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Puns by Category index page.
The entire Pun Dictionary as a PDF document to read and enjoy!
November 10, 2022
L Do zombies do the limb-o dance at parties?
D An armed man ran into a realtor's office and yelled "Don't move!"
PQ I am certain that my literary and erudite description of the "tug my finger" joke will win the Pull It Surprise.
O "How would you rate the movie 'Book of Blood'?" "Oh, positively."
C It's only a murder of crows if there is probable caws.
O The Grim Reaper's tool is great, no matter how big he is, because one scythe fits all.
A Who wears the Darth Vader costume in the stores? Manikin Skywalker.
VZ One time at the hoagie shop, the actress Ms. O’Hara asked what the tiny pimiento-stuffed thing in my cheddar-bread sandwich was and I had to respond, “Wee olive in a yellow sub, Maureen."
I I'm looking at taking up origami as a hobby. My interest in it is in creasing.
N They mocked me when I said I wanted to be a comedian. I got into the business anyway, and no one is laughing now.
October 10, 2022
B "Waiter, what is this?" "It's bean soup, sir." "I don't care what it's been, what is it now?"
B If my carpet gets heavily soiled, should I call it broadloam?
C Where should one keep seahorses? A corral reef.
L Tis better to have loved a short person than never to have loved a tall.
M "I don't understand cloning." "That makes two of us."
PQ A person in Bucharest who is overly fond of burning pies made from lettuce has pyromania.
R The country that grows the most lettuce per capita is Romania.
S Forest rangers shoot grizzly bears with sedative darts before approaching them because there's safety in numb bears.
S In the old days, people used to tie lanterns to their horses to help them see at night. It was the first form of saddle light navigation.
S What fabric should pants be made from? Satin.
September 13, 2022
A I wonder if young pirates in love say, "I love you just the way you arrrr."?
C Computer: choose a password. Me: hi-hat. Computer: password cannot contain symbols.
C I wanted my accountant to record my business on a cash basis, but he refused, saying that it's accrual world.
G When it comes to New Mexico outlaws, Billy the Kid was the GOAT.
H What did the man say after he was swatted by a bear? "It ursa lot."
I A person once bought a used school bus and turned it into a mobile tattoo shop. He called it the "Ink You Bus" and gave demon-strations.
M What happened when a purple ship collided with a rusty red ship? The survivors were marooned.
N Why are horses so negative? They are neigh sayers.
PQ The prospect of getting a new container for my arrows has me quivering with excitement.
PQ When at the pharmacy collecting some pills, I held the little bag and said to it, "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" To the pharmacy person, I asked "Is this the way to pick up my prescription?"
R The movie Dracula is revamped, not rebooted.
S If there are any guitarists out there who want to know the secret of making their music sound better, stay tuned.
S My wife was getting annoyed by her job sewing things. I said to her, "You seamstressed." She replied "It's because I feel hemmed in."
TU I need to check my bank account before paying the bill at a restaurant so that I can tip without losing my balance.
VZ Why did the astrophysicist go digging in the dirt? She was looking for wormholes.
August 15, 2022
B On May 1, I like to be extra cautious and wear suspenders as well as my belt, because I'm a Beltane suspenders guy.
B One tune never to whistle while you are on the golf course is "Colonel Bogey".
B The musical that most appeals to golfers who make bad shots is "Bye-Bye Birdie".
C An arborist who is bad at golf could be called a wood chipper.
C Harry Potter can't tell the difference between his best friend and his cooking pot. They're both cauldron.
C Optometrists refer to waterfalls as cataracts.
C The doctor asked me if I had symptoms of Mailman's Disease and I told him "No, I'm just a carrier."
E "I can see myself getting two under par on this hole," said Tom, eagle-eyed.
E The farmer was so pleased with his new cornfield that he walked the length of it, grinning from ear to ear.
J Marijuana Osteopathic Surgeons, Inc. is a joint operation.
N What do nervous carpenters do? They bite their nails.
PQ I heard of a band of crocodiles who sing parody songs. They're a pun croc band.
S An exotic dancer who incorporated removing body paint into her routine called herself the paint stripper.
TU Egyptian pyramid builders were good, but only up to a point.
TU I wonder if a gift of marijuana cigarettes for a job well done is a token of appreciation?
July 28, 2022
B The apiarist left his job, if you can bee leave it.
C My friend works at a police station drawing sketches of suspects. She's a con artist.
C There's no such thing as free fishing lessons. There's always a catch.
E I told my therapist that I sometimes feel like my life is a TV show. He told me to let him know if I have any more episodes.
H Does one make fun of pigs while lying in a ham-mock?
I I, for one, like Roman numerals.
M Although Mom was very fond of her volcanology periodicals, she'd erupt if you called her "Mag-ma".
M Did you hear about the Catholic service that was disrupted when a hymn was replaced by a Def Leppard song? It caused a case of Mass Hysteria.
S My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
TU Chickens now hire a sheep to ride across the road. They call the service 'ewe'ber.
