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March 4, 2018:
A A posh fund-raising soirée to support orphaned kangaroos needed a logo. I suggested a leafy vegetable: A Roo Gala.
B Monarch of the Swindlers: Bill King
B There exists a reporting application called Tableau. In a business environment, one should say "This is a job for Tableau!", not "This is a Tableau job!"
B Why do programmers hate nature? It has too many bugs.
B You can't plant flowers if you haven't botany.
C I wasn't going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
C The chronological progression of a taxi is measured by a leafy vegetable: cabbage.
C Why is your nose in the middle of your face? Because it's the scenter.
D Cartoonists' feuds can be really long and drawn-out.
D Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
E Let's hope that Elon Musk doesn't get involved in a scandal because ElonGate would be really drawn out.
F When William joined the army, he came to dislike the phrase "Fire at will".
H "I'm so good with horses that I'm called the Horse Whisperer." "Oh yeah? When I get laryngitis, I become a hoarse whisperer!"
H Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.
H Why didn't the Mexican shoot his bow? Because he didn't habanero.
N Grandma: "Who was the good kid who cut the grass?" Grandkid: "Nanaimo!"
S A prisoner's favourite punctuation mark is the period because it marks the end of his sentence.
S Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
S People in improv troupes don't get nervous, but they do get a little skittish.
S Why do Swedish navy ships have big bar codes on the side? When they get into port, the Admiral can Scandinavian.
TU My friend tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
VZ Why don't more couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.
December 31, 2017:
A Which tomato is scented? A Roma!
F "I have created a new colour called groozle!" "There is no such colour! It's a pigment of your imagination!"
F A martial arts film involving people in animal costumes could be called Fist of Furry.
F There was a company that sold paper to origami enthusiasts, but it folded.
L A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I said "That's the last thing I need!"
PQ "I loved my stuffed pig so much that I dyed it purple!" "I didn't know that pigment so much to you."
PQ As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.
PQ I wanted to watch the origami competition on the TV, but it was on paper view.
PQ When the mathematician's parrot gets hungry, it turns into a polynomial.
R Carpets can't just be tough, they must be rugged.
S I just swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
S The other shapes are cannibals because they eat three square meals a day.
TU A delicatessen for running enthusiasts could be called the Track Meat.
TU A singles bar for running enthusiasts could be called the Track Meet.
TU Do fishing professionals participate in Throwback Thursdays?
TU I swallowed a dictionary. It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
TU Matt the Magician did an amazing quick-change trick while driving. He turned into his driveway.
VZ Garments worn by the military and first responders are grown on unifarms.
VZ In the movie Casablanca, if Rick had been a mathematician, he could have said "Here's looking at Euclid."
VZ Skeletons clean the ice with Zambonys.
VZ When the triangle got into a serious car crash, it became a rectangle.
December 31, 2017:
A People who design dog houses are barkitects.
B Preparing new shoes for use is like being a burglar, since you have to break them in.
B They're called stock brokers because you're seldom richer after you deal with them.
D Any character on Game of Thrones who runs away from Brienne could be on Star Wars, as a Tarth Evader.
D I can't believe that I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
D When a person playing cards gets frustrated, does s/he say "I can't deal with this any more!"
D When we want to change the colour of coins, do we dime?
F My seismologist friend got a job predicting earthquakes. He's a real faults prophet.
I When people are recovering from eye surgery, do they wake up in the ICU?
M Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight. There would be mass confusion.
O What did the egg say when it was set on fire? "Om lit!"
PQ A peeled apple that's ready to eat has been pre-pared for you.
PQ If a chess player were to set up a swindle, would it be called a pawnzi scheme?
PQ The Well-Appointed Irish Veranda: Paddy O'FurnitureJA
PQ When a quarterback declines an offer, does he say "I'll pass"?
TU What the Sun Does to Your Skin: Tanya Brown
VZ Clothes worn out-of-doors become beat-up and shabby because you wear them out.
VZ How to Yodel: O. Lea LeahyJA
December 5, 2017:
A When the zombie armies finish fighting and declare a cease-fire, do any of them ask "Who's armistice?"
B Keep Your Hair Neat: Bobby Pins and Hera ClipsJA
C People in the armed forces prefer formal tea over casual tea.
C When the mathematician went out into the cold, she put on her cotan hat.
