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Puns by Category index page (new!)
March 6, 2021
F If your children are looking for a career, have them consider farming. There’s good money in that field.
L When his ears were criticized, the MMA fighter responded with a sucker punch. It was a lobe low.
PQ I just Googled "Missing medieval servant" and the result was "Page not found".
S Does launching a blue spacecraft make someone a rocket cyantist?
TU A photographer was thrown out of an art gallery because he kept taking pictures.
TU Do train drivers ever get qualified or are they always in training?
February 26, 2021
A A shipment of weight loss pills was stolen this morning. The suspects are still at large.Pun.me
B It's not that the man didn't know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.Pun.me
D I installed a high-voltage electric fence around my property. My neighbour is dead against it.Pun.me
E Cows lie down in the rain to keep each udder dry.Pun.me
F Humpty Dumpty had a terrible summer, but he had a great fall.Pun.me
F I'll never be a champion dwarf thrower. All my efforts fall short.
G A goalie's goal in life is to have no goals.
J My grandma told me that her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.Pun.me
L He didn't tell his mother that he had eaten some glue. His lips were sealed.Pun.me
L If the judge loves the sound of his/her voice, expect a long sentence.Pun.me
M My wife applied to work at the post office, but they wouldn't letter. They said only mails work here.Pun.me
O Why do astronauts' computers use the Linux operating system? You can't open Windows in space.
R I hate carrying my luggage around the airport. I rest my case.Pun.me
S I wanted to be an astronaut when I grew up, but my parents told me that the sky is the limit.Pun.me
S People prefer houses with basements. They're best cellars.Pun.me
TU I wanted to learn Braille, but it's a touchy subject.Pun.me
TU She wears glasses in Math class because it improves division.Pun.me
TU When I get naked in the bathroom, only the shower gets turned on.Pun.me
VZ My wife told me to stop speaking in numbers, but I didn't 1 2.Pun.me
February 7, 2021
B Beware the flattering cannibal. He's trying to butter you up.
C Did you hear about the heavy-metal band Cadmium? They've just released a new Cd at the Neon, you know the seedy club downtown.
D I banished all of the fighting Transformers when I played a card from my pocket. It was a deuce ex machina.
F I opened the garage door and saw that my bike tires needed tuning because they were a bit flat.
H Charlie the Chickpea was found crushed to death. It was ruled a hummus-cide
L A British city has gone missing. Police are currently looking for Leeds.
O A new card deck gets broken when it's shuffled because then it's out of order.
O If I had to rate this solar system, I'd give it one star.
PQ My friend spent a lot of time washing his car, only to put a blob of mustard on the hood. "If I put my Gray Poupon the car, maybe the birds won't," was his rationalization.
S I just spent $300 to rent a limo and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver. I can't believe that I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.
S I know a guy who started building boats in his attic. His sails went through the roof.
TU I just found out that Einstein was real. I thought that he was just a theoretical physicist.
VZ Don't you just hate it when you're picking up your bags at the airport and everyone's luggage is better than yours? Worst-case scenario.
VZ Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if they were pruned.
VZ Having an emoji with "Yes!" on it would be motivational because it would be the Yes icon.
January 24, 2021
A I wonder if ballet dancers have to a-plié to join a company, or just audition.
B Did you hear about the big fight at the seafood restaurant? Battered fish were everywhere!
C There was a burglary at the wig shop. Police are combing the area.
D "Crete is boring" + "Crete is ugly" = 2, at least in discrete mathematics.
D If the New Years Eve guys in New York foul up during the show, we could say that they dropped the ball.
D What rank does a dentist in the army hold? A drill sergeant.
E A snail got himself a fast car with the letter S on its side. He wanted to drive really quickly so that people would say "Look at that S car go!"
G "Why does my coffee taste like mud?" "I don't know. It was ground a few minutes ago."
G I had a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tires and roll me downhill. Those were Goodyears.
G What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar on New Year's Eve? He got 12 months.
H Living through the accident in the farmer's field was a harrowing experience.
L Why can't pirates recite the alphabet? They get lost at C.
M Have you ever tried blind-folded archery? You don't know what you're missing.
M I made a gumbo with just beef and okra. It wasn't all that good, it was just meaty okra.
M If the actor Mr. T. had called himself Mr. E., nobody would have known what he was doing.
PQ I don't know why people have a problem with wigs. It's a look anyone can pull off.
