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Puns by Category index page.
The entire Pun Dictionary as a PDF document to read and enjoy!
January 12, 2021
A With what do monkeys shoot down airplanes? A macaque gun.
C A series of university lectures on hydrology could be called the "Water Course".
I Someone asked me what the ninth letter of the alphabet is. It was a total guess, but I was right.
K When Scots undress, they also become unbalanced because they're off-kilter.
O Why does Santa not have to pay for parking? Because it's on the house.
PQ Since the guy in the Spiderman suit does all sorts of acrobatic leaping and climbing, his name should be Peter Parkour.
PQ Who better to write a pop song about quiche than Kesha?
S I didn't think that I needed orthopedic shoes, but now I stand corrected.
S I was surprised to learn that Bob Saget was born on May 17, and thus is a Taurus. I'd thought he'd have been a Sagittarius.
S The movie "Querying the Database 2" was a totally unnecessary SQL. (For "normal" people, SQL is pronounced "Sequel".)
December 21, 2021
C Adding Flaming Decals to Vehicles: Carson Fire
M I just invented a thought-controlled air freshener. It's not illogical, it makes scents when you think about it.
H When cannibals play cards, they deal hands.
S I heard Marvel Comics is the new main sponsor of the NHL. The champion now gets the Stan Lee Cup.
G "Yes, I love money!" Tom agreed.
C In Greek mythology, Chiron was not only half-human and half-horse, but also a doctor of medicine. This made him a Centaur of Disease Control.
N I have to work late at the museum, moving suits of armour. I hate knight shifts.
PQ At an Agricultural Fair, I passed by a farmer who was proudly standing next to his prize-winning ewe named Princess. My suggestion of calling her the Queen of She-baa was not well received, as the farmer tried to ram his fist into my head.
November 25, 2021
A At Last, Thanksgiving Dinner Is Over: Emile Eden
B When a wind instrument player flubs a note, do we say that he blew it?
D I only paid $2 for this handful of herbs. It's a great dill.
E Nuns tend to gather in groups of two pairs due to fours of habit.
E When I see a sign on a bin that says "Empty When Full", I always wonder how something can be empty when it's full?
F Very runny glue is fast paste.
F What do nuclear scientists like to eat? Fission chips.
G A vegan once told me that people who sell meat are disgusting. I told him that people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.
H Can ghosts get sick with the hauntavirus?
N What do you call a Viking that is full of himself? A Norse-icisst.
O When a hospital is out of commission due to a power failure, it's non-operational.
PQ If your nose was on strike, would you picket?
PQ What does a farmer use to tune her piano? A pitch fork.
R Why are jockeys so focused on the well-being of their horses? Their careers are riding on them.
S I've seen "Low Rider" cars and pickup trucks that are jacked up to the sky. Both require a suspension of disbelief.
S The new optometric clinic is beautiful. It's a site for sore eyes.
S The quality of dad jokes is measured with a sighsmograph.
S What did the skeleton bring to the Halloween pot-luck? Spare ribs.
S When a witch is proof-reading, is she doing a spell check?
TU I just bought a reversible jacket. I'm excited to see how it turns out.
VZ I found out that my wife is a ghost. I had my suspicions from the moment she walked through the door.
October 7, 2021
B When traffic cops pull over a U-Haul, they are dancing because they're busting a move.
C Serving Food and Drinks at Parties: Kate Turing
F Do apple pickers get to enjoy the fruits of their labours?
G What's a monster's favourite lubricant? Gargoil.
R In Britain they call it a "lift". In North America, it's called an "elevator". I guess that they're raised differently.
TU A century ago, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Now everyone owns a car and only the rich own horses. The stables have turned.
September 14, 2021
B The house of worship dedicated to Saint Herb is probably a basil-ica.
C If a golfer needs to find an assistant, a good place to start looking is Cádiz.
C The best place for golfers in Spain to find an assistant is Cádiz.
