Pun Dictionary

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The entire Pun Dictionary as a PDF document to read and enjoy!

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November 15, 2024
B Think of the effort I could save by buying birthday candles at a blow-out sale.
C I tried to walk like an Egyptian, but now I need to see a Cairo practor.
E Supervillains shouldn't be upset when their doomsday devices don't work. It's not the end of the world.
F I don't have a 'dad bod', I have a 'father figure'.
H I Grow Basil and Oregano: Herb Gardiner
I The favourite Beatles song of lizards is 'Iguana Hold Your Hand'.
L I was feeling lonely, so I started a small business. Now I have a little company.
PQ Neil Diamond was named Neil Cole until the pressure got to him.
PQ Why do football players make terrible pilots? They always break the plane before a touchdown.
R I got my son an alarm clock that swears at him instead of beeping. He's in for a rude awakening.

October 14, 2024
B Counterfeiting: Beau Gus Cash
E Why do the French have only one egg for breakfast? Because in France, one egg is an oeuf.
L The most gullible element is easily lead.
PQ Why do Marxists only drink decaf tea? Because proper tea is theft.
PQ 10^{-12 boos = 1 picoboo.}

September 26, 2024
B A fireworks and a brassiere-making company hoped to increase business by merging, but the result was boom and bust.
B I wonder if "Breakfast of Champions" means something different in Zombie Country.
D Why were horse-drawn vehicles so ugly? Because horses can't draw. They can't even hold pens.
E Do oxen turn into horses on the Equine-ox?
H I wanted to tell sheep jokes to my border collie, but was afraid that he'd herd them.
R I recall playtime in elementary school from the recesses of my mind.
R This cookbook is only to be used after earthquakes, tornadoes, or hurricanes. It's called Recipes for Disaster.
S The four seasons are all different. Summer warmer than others.
S Why did I name my pack mule "Sound"? Because Sound carries.
TU "The basketball player wants two new suits by tomorrow." "Wow, that's a tall order."

August 24, 2024
B Would you buy bubble solution from a blow-out sale?
D The doctor told me that my prostate was OK. I was deeply touched.
F There's a rip in my feather pillow. I'm feeling down.
S Scientists have created artificial vocal cords. The results speak for themselves.

August 18, 2024
A I wonder what an arms race would be like in Zombie Territory? One would come in dead last.
H My doctor said that I need more exercise and suggested that I start with lunges. That's a huge step forward.
R "I have a rice paddy that is 1,760 yards long," said Tom with a wry smile.^PR
R As a baker's apprentice, I try to rise to the occasion.
S I always remember my teacher telling me that I had twigs for brains. It sticks in my mind.

August 5, 2024
A I can eat sugar with both hands because I'm ambidextrose!
B Nobody gets rowdy at the Trampoline Tavern because they have lots of bouncers.
B The movie Twisters is taking the theatres by storm.
F When surgeons are learning about amputations, do they have to read "A Farewell to Arms"?
N Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see some new faces today, and I am really disappointed.
TU Corruption is rife at the Pyromaniac Olympics. People are throwing matches everywhere!

July 1, 2024
A What did the bra say to the hat? "You go on ahead, I'll give these two a lift."
B Aircraft Maneuvers: Beryl Roll
D Swords and knives could be illustrated in books using dagger-otype.
F My grocery store presents flash offers to me. Will the local camera shop as well?
R I invested in boomerangs. They have a high rate of return.

June 15, 2024
C My friends kept pressuring me to go spelunking, so I finally caved.
G Why will a pig dressed in black never be bullied? Because Batman has promised to protect Goth ham.
PQ What is a police officer's favourite type of sweater? A pullover.
R I'm thinking of starting an a flight company exclusively for balding people. I will call it 'Receding Airline'.
TU I have kleptomania, but I'm taking something for it.

May 9, 2024
F "I am the Lord of the Dance," said Michael Flatley.^SH
G Civil Engineering Projects: Grady Rhodes
S "Whenever I think of the 80's, I think of a boom box." "That's just a stereo type!"
S Shout out to the people who don't know the opposite of the word "in".
S What do you get when you cross a snail with a porcupine? A slowpoke.

March 9, 2024
A "Are you OK with a Vulcan helping you?" "Of course, why wouldn't I be?" "I was afraid that you'd feel alien aided."
A Avoidable: What a matador attempts to do.
A My salad is dry. This is a problem that needs a dressing.
C Mother bears are experts at childbearing.
F I'm thinking about creating a TV show called "Happy Days". It'll be about a family of printers, but its real star will be the fonts. It will be a drama, so Comic Sans.
I "When I moved out, I got a locket with my picture in it." "You were independent?"
N Feelings of wistfulness around food are called noshtalgia.
N I Make Hands Pretty: Nell Polish
N I am giving away my legless parrot. No perches necessary.
R The new auto body shop that just opened comes highly wreck-a-mended.

January 4, 2024
A "Do you have any books on phobias?" "Sorry, no we don't." "I was afraid of that."
C How can funeral homes raise their prices and blame it on the cost of living?
N Astronaut 1: "I can't find any cream for my coffee!" Astronaut 2: "In space, no one can here use cream."
N People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
O If I were an Army Drill Instructor, I could shout "Descending! That's an order!".

December 18, 2023
B Do people who work in fireworks factories wear their hair in bangs?
B Do sailors who work in fireworks factories avoid the boom while drinking pop?
C What do crows apply to keep them looking youthful? Cawsmetics.
C When to Apply the Heimlich Maneuver: Joe King
N Why was E the only letter to get a Christmas present? Because all of the other letters were not E.

December 4, 2023
B At the start of a competition at a wedding, should you say "May the best man win?"
C Thieves stole a truck that had a cargo of soap. They made a clean getaway.
D "Something is rotten in the state of Denmark" was written long before the Internet Protocol people assigned '.dk' to Danish websites.
D Don't let anyone throw false teeth at your vehicle. They might denture car.
H When zombies are playing football, you have to watch out for the handoff.
N An unemployed jester is nobody's fool.
PQ The best way to evaluate laxatives is by a process of elimination.
PQ What training do you need to be a garbage collector? None. You pick it up as you go along.
R "I didn't have time to jog today." "You say that every day." "Yes, it's a running joke."
R Any game that involves dice is a roll-playing game.

Contributors

Sonny Scott, Linda Lew, Owen Kaminoff, Jacob Adler.