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July 16, 2018:
A How does a geologist get into a backyard? Through agate.
A Where does Geography Bear sleep? In Aden.
B I bought a dog from a blacksmith. As soon as we got home, he made a bolt for the door.
C I am very good at starting sentences, but I don't like to capitalize on it.
C The Boomerang Champ had a mid-season slump, but eventually made a comeback and won again.
C What kind of train eats too much? A chew-chew train.
D If you make the wrong decision bringing your ship into port, your salary will be docked.
E "Cannabis Cultivation Technician": a new hemployment.
E March 21 and September 21 are days when horses don't use doorbells because they're equine-noxes.
F All quilts are lies: complete fabrications!
G I once had a cat I named Campfire because he kept going out in the rain.
G I tried taking high-resolution photos of local farmland, but they all turned out really grainy.
H "OK, here's your portion," said the cannibal half-heartedly.
H You can always get good discounts at topless clubs. Everything is half-off.
L If people who work are called workers, why aren't people who play the blues called bluesers?
PQ Small boats can be vulnerable to pier pressure.
PQ The overweight guy got the nickname "Harbour" because he was portly.
S What does a photographer say to a twitchy moonshiner? "Hold still while I take this shot!"
TU The fish going in circles is not a highway, it's a turnpike.
VZ What is the opposite of a wolf in sheep's clothing? A sheep in woolf's clothing.
June 13, 2018:
B A Stroll to First Base: Balfour Walker
B Football, baseball, soccer, and basketball players (among others) are natural voters, since they play with a ballots.
B What did one wind turbine say to the other? "I don't know your taste in music, but I'm a big metal fan."
C I Used Bad Language: Kirsten Swore
C I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk, but I never got the chants.
D A lumberjack went into a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted "Wait! I'm a talking tree!" The lumberjack grinned and replied "And you will dialogue."
H German Barbershops: Herr Kutt AJ
H People in choirs are peaceful. They like to live in harmony.
H The place to go to hear pigs recite Paradise Lost is Ham-Milton.
K Did you hear about the beauty salon that offers marriage counseling? It's called the Kiss and Make-Up.
L I offends me that lilacs have no feet because I am lilac-toes intolerant.
PQ If you want to find the right angle to be in favour of farm machinery, you will need a protractor.
R Should my subscription to "Naturist World" be re-nude?
R Will the book "Flee" become a runaway best seller?
S "This is life on the cutting edge," said Tom sharply.
S With what do hockey players glue things together? Their sticks.
TU I will drive the car, while the furniture-maker will drive divan.
TU People who criticize farm machinery are detractors.
TU The meaning of opaque is unclear.
TU When police are looking for leads in a case, they go to a basketball game. There are lots of tip-offs there.
May 1, 2018:
B At the zoo, I saw some toast in one of the enclosures. It was bread in captivity.
B Why did the pig quit sunbathing? He was bacon in the heat.
C The car that cures heartburn is a Chevrolaid.
C The flower preferred by apes is the chimp pansy.
D Old tailors don't get wrinkly, they get de-pressed.
F How many golfers does it take to change a light bulb? Fore!
G "Mama, I ate all my pumpkin and squash!" "Gourd for you, sweetie!"
H What is the noisiest colour? Hulla-blue.
I Choir directors don't send bills, they send invoices.
L Storting powdered citrus fruit got the geologist limestoned.
L The Mythical Cheese is legendairy.
N To the guy who invented zero: Thanks for nothing.
PQ The various anti-bullying initiatives are great, but not totally inclusive. Let's stop picking on fruit trees!
R I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both "lefts". On the one hand, this is great, but on the other hand, it's just not right.
S Detractors of Nickelback say they're perfect for St. Patrick's Day because they play sham-rock.
S I'll tell her that rock puns are great, but shale just ignore me.
S People who operate pallet jacks can truly say that their life is on the skids, and that they live on Skid Row.
S That tall, hairy fellow with the large feet who likes to hang around vegetable gardens and farms is called Sasquash.
TU A person who sings while quickly mending clothes is a Tailor Swift.
TU If I were to start a cat-lending service, its motto would be "Try Meowt".
TU When farmers are feeling really up, do they say "I feel good from my head tomatoes"?
TU Why are fitness instructors like garbage collectors? They do waist management.