PQ One ink spot walked up to another ink spot and said "Why are you crying?" The other ink spot replied "because my dad is in the pen and I don't know how long the sentence will be!"
R Is a person who judges dog or cat shows a ref-furry?
S You know a person is crooked when they won't give a straight answer.
TU Why did 1/5 get a massage? Because it was two tenths.
TU Why is 4 afraid of 5? Because it's 22.
TU Yes, you can tuna fish by adjusting the scales.
VZ Can anyone remember that chiropractor joke I posted about a week back?
VZ Grandpa used to dig holes for wells as a profession. You could say he was well into holesales.
VZ If I were to raise the alarm about corruption in the Referee's Union, would that make me a whistle-blower whistleblower?
VZ When my friend ate a calculator, I defended him by saying "He may be strange, but it's what inside him that counts."
December 29, 2020
Most of these were shamelessly stolen from Reddit's Dad Jokes.
A What do you a call a man with an ant on his knee? Antony.
B I went into the kitchen and saw a hurricane making a pot of tea. I thought "hmm, there's a storm brewing."
B My friend found a deer stuck in a fence. It took him 3 hours, but he was able to rescue it. He’ll do anything for a buck.
B The best place for a pig rodeo is Buckingham.
C How does a farmer shop for new cows? With a cattleog.
C What's an Italian's favourite breed of dog? Chow.
D Getting Covid vaccines out to people is a dose-se-do.
E Before surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.
F A man walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees. The clerk carefully counts 13 bees out onto the counter. 'That’s one too many!' says the customer. The clerk replies 'It’s a freebie.
H To support a conservation effort, I "adopted" a manatee. I decided to name him Hugh so that I could say "Oh, the Hugh Manatee!"
I My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered… "Swarm."
K I am Buzz Aldrin. Second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.
K I met my boyfriend while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...straightaway, I knew he was a keeper.
L "Doctor, I'm shrinking!" "Well, you'll have to be a little patient."
L I've never owned a telescope. It's something worth looking into.
L Lance is an uncommon name these days, but in medieval times people were named Lance a lot!
M "Officer, why are you crying while writing my ticket?" "It's a … moving violation."
M Elves are always defending the shape of their ears. They make some good points.
M Every morning after waking up, the first thing I do is make my bed. Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.
M If he won't laugh at your fruit jokes, it's time to let that mango.
M Move and TV set designers don't have tantrum, but they will make a scene.
M My French Lover: Mona Moore
M Tailors won't apologize, but will make amends.
M What is made of cheese and found in Scotland? The Loch Ness Muenster.
O Her: "I have ovaries." Him: "Is that why you ovary act?"
PQ Scientific research is more trustworthy when it comes from France because it's Pierre reviewed.
PQ What happens when you fart in church? You have to sit in your own pew.
R Leaves are chronic livestock thieves because they're always rustling.
R People who design traffic circles are gabby because they talk in a roundabout way.
S For Christmas, I got my girlfriend a gift card for an optician. It will help her see in the New Year.
S Friend: "For this appointment, how does two o'clock sound?" Me: "Bong, bong."
S Hairdressers aren't usually rude, but they can be snippy.
S I hate those people who knock on your door and say you need to get 'saved' or you'll 'burn.' Stupid firemen.
S My friend is obsessed with taking blurry pictures of himself while taking a shower. He has serious selfie steam issues.
S What do you call a wine professional from the horn of Africa? A Somalier.
TU I just saw 10 ants frantically running around my kitchen. I felt bad, so I built them a small house. Now I’m their landlord and I collect rent from my tenants.
TU I went to the shooting range for the first time, but I couldn’t get my gun to fire. I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.
TU The way Christmas is, with all the unwrapping and opening, we should call it Unboxing Day.
TU Why is it so hard to teach elephants to dance? They have two left feet.
VZ With what do dog owners lock your doors? Yorkies!
November 28, 2020
TU What do dentists call their X-rays? Tooth pics.
F The city's parking enforcement officers handed out lots of tickets and were commended for doing a fine job.
O I always thought that orchids were two boys propelling a rowboat.
L Did you know that the Roman Army sold milk wherever it went? It was Legion-Dairy.
C When librarians go into singles bars, do they get checked out?
S I will create a new mixed drink and call it "Marksman" because it will be a shooter.
C I will create another new mixed drink and call it "Bloodhound" because it will be a chaser.
B The motto of a discount hair stylist could be "More Bangs for Your Buck".