C Vampires aren't very good at math, unless you Count Dracula.
D Why don't lute players ever perform in pairs? The sound would become diluted.
E A long letter in Santa's in-basket
Made him feel like he would blow a gasket.
"You shouldn't feel blue,
If I say that you
Should not put all your begs in one ask-it."
E Why did the archaeopteryx catch the worm? Because it was an early bird.
G We applaud puppets by giving them a hand.
M I adopted a dog from a blacksmith. As soon as I got home, he made a bolt for the door.
M Life in the Army: Millie Terry and Reggie Mantle
PQ I came up with a complex striptease routine, but I don't know if I can pull it off.
R "I'll dig another ditch around the castle," said Tom remotely.
R Fundraising: Ray Samani
R I went into Starbucks the other day and asked for their mildest roast. The barista said “You have very average ears”
R Why do rebels like revolving doors? Because they're revolutionary.
VZ Where do vegetarians eat their dinner? At the vege-table.
August 8, 2021
A What kind of time isn't free? A loan time.
C Did you hear about the explosion at a clothing store? There were casual tees everywhere.
C If A is for Apple and B is for Banana then what is C for? A Plastic Explosive.
C What's a rooster's favourite alcoholic drink? A cocktail.
E A French customs officer confiscated my crate of snails. Now I have less cargo.
F Why did the stadium get hot? Because all the fans left.
G Emile Zola's mythical monster Halloween costume was really cheesy because he became a Gorgonzola.
I When Is Christmas?: Cindy Sember
K No matter how kind you are, German kids are Kinder.
O If marriage becomes illegal, only outlaws will have in-laws.
PQ Where do bad rainbows go? Prism. It's a light sentence.
S A lady whose last name is Heard,
Once told me "This is not absurd:
I am very keen
To marry Ken Zeen
So I can be Zeen and not Heard!"
S I just drew a bad self-portrait. That is so unlike me.
S Lisping chemists apologize with Thorium.
S Mediocre needlework is so-sewing.
S What do you call a yam in a hotel? A suite potato.
TU I just ate a dictionary. It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
TU I wonder if corrupt judo athletes throw their matches.
TU If you are on a vacation, avoid any attraction called "Handcuffs". It's a two-wrist trap.
VZ The worst motel I've ever stayed in was called The Fiddle. It was a vile inn.
July 24, 2021
A What's the most aggressive type of fish? Assault water fish.
B A really good soup makes me want to bake bisque-its.
C My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I'm camping, I won't be covered.
F The amusement park ride had to be made of iron because it was a ferrous wheel.
G Jokes told in Sign Language are jest-iculations.
G My friend couldn't pay his water bill, so I sent him a "Get Well Soon" card.
K I like being a clockmaker. I can keep my own hours.
M Why aren't gardeners more wealthy? They can make a mint anytime they want.
N I know a lot of jokes in sign language. And I guarantee you that nobody has ever heard them.
N When I first heard about the TV show The Flying Nun, I thought that it was about the Mitsubishi Zero.
R Where did the cybercriminals go? I don't know, they ransomeware.
S A really strong person who makes broths and chowders can be called Souperman.
TU I have never seen a restaurant offer a "Chuck Norris burger" for takeout. Maybe that's because you don't take out a Chuck Norris burger, it takes out you. Its Secret Sauce also has quite a kick.
TU You can tell that poltergeists manufactured faucets when they were alive because of all the taps they make now.
June 20, 2021
F While taking the pilot's exam, she flew through a rainbow and passed with flying colours.
G Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.
H "I'm addicted to buying Beatles albums." "It sounds like you need help." "No thanks, I already have that one."
M I got a job in a factory making plastic Draculas. There are only two of us and it's time-sensitive, so I have to make every second count.
O What did one plate say to the other? "Tonight, dinner's on me."
PQ How much does a rainbow weigh? Not much. It's pretty light.
