R Temper tantrums are not just a fad, they're all the rage.
R What rock group has four men that don’t sing? Mount Rushmore.
S I accidentally drank some invisible ink. Now I'm in the emergency room waiting to be seen.
S What does a chemist farmer do with her seeds? Sodium.
TU A chemist wanted neckwear that would turn brown in the sun, so she made it from titanium.
TU Which element turns brown in the sun? Tantalum.
VZ I tried to come up with a pun about carpentry, but nothing wood work.

March 28, 2021
B I fell asleep last night while reading old magazines. This morning I woke up with back issues.
B I was the drummer for a band called Borscht. I never missed a beat!
C The caw of an angry crow is like a flower: a crow-cuss.
G If a gardener were to be imprisoned for a financial crime, it would be for graft.
G If you encounter a ghoul, kill and burn it. Then you can have ghoul ash for dinner.
H I wanted to start a professional hide-and-seek team, but couldn't. Good players are hard to find.
L Firefighter Chiefs prefer to wear leader-hosen.
PQ "Do you know what Sin City is?" "Las Vegas." "How about Den Sity?" "Mass over Volume."
R Bread dough put in the oven should be called "Zombie", since the dead will rise.
TU I wanted to start a new diet, but I have way too much on my plate right now.

March 6, 2021
F If your children are looking for a career, have them consider farming. There’s good money in that field.
L When his ears were criticized, the MMA fighter responded with a sucker punch. It was a lobe low.
PQ I just Googled "Missing medieval servant" and the result was "Page not found".
S Does launching a blue spacecraft make someone a rocket cyantist?
TU A photographer was thrown out of an art gallery because he kept taking pictures.
TU Do train drivers ever get qualified or are they always in training?

February 26, 2021
A A shipment of weight loss pills was stolen this morning. The suspects are still at large.Pun.me
B It's not that the man didn't know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.Pun.me
D I installed a high-voltage electric fence around my property. My neighbour is dead against it.Pun.me
E Cows lie down in the rain to keep each udder dry.Pun.me
F Humpty Dumpty had a terrible summer, but he had a great fall.Pun.me
F I'll never be a champion dwarf thrower. All my efforts fall short.
G A goalie's goal in life is to have no goals.
J My grandma told me that her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.Pun.me
L He didn't tell his mother that he had eaten some glue. His lips were sealed.Pun.me
L If the judge loves the sound of his/her voice, expect a long sentence.Pun.me
M My wife applied to work at the post office, but they wouldn't letter. They said only mails work here.Pun.me
O Why do astronauts' computers use the Linux operating system? You can't open Windows in space.
R I hate carrying my luggage around the airport. I rest my case.Pun.me
S I wanted to be an astronaut when I grew up, but my parents told me that the sky is the limit.Pun.me
S People prefer houses with basements. They're best cellars.Pun.me
TU I wanted to learn Braille, but it's a touchy subject.Pun.me
TU She wears glasses in Math class because it improves division.Pun.me
TU When I get naked in the bathroom, only the shower gets turned on.Pun.me
VZ My wife told me to stop speaking in numbers, but I didn't 1 2.Pun.me

February 7, 2021
B Beware the flattering cannibal. He's trying to butter you up.
C Did you hear about the heavy-metal band Cadmium? They've just released a new Cd at the Neon, you know the seedy club downtown.
D I banished all of the fighting Transformers when I played a card from my pocket. It was a deuce ex machina.
F I opened the garage door and saw that my bike tires needed tuning because they were a bit flat.
H Charlie the Chickpea was found crushed to death. It was ruled a hummus-cide
L A British city has gone missing. Police are currently looking for Leeds.
O A new card deck gets broken when it's shuffled because then it's out of order.
O If I had to rate this solar system, I'd give it one star.
PQ My friend spent a lot of time washing his car, only to put a blob of mustard on the hood. "If I put my Gray Poupon the car, maybe the birds won't," was his rationalization.
S I just spent $300 to rent a limo and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver. I can't believe that I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.
S I know a guy who started building boats in his attic. His sails went through the roof.
TU I just found out that Einstein was real. I thought that he was just a theoretical physicist.
VZ Don't you just hate it when you're picking up your bags at the airport and everyone's luggage is better than yours? Worst-case scenario.
VZ Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if they were pruned.
VZ Having an emoji with "Yes!" on it would be motivational because it would be the Yes icon.

