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January 26, 2019:
A A bunch of apples on the floor is like a horse: Appaloosa.
B "When I threw that pie away, it came right back and hit me!" "That's because it's a boomeringue."
B It's no longer called "boxed wine". It's Cardboardeaux.
B Once there was a rock group that wore brassieres outside their clothes. They called themselves Fast Internet because they were the bra'ed band.
B What colour was the wind? Blew.
C When a pet loses a lot of hair, it becomes a cheese: cheddar.
D I hear it's easy to convince ladies to not eat Tide pods, but it's hard to deter gents.
D I said to my doctor "I have a problem with one of my ears." He asked "Are you sure?" I replied "Yes, I'm definite."
D Oddly-Behaving Waterfowl: Daphne Duck
F "Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud!" "Yes, it's fresh ground."
G With what to cheesemakers hear? Their Gruy-ears.
L The least truthful musical instrument is the lyre.
N "Dr. Watson, what is the brand of this enema?" "No Shit Sherlock" "Ah, it's alimentary, my dear Watson."
PQ I wonder if the favourite colour of Polish cat lovers is pur-Pole?
PQ If I dip a Ritz cracker into chocolate pudding, should I sing "Puddin' on the Ritz"?
R Ruminant: when your father's sister comes to say for a while.
R Steak puns are a rare medium well done.
S Footwear made from banana peels could be called slippers.
S Would a combined marijuana and cattle farm be a high steaks enterprise?
TU The pastry that sports teams prefer to avoid is the turnover.
December 23, 2018:
A My font joke was Arial stinker.
A The next show for Little Spicerack Productions will be Little Orphan Anise.
B Do cobblers have to go to boot camp after enlisting in the armed forces?
C A person who leads the singing is like a running horse because he's the cantor.
C A running horse is infallible because it can't err.
D Lions put their clothes in dresser droars.
E Which of Santa's Helpers rocked the most? Elfis Presley.
H How do angels greet each other? They say "Halo there!"
H If Satan had a hairpiece, would he call it Hell Toupée?
H If we all dressed up as angels on October 31, we could call it Haloween.
H Is the ghosts' favourite brand of car a Haunta?
H Would a Scot in Egypt sing "I'll take the Cairo, you'll take the low road…"?
I For hockey players, their favourite part of a cake is the icing.
L If I made a hotdog out of pasta, should it be called a ling-weenie?
M I've always wondered, when Christmas rolls around, if we got frankincensed enough, would he commit myrrh-der?
O Do Greek ghosts like to drink Bouzo?
PQ Your friend the crowbar is an ape because it's a pry mate.
R One night, a Viking named Rudolph the Red looked out the window and said "It is going to rain." His wife asked "How do you know?" He replied "Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
S Sansa Stark ran her boat aground on a font: the Sansa Reef.
TU I had clocks tattooed on my palms so I could say that I had time on my hands.
TU I tripped over a Kleenex box and hurt my leg. My doctor said it was just tissue damage.
TU The baseball team's pitcher became known as the Trash Collector because she kept throwing people out.
TU What happens when a detective who plays basketball gets a tip-off?
TU When the Math Department has a meeting about subtraction, are there any take-aways?
VZ Egg farmers practice yolka for exercise and relaxation.
VZ To keep your hairpiece from freezing, put it in a teepee. That's a great way to keep a wigwam.
October 2, 2018:
A When can a dog be used to move stuff around? When its tail is a-waggin'.
B The baseball player got the nickname "The Janitor" because he was always batting cleanup.
B Western France was known for its singing pikemen, the Brittany Spears.
B What do you think would happen if a baseball player batted his/her eyelashes at the pitcher?
C Guidance Counselor: What classes are you struggling with? Student: Bourgeoisie 101. I can't get decent Marx in it.
C I have a Polish friend who's a sound engineer. I have a Czech one too.
C The local hairdresser got robbed. The police are combing the area.
D Are Uber and Lyft driving taxis out of business?
F The tenth Fast and Furious movie should be called Fast Ten: Your Seatbelt.
G French for garlic is l'ail. So it's true that garlic is good for what l'ails you.
J How to Introduce Yourself in French: Gemma Pelle
L What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits.
L What do you call a flock of sheep tumbling down a hill? A lambslide.
