Pun Dictionary: C Entries

Cab Age (Vegetables)
The chronological progression of a taxi is measured by a leafy vegetable: cabbage.
Cabaret (One-Liners)
Cab[0], cab[1], … , cab[n] is very entertaining because it's a cab array.
I could make a big production out of putting a cool hat on a crow. I could call it a caw-beret.
Cabbagetown (Toronto)
The place to shop for green leafy vegetables is Cabbagetown.
Cage (Tom Swifties)
"Zoos are a necessary evil, I think," said Tom cagily.
Cahoots (Birds)
If crows and owls could ever learn to work together, they'd be in caw-hoots.
Cal Cut A (India)
"Cal is a great lumberjack!" "Oh? Can Calcutta redwood tree down in 10 minutes?"
Cal Lay (Europe: France)
"Tell Cal to install the carpet here." "Calais the rug in the study."
Calamity (Animals)
Sheep don't have disasters, they have ca-lamb-ities.
Calc Cue Late (Tom Swifties)
"The pool player from USC had to drop out because the proper equipment didn't arrive on time," Tom calculated.
Calculate (Tom Swifties)
"So this is your new computer!" said Tom calculatingly.
Calendar (Canada)
People always know what date it is in the town of Callendar.
Call a Bus (Animals)
When I need a ride, I use my Monkey Phone to colobus.
Call a Flower (Vegetables)
Phone company executive: "Let's rename our `Dial a Daisy' program cauliflower."
Call Edge (Toronto)
"Mr. Edge telephoned while you were out." "OK, I'll College right now."
Call Gary (Canada)
Ellen: "How can I ask Gary out for a date?" Helen: "Just pick up the phone and Calgary."
Call Harry (Africa)
Harry's wife is sick? I'll Kalahari right away to tell him.
Call in Sick (Book Titles: Good)
Take a Break!: Colin Sick
Call It a Day (Expressions)
God: "Whew, I just created 24-hour periods of alternating light and dark on Earth." Angel: "What will you do now?" God: "Call it a day."
Call It Quits (Book Titles: Good)
Retirement: Collette Quits
Call Out (Baseball)
Baseball umpires are also social reformers because they keep calling people out for stuff they do.
Call Rabbi (Vegetables)
To do your Bar Mitzvah, kohlrabi Goldstein.
Called to the Bar (One-Liners)
The places where lawyers join their professional association should be saloons, since it's where they're called to the bar.
Calling the Shots (Expressions)
Are people who decide on giving vaccines calling the shots?
Calling Wood (Canada)
The best place to buy a phone made of maple is Collingwood.
Callous (Tom Swifties)
"Rowing so much hurts my hands," said Tom callously.
Calm It (Astronomy)
The Great Bear was shot with Celestial Tranquilizer to comet down.
Camembert (Book Titles)
French Cheeses: Cam M. Bert
Camera (Jokes)
With what does Godzilla take photographs? A Gammera.
Camp Allah (Africa)
A summer camp for Moslems could be called Kampala.
Can (Two-Liners)
Does a match box? No, but a tin can.
Can Al (Physical)
"Mom, canal come over for dinner tonight?" "Of course. Al is always welcome to eat here."
Can Bear A (Australasia)
"Is she strong?" "Yes, she Canberra heavier load than I can."
Can Go (Africa)
Our visas are here! This means we Congo to Africa!
Can He Do It (Book Titles)
A Stuntman to The End: Kenny DoittJG
Can I (USA)
The question is, Kenai do any more geography tests without going berserk?
Can Nibble (Cannibals)
They're called cannibals because they can nibble on us.
Can Not (Halifax)
I can eat the Mackay Bridge!" "No, you Connaught! How would people get to Dartmouth?"
Can So (Canada)
"You cannot!" "I Canso!"
Can Sue (Asia: China)
Lawyer: "I can litigate." Geographer: "I Kansu!"
Can Ya (Africa)
Bum in Africa: "Hey buddy, Kenya spare some change?"
Candelabra (Physics)
A brassiere that measures light intensity is a candela-bra.
Candid [Camera] (Tom Swifties)
"I liked that TV show with Allan Funt," said Tom candidly.OK
Candide (Tom Swifties)
"No, I haven't read Voltaire," said Tom Candide-ly.
Canna Pay (One-Liners)
Free party snacks are provided for those who canapé.
Cannabis (Two-Liners)
The legalized marijuana industry needs a new name. I suggest cannabusiness.
Cannibal (Cannibals)
Do headhunters get dressed up for the Canni-Ball?
Canoed (Jokes)
If you were to disrobe while in a canoe, would you be ca-nude?
Canon (Military)
Pachelbel's Cannon is classical music that is popular with artillery soldiers.
