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June 28, 2020
A Any operation against weeds is an all-out assault.
A How do you know when a skunk agrees with you? When it gives strong assent.
A What does a house wear? Address.
A What does a nut say when it sneezes? "Cashew!"
B Did you hear about the dyslexic zombie who only eats Brians?
B How can you tell it's a dogwood tree? By its bark.
B How do you catch a bra? With a booby trap.
B I told my doctor that I am hearing buzzing in my ears, but he said it's just a bug going around.
B Is a numbskull who likes Lego a blockhead?
B Should a trampoline team from Prague call themselves the Bouncing Cheques?
B The LEGO stores are reopening. People are lined up for blocks!
B When a trampoline team flies to its engagements, its plane of choice is a Boeing.
B When fish swim in schools, they sometimes take debate.
C Is concrete sick before it's cured?
C Thin pancakes formed in the shape of bugs are crepe crawlies.
C What do you call a snobby criminal going downstairs? A condescending con descending.
C Why did the elevator call in sick? It thought it was coming down with something.
D What does a baby computer call its father? "Data!"
D What gets wet the more it dries? A towel.
D What's even better than Ted Danson? Ted singing and Danson.
D Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.
F How do you measure the length of a snake? In inches, since they don't have feet.
F How many ears do Star Trek fans have? Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
F Why are toilets so good at poker? They always get a flush.
F Why can't a nose be twelve inches long? Because then it would be a foot!
H Has something been forgotten when a wedding goes off without a hitch?
H What do hillbillies drink from? Hiccups.
H What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip Pop.
H What's the difference between Prince William and a tennis ball? Prince William is the heir to the throne, and a tennis ball is thrown in the air.
H Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honey comb.
I I'm a Chatterbox!: Isaiah Lott
I Studies have shown that cows produce more milk when the farmers talk to them. It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.
I What's big and gray and doesn't matter? Irrelephant.
L Are chickens who are hiding just laying low?
L I made a waffle out of plastic blocks just so that I could say "Lego my Eggo!"
L What kind of shoes do lazy people prefer? Loafers.
M Do mimes commute to work?
M Have you heard the joke about the bed? No? That's because it hasn't been made yet.
M My venture into the gravestone-making business was a monumental success.
M The mime sentenced to death for murder had his sentence commuted.
M The preferred gun of the hunting cat is a Mauser.
M What did the coffee pot report to the police? A mugging.
M Why are elevator jokes always so good? Because they work on many levels.
M With what are anti-racism marches constructed? Black lives matter.
N Someone told me that I should write a book. That's a novel concept.
O If I tell you two roof jokes, you need only pay me for the second one, as the first one is on the house.
PQ How did Ebenezer Scrooge win the football game? The Ghost of Christmas passed!
R It's time for the Gardener Olympics! For which plant herder will you root?
R Since hockey was cancelled, nobody has seen the Zamboni driver, but we're sure she'll resurface eventually.
R Talking about cosmetic surgery used to be taboo, but now when we talk about Botox, nobody raises an eyebrow.
R When the Pope sleepwalks, does that make him a roamin' Catholic?
R Which American State has the most streets? Rhode Island.
S After the salesman in the swanky jewelery store had a skiing accident, he Swarovski forever.
S Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it.
S I took the shell off of my racing snail to make it faster, but it just made it more slug-ish.
S My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store. I realized when I got home that I had picked 7 up.
S Two jumper cables walked into a bar. The bartender said "I'll serve you, but don't start anything!"
S What happens when you witness a shipwreck? You let it sink in.
S What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.
TU I got bored during quarantine, so I decided to take up fencing. The neighbours keep demanding that I put it back.
TU The party game that you shouldn't play during a tornado outbreak is Twister.
VZ An EF3 tornado destroyed the Royal Canadian Mint in Ottawa yesterday, scattering coins over half of the city. The storm has been dubbed "the whirlwind of change".
VZ I've got a great joke on construction coming, but I'm still working on it.
VZ Naval dockyards are holy because they are places of warship.
VZ While pondering the sight of three watering holes in the ground, I said "Well, well, well."
May 28, 2020
A Ants don't get sick because they have anty bodies.
A What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe.
A Who do you get a country girl's attention? A tractor.