July 12, 2022
A When I learned what a labyrinth was, I was astonished. It's what a maze meant.
M There is more to a telescope than meets the eye.
N I could win the Laziness Olympics with no effort at all.
PQ Fake Names in the Fabric Industry: Sue Denim
R A woman slammed her boat into the boat of the man who cut her off. It’s a clear case of rowed rage.
S Using banana peels for horseshoes will always give slipshod results.
S Who is the patron saint of copying people on emails? St. Francis of A CC.
S Who is the patron saint of weaklings? St. Francis of A Sissy.
TU Last night I dreamed that I had to make a thousand pancakes. I was tossing and turning all night long.
VZ An important part of a healthy diet of fish is Vitamin Sea.
June 26, 2022
B I don't know why Marvel doesn't use the Hulk to advertise more. He's essentially one big banner.
B Justin Bieber should set up a craft brewery and call its product Bie-beer.
B When geologists season their mutton, they use baa-salt.
C A fraudulent winter carnival is edible because it's a chilly con carney.
C Did you hear about the man who helped escaped criminals in Prague hide from the police? He was arrested for caching bad Czechs.
G My Grandma always used to say, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." I don't know if that's true, or just one of Granny's myths.
H When I encountered my friend Vera in a garden center, I greeted her with "Aloe, Vera!"
I I've always wondered why one must be an adult in order to serve in the infant-ry.
M If Charles Mann were to write a biography of Harold Town, he could call it "Mann About Town".
VZ Would two tornado chasers get married after a whirlwind romance?
May 20, 2022
C If you must listen to music while fishing, make it something with a catchy hook.
D Which book did the ventriloquist read to train himself? Ventriloquism for Dummies.
G When a group of foodies got together to advocate for longer prison terms for crimes, they became known as the Gluttons for Punishment.
H My pirate friend has taken up boxing. You should see his right hook.
K "You are a terrible train driver! How many trains have you derailed this year?" "I don't know, it's hard to keep track!"
L Two skunks wandered into a church service and said "Let us spray."
M "Mr. Reynolds, would you care to say a few words?" "Plethora." "Thanks, that means a lot."
M "Mr. Reynolds, would you care to say a few words?" "To allocate for a special purpose." "Thanks, that means allot."
M Filmmakers in Newcastle, UK, decided to make a Western-style movie about the discovery of shellfish in the local river. It will be called "My Darling Clam-in-Tyne".
M Is pig iron made from meaty ore?
PQ My favourite allergy song is "Blowin' in the Wind" by Peter Pollen Mary
PQ What's one way of getting forcibly escorted from a garden centre? Asking for a bag of dehydrated plums so that you can do some pruning.
R Did you hear about the guy who got shot with a starter pistol? I'm betting that it was race-related.
R How does Spiderman come up with such witty comebacks? With great power comes great response ability.
R My eyes are more spacious when they are rheumy.
R Where is the best place to buy Pin-the-Tail-on-the-Donkey party games? A retail store.
S After the chef became a master of Turkish cuisine, he became known as Sultan Pepper.
S Al Pacino has a new movie about a Cuban man who wins the World Knitting Championship. It's called Scarf Ace.
S Dressing as a cowboy for Halloween was a spur-of-the-moment decision.
TU I entered the Kleptomania Championship. I took gold, silver, and bronze.
March 29, 2022
A "How much would it cost to buy a singing ensemble?" "You mean 'a choir'?" "Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?"
A "It weighs one-sixteenth of an pound," Tom announced.
A I accidentally sprayed some deodorant in my mouth. Now I speak with a weird Axe scent.
B "Do you want a box for these leftovers?" "No, but I'll wrestle you for them."
C I went to a strip club called Garlic. It's where people take their cloves off.
C The taxidermist mounted the wrong end of the lion that the big game hunter had killed. It was a cat ass trophy.
C What did one wall say to the other? "I'll meet you at the corner."
C When a knight in Prague dons his armour, does it mean that the Czech is in the mail?
C Why are piggy banks so wise? Because they are filled with common cents.
D Did you know that the pupils are the last thing to stop moving when you cease living? Yes, they dilate.
D Where do you take your boat when it gets sick? The boat dock.
E Chemists, and lately physicists, have discovered many elements, but have yet to find the Element of Surprise.
F My dad always told me, "Don't be quick to find faults." Good man, terrible geologist.
H The newest entry into the world of fast-food cuisine is the haute dog.
H What is the basic unit of measurement for laryngitis? One hoarsepower.
I One linear foot of small birds = 12 finches.
J "Revenge is a dish best served cold." If it were served warm, it would be just water.
L What's the least spoken language? Sign language.
M A Reaction to Your Absence: Mrs. Yu
M For snowmen, badly losing your temper could be fatal because it would be a meltdown.
M Fred thinks tranquilizers keep him from overacting, but they make him mellow dramatic instead.
M What make a man age? A manager.
N Did you hear about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit.