March 4, 2018:
A A posh fund-raising soirée to support orphaned kangaroos needed a logo. I suggested a leafy vegetable: A Roo Gala.
B Monarch of the Swindlers: Bill King
B There exists a reporting application called Tableau. In a business environment, one should say "This is a job for Tableau!", not "This is a Tableau job!"
B Why do programmers hate nature? It has too many bugs.
B You can't plant flowers if you haven't botany.
C I wasn't going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
C The chronological progression of a taxi is measured by a leafy vegetable: cabbage.
C Why is your nose in the middle of your face? Because it's the scenter.
D Cartoonists' feuds can be really long and drawn-out.
D Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
E Let's hope that Elon Musk doesn't get involved in a scandal because ElonGate would be really drawn out.
F When William joined the army, he came to dislike the phrase "Fire at will".
H "I'm so good with horses that I'm called the Horse Whisperer." "Oh yeah? When I get laryngitis, I become a hoarse whisperer!"
H Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.
H Why didn't the Mexican shoot his bow? Because he didn't habanero.
N Grandma: "Who was the good kid who cut the grass?" Grandkid: "Nanaimo!"
S A prisoner's favourite punctuation mark is the period because it marks the end of his sentence.
S Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
S People in improv troupes don't get nervous, but they do get a little skittish.
S Why do Swedish navy ships have big bar codes on the side? When they get into port, the Admiral can Scandinavian.
TU My friend tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
VZ Why don't more couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.
December 31, 2017:
A Which tomato is scented? A Roma!
F "I have created a new colour called groozle!" "There is no such colour! It's a pigment of your imagination!"
F A martial arts film involving people in animal costumes could be called Fist of Furry.
F There was a company that sold paper to origami enthusiasts, but it folded.
L A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I said "That's the last thing I need!"
PQ "I loved my stuffed pig so much that I dyed it purple!" "I didn't know that pigment so much to you."
PQ As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.
PQ I wanted to watch the origami competition on the TV, but it was on paper view.
PQ When the mathematician's parrot gets hungry, it turns into a polynomial.
R Carpets can't just be tough, they must be rugged.
S I just swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
S The other shapes are cannibals because they eat three square meals a day.
TU A delicatessen for running enthusiasts could be called the Track Meat.
TU A singles bar for running enthusiasts could be called the Track Meet.
TU Do fishing professionals participate in Throwback Thursdays?
TU I swallowed a dictionary. It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
TU Matt the Magician did an amazing quick-change trick while driving. He turned into his driveway.
VZ Garments worn by the military and first responders are grown on unifarms.
VZ In the movie Casablanca, if Rick had been a mathematician, he could have said "Here's looking at Euclid."
VZ Skeletons clean the ice with Zambonys.
VZ When the triangle got into a serious car crash, it became a rectangle.
December 31, 2017:
A People who design dog houses are barkitects.
B Preparing new shoes for use is like being a burglar, since you have to break them in.
B They're called stock brokers because you're seldom richer after you deal with them.
D Any character on Game of Thrones who runs away from Brienne could be on Star Wars, as a Tarth Evader.
D I can't believe that I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
D When a person playing cards gets frustrated, does s/he say "I can't deal with this any more!"
D When we want to change the colour of coins, do we dime?
F My seismologist friend got a job predicting earthquakes. He's a real faults prophet.
I When people are recovering from eye surgery, do they wake up in the ICU?
M Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight. There would be mass confusion.
O What did the egg say when it was set on fire? "Om lit!"
PQ A peeled apple that's ready to eat has been pre-pared for you.
PQ If a chess player were to set up a swindle, would it be called a pawnzi scheme?
PQ The Well-Appointed Irish Veranda: Paddy O'FurnitureJA
PQ When a quarterback declines an offer, does he say "I'll pass"?
TU What the Sun Does to Your Skin: Tanya Brown
VZ Clothes worn out-of-doors become beat-up and shabby because you wear them out.
VZ How to Yodel: O. Lea LeahyJA
December 5, 2017:
A When the zombie armies finish fighting and declare a cease-fire, do any of them ask "Who's armistice?"
B Keep Your Hair Neat: Bobby Pins and Hera ClipsJA
C People in the armed forces prefer formal tea over casual tea.
C When the mathematician went out into the cold, she put on her cotan hat.
