Pun Dictionary

This is a project that I have been wanting to do for a long time: documenting every pun in the English language. Ambitious? Definitely. Misguided? Oh, yes. 8-) Will I ever be able to get them all? I doubt it, but it will be fun to try. I'm starting with my own very large collection drawn from all of my humour files, and I'll see what everyone else sends me. Or what I can come up with myself. First launched April 1, 2007.

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A Entries B Entries C Entries D Entries E Entries
F Entries G Entries H Entries I Entries J Entries
K Entries L Entries M Entries N Entries O Entries
PQ Entries R Entries S Entries TU Entries VZ Entries

Puns by Category index page.

The entire Pun Dictionary as a PDF document to read and enjoy!

Other Puns and Jokes Sites

Be sure to check out the Funny Puns at Pun.me!

Corona Virus Jokes

Animal Jokes

Recent Updates

I decided to create this to make it easier for people to see the new jokes. 8-) Updates occur irregularly and without warning. 8-) Total in the collection is now 5,135!

January 4, 2024
A "Do you have any books on phobias?" "Sorry, no we don't." "I was afraid of that."
C How can funeral homes raise their prices and blame it on the cost of living?
N Astronaut 1: "I can't find any cream for my coffee!" Astronaut 2: "In space, no one can here use cream."
N People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
O If I were an Army Drill Instructor, I could shout "Descending! That's an order!".

December 18, 2023
B Do people who work in fireworks factories wear their hair in bangs?
B Do sailors who work in fireworks factories avoid the boom while drinking pop?
C What do crows apply to keep them looking youthful? Cawsmetics.
C When to Apply the Heimlich Maneuver: Joe King
N Why was E the only letter to get a Christmas present? Because all of the other letters were not E.

December 4, 2023
B At the start of a competition at a wedding, should you say "May the best man win?"
C Thieves stole a truck that had a cargo of soap. They made a clean getaway.
D "Something is rotten in the state of Denmark" was written long before the Internet Protocol people assigned '.dk' to Danish websites.
D Don't let anyone throw false teeth at your vehicle. They might denture car.
H When zombies are playing football, you have to watch out for the handoff.
N An unemployed jester is nobody's fool.
PQ The best way to evaluate laxatives is by a process of elimination.
PQ What training do you need to be a garbage collector? None. You pick it up as you go along.
R "I didn't have time to jog today." "You say that every day." "Yes, it's a running joke."
R Any game that involves dice is a roll-playing game.

October 19, 2023
A Laughing out loud is forbidden in Hawaii because it's a low ha state.
B Should baby boomers be allowed to run fireworks factories?
C "Let's go get some lettuce," said Tom crisply.TW
D I bought a fake koi fish for my pond. It's a dekoi.
D My spouse wanted to talk to me about our high heating bills. I said "My door is always open."
F My wife and I can't count calories and we have the figures to prove it.
G I opened my paycheck envelope and found only parsley. It looks like my celery has been garnished.
I An excellent self-help slogan: Please cancel my subscription to your issues.
M If people make you sick, maybe you should cook them longer.
M One day, I'm going to start collecting highlighters. Mark my words!
O Remember folks, it isn't a yawn, it's a bore-gasm!
R What do you call an unhappy android? A woe-bot.
S I think that my wife is putting glue on my firearms. She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.
S It doesn't make any cents, but volunteering is rewarding.
TU Rapid Hemming and Stitching: Taylor Swift

September 21, 2023
S Before Thing got his role in the Addams Family, he was a stagehand. [Note: "Thing" was a disembodied hand.]

September 14, 2023
A "Why can't I kill any of those Rebel scum?" asked Tom the Stormtrooper aimlessly.
D The movie Speed (1994) incorrectly credits Jan de Bonts as director. If Speed had had any direction, it would have been called Velocity.
M If I could choose to have a super power, it would be invisibility. I just want to make myself clear.
S When a hairdresser is in a hurry, does she take shortcuts?

July 8, 2023
C I used a leafy vegetable to make wine. I call it Chard-onnay.
C There is a new breakfast cereal out for mathematicians called Toasty Numerals. It's for people who like crunching numbers.
C What do you get when you cross a soft drink with a car? Coca-Corolla.
I If this dress isn't right for you, it sarong.
R The Kraken: I'd like to renew my apartment lease, please. Landlord: Re-lease the Kraken!