D If Marvel Comics gets desperate for a new character, they can create a zombie superhero who plays hand bells. They could call him Dead Ringer.
F An American state that produces both fluoride and flooring is Florida.
F We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank made a monster.
H "Whose tea should I have with this cheese?" "Havarti."
H Do marijuana supporters cheer a victory with high-fives?
J Why is there music coming from the printer? The paper is jamming again.
M Do Geographers in Southeast Asia sing "Myanmar Shadow"?
N Do journalists eat news feed?
R "I eat leftovers," said Tom reservedly.
R Axle grease helps the digestion because it's a roll-aid.
R When journalists come into the office, are they reporting for work?
S "All brooms are useful!" said Tom, making a sweeping generalization.
S Can a female mathematician turn into a mushroom? No, secant.
TU Did Luke get Darth Vader a TIE for Father's Day?
TU What do NRA supporters say for Halloween? "Trigger Treat!"
TU When a disaster happened in the tool factory, the foreman held up a hammer and yelled: "Evacuate! This is not a drill!"
TU When zombies want to fight, do they throw hands?
VZ I rubbed a bottle of bath salts, and a genie appeared. "You may have either the best bath ever or the best shower ever. Choose!" He said. "Uhh… uhh…" I said, confused. "Don't be wishee-washee!" said the genie.
October 28, 2017:
A When does a bird become a light bulb? When it alights on a branch.
B Stories About Very Rich People: Billie O'NairJA
C If you take your dog for a drive, it will turn into a rug because it's a carpet.
D "Good King Wenceslas": Deepan Crispin Even
G If I want to get a job at the nuclear power plant, I will need a glowing reference.
H Do cannibals think that "The History of the Microwave" is a heartwarming story?
I If a circuit is integrated, does that mean its white and non-white components are working together?
L A tailor let out my pants. I had to chase them all over the yard before I caught them.
L Heat Makes Me Rise: Libby Dough
M Stories About Rich People: Millie O'NairJA
O Stretching an ellipse makes it oblonger.
R Nobly Radioactive: Ray Don Gas
R When a cannibal's life is celebrated with comedy, is s/he being roasted?
S A man walked into a zoo, but the only animal there was a dog. It was a shitzu.
S Lizards of Fire: Sally ManderJA
S When a gentleman tailor woos a lady, he is called a suitor.
TU How We Used to Shorten Trouser Legs: Theo Hemingway
September 26, 2017:
B When a farmer does really well, she grows auto parts because she has a bumper crop.
C Corporate raiders are a little too friendly. They want to keep you company.
D People who leap into water head first are a divers bunch.
F The backside of a fern is really hot because it's a furnace.
G "Your dog is so dumb, he doesn't even understand the concept of fetch." "Yeah, he just doesn't get it."
G I once won a scholarship by writing about the 18th American President. It wasn't much, just a general grant.
G The Historical Society was unable to sell the old prison gallows. They couldn't even gibbet away.
I If you put a picture of yourself in a locket, you can say you're independent.
M A Japanese cartoonist makes the drawing of leg joints elementary, because they're manganese.
M When a soldier leaves the army, he turns into a condiment, because he's mustered out.
M Who's on the menu at the Cannibal Restaurant? Me-n-u.
PQ When I look at my digital watch and see it's 3:14:15, I know it's time for pie.
PQ When I see a cougar coming towards me, it makes me want to puma pants.
R If Eminem were to grow his hair really long to try to peddle a book on wordplay, would we call him Rap Pun Sell?
S Sports Mathematics: Golf + Marksmanship = Shot Putt.
S The Battle of Salamis involved ships, not sausages.
TU When I saw the ad "Radio for sale, for $1, volume stuck on full", I thought "I can't turn down that offer!"
VZ Pulled weeds become Americans - Yankees.
August 28, 2017:
B Was Baldur the ancient Norse god of hair loss?
H Don't challenge a geographer to a boat battle. Helsinki for sure.
H How do you greet bread? Say "Helloaf".
H Should gardeners invest in hedge funds?
I If you get stuck in the Italian Mud, Apulia out.
I Some kids only like playgrounds if they have swings. Their theme song could be "It Don't Mean a Thing if it Ain't Got that Swing."
I What part of a cake reminds one of a karaoke bar? The icing.