B A guy I knew got fired from so many jobs that he started calling himself Blaise.
B How to banish a gardener: say "Begonia!"
B I wonder if it's wise to refer to financial aid for airline companies as a "bailout".
B In what form do cattle prefer their gold to be? Bull-ion.
B What a Big Fire Does: Blaise Burns
B What do you call a group of men waiting in line for a haircut? A barberqueue.
C What did the fisherman say to the magician? Pick a cod, any cod.
D What kind of eggs do evil chickens lay? Deviled eggs.
D When you put an S in front of laughter, you get slaughter. No wonder people die laughing.
D Where do I store all my Dad jokes? In a Dadabase.
F Beware of sheep scammers. They're always trying to fleece you.
F How so celebrities remain cool? They have lots of fans.
F Iím trying to work out an easy way to convert the 2 metre social distancing rule into imperial measurements, but itís just a bit more than I can fathom.
I I hate auto-correct. It always makes me say things I don't Nintendo.
I You Don't Understand?: Alex Plain
L A soils scientist was elected president of the Geological Society. Apparently she won by a landslide.
M Before the Obamas got married, did Michelle sing "My Boyfriend's Barak and You're Gonna Be in Trouble"?
N While most puns make me feel numb, math puns make me feel number.
O Covid-19 has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society. They fear that all the social distancing measures will push people over the edge.
O I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We opened for The Doors.
PQ Could the work of the Wright brothers be considered a pilot project?
R Why did Silly Billy move really quickly out of the clock tower? So that he could say that he ran out of time.
S "Dad, Jim Morrison was highly overrated!" "Son, I've told you not to slam The Doors!"
S A twin in prison called his brother. He asked "Remember when we were little and used to finish each other's sentences?"
S Barbers and hair stylists are forward thinking because they're always seeing ahead.
S Wagering that a frozen treat that isn't ice cream is called sorbet sounds like a sherbet to me.
VZ "What's your favourite month?" "July." "Why July?" "I didn't lie."
May 9, 2020
A The dried fruit thief was eventually apri-caught.
B It's a fruit! It's a flatbread! It's a banaana!
C A woman in the late stages of her pregnancy suddenly started shouting "Can't! Won't! Shouldn't!" Her husband rushed into the room and said "I hear that the contractions have started."
E Telling your luggage that there will be no vacation this year can be tough. Emotional baggage is the worst.
F Iron Man's superhero chemist wife is called Fe-male.
H Are documentaries about boxing supposed to be hard-hitting? (And will they be reviewed in the magazine Punch?)
H You've really got to hand it to short people - because they probably can't reach it anyway.
I An excellent music teacher is instrumental in getting kids to learn and love it.
J I was doing jumping jacks when my pants fell down. That's how I became known as Jumping Jack Flash.
N How can I unlock my phone if it's a Nokia?
PQ Why are empty fruit stands crooked? Because they are out of plum.
S I burned myself when smoking, and have the cigars to show for it.
S The aquatic mammal that's also a chemical element is a Cl.
S Three psychiatrists were wondering what to do for a talent show. I suggested that they cover some Eminem tunes and call themselves "Shrink Rap". They could make a film about the experience.
S Why is dark spelled with a K and not a C? Because you can't see in the dark.
April 18, 2020
Most of these were "borrowed" from one of the following sites:
Dad jokes from thedad.com,
More Dad jokes from thedad.com,
A Dad joke Reddit group,
A huge list of Dad jokes in a Dad jokes Reddit group.
A Balls have got to be one of the oldest toys. They've been around for a long time.
A I have a deep admiration for busts. They're really ahead of their time.
A I'm finally going to sit and read that Stephen Hawking book. It's about time.
A What do you call an underaged musician? A minor.
A What has two butts and kills people? An assassin.
A When does a joke become a "dad" joke? When it becomes apparent.
A When the Big Bad Wolf became a Buddhist and started meditating, he became even scarier. He was aware wolf.
A Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long.
B A person who's fishing in a hurry wants a woodwind: a bassoon.
B I was watching an Australian cooking show and the audience applauded when the chef made a meringue. I was surprised, as Australians usually boo meringue.
B My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. He kept insisting we "Be Positive", but it's hard without him.
B What did the duck say when she bought lipstick? "Put it on my bill."