B The motto of a discount deer rifle gun shop could also be "More Bangs for Your Buck".
G A hand-cranked coffee mill is the perfect gift for people who think work is a grind and a grind is work.
November 15, 2020
B "Bull in a China Shop!" is an example of breaking news.
B The places where lawyers join their professional association should be saloons, since it's where they're called to the bar.
C Chocolate Treat Revolution!: Cara Melinda Barr
C Doctors and museums have one thing in common: they are judged on their curating.
C What is the preferred mind-altering substance of trades people? Plumber's crack.
J If you need to cut wood while dancing, use a jigsaw.
PQ Dry cleaners are always busy. They have pressing business.
PQ Pencils that are pretty and they know it come from Pennsylvania.
PQ The priest started sweating when he saw the quote for repairing the church's roof because the charge was perspire.
R Do people have to run for president of a jogging club?
R Novice chess players are called rookies.
S "Royal, Navy, Sky, Cornflower…" "What are you doing?" "I'm singing the blues!"
S People coming out of boxing matches with Muhammad Ali were usually sore losers.
TU What would happen if the Plaid Plague Pandemic were left unchecked?
VZ Said one goose to another: "Supporting the humans' winter coat industry is tiresome. It's wearing me down."
October 21, 2020
A Skunks climb by making ascent.
B "I'm losing my hair!" Tom bawled.
B "This wind is awful!" blustered Tom.
B An unsuccessful demolition engineer can only blow up balloons.
C Are people who decide on giving vaccines calling the shots?
C My career as a chess grandmaster was kept in check by my incompetence.
C When I need a ride, I use my Monkey Phone to colobus.
D Assassin dancers prefer to double-tap.
D Cow farts come from the dairy air.
D Zombies don't get exhausted, but they do get dead tired.
G A person making a sales pitch for Glock pistols could use a glockenspiel.
H When economists started making a lot of noise about inflation, I called it a hullaballoon.
I Mathematical functions aren't very poetic, but their inverses are.
O "We can't have this and eat it too," said Tom archaically.
O There was going to be a fancy naming ceremony for a new bug repellent, but it was called off at the last minute.
PQ I think that I'm a good cook, but others claim that I put the queasy in cuisine.
R I got a chocolate monkey for Easter. I took it apart so that I could have Rhesus Pieces.
S Vampires are not suited to be detectives because they don't like stakeouts.
TU I made a video of myself pounding on a tough piece of meat with a mallet after sundown. I'll call it "Tenderize the Night".
VZ For years, Sasquatch has been called Bigfoot, Yeti never complains.
September 5, 2020
A "Why is everything crooked?" "I was going to askew the same thing."
C Apparently there is a Russian resort on the Black Sea which offers cabanas for only 10 kopeks a night. When I heard about it, I wanted to write a song called "Kopek Cabana".
C How do golfers contribute to sports pools? They chip in.
C Sixteen Tons: Cole Minor
F A cheese that is already made is a feta compli.
F A man and his son were fishing in a lake, whose water was rough because it was a windy day. He made a bad cast and the hook snagged in the little hole in the tag of his pants zipper. His son said "Is this why it's called fly fishing?"
F Is a person in a life jacket factory who fills in for others called a float?
I How to Say Farewell to the Flower Girl: Abby Zinnia
K Are macramé pigs made in Nottingham?
L A Soviet-era brand of fabric was called Vladimir Linen.
M The rapping shark called himself M. C. Hammerhead.
M Why I Can Open the Lock: Mikey Fitz
PQ Are mattresses in the California desert made with Palm Springs?
PQ People who prepare poultry may not be brave, but they are plucky.
R A small boat with a bell on it could be called the "Lily Tomlin" - one ringy-dinghy.
S Does a basketball player who specializes in slam-dunks have the right stuff?
S Fred plays the Safety position on the football team. When he said he'd check out Tinder for a Special Someone, Harold said, "Here you go, you'll find your flame here," and gave him some safety matches.
S The Russian King of Entertainment: Sid C Czar
TU Dawdling in a clock store is like shoplifting because you're taking time.
VZ When it comes to dangerous fabrics, is discretion the better part of velour?
August 8, 2020
B To wish an oil driller well, should you say "Have a boring day"?
B What do you call two leg bones that deny the existence of God? Blasfemurs.
C I was tossed out of my local park for arranging squirrels by height. They didn't like my critter sizing.