S I just read in the newspaper that someone pickpocketed a dwarf. How could anyone stoop so low?
S When the surgeon told a joke, I was left in stitches.
TU I bought a wig for a dollar. It was a small price toupée.
TU You probably shouldn't buy eggs at an "unbeatable price".
June 6, 2021
A Baseball teams should try hard to win, but they shouldn't go all out.
A The CEO of IKEA was elected Prime Minister of Sweden. He's currently assembling his cabinet.
B "Look out below!" is a lookout bellow when you are standing on a high observation post.
PQ Elaborate stickhandling and puck transfer is a phase hockey players go through. It's just a passing fancy.
PQ Why did the hockey player get slapped? He kept making passes at women.
S The party to celebrate the unearthing of the world's largest dinosaur leg bone was quite the shindig.
May 30, 2021
B My nickname in school was "Batteries" because I wasn't included in anything.
F Did you know that the video game Mortal Kombat was based on Scandinavian church music? It was a Finnish hymn.
I Pi does not belong in philosophy. It's too irrational.
M Someone stole my coffee cup. Now I have to go to the police station to look at mug shots.
S What do you call a person who writes lyrics about sewing machines? A Singer songwriter.
S Where do you go to learn how to make ice cream desserts? Sundae school.
May 21, 2021
A Borrowed money is always by itself because it’s a loan.
C The first draft of Tennessee Williams' play about a dysfunctional family featured a squabble over a Japanese sword and was called "Katana Hot Tin Roof".
F I got a D- on my medical exam. Apparently, I'm in failing health.
L A Chemistry teacher gave a very skillful and inspiring lecture in class. It was a lab oratory!
L A bank employee becomes a Western hero when she is the Loan Arranger.
L What He Will Do to the Grass: Lonnie Mowat
N What's a vampire's favourite fruit? Necktarines.
S How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.
May 15, 2021
A The Invisible Man married the Invisible Woman. Their kids aren't much to look at, either.
D How do you find the gym at Hogwarts? You look for the dumbbell door.
D What kind of coffee does a baby cow drink? De-calf.
H Raptor-Shaped Flowers: Holly Hawks
M How does a hamburger introduce his wife? "Hello, meet Patty."
PQ I had to quite my job as a deep-sea diving instructor. The pressure was too much.
PQ I recently took a poll and 100% of people were annoyed when the tent collapsed.
PQ My daughter is deciding between being a bartender and a barista for her career. I think they're both pour choices.
PQ People who fly airplanes are great at flattery. They really know how to pilot on.
PQ Some people say being a waiter is a bad job, but it puts food on the table.
R My friend keeps bragging that he got into massage school. I don't know why he has to keep rubbing it in.
R The Eraser Gang keeps getting involved in rubouts.
R The official mustard of southern Brazil is Rio Dijon-eiro.
S A group of mountaineers formed a club and decided to call themselves the Social Climbers.
S Shouldn't "gentlemen's clubs" be located in strip malls?
TU After they'd had kids, the Invisible Man and Invisible Woman changed their genders. They became trans parents.
April 24, 2021
A "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?" "Yes, we arson."
B Is the best way to catch a British Peer with a baronet?
C My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.
C Which dinosaur gets up the earliest? The Crackodon.
C Whenever my girlfriend is sad, I let her draw things on my body. I gave her a shoulder to crayon.
D Do skydiving schools have a lot of dropouts during the Fall semester?
E If the British government were to hand out online Peerages, would they be urldoms?
E Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.
H I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.
I A doctor saw the Invisible Man when she admitted him to the ICU.
I I went to the toy store and asked the assistant "Where are the Schwarzenegger dolls?" "Aisle B, back."
N A broken guitar can be given as a gift with no strings attached.
O A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.
PQ People who aren't good at haggling wind up paying the price.
PQ When the clouds alternately hide and reveal the mountain tops, we say that the mountains are playing peak-a-boo.