January 24, 2021
A I wonder if ballet dancers have to a-plié to join a company, or just audition.
B Did you hear about the big fight at the seafood restaurant? Battered fish were everywhere!
C There was a burglary at the wig shop. Police are combing the area.
D "Crete is boring" + "Crete is ugly" = 2, at least in discrete mathematics.
D If the New Years Eve guys in New York foul up during the show, we could say that they dropped the ball.
D What rank does a dentist in the army hold? A drill sergeant.
E A snail got himself a fast car with the letter S on its side. He wanted to drive really quickly so that people would say "Look at that S car go!"
G "Why does my coffee taste like mud?" "I don't know. It was ground a few minutes ago."
G I had a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tires and roll me downhill. Those were Goodyears.
G What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar on New Year's Eve? He got 12 months.
H Living through the accident in the farmer's field was a harrowing experience.
L Why can't pirates recite the alphabet? They get lost at C.
M Have you ever tried blind-folded archery? You don't know what you're missing.
M I made a gumbo with just beef and okra. It wasn't all that good, it was just meaty okra.
M If the actor Mr. T. had called himself Mr. E., nobody would have known what he was doing.
PQ I don't know why people have a problem with wigs. It's a look anyone can pull off.
PQ One ink spot walked up to another ink spot and said "Why are you crying?" The other ink spot replied "because my dad is in the pen and I don't know how long the sentence will be!"
R Is a person who judges dog or cat shows a ref-furry?
S You know a person is crooked when they won't give a straight answer.
TU Why did 1/5 get a massage? Because it was two tenths.
TU Why is 4 afraid of 5? Because it's 22.
TU Yes, you can tuna fish by adjusting the scales.
VZ Can anyone remember that chiropractor joke I posted about a week back?
VZ Grandpa used to dig holes for wells as a profession. You could say he was well into holesales.
VZ If I were to raise the alarm about corruption in the Referee's Union, would that make me a whistle-blower whistleblower?
VZ When my friend ate a calculator, I defended him by saying "He may be strange, but it's what inside him that counts."