D A kids' TV show about a magical hat that goes on educational journeys could be called "Fedora the Explorer". Its catchphrase could be "You can stay here, I'll go on ahead."
F With what did Noah illuminate the Ark? Flood lights.
H The motto of a combination veterinary clinic and dog obedience school could be "Here you come to heel."
I How are a priest and a financial advisor similar? A financial advisor works with investments, while a priest works in vestments. And both pray to their chosen Deity that they're doing it right...
K How do you assemble a fox? Well, you start with a kit…
M The song that is most played in fabric stores is Madonna's "Material Girl".
PQ A game that you don't want to play with kids in a fireworks factory is peek-a-boom.
S A small, grubby boat is a dingy dinghy. You can choose where to sit to propel it, as it's an either oar situation.
S Skunks know naturally that they have a potent weapon under their tails. This makes me wonder if they put the stink in instinct.
TU When asked to report on unrest among the brewery workers caused by malfunctioning equipment, the manager said "There's trouble brewing."
TU When pondering the name for a child, do parents say "Toby, or not Toby? That is the question."
VZ Any hole drilled by oil prospectors is a wishing well.
June 28, 2020
A Any operation against weeds is an all-out assault.
A How do you know when a skunk agrees with you? When it gives strong assent.
A What does a house wear? Address.
A What does a nut say when it sneezes? "Cashew!"
B Did you hear about the dyslexic zombie who only eats Brians?
B How can you tell it's a dogwood tree? By its bark.
B How do you catch a bra? With a booby trap.
B I told my doctor that I am hearing buzzing in my ears, but he said it's just a bug going around.
B Is a numbskull who likes Lego a blockhead?
B Should a trampoline team from Prague call themselves the Bouncing Cheques?
B The LEGO stores are reopening. People are lined up for blocks!
B When a trampoline team flies to its engagements, its plane of choice is a Boeing.
B When fish swim in schools, they sometimes take debate.
C Is concrete sick before it's cured?
C Thin pancakes formed in the shape of bugs are crepe crawlies.
C What do you call a snobby criminal going downstairs? A condescending con descending.
C Why did the elevator call in sick? It thought it was coming down with something.
D What does a baby computer call its father? "Data!"
D What gets wet the more it dries? A towel.
D What's even better than Ted Danson? Ted singing and Danson.
D Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.
F How do you measure the length of a snake? In inches, since they don't have feet.
F How many ears do Star Trek fans have? Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
F Why are toilets so good at poker? They always get a flush.
F Why can't a nose be twelve inches long? Because then it would be a foot!
H Has something been forgotten when a wedding goes off without a hitch?
H What do hillbillies drink from? Hiccups.
H What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip Pop.
H What's the difference between Prince William and a tennis ball? Prince William is the heir to the throne, and a tennis ball is thrown in the air.
H Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honey comb.
I I'm a Chatterbox!: Isaiah Lott
I Studies have shown that cows produce more milk when the farmers talk to them. It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.
I What's big and gray and doesn't matter? Irrelephant.
L Are chickens who are hiding just laying low?
L I made a waffle out of plastic blocks just so that I could say "Lego my Eggo!"
L What kind of shoes do lazy people prefer? Loafers.
M Do mimes commute to work?
M Have you heard the joke about the bed? No? That's because it hasn't been made yet.
M My venture into the gravestone-making business was a monumental success.
M The mime sentenced to death for murder had his sentence commuted.
M The preferred gun of the hunting cat is a Mauser.
M What did the coffee pot report to the police? A mugging.
M Why are elevator jokes always so good? Because they work on many levels.
M With what are anti-racism marches constructed? Black lives matter.
N Someone told me that I should write a book. That's a novel concept.
O If I tell you two roof jokes, you need only pay me for the second one, as the first one is on the house.
PQ How did Ebenezer Scrooge win the football game? The Ghost of Christmas passed!
R It's time for the Gardener Olympics! For which plant herder will you root?
R Since hockey was cancelled, nobody has seen the Zamboni driver, but we're sure she'll resurface eventually.
R Talking about cosmetic surgery used to be taboo, but now when we talk about Botox, nobody raises an eyebrow.
R When the Pope sleepwalks, does that make him a roamin' Catholic?
R Which American State has the most streets? Rhode Island.
S After the salesman in the swanky jewelery store had a skiing accident, he Swarovski forever.
S Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it.