Canoodle (Jokes)
If you were to bring pasta into a canoe, would that be for canoodling?
Cans (Europe: France)
Do you prefer drinking from Cannes or from bottles?
Can't (Europe: United Kingdom)
I Kent do any more of these geography tests.
Can't Beat It (Expressions)
What is the best Christmas present ever? A broken drum – you can’t beat it!
Can't Hit (Book Titles: Good)
Woulda Been A Great Shortstop: Kent HittJG
Can't Put it Down (Misc)
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
Can't Stand (Expressions)
I can't stand being in a wheelchair.
Can't write (Tom Swifties)
"I have writer's block," said Tom contritely.
Cantaloupe (Fruits)
Why do melons get married? Because they can't elope.
Canter (Animals)
A person who leads the singing is like a running horse because he's the cantor.
A running horse is infallible because it can't err.
Cap Size (Tom Swifties)
"The hatmaker on the Titanic measured my head for a perfect fit," said Tom, capsized.OK
Cape (Physical)
Superman must have been a geographer, since he wore a cape.
Cape Fear (USA)
This is a scary part of the world to be in: Cape Fear
Capella (Astronomy)
When astronomers sing, they do so a Capella.
Capers (Vegetables)
The way that vegetable capers around, you'd think her crazy.
Capitalize (One-Liners)
I am very good at starting sentences, but I don't like to capitalize on it.
Capsized (One-Liners)
When you flip a boat over in the water, you can fit it on your head because it is cap-sized.
Car Law (Toronto)
The Highway Traffic Act in Toronto is known as the Carlaw.
Car Mine (Book Titles: Good)
The Men Who Dig for Cars: Carmine Carmen
Car Rot (Vegetables)
Rust is edible. After all, it is a form of carrot, but we don't carrot all.
Car will hum (Book Titles)
How to Tune Up Your Auto: Carl HummJG
Caramel in the Bar (Book Titles: Good)
Chocolate Treat Revolution!: Cara Melinda Barr
Car-Bun (Chemistry: Elements)
A chemist baked some rolls in the shape of automobiles. He called them carbons.
Card (Jokes)
What did the fisherman say to the magician? Pick a cod, any cod.
Card Again (Europe: United Kingdom)
"Hold it! The Ace of Spades has already been played! Let's see that Cardigan!"
Card If (Europe: United Kingdom)
I'll only take a Cardiff I know it will give me better than three of a kind.
Cardiac (Anatomy)
Chatter during open-heart surgery is cardiyakking.
Cardinal (Football)
Greed, sloth, gluttony and disliking pun tests are all considered Cardinal sins.
Cardinal Sin (Book Titles: Good)
Ecclesiastical Infractions: Cardinal Sin
Care [parcel] (Tom Swifties)
"I've grown fat on the contents of charity packages," said Tom carefully.
Care a Lot (Book Titles)
Feelings: Cara LottJG
Care Less (Tom Swifties)
"Why do you bother? I for one couldn't...," said Tom carelessly.
Career (Asia: Korea)
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
Caries [dental] (Tom Swifties)
"I like this drill," said Tom as he carie'd out the dental work.
Caring (Names)
She's the most loving, gentle, Karen person I know.
Carmel (USA)
Those in California with a sweet tooth often go to Carmel.
Carnation (Plants)
If I were to die and come back as a flower, would I be a reincarnation?
Carnivore (Book Titles)
Meat Eaters: Carney VoreJG
Carp Pal (Anatomy)
"Ask Al if he caught any of those fish." "Caught any carpal?"
Carpet (One-Liners)
If you take your dog for a drive, it will turn into a rug because it's a carpet.
Carrion (Misc)
Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
Carrot (Measures)
A reasonable unit to use for weighing vegetables should be the carat.
Carry On (Book Titles: Good)
Don't Let Me Stop You: Kerry OnnA
Cartoon (Africa)
Where to go in Africa to see "Tom and Jerry": Khartoum.
Cartoons (One-Liners)
I always get animated when I listen to musical pieces in the car, because they're car-tunes.
Case He Needs It (Book Titles)
Boy Scout's Handbook: Casey NeedzitJG
Cash is Better (Book Titles)
We Take Credit Cards, But...: Cassius BetterI
Cashmere (One-Liners)
Shops that sell fine woolens are good at turning mere cash into cashmere. Especially in Kashmir.
Casper (USA)
"If dogs bark and sheep bleat, what do cats do?" "Casper."
Cast (Jokes)
Why do people in a play say "Break a leg"? Because they're part of a cast.
A doctor broke his leg while auditioning for a play. Luckily he was still able to make the cast.