December 29, 2020
Most of these were shamelessly stolen from Reddit's Dad Jokes.
A What do you a call a man with an ant on his knee? Antony.
B I went into the kitchen and saw a hurricane making a pot of tea. I thought "hmm, there's a storm brewing."
B My friend found a deer stuck in a fence. It took him 3 hours, but he was able to rescue it. He’ll do anything for a buck.
B The best place for a pig rodeo is Buckingham.
C How does a farmer shop for new cows? With a cattleog.
C What's an Italian's favourite breed of dog? Chow.
D Getting Covid vaccines out to people is a dose-se-do.
E Before surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.
F A man walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees. The clerk carefully counts 13 bees out onto the counter. 'That’s one too many!' says the customer. The clerk replies 'It’s a freebie.
H To support a conservation effort, I "adopted" a manatee. I decided to name him Hugh so that I could say "Oh, the Hugh Manatee!"
I My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered… "Swarm."
K I am Buzz Aldrin. Second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.
K I met my boyfriend while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...straightaway, I knew he was a keeper.
L "Doctor, I'm shrinking!" "Well, you'll have to be a little patient."
L I've never owned a telescope. It's something worth looking into.
L Lance is an uncommon name these days, but in medieval times people were named Lance a lot!
M "Officer, why are you crying while writing my ticket?" "It's a … moving violation."
M Elves are always defending the shape of their ears. They make some good points.
M Every morning after waking up, the first thing I do is make my bed. Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.
M If he won't laugh at your fruit jokes, it's time to let that mango.
M Move and TV set designers don't have tantrum, but they will make a scene.
M My French Lover: Mona Moore
M Tailors won't apologize, but will make amends.
M What is made of cheese and found in Scotland? The Loch Ness Muenster.
O Her: "I have ovaries." Him: "Is that why you ovary act?"
PQ Scientific research is more trustworthy when it comes from France because it's Pierre reviewed.
PQ What happens when you fart in church? You have to sit in your own pew.
R Leaves are chronic livestock thieves because they're always rustling.
R People who design traffic circles are gabby because they talk in a roundabout way.
S For Christmas, I got my girlfriend a gift card for an optician. It will help her see in the New Year.
S Friend: "For this appointment, how does two o'clock sound?" Me: "Bong, bong."
S Hairdressers aren't usually rude, but they can be snippy.
S I hate those people who knock on your door and say you need to get 'saved' or you'll 'burn.' Stupid firemen.
S My friend is obsessed with taking blurry pictures of himself while taking a shower. He has serious selfie steam issues.
S What do you call a wine professional from the horn of Africa? A Somalier.
TU I just saw 10 ants frantically running around my kitchen. I felt bad, so I built them a small house. Now I’m their landlord and I collect rent from my tenants.
TU I went to the shooting range for the first time, but I couldn’t get my gun to fire. I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.
TU The way Christmas is, with all the unwrapping and opening, we should call it Unboxing Day.
TU Why is it so hard to teach elephants to dance? They have two left feet.
VZ With what do dog owners lock your doors? Yorkies!

November 28, 2020
TU What do dentists call their X-rays? Tooth pics.
F The city's parking enforcement officers handed out lots of tickets and were commended for doing a fine job.
O I always thought that orchids were two boys propelling a rowboat.
L Did you know that the Roman Army sold milk wherever it went? It was Legion-Dairy.
C When librarians go into singles bars, do they get checked out?
S I will create a new mixed drink and call it "Marksman" because it will be a shooter.
C I will create another new mixed drink and call it "Bloodhound" because it will be a chaser.
B The motto of a discount hair stylist could be "More Bangs for Your Buck".
B The motto of a discount deer rifle gun shop could also be "More Bangs for Your Buck".
G A hand-cranked coffee mill is the perfect gift for people who think work is a grind and a grind is work.

November 15, 2020
B "Bull in a China Shop!" is an example of breaking news.
B The places where lawyers join their professional association should be saloons, since it's where they're called to the bar.
C Chocolate Treat Revolution!: Cara Melinda Barr
C Doctors and museums have one thing in common: they are judged on their curating.
C What is the preferred mind-altering substance of trades people? Plumber's crack.
J If you need to cut wood while dancing, use a jigsaw.
PQ Dry cleaners are always busy. They have pressing business.
PQ Pencils that are pretty and they know it come from Pennsylvania.
PQ The priest started sweating when he saw the quote for repairing the church's roof because the charge was perspire.
R Do people have to run for president of a jogging club?
R Novice chess players are called rookies.
S "Royal, Navy, Sky, Cornflower…" "What are you doing?" "I'm singing the blues!"
S People coming out of boxing matches with Muhammad Ali were usually sore losers.
TU What would happen if the Plaid Plague Pandemic were left unchecked?
VZ Said one goose to another: "Supporting the humans' winter coat industry is tiresome. It's wearing me down."