B What do you get when you cross a chicken with a cement truck? A brick layer.
B Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
B Why isnít suntanning an Olympic sport? Because the best you can ever get is bronze.
B Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball.
C A doctor broke his leg while auditioning for a play. Luckily he was still able to make the cast.
C After dinner, my wife asked me to clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.
C Argentina is a bit cold this time of year. It's borderline Chile.
C Does a match box? No, but a tin can.
C I was addicted to eating money, but I've changed.
C My phone has to wear glasses ever since it lost its contacts.
C The magazine about ceiling fans went out of business due to low circulation.
C To which American state do crayons go for a vacation? Color-ado.
C What do you do to an open wardrobe? You closet.
C What is the best Christmas present ever? A broken drum Ė you canít beat it!
C Why did the man sell his vacuum cleaner? Because it was just collecting dust.
C Why did the traffic light turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
C Why do melons get married? Because they can't elope.
C Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? Because it might crack up.
D How would a Jewish boy react to being told to "Drink yarmulke"?
D I met some aliens from outer space. They were pretty down to earth.
D When the scientist wanted to clone a deer, he bought a doe it yourself kit.
D Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.
E Last night I dreamed that I was a car muffler. I woke up exhausted.
E What kind of school is Sherlock Holmes Public School? Elementary, my dear Watson.
E Whatís it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials.
F How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
F I tell Dad jokes, but I have no kids. Does this make me a faux pa?
F There's a guy around town stealing iPhones. When he's caught, he will FaceTime in prison.
F What do sea monsters eat for lunch? Fish and ships.
F What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing. They fast.
F What music concert costs only 45 cents? 50-Cent featuring Nickelback.
F Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
G How do you get over a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.
G I cut my finger while shredding cheese, but I think that I have greater problems.
G What was the most ground-breaking invention? A shovel.
G When does a Dad joke cost $1000? When it's a Granddad joke.
G Yesterday a clown held the door for me. It was a nice jester.
H Why was the belt arrested? It held up a pair of pants.
I I took the P out of a pirate. He got really angry.
I So what if I donít know what apocalypse means? Itís not the end of the world!
I You cannot cross an eagle with an eel because it's eeleagle.
J Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course. Houses can't jump.
L How do hens lose their jobs? They get laid off.
L I had a pun about insanity but then I lost it.
M Everyone knows where the Big Apple is, but who knows where the Minneapolis?
M I heard that the post office was a male dominated industry.
M My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.
M The rotation of the earth really makes my day.
M What, you haven't tried blindfolded archery? You don't know what you're missing!
M When You Find Mr. Right: Miriam Quick
N The plane flight brought my acrophobia to new heights.
N Why didn't the skeleton go out trick-or-treating? He had no body to go with.
N Why is Covid-19 called "Novel corona virus"? It's a long story.
N Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he never lands.
N Why is it so hard to tell jokes about retired people? None of them work.
O Apparently, crows have 16 pinion feathers and ravens have 17. So the difference between the two is a matter of a pinion.
O I broke a finger at work today. On the other hand, things are still OK.
O I owe a lot to the sidewalks. Theyíve been keeping me off the streets for years.
O I was attacked by 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9. The odds were against me.
O When the church relocated it had an organ transplant.
PQ Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
PQ Why do doctors tend to be calm? Because they have lots of patients.
R Why couldnít the dead car drive into the cluttered garage? Lack of vroom.
S Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
S I hate negative numbers and will stop at nothing to avoid them.
S I used to make clown shoes, which was no small feat.
S I used to work in a shoe recycling factory. It was sole-destroying.
S If I sleep like a log, will I wake up in a fireplace?
S It's a five-minute walk from my house to the pub, and 45 minutes the other way. The difference is staggering.
S My books fell on me. I have only my shelf to blame.
S My daughter scribbled her name on the ground at the beach. I didn't know she knew sandscript.
S What do you get when you cross an elephant with a fish? Swimming trunks.
S What's the tallest building in the world? A library, because it has the most stories.
S Whatís it called when you put a cow in an elevator? Raising the steaks.
S Why are ghosts such bad liars? You can see right through them.
S Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.
S Why did the skeleton go to the museum? It wanted to see the skulptures.
