Pun Dictionary

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The entire Pun Dictionary as a PDF document to read and enjoy!

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December 29, 2025
R This morning, I coughed up a pawn, a bishop, and a rook. I must have a chess infection. I'm expecting a rough knight.

December 15, 2025
A If a king sleeps on a king-sized bed and a queen sleeps on a queen-sized bed, where does a prince sleep? An heir mattress.
C Does Santa hang his red suit in the Santa Clauset?
C Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Smoking bacon cures it.
H I tried a brand of beer called Kangaroo. You could really taste the hops.
S What do you do if you're addicted to seaweed? Sea kelp.
VZ What did the sushi say to the bee? "Wasabi?"

November 24, 2025
TU Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck were playing Bridge with two young goats. Bugs said, "Daffy, I think that we're going to take all the cards this time." One of the goats replied, "Silly rabbit, tricks are for kids."
TU If a bunch of movie previews were made featuring farm equipment, they'd be called tractor trailers.
J I decided to call my printer 'Peanut Butter' because the paper keeps jamming.
A Why is bubblegum like a sneeze? Both start with a chew.
N Cops won't arrest Noah when he's tired because there's no arrest for the weary.

November 5, 2025
D "I have successfully combined an cardiac resuscitation machine with a lie detector." "You can test it on me." "I'm busy now, but will de-fib-you later."
F I wonder if the folks in Québec call Star Wars Day (May the Fourth be with you) Boba Fête Nationale?
J The giant redwood trees have a presence that is hard to describe, a je ne sequoia if you will.
M Very Old People: Matthew Selah
M What do they call Cornish game hens in Oz? Munchickens.
M Which shade of red is worth a million dollars? Vermilion.
S According to Japanese folk tradition, one's aura changes colour to cyan just before death. Hence, cyan-aura.
VZ If I were to open a combination restaurant and cannabis store, I'd call it Weed and Feed.
VZ Me to the librarian: "Where are books about amplifiers?" Librarian: "Which volume?"
VZ What do you call two birds stuck together? Velcrows.

October 23, 2025
A If I could form a punk rock band, I'd have our first record named "Only Butt" because it's an album.
B What dessert comes from musical volcanoes? Bach lava.
B Why are there no vampires in Africa? Because holy water kills them, and They Bless the Rains in Africa.
C Whoever came up with "A penny for your thoughts", "Don't nickel and dime me", and "Another day, another dollar" sure knew how to coin a phrase.
D The art book I bought did not include a final chapter. You draw your own conclusion.
F I tried to steal a fencing sword, but was foiled.
PQ When can margarine be used as a floor covering? When it's Parkay. (Note the wooden delivery of the joke.)
S "Do you want some more hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
S Avoid dangerous cults. Practice safe sects.
S Never tell a taxidermist to get stuffed.

September 2, 2025
C The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free. But the bull charges.
F If I need to install linoleum with a floral pattern, should I call a florist?
K I designed a toilet shaped like a large lizard and called it the Commode-o Dragon.
N People who are always on the move aren't angry because they're nomads.
PQ I asked my doctor if there was anything I could take for my kleptomania. Sadly, he's not aware of a pilfer that.

August 3, 2025
B "Bro, do you want this pamphlet?" "Bro, sure."
C The Minotaur was the first cowboy.
R A rap group decided to call themselves 'Criminal' so that when they release an album it can be a Criminal Record.
S What did the left eye say to the right eye? "Between you and me, something smells."
VZ What do you call a librarian with a sunburn? Well-read.

July 6, 2025
A The florist didn't have the right flowers, so we had to make other arrangements.
A The problem that seniors have with gardening is that it's at ground level.^MS
B If I set off an explosion with a leg bone, I'll go to Hell. Heaven doesn't want blast femurs.
C What's the best way to encourage an electrician? Say "You conduit!"
H Where does a knight go to buy a suit of armor? A hardware store.
M If a cattle rancher wants to put on a dress, should she select a muumuu?
M When you are barbecuing, be careful where you drop the wood or you'll get mesquite toes.
O I found a recipe from Morocco for dinner rolls. It called for fresh thyme, but mine wasn't, and I really liked those old thyme Moroccan rolls.
TU I bought myself a first aid kit. I thought I'd treat myself.
TU Leg bones in the Roun-Noranda region are called Abitibias.

May 24, 2025
A My Honda Accord was struck by lightning and acquired a positive charge. Then it started playing music. It had become and Accord-ion.
C I lost my mountaineering textbook. Now all I have is Cliff Notes.
H A person wearing a green outfit with pointed ears and driving a hearse will always be female, because she's a hearse-elf.
S I once asked a woman for a date and she said that my face looked like the back of a boat. I said nothing, but gave her a stern look.
VZ If there's any band that will do a COPD benefit concert, it's Weezer.

April 17, 2025
F He wasn't the best lumberjack, but he was a decent feller.
F There's a movie about a hardware store that gives away key duplicates on Fridays. It's called Free Key Friday.
PQ My girlfriend wrote on a balloon: "Will you propose to me?" "I quickly popped the question."
R Viking writers didn't do a good job. They'd rune manuscripts.
S I told my wife that I thought that our kids were spoiled. She said they all smell like that.
S Yoga practitioners are great at carrying injured people, since they are stretchers.
TU I am too busy to eat a clock. It's too time-consuming and I really don't want seconds.

March 15, 2025
B "I can't get any breaks!" is not what you want to say when you're driving.
D When an idiot swears, he's in Syria because it's a dumb-ass cuss.
L I haven't kept my subscription to Scrabble Club. Now they're sending me threatening letters.
S A comedian faced down a bully because someone told him to standup for himself.
TU Now for our next band, please welcome The Subtractions. Take it away, boys!

January 11, 2025
F I do well at origami competitions because I fold under pressure.
F When dentists go on vacation, do they need someone filling in for them?
K If a comedian's show goes down in flames, does it get called comic-kaze?
TU "I built a model of Mount Everest." "Is it to scale?" "No, it's to look at."
TU When a boxer was asked about the secret of his 10-0 record, he replied "I make my socks out of underwear. That way I will always be undie-feeted."

January 1, 2025
A When is a boat like snow? When it's a drift.
H "We archeologists can't be named or be married to anyone named Edith." "Why?" "Because we can't have archaic and Edith too."
L Putting my hair in a bun is a prerequisite for losing weight with a loaf hat diet.
L How can you tell that grasshoppers are poor? They live in locust housing.
PQ What was the politest dinosaur? The Plesiosaur.

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Sonny Scott, Linda Lew, Owen Kaminoff, Jacob Adler.