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Puns by Category index page.
The entire Pun Dictionary as a PDF document to read and enjoy!
July 1, 2024
A What did the bra say to the hat? "You go on ahead, I'll give these two a lift."
B Aircraft Maneuvers: Beryl Roll
D Swords and knives could be illustrated in books using dagger-otype.
F My grocery store presents flash offers to me. Will the local camera shop as well?
R I invested in boomerangs. They have a high rate of return.
June 15, 2024
C My friends kept pressuring me to go spelunking, so I finally caved.
G Why will a pig dressed in black never be bullied? Because Batman has promised to protect Goth ham.
PQ What is a police officer's favourite type of sweater? A pullover.
R I'm thinking of starting an a flight company exclusively for balding people. I will call it 'Receding Airline'.
TU I have kleptomania, but I'm taking something for it.
May 9, 2024
F "I am the Lord of the Dance," said Michael Flatley.SH
G Civil Engineering Projects: Grady Rhodes
S "Whenever I think of the 80's, I think of a boom box." "That's just a stereo type!"
S Shout out to the people who don't know the opposite of the word "in".
S What do you get when you cross a snail with a porcupine? A slowpoke.
March 9, 2024
A "Are you OK with a Vulcan helping you?" "Of course, why wouldn't I be?" "I was afraid that you'd feel alien aided."
A Avoidable: What a matador attempts to do.
A My salad is dry. This is a problem that needs a dressing.
C Mother bears are experts at childbearing.
F I'm thinking about creating a TV show called "Happy Days". It'll be about a family of printers, but its real star will be the fonts. It will be a drama, so Comic Sans.
I "When I moved out, I got a locket with my picture in it." "You were independent?"
N Feelings of wistfulness around food are called noshtalgia.
N I Make Hands Pretty: Nell Polish
N I am giving away my legless parrot. No perches necessary.
R The new auto body shop that just opened comes highly wreck-a-mended.
January 4, 2024
A "Do you have any books on phobias?" "Sorry, no we don't." "I was afraid of that."
C How can funeral homes raise their prices and blame it on the cost of living?
N Astronaut 1: "I can't find any cream for my coffee!" Astronaut 2: "In space, no one can here use cream."
N People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
O If I were an Army Drill Instructor, I could shout "Descending! That's an order!".
December 18, 2023
B Do people who work in fireworks factories wear their hair in bangs?
B Do sailors who work in fireworks factories avoid the boom while drinking pop?
C What do crows apply to keep them looking youthful? Cawsmetics.
C When to Apply the Heimlich Maneuver: Joe King
N Why was E the only letter to get a Christmas present? Because all of the other letters were not E.
December 4, 2023
B At the start of a competition at a wedding, should you say "May the best man win?"
C Thieves stole a truck that had a cargo of soap. They made a clean getaway.
D "Something is rotten in the state of Denmark" was written long before the Internet Protocol people assigned '.dk' to Danish websites.
D Don't let anyone throw false teeth at your vehicle. They might denture car.
H When zombies are playing football, you have to watch out for the handoff.
N An unemployed jester is nobody's fool.
PQ The best way to evaluate laxatives is by a process of elimination.
PQ What training do you need to be a garbage collector? None. You pick it up as you go along.
R "I didn't have time to jog today." "You say that every day." "Yes, it's a running joke."
R Any game that involves dice is a roll-playing game.
October 19, 2023
A Laughing out loud is forbidden in Hawaii because it's a low ha state.
B Should baby boomers be allowed to run fireworks factories?
C "Let's go get some lettuce," said Tom crisply.TW
D I bought a fake koi fish for my pond. It's a dekoi.
D My spouse wanted to talk to me about our high heating bills. I said "My door is always open."
F My wife and I can't count calories and we have the figures to prove it.
G I opened my paycheck envelope and found only parsley. It looks like my celery has been garnished.
I An excellent self-help slogan: Please cancel my subscription to your issues.
M If people make you sick, maybe you should cook them longer.
M One day, I'm going to start collecting highlighters. Mark my words!
O Remember folks, it isn't a yawn, it's a bore-gasm!
R What do you call an unhappy android? A woe-bot.
S I think that my wife is putting glue on my firearms. She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.
S It doesn't make any cents, but volunteering is rewarding.
TU Rapid Hemming and Stitching: Taylor Swift
September 21, 2023
S Before Thing got his role in the Addams Family, he was a stagehand. [Note: "Thing" was a disembodied hand.]
September 14, 2023
A "Why can't I kill any of those Rebel scum?" asked Tom the Stormtrooper aimlessly.
D The movie Speed (1994) incorrectly credits Jan de Bonts as director. If Speed had had any direction, it would have been called Velocity.
M If I could choose to have a super power, it would be invisibility. I just want to make myself clear.
S When a hairdresser is in a hurry, does she take shortcuts?
July 8, 2023
C I used a leafy vegetable to make wine. I call it Chard-onnay.
C There is a new breakfast cereal out for mathematicians called Toasty Numerals. It's for people who like crunching numbers.
C What do you get when you cross a soft drink with a car? Coca-Corolla.
I If this dress isn't right for you, it sarong.
R The Kraken: I'd like to renew my apartment lease, please. Landlord: Re-lease the Kraken!
Sonny Scott, Linda Lew, Owen Kaminoff, Jacob Adler.
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