M Electricians have to strip to make ends meet.
M I got a pet newt and named him Tiny, because he's my newt.
R The History of Joining Metal is not just fascinating, it's riveting.
R What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards? A receding hare line.
S It would be cruelly ironic if the Saar River had cut a really deep gorge in its path. Said gorge would be the Saar chasm.
TU I asked the librarian if there were any authors who wrote dinosaur novels. She said "Try Sarah Topps."
TU I tried to do some knitting while listening to "Bolero". Unfortunately, it snagged on something and unRaveled.
September 11, 2018:
A "How should we stop the Mad Punster?" "By any means necessary!" "But any doesn't mean necessary!"
A "I hear that Elvis Costello and Abba will be touring this year." "Abba and Costello? Who's on first?"
A They aren't going to make yardsticks any longer.
C "Strike three!" Tom, the baseball umpire, cried out.
C Chemists who design graveyards often put the krypton the left side.
C God: "Whew, I just created 24-hour periods of alternating light and dark on Earth." Angel: "What will you do now?" God: "Call it a day."
C Math: the only subject that counts.
D "I'm really not sure about this legalized marijuana thing," said Tom doobieously.
D Were bandits during the Great Depression called despairados?
F Why could the runner only win races while snoozing soundly? Because she was only fast asleep.
H A bank robber, impatient at the slow pace of the delivery of the money, shouts "Hey, what's the holdup?"
I Motto of the chemist exterminator: Iridium.
M When my neighbour painted his house purple, I had to mauve away.
M Which day of the week is a ghost's favourite? Moanday.
O No punster wants to walk the no-pun road, which is sad and lonely.
PQ If you ever see Edgar Allen Poe about to collide with a tree, warn him by yelling "Poetry!"
R My friends get mad when I steal their kitchen utensils, but it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
S "Do you see Waldo and his friends?" "I xenon of them."
S Puns on tin? I can't stannum!
S Stoic chemists sulfur in silence.
S Whenever a customer asked a bartender for a shooter, he rang a bell. When asked why, he said "And suddenly, a shot rang out."
TU Monday Solder: Tuesday Weld
TU There's a movie coming out about a mobile home. I just saw the trailer.
VZ Geology rocks, but Geography is where it's at.
August 27, 2018:
A Is your iPad preventing you from falling asleep? Don't worry, there's a nap for that.
A My girlfriend doesn’t like it when I mess with her red wine. So I added fruit and lemonade to it, and she's sangria than ever.
A What kind of cats like to go bowling? Alley cats.
B For my assembly services, you will be build.
B I got a job as an executioner. I'll beheading there shortly.
B I know a mathematician who couldn't afford lunch. He could binomial.
B The pig kept putting people to sleep because he was such a colossal boar.
C I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings. It's a complex complex complex.
C Paintings of people delivering vegetables would be made by Currier and Ives.
C What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws? It was given two consecutive sentences.
D I'm super-friendly with 25 letters of the alphabet, but I don't know why.
F When a New York Giants receiver drops the football, is it called a Fee-Fi-Fo-Fumble?
F Why did the mathematician only work from home? She could only function in her domain.
G Monday: Greg. Tuesday: Ian. Wednesday: Greg. Thursday: Ian. This is a Gregorian calendar.
H I did not design the new glove, but I definitely had a hand in it.
I Need an Ark? I Noah guy.
K There was a kidnapping at school, but don't worry, she woke up.
L How does a politician / lawyer sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other side.
L I Guide Large English Vehicles: Laurie Driver
L I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage, but apparently I lost my case.
L Lupins are what you find on a lavatory's bulletin board.
M I named my horse Mayo. Mayo neighs.
M If students can't write an exam in Beauty School, do they get to write a make-up test?
N Why was King Arther always tired? All those sleepless knights.
PQ I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.
PQ Why did the cows return to the marijuana field? It was the pot calling the cattle back.
S What superlative did Robert E Lee win at high school? Most likely to secede.
TU One shouldn't discuss secrets in a bank, especially in front of the tellers.
VZ "Orion's Belt is a big waist of space." This is a three-star review.
VZ Don't try to make a belt with watches, as it will be a waist of time.
VZ My recliner and I go way back.