S I took the shell off of my racing snail to make it faster, but it just made it more slug-ish.
S My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store. I realized when I got home that I had picked 7 up.
S Two jumper cables walked into a bar. The bartender said "I'll serve you, but don't start anything!"
S What happens when you witness a shipwreck? You let it sink in.
S What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.
TU I got bored during quarantine, so I decided to take up fencing. The neighbours keep demanding that I put it back.
TU The party game that you shouldn't play during a tornado outbreak is Twister.
VZ An EF3 tornado destroyed the Royal Canadian Mint in Ottawa yesterday, scattering coins over half of the city. The storm has been dubbed "the whirlwind of change".
VZ I've got a great joke on construction coming, but I'm still working on it.
VZ Naval dockyards are holy because they are places of warship.
VZ While pondering the sight of three watering holes in the ground, I said "Well, well, well."
May 28, 2020
A Ants don't get sick because they have anty bodies.
A What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe.
A Who do you get a country girl's attention? A tractor.
B A guy I knew got fired from so many jobs that he started calling himself Blaise.
B How to banish a gardener: say "Begonia!"
B I wonder if it's wise to refer to financial aid for airline companies as a "bailout".
B In what form do cattle prefer their gold to be? Bull-ion.
B What a Big Fire Does: Blaise Burns
B What do you call a group of men waiting in line for a haircut? A barberqueue.
C What did the fisherman say to the magician? Pick a cod, any cod.
D What kind of eggs do evil chickens lay? Deviled eggs.
D When you put an S in front of laughter, you get slaughter. No wonder people die laughing.
D Where do I store all my Dad jokes? In a Dadabase.
F Beware of sheep scammers. They're always trying to fleece you.
F How so celebrities remain cool? They have lots of fans.
F I’m trying to work out an easy way to convert the 2 metre social distancing rule into imperial measurements, but it’s just a bit more than I can fathom.
I I hate auto-correct. It always makes me say things I don't Nintendo.
I You Don't Understand?: Alex Plain
L A soils scientist was elected president of the Geological Society. Apparently she won by a landslide.
M Before the Obamas got married, did Michelle sing "My Boyfriend's Barak and You're Gonna Be in Trouble"?
N While most puns make me feel numb, math puns make me feel number.
O Covid-19 has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society. They fear that all the social distancing measures will push people over the edge.
O I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We opened for The Doors.
PQ Could the work of the Wright brothers be considered a pilot project?
R Why did Silly Billy move really quickly out of the clock tower? So that he could say that he ran out of time.
S "Dad, Jim Morrison was highly overrated!" "Son, I've told you not to slam The Doors!"
S A twin in prison called his brother. He asked "Remember when we were little and used to finish each other's sentences?"
S Barbers and hair stylists are forward thinking because they're always seeing ahead.
S Wagering that a frozen treat that isn't ice cream is called sorbet sounds like a sherbet to me.
VZ "What's your favourite month?" "July." "Why July?" "I didn't lie."
May 9, 2020
A The dried fruit thief was eventually apri-caught.
B It's a fruit! It's a flatbread! It's a banaana!
C A woman in the late stages of her pregnancy suddenly started shouting "Can't! Won't! Shouldn't!" Her husband rushed into the room and said "I hear that the contractions have started."
E Telling your luggage that there will be no vacation this year can be tough. Emotional baggage is the worst.
F Iron Man's superhero chemist wife is called Fe-male.
H Are documentaries about boxing supposed to be hard-hitting? (And will they be reviewed in the magazine Punch?)
H You've really got to hand it to short people - because they probably can't reach it anyway.
I An excellent music teacher is instrumental in getting kids to learn and love it.
J I was doing jumping jacks when my pants fell down. That's how I became known as Jumping Jack Flash.
N How can I unlock my phone if it's a Nokia?
PQ Why are empty fruit stands crooked? Because they are out of plum.
S I burned myself when smoking, and have the cigars to show for it.
S The aquatic mammal that's also a chemical element is a Cl.
S Three psychiatrists were wondering what to do for a talent show. I suggested that they cover some Eminem tunes and call themselves "Shrink Rap". They could make a film about the experience.
S Why is dark spelled with a K and not a C? Because you can't see in the dark.
April 18, 2020
Most of these were "borrowed" from one of the following sites:
Dad jokes from thedad.com,
More Dad jokes from thedad.com,
A Dad joke Reddit group,
A huge list of Dad jokes in a Dad jokes Reddit group.
