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Puns by Category index page.
The entire Pun Dictionary as a PDF document to read and enjoy!
January 4, 2024
A "Do you have any books on phobias?" "Sorry, no we don't." "I was afraid of that."
C How can funeral homes raise their prices and blame it on the cost of living?
N Astronaut 1: "I can't find any cream for my coffee!" Astronaut 2: "In space, no one can here use cream."
N People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
O If I were an Army Drill Instructor, I could shout "Descending! That's an order!".
December 18, 2023
B Do people who work in fireworks factories wear their hair in bangs?
B Do sailors who work in fireworks factories avoid the boom while drinking pop?
C What do crows apply to keep them looking youthful? Cawsmetics.
C When to Apply the Heimlich Maneuver: Joe King
N Why was E the only letter to get a Christmas present? Because all of the other letters were not E.
December 4, 2023
B At the start of a competition at a wedding, should you say "May the best man win?"
C Thieves stole a truck that had a cargo of soap. They made a clean getaway.
D "Something is rotten in the state of Denmark" was written long before the Internet Protocol people assigned '.dk' to Danish websites.
D Don't let anyone throw false teeth at your vehicle. They might denture car.
H When zombies are playing football, you have to watch out for the handoff.
N An unemployed jester is nobody's fool.
PQ The best way to evaluate laxatives is by a process of elimination.
PQ What training do you need to be a garbage collector? None. You pick it up as you go along.
R "I didn't have time to jog today." "You say that every day." "Yes, it's a running joke."
R Any game that involves dice is a roll-playing game.
October 19, 2023
A Laughing out loud is forbidden in Hawaii because it's a low ha state.
B Should baby boomers be allowed to run fireworks factories?
C "Let's go get some lettuce," said Tom crisply.TW
D I bought a fake koi fish for my pond. It's a dekoi.
D My spouse wanted to talk to me about our high heating bills. I said "My door is always open."
F My wife and I can't count calories and we have the figures to prove it.
G I opened my paycheck envelope and found only parsley. It looks like my celery has been garnished.
I An excellent self-help slogan: Please cancel my subscription to your issues.
M If people make you sick, maybe you should cook them longer.
M One day, I'm going to start collecting highlighters. Mark my words!
O Remember folks, it isn't a yawn, it's a bore-gasm!
R What do you call an unhappy android? A woe-bot.
S I think that my wife is putting glue on my firearms. She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.
S It doesn't make any cents, but volunteering is rewarding.
TU Rapid Hemming and Stitching: Taylor Swift
September 21, 2023
S Before Thing got his role in the Addams Family, he was a stagehand. [Note: "Thing" was a disembodied hand.]
September 14, 2023
A "Why can't I kill any of those Rebel scum?" asked Tom the Stormtrooper aimlessly.
D The movie Speed (1994) incorrectly credits Jan de Bonts as director. If Speed had had any direction, it would have been called Velocity.
M If I could choose to have a super power, it would be invisibility. I just want to make myself clear.
S When a hairdresser is in a hurry, does she take shortcuts?
July 8, 2023
C I used a leafy vegetable to make wine. I call it Chard-onnay.
C There is a new breakfast cereal out for mathematicians called Toasty Numerals. It's for people who like crunching numbers.
C What do you get when you cross a soft drink with a car? Coca-Corolla.
I If this dress isn't right for you, it sarong.
R The Kraken: I'd like to renew my apartment lease, please. Landlord: Re-lease the Kraken!
May 20, 2023
B Why did the deer go to the orthodontist? He had buck teeth.
C To the thief who took my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.
H Why did the Mexican take anxiety medication? To help deal with Hispanic attacks.
I "I think that you have a deep-seated fear of marriage. Do you know the symptoms." "I can't say I do." "Well, that's one of them."
PQ I met my friend at the Arbor Day celebration. We exchanged pleasant trees.
April 30, 2023
F I have a fear of giants: Feefiphobia.
PQ I'm having trouble learning the piano. It's a hard instrument to pick up.
R I had to close my store that sold boomerangs. There were too many returns.
S I have a step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
S The user manual for the ladder was actually a step-by-step guide. It's perfect for social climbers.
April 24, 2023
B My kid didn't know how to get on an airplane, so we sent him to boarding school.
B Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys.
C I married a chess grandmaster from Prague and got a Czech mate.
L I dreamed that I was running around a forest cutting down trees. Does this mean that I'm a slumberjack?
O Would a cereal killer be an oatlaw?
R I started a revival band called The Defibrillators.
R What shape is found in messed-up junkyards? Wreck tangles.
S The English language contains many phrases borrowed from French, like hors d'oeuvres. And that's just for starters.
TU Nothing tops a plain pizza.
April 4, 2023
C What do snowmen call their kids? Chill-dren.
F The Chemistry Nightclub has a cover charge when there are entertainers, but it's freon nights when there aren't.
H If a zombie is feeling sympathetic towards some people, does his heart go out to them?
H Is it only me who would say that baldness is hair-edit-ary?
H Someone threw a jar of mayonnaise at me. I said, "What the Hellman?" I wonder if he was from the Mayo Clinic.
I With all their praying, what religion are mantises? It varies; they're all in sects.
S Clark Kent lost a custody battle for his kids. Now he can only see them with super vision.
S My boss doesn’t like formal titles and said he’d fine us a quarter if we used a title on him. It’s going to be a Sir charge.
S Why did the reporter interview a tub of ice cream? She was looking for the next big scoop.
VZ When I first heard about the play "Inherit the Wind", I thought that it was about the genetics of flatulence.
February 25, 2023
B In what key do cows sing? Beef flat.
D What do you call James Bond taking a bath? Bubble 07.
N Why do they call it a pretzel? Because it's knot bread. Yes, this joke is a bit twisted.
PQ What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A Fizz-ician.
R I decided to start a craft beer brewery and name the product "Revenge" because Revenge is best served cold.
February 9, 2023
D Despite the cartoonist's claim of being retired, she was able to draw a crowd wherever she went.
I I've been secretly plotting with Peruvian owls. We're Inca hoots.
N I have a bird cage made out of aluminum, not nickel. It's a nickeless cage.
R The Borg in Star Trek believe in superconductors: "Resistance is futile."
S NASCAR started a racing league for electric cars. People aren't charged up about it because it's a short circuit.
January 24, 2023
A Advertisers will place ads anywhere, even on promotional glue guns. They say "Put your adhere!"
B I predict that the movie I'm making about building a bra out of Lego will be a blockbuster.
C You may never find a candy muskox or candy moose in Montréal's South Shore, but you will always find a Candiac.
E In algebra, never let x = 10 or you'' have an existential crisis.
I Why do people who are washing dishes work so well together? Because they are in sink with each other.
M The only dress that will fit on a cow is a muumuu.
M When a girl selling matches got caught in a downpour, she sought shelter under an awning. It was a match maiden heaven.
N Bernard Cornwell has written a large number of historical fiction novels featuring Richard Sharpe. They are full of action and excitement, and little wonder, since there's never a dull moment when Sharpe is around!
S The neighbours' goat unlatched the gate and let all the cows and horses out. We blamed the escapegoat.
VZ I'm starting a DNA analysis company for Indiana residents called Hoosier Daddy.
Sonny Scott, Linda Lew, Owen Kaminoff, Jacob Adler.
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