PQ Why did Willie Nelson get hit by a car? He was playing On The Road Again.
R I took a long nap yesterday. The rest is history.
R I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
S Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.
S What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? "Suture self."
TU What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.
TU The Next Day: Tom Morrow
April 13, 2021
A How do you help your female sibling? A sister.
A We just bought an authentic Van Gogh coffee table. We know it's authentic because there's a bit of veneer missing.
B The monk who saw the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine said "I can't believe it's not Buddha."
D Deli shops buy bread from a bakery called the Deli Bread.
D If the chief Buddhist became a surrealist painter, he could be called Salvador Dali Lama.
D What do you call a person who can't stick to a diet? A desserter.
D What is the most famous Buddhist sandwich shop? The Deli Lama.
E An anesthesiologist will dress up as the Ether Bunny before going into the boxing ring so that she could win by knockout.
F The element that can be walked on is fluorine.
H Running a store that sells hats made from marijuana hemp is expensive because there's high overhead.
H When a rabbit goes to a new owner, it's called a hare transplant.
I Apple will make its car in Korea. It will fold flat and require some assembly and will be called iKia.
M I got a rejection letter from Origami University. I don't know what to make of it.
M Never moon a werewolf.
R Temper tantrums are not just a fad, they're all the rage.
R What rock group has four men that don’t sing? Mount Rushmore.
S I accidentally drank some invisible ink. Now I'm in the emergency room waiting to be seen.
S What does a chemist farmer do with her seeds? Sodium.
TU A chemist wanted neckwear that would turn brown in the sun, so she made it from titanium.
TU Which element turns brown in the sun? Tantalum.
VZ I tried to come up with a pun about carpentry, but nothing wood work.
March 28, 2021
B I fell asleep last night while reading old magazines. This morning I woke up with back issues.
B I was the drummer for a band called Borscht. I never missed a beat!
C The caw of an angry crow is like a flower: a crow-cuss.
G If a gardener were to be imprisoned for a financial crime, it would be for graft.
G If you encounter a ghoul, kill and burn it. Then you can have ghoul ash for dinner.
H I wanted to start a professional hide-and-seek team, but couldn't. Good players are hard to find.
L Firefighter Chiefs prefer to wear leader-hosen.
PQ "Do you know what Sin City is?" "Las Vegas." "How about Den Sity?" "Mass over Volume."
R Bread dough put in the oven should be called "Zombie", since the dead will rise.
TU I wanted to start a new diet, but I have way too much on my plate right now.
March 6, 2021
F If your children are looking for a career, have them consider farming. There’s good money in that field.
L When his ears were criticized, the MMA fighter responded with a sucker punch. It was a lobe low.
PQ I just Googled "Missing medieval servant" and the result was "Page not found".
S Does launching a blue spacecraft make someone a rocket cyantist?
TU A photographer was thrown out of an art gallery because he kept taking pictures.
TU Do train drivers ever get qualified or are they always in training?
February 26, 2021
A A shipment of weight loss pills was stolen this morning. The suspects are still at large.Pun.me
B It's not that the man didn't know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.Pun.me
D I installed a high-voltage electric fence around my property. My neighbour is dead against it.Pun.me
E Cows lie down in the rain to keep each udder dry.Pun.me
F Humpty Dumpty had a terrible summer, but he had a great fall.Pun.me
F I'll never be a champion dwarf thrower. All my efforts fall short.
G A goalie's goal in life is to have no goals.
J My grandma told me that her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.Pun.me
L He didn't tell his mother that he had eaten some glue. His lips were sealed.Pun.me
L If the judge loves the sound of his/her voice, expect a long sentence.Pun.me
M My wife applied to work at the post office, but they wouldn't letter. They said only mails work here.Pun.me
O Why do astronauts' computers use the Linux operating system? You can't open Windows in space.