A Balls have got to be one of the oldest toys. They've been around for a long time.
A I have a deep admiration for busts. They're really ahead of their time.
A I'm finally going to sit and read that Stephen Hawking book. It's about time.
A What do you call an underaged musician? A minor.
A What has two butts and kills people? An assassin.
A When does a joke become a "dad" joke? When it becomes apparent.
A When the Big Bad Wolf became a Buddhist and started meditating, he became even scarier. He was aware wolf.
A Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long.
B A person who's fishing in a hurry wants a woodwind: a bassoon.
B I was watching an Australian cooking show and the audience applauded when the chef made a meringue. I was surprised, as Australians usually boo meringue.
B My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. He kept insisting we "Be Positive", but it's hard without him.
B What did the duck say when she bought lipstick? "Put it on my bill."
B What do you get when you cross a chicken with a cement truck? A brick layer.
B Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
B Why isn’t suntanning an Olympic sport? Because the best you can ever get is bronze.
B Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball.
C A doctor broke his leg while auditioning for a play. Luckily he was still able to make the cast.
C After dinner, my wife asked me to clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.
C Argentina is a bit cold this time of year. It's borderline Chile.
C Does a match box? No, but a tin can.
C I was addicted to eating money, but I've changed.
C My phone has to wear glasses ever since it lost its contacts.
C The magazine about ceiling fans went out of business due to low circulation.
C To which American state do crayons go for a vacation? Color-ado.
C What do you do to an open wardrobe? You closet.
C What is the best Christmas present ever? A broken drum – you can’t beat it!
C Why did the man sell his vacuum cleaner? Because it was just collecting dust.
C Why did the traffic light turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
C Why do melons get married? Because they can't elope.
C Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? Because it might crack up.
D How would a Jewish boy react to being told to "Drink yarmulke"?
D I met some aliens from outer space. They were pretty down to earth.
D When the scientist wanted to clone a deer, he bought a doe it yourself kit.
D Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.
E Last night I dreamed that I was a car muffler. I woke up exhausted.
E What kind of school is Sherlock Holmes Public School? Elementary, my dear Watson.
E What’s it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials.
F How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
F I tell Dad jokes, but I have no kids. Does this make me a faux pa?
F There's a guy around town stealing iPhones. When he's caught, he will FaceTime in prison.
F What do sea monsters eat for lunch? Fish and ships.
F What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing. They fast.
F What music concert costs only 45 cents? 50-Cent featuring Nickelback.
F Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
G How do you get over a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.
G I cut my finger while shredding cheese, but I think that I have greater problems.
G What was the most ground-breaking invention? A shovel.
G When does a Dad joke cost $1000? When it's a Granddad joke.
G Yesterday a clown held the door for me. It was a nice jester.
H Why was the belt arrested? It held up a pair of pants.
I I took the P out of a pirate. He got really angry.
I So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world!
I You cannot cross an eagle with an eel because it's eeleagle.
J Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course. Houses can't jump.
L How do hens lose their jobs? They get laid off.
L I had a pun about insanity but then I lost it.
M Everyone knows where the Big Apple is, but who knows where the Minneapolis?
M I heard that the post office was a male dominated industry.
M My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.
M The rotation of the earth really makes my day.
M What, you haven't tried blindfolded archery? You don't know what you're missing!
M When You Find Mr. Right: Miriam Quick
N The plane flight brought my acrophobia to new heights.
N Why didn't the skeleton go out trick-or-treating? He had no body to go with.
N Why is Covid-19 called "Novel corona virus"? It's a long story.
N Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he never lands.
N Why is it so hard to tell jokes about retired people? None of them work.
O Apparently, crows have 16 pinion feathers and ravens have 17. So the difference between the two is a matter of a pinion.
O I broke a finger at work today. On the other hand, things are still OK.
O I owe a lot to the sidewalks. They’ve been keeping me off the streets for years.
O I was attacked by 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9. The odds were against me.
O When the church relocated it had an organ transplant.
PQ Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
PQ Why do doctors tend to be calm? Because they have lots of patients.
R Why couldn’t the dead car drive into the cluttered garage? Lack of vroom.
S Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
S I hate negative numbers and will stop at nothing to avoid them.
S I used to make clown shoes, which was no small feat.
S I used to work in a shoe recycling factory. It was sole-destroying.
S If I sleep like a log, will I wake up in a fireplace?