TU A man has been stealing the wheels from police cruisers. The cops are working tirelessly to find him.
TU He couldnít work out how to fix the washing machine so he threw in the towel.
TU How do you overcome fear of elevators? You take steps to avoid them.
TU I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.
TU People say that I'm a plagiarist. Their words, not mine!
TU Why canít you take inventory in Afghanistan? Because of the tally ban.
TU Why did the fraction 1/5 go to the masseur? Because it was two tenths.
TU Why was the burglar so sensitive? He took things personally.
VZ After eating the ship, the sea monster said, I canít believe I ate the hull thing.
VZ I bought a wooden whistle but it wooden whistle.
VZ Why did the lion eat the tightrope walker? He wanted a well-balanced meal!
April 9, 2020
A Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? The food is great, but it has no atmosphere.
A Nodding your head is an example of affirmative action.
A Studying heiroglyphics is worrisome and leads to much ankhziety.
A Wouldn't it be better if we could ah-choose some ergies instead of allergies?
D Dr Smith, the obstetrician, became known as "Pizza Gal" because of her speedy deliveries.
E Keeping fish can have a calming effect on the brain due to all of the indoor fins.
I What's the best kind of joke to tell during isolation? An inside joke.
L Stairs and ladders are fun on so many levels.
M Is duck fat known as mal-lard?
PQ When Larry went to clown college, he wanted to be called Bobo, but due to his spectacular failures with balloon animals, he was called Pops.
S I bought a couple of casters (mounted wheels) from Home Despot today. When I got home, I looked at the wheels and they had the words "Abracadabra" and "Alakazam" on them. I thought "These must be Wizard brand because they're spell casters!"
S The type of bread that's obtained from shoplifting is stollen.
TU Luke Skywalker had a tattoo of a hotdog on his arm. He called it his Tattooweenie.
TU The repentant kleptomaniac said "I just couldn't take it anymore!"
VZ We were told to put on army boots to get ourselves on a wartime footing.
March 15, 2020
A Did the invention of calculus have an aftermath?
A Hockey Night in Canada has been suspended for the pandemic. It's really the end of the world - the Apuckalypse!
A If the Greek goddess of love had had big, poofy hair, would she have been called Afrodite?
B Laundry detergent made from hemp would be marketed under the brand name "High Tide".
B Michael J Fox was spotted in a gardening centre, though it was hard to tell with his back to the fuschias.
C "Can you tell me about your advertisement?" "Sorry, it's classified."
D A First Nations dictatorship would feature rule by deCree.
E Motto of a demolitions company: "Your expectations have been razed."
F When the 15th letter of the alphabet is on fire, it becomes a bird: a flamingo.
G I lost interest in my tiny car. I just couldn't get into it.
H Our maintenance man lost his legs on the job. Now he's a handyman.
J For a zombie, every surprise is jaw-dropping.
L A style of dressing that makes you resemble a Scottish noble: the Laird Look.
L When a zombie gets really angry, does it lose its head?
M I wrote a book about my life installing computer networks on cattle farms. I wanted to call it MooLAN, but the Disney lawyers objected.
N I build The Museum of Modern Punning out of cardboard boxes on my front lawn, but the recycling folks took it away. Now museum, now you don't.
PQ Pun enters a room and kills 10 people. Pun in, ten dead.
PQ When a zombie wakes up, do its eyes pop open?
S Never play pool when you're itchy, as you're sure to scratch.
S What is E.T. short for? Because he's short little legs. [From the movie E.T. the Extraterrestrial]
TU A person trying to seduce a gardener might say "I would like to tiptoe through your tulips."
VZ I made a meme about the corona virus and it went viral.
VZ The World Health Organization has declared that you cannot get the Coronavirus from dogs, and there is no longer any reason to quarantine them. W.H.O let the dogs out!
February 10, 2020:
A I tried singing an ABBA song once, but I butchered it so badly that I was called the Abbatoir...
A In the Harry Potterverse, would a house elf from the Middle East be called Abu Dobby?
A The sound from a musician on stage bounces off the auditorium walls to surround the audience. The sound from a pigeon on stage does not, because a coo sticks.
B Employer: "What makes you think you'd be a good waiter?" Me: "I bring a lot to the table."