August 7, 2018:
A I wonder if mathematicians belong to the Add'Ems Family?
A What did the mermaid wear to math class? An algae-bra.
B It was when Popeye's nemesis walked barefoot through a tray of indigo dye that he became known as Bluto.
B The big rock was shy, and wished he was boulder.
C When the strip club isn't open their sign reads 'sorry, we're clothed'.
D Bureaus and dressers are for artists because they're full of drawers.
H Do members of the Hairdresser's Union have to pay hair dues?
H I wonder if cannabis supporters use hashtags on social media?
J The Rowdy Crowd: Jocelyn Shove
L Someone bought the only car left at the dealership. It was last, but not leased.
O A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. I told her "That's impossible. My dogs don't own bikes."
O A small falcon rowing a boat is musical because it is oar-kestrel.
O I wonder if it's a good idea for pilots and skydivers to learn on the fly.
R I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness.
R Reno is the City of Home Improvements.
S The ladies' garment that can't be obtained honestly is the stole.
TU A game show for fruit fans is "Truth or Consequinces".
TU My new goal is to start an investments company named Turnout, grow it to a monstrous size and then buy out Deloitte so that I could name the new company Turnout-Deloitte.
TU Trade wars are more than frightening, they're tariffying.
VZ I want to go to the Netherlands. Wooden shoe?
July 16, 2018:
A How does a geologist get into a backyard? Through agate.
A Where does Geography Bear sleep? In Aden.
B I bought a dog from a blacksmith. As soon as we got home, he made a bolt for the door.
C I am very good at starting sentences, but I don't like to capitalize on it.
C The Boomerang Champ had a mid-season slump, but eventually made a comeback and won again.
C What kind of train eats too much? A chew-chew train.
D If you make the wrong decision bringing your ship into port, your salary will be docked.
E "Cannabis Cultivation Technician": a new hemployment.
E March 21 and September 21 are days when horses don't use doorbells because they're equine-noxes.
F All quilts are lies: complete fabrications!
G I once had a cat I named Campfire because he kept going out in the rain.
G I tried taking high-resolution photos of local farmland, but they all turned out really grainy.
H "OK, here's your portion," said the cannibal half-heartedly.
H You can always get good discounts at topless clubs. Everything is half-off.
L If people who work are called workers, why aren't people who play the blues called bluesers?
PQ Small boats can be vulnerable to pier pressure.
PQ The overweight guy got the nickname "Harbour" because he was portly.
S What does a photographer say to a twitchy moonshiner? "Hold still while I take this shot!"
TU The fish going in circles is not a highway, it's a turnpike.
VZ What is the opposite of a wolf in sheep's clothing? A sheep in woolf's clothing.
June 13, 2018:
B A Stroll to First Base: Balfour Walker
B Football, baseball, soccer, and basketball players (among others) are natural voters, since they play with a ballots.
B What did one wind turbine say to the other? "I don't know your taste in music, but I'm a big metal fan."
C I Used Bad Language: Kirsten Swore
C I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk, but I never got the chants.
D A lumberjack went into a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted "Wait! I'm a talking tree!" The lumberjack grinned and replied "And you will dialogue."
H German Barbershops: Herr Kutt AJ
H People in choirs are peaceful. They like to live in harmony.
H The place to go to hear pigs recite Paradise Lost is Ham-Milton.
K Did you hear about the beauty salon that offers marriage counseling? It's called the Kiss and Make-Up.
L I offends me that lilacs have no feet because I am lilac-toes intolerant.
PQ If you want to find the right angle to be in favour of farm machinery, you will need a protractor.
R Should my subscription to "Naturist World" be re-nude?
R Will the book "Flee" become a runaway best seller?
S "This is life on the cutting edge," said Tom sharply.
S With what do hockey players glue things together? Their sticks.
TU I will drive the car, while the furniture-maker will drive divan.
TU People who criticize farm machinery are detractors.
TU The meaning of opaque is unclear.
TU When police are looking for leads in a case, they go to a basketball game. There are lots of tip-offs there.
May 1, 2018:
B At the zoo, I saw some toast in one of the enclosures. It was bread in captivity.
B Why did the pig quit sunbathing? He was bacon in the heat.
C The car that cures heartburn is a Chevrolaid.