S It's a five-minute walk from my house to the pub, and 45 minutes the other way. The difference is staggering.
S My books fell on me. I have only my shelf to blame.
S My daughter scribbled her name on the ground at the beach. I didn't know she knew sandscript.
S What do you get when you cross an elephant with a fish? Swimming trunks.
S What's the tallest building in the world? A library, because it has the most stories.
S What’s it called when you put a cow in an elevator? Raising the steaks.
S Why are ghosts such bad liars? You can see right through them.
S Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.
S Why did the skeleton go to the museum? It wanted to see the skulptures.
TU A man has been stealing the wheels from police cruisers. The cops are working tirelessly to find him.
TU He couldn’t work out how to fix the washing machine so he threw in the towel.
TU How do you overcome fear of elevators? You take steps to avoid them.
TU I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.
TU People say that I'm a plagiarist. Their words, not mine!
TU Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan? Because of the tally ban.
TU Why did the fraction 1/5 go to the masseur? Because it was two tenths.
TU Why was the burglar so sensitive? He took things personally.
VZ After eating the ship, the sea monster said, I can’t believe I ate the hull thing.
VZ I bought a wooden whistle but it wooden whistle.
VZ Why did the lion eat the tightrope walker? He wanted a well-balanced meal!
April 9, 2020
A Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? The food is great, but it has no atmosphere.
A Nodding your head is an example of affirmative action.
A Studying heiroglyphics is worrisome and leads to much ankhziety.
A Wouldn't it be better if we could ah-choose some ergies instead of allergies?
D Dr Smith, the obstetrician, became known as "Pizza Gal" because of her speedy deliveries.
E Keeping fish can have a calming effect on the brain due to all of the indoor fins.
I What's the best kind of joke to tell during isolation? An inside joke.
L Stairs and ladders are fun on so many levels.
M Is duck fat known as mal-lard?
PQ When Larry went to clown college, he wanted to be called Bobo, but due to his spectacular failures with balloon animals, he was called Pops.
S I bought a couple of casters (mounted wheels) from Home Despot today. When I got home, I looked at the wheels and they had the words "Abracadabra" and "Alakazam" on them. I thought "These must be Wizard brand because they're spell casters!"
S The type of bread that's obtained from shoplifting is stollen.
TU Luke Skywalker had a tattoo of a hotdog on his arm. He called it his Tattooweenie.
TU The repentant kleptomaniac said "I just couldn't take it anymore!"
VZ We were told to put on army boots to get ourselves on a wartime footing.
March 15, 2020
A Did the invention of calculus have an aftermath?
A Hockey Night in Canada has been suspended for the pandemic. It's really the end of the world - the Apuckalypse!
A If the Greek goddess of love had had big, poofy hair, would she have been called Afrodite?
B Laundry detergent made from hemp would be marketed under the brand name "High Tide".
B Michael J Fox was spotted in a gardening centre, though it was hard to tell with his back to the fuschias.
C "Can you tell me about your advertisement?" "Sorry, it's classified."
D A First Nations dictatorship would feature rule by deCree.
E Motto of a demolitions company: "Your expectations have been razed."
F When the 15th letter of the alphabet is on fire, it becomes a bird: a flamingo.
G I lost interest in my tiny car. I just couldn't get into it.
H Our maintenance man lost his legs on the job. Now he's a handyman.
J For a zombie, every surprise is jaw-dropping.
L A style of dressing that makes you resemble a Scottish noble: the Laird Look.
L When a zombie gets really angry, does it lose its head?
M I wrote a book about my life installing computer networks on cattle farms. I wanted to call it MooLAN, but the Disney lawyers objected.
N I build The Museum of Modern Punning out of cardboard boxes on my front lawn, but the recycling folks took it away. Now museum, now you don't.
PQ Pun enters a room and kills 10 people. Pun in, ten dead.
PQ When a zombie wakes up, do its eyes pop open?
S Never play pool when you're itchy, as you're sure to scratch.
S What is E.T. short for? Because he's short little legs. [From the movie E.T. the Extraterrestrial]
TU A person trying to seduce a gardener might say "I would like to tiptoe through your tulips."
VZ I made a meme about the corona virus and it went viral.
VZ The World Health Organization has declared that you cannot get the Coronavirus from dogs, and there is no longer any reason to quarantine them. W.H.O let the dogs out!
Sonny Scott, Linda Lew, Owen Kaminoff, Jacob Adler.
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