D If Marvel Comics gets desperate for a new character, they can create a zombie superhero who plays hand bells. They could call him Dead Ringer.
F An American state that produces both fluoride and flooring is Florida.
F We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank made a monster.
H "Whose tea should I have with this cheese?" "Havarti."
H Do marijuana supporters cheer a victory with high-fives?
J Why is there music coming from the printer? The paper is jamming again.
M Do Geographers in Southeast Asia sing "Myanmar Shadow"?
N Do journalists eat news feed?
R "I eat leftovers," said Tom reservedly.
R Axle grease helps the digestion because it's a roll-aid.
R When journalists come into the office, are they reporting for work?
S "All brooms are useful!" said Tom, making a sweeping generalization.
S Can a female mathematician turn into a mushroom? No, secant.
TU Did Luke get Darth Vader a TIE for Father's Day?
TU What do NRA supporters say for Halloween? "Trigger Treat!"
TU When a disaster happened in the tool factory, the foreman held up a hammer and yelled: "Evacuate! This is not a drill!"
TU When zombies want to fight, do they throw hands?
VZ I rubbed a bottle of bath salts, and a genie appeared. "You may have either the best bath ever or the best shower ever. Choose!" He said. "Uhh… uhh…" I said, confused. "Don't be wishee-washee!" said the genie.
October 28, 2017:
A When does a bird become a light bulb? When it alights on a branch.
B Stories About Very Rich People: Billie O'NairJA
C If you take your dog for a drive, it will turn into a rug because it's a carpet.
D "Good King Wenceslas": Deepan Crispin Even
G If I want to get a job at the nuclear power plant, I will need a glowing reference.
H Do cannibals think that "The History of the Microwave" is a heartwarming story?
I If a circuit is integrated, does that mean its white and non-white components are working together?
L A tailor let out my pants. I had to chase them all over the yard before I caught them.
L Heat Makes Me Rise: Libby Dough
M Stories About Rich People: Millie O'NairJA
O Stretching an ellipse makes it oblonger.
R Nobly Radioactive: Ray Don Gas
R When a cannibal's life is celebrated with comedy, is s/he being roasted?
S A man walked into a zoo, but the only animal there was a dog. It was a shitzu.
S Lizards of Fire: Sally ManderJA
S When a gentleman tailor woos a lady, he is called a suitor.
TU How We Used to Shorten Trouser Legs: Theo Hemingway
September 26, 2017:
B When a farmer does really well, she grows auto parts because she has a bumper crop.
C Corporate raiders are a little too friendly. They want to keep you company.
D People who leap into water head first are a divers bunch.
F The backside of a fern is really hot because it's a furnace.
G "Your dog is so dumb, he doesn't even understand the concept of fetch." "Yeah, he just doesn't get it."
G I once won a scholarship by writing about the 18th American President. It wasn't much, just a general grant.
G The Historical Society was unable to sell the old prison gallows. They couldn't even gibbet away.
I If you put a picture of yourself in a locket, you can say you're independent.
M A Japanese cartoonist makes the drawing of leg joints elementary, because they're manganese.
M When a soldier leaves the army, he turns into a condiment, because he's mustered out.
M Who's on the menu at the Cannibal Restaurant? Me-n-u.
PQ When I look at my digital watch and see it's 3:14:15, I know it's time for pie.
PQ When I see a cougar coming towards me, it makes me want to puma pants.
R If Eminem were to grow his hair really long to try to peddle a book on wordplay, would we call him Rap Pun Sell?
S Sports Mathematics: Golf + Marksmanship = Shot Putt.
S The Battle of Salamis involved ships, not sausages.
TU When I saw the ad "Radio for sale, for $1, volume stuck on full", I thought "I can't turn down that offer!"
VZ Pulled weeds become Americans - Yankees.
August 28, 2017:
B Was Baldur the ancient Norse god of hair loss?
H Don't challenge a geographer to a boat battle. Helsinki for sure.
H How do you greet bread? Say "Helloaf".
H Should gardeners invest in hedge funds?
I If you get stuck in the Italian Mud, Apulia out.
I Some kids only like playgrounds if they have swings. Their theme song could be "It Don't Mean a Thing if it Ain't Got that Swing."
I What part of a cake reminds one of a karaoke bar? The icing.