May 20, 2023
B Why did the deer go to the orthodontist? He had buck teeth.
C To the thief who took my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.
H Why did the Mexican take anxiety medication? To help deal with Hispanic attacks.
I "I think that you have a deep-seated fear of marriage. Do you know the symptoms." "I can't say I do." "Well, that's one of them."
PQ I met my friend at the Arbor Day celebration. We exchanged pleasant trees.

April 30, 2023
F I have a fear of giants: Feefiphobia.
PQ I'm having trouble learning the piano. It's a hard instrument to pick up.
R I had to close my store that sold boomerangs. There were too many returns.
S I have a step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
S The user manual for the ladder was actually a step-by-step guide. It's perfect for social climbers.

April 24, 2023
B My kid didn't know how to get on an airplane, so we sent him to boarding school.
B Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys.
C I married a chess grandmaster from Prague and got a Czech mate.
L I dreamed that I was running around a forest cutting down trees. Does this mean that I'm a slumberjack?
O Would a cereal killer be an oatlaw?
R I started a revival band called The Defibrillators.
R What shape is found in messed-up junkyards? Wreck tangles.
S The English language contains many phrases borrowed from French, like hors d'oeuvres. And that's just for starters.
TU Nothing tops a plain pizza.

April 4, 2023
C What do snowmen call their kids? Chill-dren.
F The Chemistry Nightclub has a cover charge when there are entertainers, but it's freon nights when there aren't.
H If a zombie is feeling sympathetic towards some people, does his heart go out to them?
H Is it only me who would say that baldness is hair-edit-ary?
H Someone threw a jar of mayonnaise at me. I said, "What the Hellman?" I wonder if he was from the Mayo Clinic.
I With all their praying, what religion are mantises? It varies; they're all in sects.
S Clark Kent lost a custody battle for his kids. Now he can only see them with super vision.
S My boss doesn’t like formal titles and said he’d fine us a quarter if we used a title on him. It’s going to be a Sir charge.
S Why did the reporter interview a tub of ice cream? She was looking for the next big scoop.
VZ When I first heard about the play "Inherit the Wind", I thought that it was about the genetics of flatulence.

February 25, 2023
B In what key do cows sing? Beef flat.
D What do you call James Bond taking a bath? Bubble 07.
N Why do they call it a pretzel? Because it's knot bread. Yes, this joke is a bit twisted.
PQ What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper? A Fizz-ician.
R I decided to start a craft beer brewery and name the product "Revenge" because Revenge is best served cold.

February 9, 2023
D Despite the cartoonist's claim of being retired, she was able to draw a crowd wherever she went.
I I've been secretly plotting with Peruvian owls. We're Inca hoots.
N I have a bird cage made out of aluminum, not nickel. It's a nickeless cage.
R The Borg in Star Trek believe in superconductors: "Resistance is futile."
S NASCAR started a racing league for electric cars. People aren't charged up about it because it's a short circuit.

January 24, 2023
A Advertisers will place ads anywhere, even on promotional glue guns. They say "Put your adhere!"
B I predict that the movie I'm making about building a bra out of Lego will be a blockbuster.
C You may never find a candy muskox or candy moose in Montréal's South Shore, but you will always find a Candiac.
E In algebra, never let x = 10 or you'' have an existential crisis.
I Why do people who are washing dishes work so well together? Because they are in sink with each other.
M The only dress that will fit on a cow is a muumuu.
M When a girl selling matches got caught in a downpour, she sought shelter under an awning. It was a match maiden heaven.
N Bernard Cornwell has written a large number of historical fiction novels featuring Richard Sharpe. They are full of action and excitement, and little wonder, since there's never a dull moment when Sharpe is around!
S The neighbours' goat unlatched the gate and let all the cows and horses out. We blamed the escapegoat.
VZ I'm starting a DNA analysis company for Indiana residents called Hoosier Daddy.


Many thanks to the following people who have contributed to the dictionary!

Sonny Scott, Linda Lew, Owen Kaminoff, Jacob Adler.

This page last updated .