I Which American president was the least guilty? Abraham Lincoln. He's in a cent.
J I had forgotten how to run, but a trainer jogged my memory.
L I asked the bakery if they had shortbread. They told me they don't make it any longer.
L I got a model of a dirigible and when I put little lights on it, it began to play "Stairway to Heaven". It was an LED Zeppelin.
L What is the preferred beer of lumberjacks? Lager.
PQ "The Czech capital's economy will grow this year" is a good Prague-nosis.
PQ Give a cat a kilt and you'll have a plaidypuss.
PQ Hardy wanted to be selected for the trip to northern France, so he shouted "Picardy!"
R An orthodontic appliance will turn your teeth into lawyers, because they're all on retainer.
S An article of clothing best avoided by electricians is shorts.
S Which brand of gum is loud and annoying? S-trident.
VZ A French smartass is a Oise guy.
July 21, 2017:
A What do you get when you cross a fruit with an extinct bird? An avocadodo.
B A Halloween flower arrangement is a boo-quet.
B Do overstressed firefighters suffer from burnout?
B Where are chimes rated? Belgrade.
C If you want to buy chicken housing at a discount, can you use coop-ons?
D The astronomer wasn't just loathesome, he was de-Spica-ble.
F It's hard to tell in the pictures, but Mr. Spock of Star Trek has three ears: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
F The soft drink Fanta is an opiod. When I run out, it's a Fanta-nil situation.
G How do strippers deal with adversity? They grin and bare it.
G If you see a fox, name it Guy, so you can have an instant Guy Fawkes Day.
H Is hop-Scotch a drinking game for frogs and rabbits?
K Daredevils smack a horse's rump not for the thrill, but for kicks.
K Which Muppet was the Whiskey King? Kermit Laphroaig.
L Gay Vegetables: Les Bean
M The cheapskate astronomer is a Mizar.
N A farmer that successfully raised lesbian cows won a no-bull prize for agriculture.
O "You two are pyromaniacs, and it looks like your boy is too!" "Well, he is our son Orson."
R About Army Units: Reggie Mantle
R If you see a wren, name it Stimpy.
R You shouldn't call a practice jousting session a run-through.
VZ I Frighten Your Pets: Yvette Soffice.
June 12, 2017:
A I will make jokes about The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe for Aslan as I can.
A My Frequently-Mended Garment: Apache Dress
B Musical theatre is a great place for burglars. People are always breaking into song.
C Chance Encounter at the Ball: Quincy Dance
E Do the anorexic supermodels think they're elegaunt?
E Is it an electronic cow? Is it a flightless bird? It's both! It's an e-moo!
F "Your steam roller will not persuade me. Flattery will get you nowhere!"
G If a redhead works at a bakery, does that make him a ginger bread man?
G Where in Wales will you find a church organ all decked out in sequins, ruffles and feathers? In the Vale of Glam-organ.
I What do the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common? Icy dead people.
I What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? Irrelephant.
L Can you wash grass in the lawndry?
L What do the [losing team name] and Oprah have in common? They're both win-free.
M Do you greet people in the south of France with "Marseilles beaucoup"?
M When Kate Moss passes away, will her final resting place be a Moss-oleum?
N When I asked the lion what he was doing in my wardrobe, he said "Narnia business!"
O Any song about glowing Conservative cookies would have to be an aura-toreo.
PQ Don't name a song "Jar-Eyes". In English, they teach you to never play Jar-Eyes.
PQ Steep some eucalyptus leaves in hot water to get a high koala-tea drink.
R Baby Lions!: Rory Kubbs
R Classical musicians would support Dwayne Johnson for President. They think the Rachmaninoff for the job.
R Dwayne Johnson and Dave Grohl should run for the US Presidency in 2020. Who wouldn't vote for The Rock and Grohl?
S If Dr. Van Helsing were to incorporate Vampire Hunters Inc, who would be the stakeholders?
S My supply of beach jokes is more than surficient to meet demand.
TU Some people think that John Donne had a hand in William Shakespeare's Sonnets. These people say their cause is holy, because "Thy Will be Donne".
VZ If a drywall contractor named Russ were to choose a mascot for his company, would it be a walrus?
May 16, 2017:
A National Songs: Ann Them
B I heard that there's a hot new restaurant in town called The Library. I tried to get reservations, but it was fully booked.