B What do you call a monkey in a minefield? A baboom!
E Any table that kills you is an end table.
F The animal that is always overlooked at Christmas is the fa-la-la-la-llama.
F You shouldn't be flippant in judo class.
G Don't be worried about your TV and smart phone spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
I I should call myself Teabag because every time I open my mouth, I find myself in hot water.
L Get Off Your Butt and Work!: Lacey Bones
L In Plantagenet England there was a rule that said that if bishops grew their herbs to excessive sizes, they would be stripped of their diocese. Hence the origin of the phrase "long thyme no see."
O Any table that doesn't call you back is one nightstand.
PQ To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
R A plebescite to end the stupidity surrounding marijuana could be called a reefer-end-dumb.
S Defibrillators and Tasers rarely fail, but when they do, nobody is shocked.
S It isn't a good idea to be saucy while in cannibal country.
S People who make saddles are always looking to stirrup trouble.
S When NASA sent several cows into space, it was called the herd shot around the world.
S Why are portholes round? Because when water comes through, you don't want to be hit square in the face.
TU Lingerie stores sell under-wares.
TU The quartet of tuba players called themselves "Lumber" because they were a tuba four.
December 29, 2019
A A move that causes the seat of your pants to rip as you tap-dance is called the Astaire.
B I wonder if people who study rocks in Colorado are Boulder and others more timid?
H I cut a heart shape out of red felt and glued it into a greeting card so that it would be a heart-felt expression of love.
I You can manually harvest winter wheat with icicles.
N Santa's Checking His List: Nadia Nice
PQ Sudoku: a false Ku. (I find this puzzling.)
R Archeology is really just a career in ruins. (Sorry, I had to dig deep for that one.)
R As a superhero, I could be Typoman, the writer of wrongs.
S Learning how to jump rope in Phys Ed gives a new meaning to skipping class.
S Should the addresses of hospitals and doctors' offices have the number six in them?
November 25, 2019
A As New Year's Eve draws to a close, the follically challenged gather to sing of memories of their lost hair: Bald Lang Syne.
C The Christmas carol most often heard in the deserts is O Camel Ye Faithful.
C What's the best way to cook an alligator? In a crock pot.
D What Was Left After the Tornado: Deb Reese
H A cautious topiary artist will hedge her bets.
H My sled dog puppy isn't fat, he's just a little husky.
H The Posterior of a Woman: Herbie Hind
I Why is making cheese expensive? Because of all of the expenses in-curd.
M Skimpy underwear for those who like to run is called a marathong.
N A naked Santa is an annoying person because he's a nude Nick.
PQ The preferred fruit of the topiary artist is the prune.
R Followers of the god Ra were called "Noodles" because they were Ra Men.
S I Am Very Helpful: Cheryl DeWitt
S Our health plan has nothing about mental health. There is no sanity clause.
VZ Learning patience will make you stronger because it's wait training.
October 26, 2019
B French Wine for Sex Symbols: Brigitte Bordeaux
C Catch and release works well for fishermen. Too bad it doesn't work for viruses and the like.
C For Halloween, I will put on a military uniform and march around the yard swapping pumpkins. I call it the Changing of the Gourd.
C If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly, because communication is key.
C Shepherds could be master criminals, since they work with crooks every day.
G I used a garden gnome as the centrepiece for a sundial, since all sundials need a gnomon them.
J When is a gun like a sandwich? When it is jammed.
PQ "Unlike other bears, mine does not crap in the woods!" Christopher Robin pooh-poohed.
PQ Advice for fathers who play with balloons: "Don't drink, Pop."
PQ As a punslinger, I know that if I want a warm coat, all I have to do is parka car.
PQ How do Pokťmon sneeze? They say Pikachoo!
PQ What's the link between a skin condition and eye drops? The skin condition is psoriasis and eye drops are a sore eye assist.
R Dr: Frankenstein: "Igor! Can't you think of a better way to shelve the contents of these heads?" Igor: "I'm racking my brains, doctor!"
S It isn't difficult to become a member of the Exotic Dancing Electrician's Club, but you do have to strip to join.
S Winter footwear should not be of the slip-on style.
September 27, 2019
A Where the Monks Find Honey: Abbey Hive
B A combination of hair salon and fireworks store could be called "More Bangs for Your Buck".