I Which American president was the least guilty? Abraham Lincoln. He's in a cent.
J I had forgotten how to run, but a trainer jogged my memory.
L I asked the bakery if they had shortbread. They told me they don't make it any longer.
L I got a model of a dirigible and when I put little lights on it, it began to play "Stairway to Heaven". It was an LED Zeppelin.
L What is the preferred beer of lumberjacks? Lager.
PQ "The Czech capital's economy will grow this year" is a good Prague-nosis.
PQ Give a cat a kilt and you'll have a plaidypuss.
PQ Hardy wanted to be selected for the trip to northern France, so he shouted "Picardy!"
R An orthodontic appliance will turn your teeth into lawyers, because they're all on retainer.
S An article of clothing best avoided by electricians is shorts.
S Which brand of gum is loud and annoying? S-trident.
VZ A French smartass is a Oise guy.
July 21, 2017:
A What do you get when you cross a fruit with an extinct bird? An avocadodo.
B A Halloween flower arrangement is a boo-quet.
B Do overstressed firefighters suffer from burnout?
B Where are chimes rated? Belgrade.
C If you want to buy chicken housing at a discount, can you use coop-ons?
D The astronomer wasn't just loathesome, he was de-Spica-ble.
F It's hard to tell in the pictures, but Mr. Spock of Star Trek has three ears: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
F The soft drink Fanta is an opiod. When I run out, it's a Fanta-nil situation.
G How do strippers deal with adversity? They grin and bare it.
G If you see a fox, name it Guy, so you can have an instant Guy Fawkes Day.
H Is hop-Scotch a drinking game for frogs and rabbits?
K Daredevils smack a horse's rump not for the thrill, but for kicks.
K Which Muppet was the Whiskey King? Kermit Laphroaig.
L Gay Vegetables: Les Bean
M The cheapskate astronomer is a Mizar.
N A farmer that successfully raised lesbian cows won a no-bull prize for agriculture.
O "You two are pyromaniacs, and it looks like your boy is too!" "Well, he is our son Orson."
R About Army Units: Reggie Mantle
R If you see a wren, name it Stimpy.
R You shouldn't call a practice jousting session a run-through.
VZ I Frighten Your Pets: Yvette Soffice.
June 12, 2017:
A I will make jokes about The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe for Aslan as I can.
A My Frequently-Mended Garment: Apache Dress
B Musical theatre is a great place for burglars. People are always breaking into song.
C Chance Encounter at the Ball: Quincy Dance
E Do the anorexic supermodels think they're elegaunt?
E Is it an electronic cow? Is it a flightless bird? It's both! It's an e-moo!
F "Your steam roller will not persuade me. Flattery will get you nowhere!"
G If a redhead works at a bakery, does that make him a ginger bread man?
G Where in Wales will you find a church organ all decked out in sequins, ruffles and feathers? In the Vale of Glam-organ.
I What do the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common? Icy dead people.
I What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? Irrelephant.
L Can you wash grass in the lawndry?
L What do the [losing team name] and Oprah have in common? They're both win-free.
M Do you greet people in the south of France with "Marseilles beaucoup"?
M When Kate Moss passes away, will her final resting place be a Moss-oleum?
N When I asked the lion what he was doing in my wardrobe, he said "Narnia business!"
O Any song about glowing Conservative cookies would have to be an aura-toreo.
PQ Don't name a song "Jar-Eyes". In English, they teach you to never play Jar-Eyes.
PQ Steep some eucalyptus leaves in hot water to get a high koala-tea drink.
R Baby Lions!: Rory Kubbs
R Classical musicians would support Dwayne Johnson for President. They think the Rachmaninoff for the job.
R Dwayne Johnson and Dave Grohl should run for the US Presidency in 2020. Who wouldn't vote for The Rock and Grohl?
S If Dr. Van Helsing were to incorporate Vampire Hunters Inc, who would be the stakeholders?
S My supply of beach jokes is more than surficient to meet demand.
TU Some people think that John Donne had a hand in William Shakespeare's Sonnets. These people say their cause is holy, because "Thy Will be Donne".
VZ If a drywall contractor named Russ were to choose a mascot for his company, would it be a walrus?
Sonny Scott, Linda Lew, Owen Kaminoff, Jacob Adler.
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