C Do member of The Brotherhood of Salmon refer to themselves as Chums?
C Fried Rodents: Chris Pratt
C If crows and owls could ever learn to work together, they'd be in caw-hoots.
C Why do people in a play say "Break a leg"? Because they're part of a cast.
C With what does Godzilla take photographs? A Gammera.
D When something is running late, it should be reported by a mascot: the Delay Llama.
K Barbie's Companion: Kendall Husband
L Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.
M Google is terrible. I searched for lighters and got 145,000 matches.
N A combination of tuxedo rental shop and plastic surgery clinic could be called "Nip and Tux".
N I just bought a thesaurus, and when I looked, I saw that all the pages were blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
PQ Where do track and field athletes keep their valuables? In a pole vault.
PQ Why did the EMTs travel in sets of two? They wanted to be pair-a-medics.
R World of Bread: Roland Loaf
S Can a ewe be the Queen of Shebaa?
S Do Gregorian fishermen in the South Pacific sing Salmon Chanted Evening?
S I can cut a tree in half just by looking at it. I saw it with my own eyes!
S I refused to believe that my father stole from his job as a roads worker, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
S What's Going to be Happening Around the Mountain?: Shelby Coming.
April 26, 2017:
A "Silly Billy, why did you put some fruit on your face?" "I was told to apple-eye myself!"
A The Rules for Clapping are called Applaws.
B When do baseball players become musicians? When they're playing the base line.
D "I'm Not Just Whistling": Dick See
D Maple Molars!: Dennis Tree
E Adorable stuffed killer whale toys + Christmas lights + drinking straws = Electric Light Orcastraw.
E Chemistry teacher to students: "Don't misbehave. I've got my ion you!"
H Stella put a cap on her butt and said it came from Cape Hatteras.
M The place to go to gamble with fruit is del Monte Carlo.
N A name for a Japanese plastic surgery clinic could be Nippon Tuck.
R My farmer friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. I said "40!"
S Baseball players celebrate St. Bat-Trick's Day.
S I wrapped my psychiatrist in plastic shrink wrap.
S I've found a job helping a one-armed typist with capital letters. It's shift work.
S There is a little town in southwestern Ontario that isn't called Married, because it is Fingal.
S Which Canadian province has totally gone to the dogs? Shar-PEI.
S Why did the old man fall in the well? He couldn't see that well.
TU Dental X-Rays can clean your teeth because they're tooth-pics.
TU How do you get two whales in a car? Start in England and drive west.
VZ A farmer's favourite percussion instrument is a silo-phone.
VZ My skills at drawing intersecting lines are unparalleled.
VZ Psychiatrists have a favourite Guns N Roses song: Welcome to the Jung-le.
March 12, 2017:
A Making a bet on what colour something will be is risky. It's not azure thing.
A When praising a computer program, I app-laud it.
B Borates stink. They're all about BO.
B Why are people who serve drinks imprisoned by their jobs? Because they're behind bars.
C The French number that catches mice is quatre.
D The struggle over unplugging an inflatable Christmas mouse display could be turned into a comic opera called Deflator Mouse.
D Who is ready for a dix-cent into the madness of French number puns?
G Maxwell House is the skydivers' coffee because it's good to the last drop.
H I wanted my rapper name to be M.C. Hammerhoid, but it made me the butt of piles of jokes and it didn't sit well.
M A person who plays the opposite of fugues accumulates a body of work in a more-gue.
M Cosmeticians are liars. They makeup everything.
M Which French number can feed the hungry? Mille!
N Why does the military use acid? To neutralize the enemy base.
O A wild fling with a person of your preferred gender, a bedside table or a rack for a suit of armour: either way, you have a one-knight stand.
O Have sympathy for the person who really likes rowing, for s/he is an orphan.
PQ It takes 15 French numbered nuts to make pe-quinze.
PQ Phosphates are annoying. They PO many of the elements.
R What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto!
S "I'm the master of French numbers!" "Says who?" "Seize me!"
S As the French numbers say, "Carpe Diem! Six the day!"
S I've collected all of the French numbers! I have the full sept!
S The Titanic was like the French number five: it cinq.
VZ French number bread is made from huit flour.
Sonny Scott, Linda Lew, Owen Kaminoff, Jacob Adler.
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