C Free party snacks are provided for those who canapť.
D "Did you know that you can get as drunk on water as you can on land?" - W.C. Fields
D Do golf club restaurants have drive-through windows?
J A person who makes footwear from sailcloth could be from Djibouti.
L Can a woman on a boat in Scotland drop locks of her hair in the locks between lochs, while eating bagels with lox and picking the locks on her door?
O During a personnel crisis at the hospital, a surgeon found herself at the telephone switchboard because she was an operator.
O I refuse to have anything to do with the letter O when I'm at the ocean.
PQ "What's the status of the mail?" "I'll keep you posted."
PQ A green at an ultra-posh golf resort was so fancy that it got dubbed "The Ritz". The Management was Not Impressed when the patrons began singing and dancing "Putting on the Ritz."
PQ I had to submit my article "Docks: An Annotated History" to a journal for pier review.
PQ My career as a switchboard operator was put on hold.
R "Women's chests are enhanced by sculling", leered Tom robustly.
S People who snore are sound sleepers.
S The elephant was so depressed that his huge sighs were picked up on seismographs.
TU I made a playlist featuring musing from The Cranberries, Peanuts, and Eminem. I call it my Trail Mix.
TU What kind of road makes a good shield during a medieval re-enactment battle? A turnpike.
TU When a bowler is in a hurry, it's because s/he doesn't have time to spare.
VZ Golf pranksters deliver sand wedgies.
VZ Who else but the vise squad would clamp down on crime?
August 10, 2019
B "I think that those floppy hats are stupid!" Tom berated.
B All these pig jokes are getting boaring.
B I got arrested for stealing hay, but got out of jail after posting bale.
B I named my plane "Enola Hay", but when I got into trouble, I had to bale out."
B If beer had bubbles of nitrous oxide, it would be noisy in a funny way because it would be a brewhaha.
C They're called cannibals because they can nibble on us.
D I watched a documentary about beavers yesterday. It was the best dam show ever!
D I'm thinking of opening Harold's Funeral Home for Plants, where you can say goodbye to the dearly depotted.
F The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.
M Why couldn't the chicken find her eggs? Because she mislaid them.
N People who are overly chauvinistic about their hot drinks say that tea is good and not tea is bad.
PQ If a female deer were frisking and frolicking, would we call her Play Doe?
R Death playing the drums is an example of reapercussions.
R Never challenge Death to a pillow fight unless you're prepared for the reaper cushions.
S Where in Papua New Guinea does one go for campfire snacks? Port Smoresby, of course.
TU I know your dog ran away. Don't terrier self up about it.
VZ The egotistical cat thought that he was so purrfect that when he saw a pretty girl he could whisker away.
VZ We called our dog Rolex because she's a watchdog.
July 20, 2019
A If a mountain slope is totally covered in pine trees, is it described as alpine?
A The person who wastes away the most will win atrophy.
B Are hair salons part of the Barbary States?
B Does a company that manufactures scales have to maintain a balance sheet?
B What do you call a cow with a bad twitch? Beef jerky.
C How did Pavlov keep his hair so nice? He conditioned it.
C I wonder if farmers crop their photographs?
C Someone asked me the most convenient time for them to contact me, and I said "7:11".
F An amazing French ant is un fourmidable.
H Bouncing on a trampoline when you have laryngitis is hoarse jumping.
H Why did the French executioner in the Wild West set up his guillotine in the mountains? So he could head them off at the pass.
J Speaking of making preserves, I tried making door jamb once, but it wasn't very good. People kept slamming it.
L If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock.
N Silly Santa: Knut Nick Klaus
PQ Police have reported a man going into local craft stores and dipping his testicles in glitter. It's pretty nuts.
R In what does an artillery officer like to sit when in the garden? A rocket lawn chair.
S Where did Captain Hook buy his hook? From the second hand store.
S Where does a clock maker buy spare parts? From the second hand store.
S Would a lawn care company succeed in Soddy Arabia?
TU A discussion about ticks could be the sound of a grandfather clock because it is tick talk.
TU We of the Church of the Holy Raptor, let osprey.
Sonny Scott, Linda Lew, Owen Kaminoff, Jacob Adler.
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