R I hate carrying my luggage around the airport. I rest my case.Pun.me
S I wanted to be an astronaut when I grew up, but my parents told me that the sky is the limit.Pun.me
S People prefer houses with basements. They're best cellars.Pun.me
TU I wanted to learn Braille, but it's a touchy subject.Pun.me
TU She wears glasses in Math class because it improves division.Pun.me
TU When I get naked in the bathroom, only the shower gets turned on.Pun.me
VZ My wife told me to stop speaking in numbers, but I didn't 1 2.Pun.me
February 7, 2021
B Beware the flattering cannibal. He's trying to butter you up.
C Did you hear about the heavy-metal band Cadmium? They've just released a new Cd at the Neon, you know the seedy club downtown.
D I banished all of the fighting Transformers when I played a card from my pocket. It was a deuce ex machina.
F I opened the garage door and saw that my bike tires needed tuning because they were a bit flat.
H Charlie the Chickpea was found crushed to death. It was ruled a hummus-cide
L A British city has gone missing. Police are currently looking for Leeds.
O A new card deck gets broken when it's shuffled because then it's out of order.
O If I had to rate this solar system, I'd give it one star.
PQ My friend spent a lot of time washing his car, only to put a blob of mustard on the hood. "If I put my Gray Poupon the car, maybe the birds won't," was his rationalization.
S I just spent $300 to rent a limo and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver. I can't believe that I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.
S I know a guy who started building boats in his attic. His sails went through the roof.
TU I just found out that Einstein was real. I thought that he was just a theoretical physicist.
VZ Don't you just hate it when you're picking up your bags at the airport and everyone's luggage is better than yours? Worst-case scenario.
VZ Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if they were pruned.
VZ Having an emoji with "Yes!" on it would be motivational because it would be the Yes icon.
January 24, 2021
A I wonder if ballet dancers have to a-plié to join a company, or just audition.
B Did you hear about the big fight at the seafood restaurant? Battered fish were everywhere!
C There was a burglary at the wig shop. Police are combing the area.
D "Crete is boring" + "Crete is ugly" = 2, at least in discrete mathematics.
D If the New Years Eve guys in New York foul up during the show, we could say that they dropped the ball.
D What rank does a dentist in the army hold? A drill sergeant.
E A snail got himself a fast car with the letter S on its side. He wanted to drive really quickly so that people would say "Look at that S car go!"
G "Why does my coffee taste like mud?" "I don't know. It was ground a few minutes ago."
G I had a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tires and roll me downhill. Those were Goodyears.
G What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar on New Year's Eve? He got 12 months.
H Living through the accident in the farmer's field was a harrowing experience.
L Why can't pirates recite the alphabet? They get lost at C.
M Have you ever tried blind-folded archery? You don't know what you're missing.
M I made a gumbo with just beef and okra. It wasn't all that good, it was just meaty okra.
M If the actor Mr. T. had called himself Mr. E., nobody would have known what he was doing.
PQ I don't know why people have a problem with wigs. It's a look anyone can pull off.
PQ One ink spot walked up to another ink spot and said "Why are you crying?" The other ink spot replied "because my dad is in the pen and I don't know how long the sentence will be!"
R Is a person who judges dog or cat shows a ref-furry?
S You know a person is crooked when they won't give a straight answer.
TU Why did 1/5 get a massage? Because it was two tenths.
TU Why is 4 afraid of 5? Because it's 22.
TU Yes, you can tuna fish by adjusting the scales.
VZ Can anyone remember that chiropractor joke I posted about a week back?
VZ Grandpa used to dig holes for wells as a profession. You could say he was well into holesales.
VZ If I were to raise the alarm about corruption in the Referee's Union, would that make me a whistle-blower whistleblower?
VZ When my friend ate a calculator, I defended him by saying "He may be strange, but it's what inside him that counts."
Sonny Scott, Linda Lew, Owen Kaminoff, Jacob Adler.
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