C The flower preferred by apes is the chimp pansy.
D Old tailors don't get wrinkly, they get de-pressed.
F How many golfers does it take to change a light bulb? Fore!
G "Mama, I ate all my pumpkin and squash!" "Gourd for you, sweetie!"
H What is the noisiest colour? Hulla-blue.
I Choir directors don't send bills, they send invoices.
L Storting powdered citrus fruit got the geologist limestoned.
L The Mythical Cheese is legendairy.
N To the guy who invented zero: Thanks for nothing.
PQ The various anti-bullying initiatives are great, but not totally inclusive. Let's stop picking on fruit trees!
R I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both "lefts". On the one hand, this is great, but on the other hand, it's just not right.
S Detractors of Nickelback say they're perfect for St. Patrick's Day because they play sham-rock.
S I'll tell her that rock puns are great, but shale just ignore me.
S People who operate pallet jacks can truly say that their life is on the skids, and that they live on Skid Row.
S That tall, hairy fellow with the large feet who likes to hang around vegetable gardens and farms is called Sasquash.
TU A person who sings while quickly mending clothes is a Tailor Swift.
TU If I were to start a cat-lending service, its motto would be "Try Meowt".
TU When farmers are feeling really up, do they say "I feel good from my head tomatoes"?
TU Why are fitness instructors like garbage collectors? They do waist management.
March 4, 2018:
A A posh fund-raising soirée to support orphaned kangaroos needed a logo. I suggested a leafy vegetable: A Roo Gala.
B Monarch of the Swindlers: Bill King
B There exists a reporting application called Tableau. In a business environment, one should say "This is a job for Tableau!", not "This is a Tableau job!"
B Why do programmers hate nature? It has too many bugs.
B You can't plant flowers if you haven't botany.
C I wasn't going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
C The chronological progression of a taxi is measured by a leafy vegetable: cabbage.
C Why is your nose in the middle of your face? Because it's the scenter.
D Cartoonists' feuds can be really long and drawn-out.
D Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
E Let's hope that Elon Musk doesn't get involved in a scandal because ElonGate would be really drawn out.
F When William joined the army, he came to dislike the phrase "Fire at will".
H "I'm so good with horses that I'm called the Horse Whisperer." "Oh yeah? When I get laryngitis, I become a hoarse whisperer!"
H Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.
H Why didn't the Mexican shoot his bow? Because he didn't habanero.
N Grandma: "Who was the good kid who cut the grass?" Grandkid: "Nanaimo!"
S A prisoner's favourite punctuation mark is the period because it marks the end of his sentence.
S Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
S People in improv troupes don't get nervous, but they do get a little skittish.
S Why do Swedish navy ships have big bar codes on the side? When they get into port, the Admiral can Scandinavian.
TU My friend tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
VZ Why don't more couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.
December 31, 2017:
A Which tomato is scented? A Roma!
F "I have created a new colour called groozle!" "There is no such colour! It's a pigment of your imagination!"
F A martial arts film involving people in animal costumes could be called Fist of Furry.
F There was a company that sold paper to origami enthusiasts, but it folded.
L A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I said "That's the last thing I need!"
PQ "I loved my stuffed pig so much that I dyed it purple!" "I didn't know that pigment so much to you."
PQ As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.
PQ I wanted to watch the origami competition on the TV, but it was on paper view.
PQ When the mathematician's parrot gets hungry, it turns into a polynomial.
R Carpets can't just be tough, they must be rugged.
S I just swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
S The other shapes are cannibals because they eat three square meals a day.
TU A delicatessen for running enthusiasts could be called the Track Meat.
TU A singles bar for running enthusiasts could be called the Track Meet.
TU Do fishing professionals participate in Throwback Thursdays?
TU I swallowed a dictionary. It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
TU Matt the Magician did an amazing quick-change trick while driving. He turned into his driveway.
VZ Garments worn by the military and first responders are grown on unifarms.
VZ In the movie Casablanca, if Rick had been a mathematician, he could have said "Here's looking at Euclid."
VZ Skeletons clean the ice with Zambonys.
VZ When the triangle got into a serious car crash, it became a rectangle.
Sonny Scott, Linda Lew, Owen Kaminoff, Jacob Adler.
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