October 21, 2020
A Skunks climb by making ascent.
B "I'm losing my hair!" Tom bawled.
B "This wind is awful!" blustered Tom.
B An unsuccessful demolition engineer can only blow up balloons.
C Are people who decide on giving vaccines calling the shots?
C My career as a chess grandmaster was kept in check by my incompetence.
C When I need a ride, I use my Monkey Phone to colobus.
D Assassin dancers prefer to double-tap.
D Cow farts come from the dairy air.
D Zombies don't get exhausted, but they do get dead tired.
G A person making a sales pitch for Glock pistols could use a glockenspiel.
H When economists started making a lot of noise about inflation, I called it a hullaballoon.
I Mathematical functions aren't very poetic, but their inverses are.
O "We can't have this and eat it too," said Tom archaically.
O There was going to be a fancy naming ceremony for a new bug repellent, but it was called off at the last minute.
PQ I think that I'm a good cook, but others claim that I put the queasy in cuisine.
R I got a chocolate monkey for Easter. I took it apart so that I could have Rhesus Pieces.
S Vampires are not suited to be detectives because they don't like stakeouts.
TU I made a video of myself pounding on a tough piece of meat with a mallet after sundown. I'll call it "Tenderize the Night".
VZ For years, Sasquatch has been called Bigfoot, Yeti never complains.

September 5, 2020
A "Why is everything crooked?" "I was going to askew the same thing."
C Apparently there is a Russian resort on the Black Sea which offers cabanas for only 10 kopeks a night. When I heard about it, I wanted to write a song called "Kopek Cabana".
C How do golfers contribute to sports pools? They chip in.
C Sixteen Tons: Cole Minor
F A cheese that is already made is a feta compli.
F A man and his son were fishing in a lake, whose water was rough because it was a windy day. He made a bad cast and the hook snagged in the little hole in the tag of his pants zipper. His son said "Is this why it's called fly fishing?"
F Is a person in a life jacket factory who fills in for others called a float?
I How to Say Farewell to the Flower Girl: Abby Zinnia
K Are macramé pigs made in Nottingham?
L A Soviet-era brand of fabric was called Vladimir Linen.
M The rapping shark called himself M. C. Hammerhead.
M Why I Can Open the Lock: Mikey Fitz
PQ Are mattresses in the California desert made with Palm Springs?
PQ People who prepare poultry may not be brave, but they are plucky.
R A small boat with a bell on it could be called the "Lily Tomlin" - one ringy-dinghy.
S Does a basketball player who specializes in slam-dunks have the right stuff?
S Fred plays the Safety position on the football team. When he said he'd check out Tinder for a Special Someone, Harold said, "Here you go, you'll find your flame here," and gave him some safety matches.
S The Russian King of Entertainment: Sid C Czar
TU Dawdling in a clock store is like shoplifting because you're taking time.
VZ When it comes to dangerous fabrics, is discretion the better part of velour?

August 8, 2020
B To wish an oil driller well, should you say "Have a boring day"?
B What do you call two leg bones that deny the existence of God? Blasfemurs.
C I was tossed out of my local park for arranging squirrels by height. They didn't like my critter sizing.
D A kids' TV show about a magical hat that goes on educational journeys could be called "Fedora the Explorer". Its catchphrase could be "You can stay here, I'll go on ahead."
F With what did Noah illuminate the Ark? Flood lights.
H The motto of a combination veterinary clinic and dog obedience school could be "Here you come to heel."
I How are a priest and a financial advisor similar? A financial advisor works with investments, while a priest works in vestments. And both pray to their chosen Deity that they're doing it right...
K How do you assemble a fox? Well, you start with a kit…
M The song that is most played in fabric stores is Madonna's "Material Girl".
PQ A game that you don't want to play with kids in a fireworks factory is peek-a-boom.
S A small, grubby boat is a dingy dinghy. You can choose where to sit to propel it, as it's an either oar situation.
S Skunks know naturally that they have a potent weapon under their tails. This makes me wonder if they put the stink in instinct.
TU When asked to report on unrest among the brewery workers caused by malfunctioning equipment, the manager said "There's trouble brewing."
TU When pondering the name for a child, do parents say "Toby, or not Toby? That is the question."
VZ Any hole drilled by oil prospectors is a wishing well.

Contributors

Many thanks to the following people who have contributed to the dictionary!

Sonny Scott, Linda Lew, Owen Kaminoff, Jacob Adler.

This page last updated .