N I asked my dog what two minus two is, and he said nothing.
O A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” he says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
PQ What's similar between a tick and the Eiffel Tower? One is a parasite, the other is a Paris site.
S I don't trust those trees. They seem rather shady.
S Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas.
S What do mathematicians use at protest rallies? Sine waves.
S What's the shortest distance between two jokes? A straight line.
TU I met a guy from Taiwan recently. He was really high-strung, definitely a Taipei personality.
TU I used to be a personal trainer, but I quit after giving my too weak notice.
TU Where is the best place in New York City to buy watches and clocks? Times Square.
VZ A man walked into a bar and was disqualified from the limbo contest.
VZ Did you hear about the farmer who drove a flock of sheep through town and got a ticket for making a ewe turn?
VZ Why don't pirates bathe before walking the plank? Because they wash up on shore.
February 19, 2022
A Brontophobia is the fear of thunder. Maybe we should call it bang-ziety?
A In which American state do people sneeze a lot? Mass-achu-setts.
C For chemists, broken bones tend to be compound fractures.
C The first time that I saw a Universal Remote Control, I said, "Wow, this changes everything."
D When does Dr. Jekyll get thirsty? When he's de-Hyde-rated.
L The head honchos of Komedy Klub wanted to issues shares and go public, but were advised against it. Nobody wants to be associated with a laughing stock.
PQ We're making a TV show on people who fly airplanes. We're currently filming the pilot.
S A warrior went to the tribe's shaman complaining of a headache, and the shaman gave him a leather thong to chew on, promising that he would be better when it was finished. A few days later, the warrior returned and complained that he was still feeling sick. "The thong is finished, but the malady lingers on."
S Can He Do It?: Cherie Khan
S What did the French groundhog see on February 2nd? His chateau.
January 12, 2022
A With what do monkeys shoot down airplanes? A macaque gun.
C A series of university lectures on hydrology could be called the "Water Course".
I Someone asked me what the ninth letter of the alphabet is. It was a total guess, but I was right.
K When Scots undress, they also become unbalanced because they're off-kilter.
O Why does Santa not have to pay for parking? Because it's on the house.
PQ Since the guy in the Spiderman suit does all sorts of acrobatic leaping and climbing, his name should be Peter Parkour.
PQ Who better to write a pop song about quiche than Kesha?
S I didn't think that I needed orthopedic shoes, but now I stand corrected.
S I was surprised to learn that Bob Saget was born on May 17, and thus is a Taurus. I'd thought he'd have been a Sagittarius.
S The movie "Querying the Database 2" was a totally unnecessary SQL. (For "normal" people, SQL is pronounced "Sequel".)
December 21, 2021
C Adding Flaming Decals to Vehicles: Carson Fire
M I just invented a thought-controlled air freshener. It's not illogical, it makes scents when you think about it.
H When cannibals play cards, they deal hands.
S I heard Marvel Comics is the new main sponsor of the NHL. The champion now gets the Stan Lee Cup.
G "Yes, I love money!" Tom agreed.
C In Greek mythology, Chiron was not only half-human and half-horse, but also a doctor of medicine. This made him a Centaur of Disease Control.
N I have to work late at the museum, moving suits of armour. I hate knight shifts.
PQ At an Agricultural Fair, I passed by a farmer who was proudly standing next to his prize-winning ewe named Princess. My suggestion of calling her the Queen of She-baa was not well received, as the farmer tried to ram his fist into my head.
November 25, 2021
A At Last, Thanksgiving Dinner Is Over: Emile Eden
B When a wind instrument player flubs a note, do we say that he blew it?
D I only paid $2 for this handful of herbs. It's a great dill.
E Nuns tend to gather in groups of two pairs due to fours of habit.
E When I see a sign on a bin that says "Empty When Full", I always wonder how something can be empty when it's full?
F Very runny glue is fast paste.
F What do nuclear scientists like to eat? Fission chips.
G A vegan once told me that people who sell meat are disgusting. I told him that people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.
H Can ghosts get sick with the hauntavirus?
N What do you call a Viking that is full of himself? A Norse-icisst.
O When a hospital is out of commission due to a power failure, it's non-operational.
PQ If your nose was on strike, would you picket?
PQ What does a farmer use to tune her piano? A pitch fork.
R Why are jockeys so focused on the well-being of their horses? Their careers are riding on them.
S I've seen "Low Rider" cars and pickup trucks that are jacked up to the sky. Both require a suspension of disbelief.
S The new optometric clinic is beautiful. It's a site for sore eyes.
S The quality of dad jokes is measured with a sighsmograph.
S What did the skeleton bring to the Halloween pot-luck? Spare ribs.
S When a witch is proof-reading, is she doing a spell check?
TU I just bought a reversible jacket. I'm excited to see how it turns out.
VZ I found out that my wife is a ghost. I had my suspicions from the moment she walked through the door.
Sonny Scott, Linda Lew, Owen Kaminoff, Jacob Adler.
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