Cast a Net (Music)
Castanet: A fisherman's favourite musical instrument.
Castor (Astronomy)
What astronomers take Castor oil as a cure-all.
Casual [work] (Tom Swifties)
"I don't work here on a regular basis," said Tom casually.
Casualty (One-Liners)
People in the armed forces prefer formal tea over casual tea.
Cat (Mathematics)
The French number that catches mice is quatre.
Cat on a Hot Tin Roof (One-Liners)
The first draft of Tennessee Williams' play about a dysfunctional family featured a squabble over a Japanese sword and was called "Katana Hot Tin Roof".
Cat Skills (USA)
Purring, catching mice and meowing are all considered Catskills.
Catalog (Jokes)
How does a farmer shop for new cows? With a cattleog.
Catch and Release (Two-Liners)
Catch and release works well for fishermen. Too bad it doesn't work for viruses and the like.
Catch It (Christmas)
"Sir, the horse broke loose from the stable!" "Don't just stand there! Cratchit!"
Catcher (Baseball)
"The Kissing Bandit is on the field! She's heading for home plate!" "Well, catcher!"
Caught (Meat)
Fred tried to shoplift a fish, but was cod red-handed.
Cauliflower (Hot Cross Puns)
What do you get when you cross a dog with a daisy? A collie-flower.
Cause Most (Astronomy)
In photographic astronomy, the presence of the Moon will cosmos of the problems.
Cavity [dental caries] (Dentist)
When dentists go through airports, do they have to submit to cavity searches?
CD (Compact Disc) (Chemistry: Elements)
Did you hear about the heavy-metal band Cadmium? They've just released a new Cd at the Neon, you know the seedy club downtown.
Cell (Jokes)
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
Cellophane (Music)
How does a musician keep her instrument dry? She wraps it in cello-phane.
Centre (Anatomy)
Why is your nose in the middle of your face? Because it's the scenter.
For the Halloween party, I dressed as a half-man, half-horse so that I would be the centaur of attention. Why is the nose in the middle of your face? Because it's the scenter.
Centrifuge (Jokes)
What is a centrifuge? A place where people hide from a bad smell.
A perfume-free merry-go-round is a scent-refuge.
Cerebellum (Book Titles)
Brane Surjery Maid Simpel: Sarah BellumJG
Cerebral (Tom Swifties)
"I'm afraid you've had a stroke," said Tom cerebrally.
Cert Sea (Europe)
If the makers of Certs wanted to name a body of water, they'd call it the Surtsey.
Cesspool (Book Titles: Good)
Joys of Septic Tanks: Seth PooleJG
Chafing Dish (Book Titles)
Obscure Cooking Aids: Che FingdishJG
Chance (One-Liners)
I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk, but I never got the chants.
Chandelier (Book Titles)
Fancy Light Fixtures: Sean D'Olierv
Electricians are musical. Who else put Handel in chandelier?
Chanel (Physical)
The preferred perfume of oceanographers is Channel No. 5.
Change (Jokes)
Why did the traffic light turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Changed (Expressions)
I wasn't going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
I was addicted to eating money, but I've changed.
Changing of the Guard (Two-Liners)
For Halloween, I will put on a military uniform and march around the yard swapping pumpkins. I call it the Changing of the Gourd.
Char Ming (Tom Swifties)
"All ancient Chinese artifacts should be burned," said Tom charmingly.
Characteristic (Tom Swifties)
"I don't need the mantissa of the logarithm," said Tom characteristically.
Charge Ya (USA)
That place is expensive! They'll Georgia arm and a leg!
Chargers (Football)
A latter-day Light Brigade might be formed from the Chargers.
Charismatic (Book Titles)
Handsome, Charming, and... : Cary SmatticJG
Charlie Horse (Book Titles)
Equine Leg Cramps: Charlie Horse
Charred (Vegetables)
My barbecue is a Philosopher's Stone of food. Meat gets turned into a vegetable: chard.
Chased Eyes (Tom Swifties)
"It's not polite to look directly at a man," Mary chastised.
Chaser (Beverages)
I will create another new mixed drink and call it "Bloodhound" because it will be a chaser.
Chasing Rainbows (Book Titles)
Not Bogged Down In Reality: Jason RainbowsJG
Cheap (Animals)
Here, wool isn't expensive, it's sheep.
Cheater (Animals)
An animal which doesn't play by the rules is a cheetah.
Check (Europe: Eastern)
Robert keeps going on and on about his vacation to Prague. I wish that he would keep his enthusiasm in Czech."
Check [chess term] (One-Liners)
My career as a chess grandmaster was kept in check by my incompetence.
Check One Two (Two-Liners)
I have a Polish friend who's a sound engineer. I have a Czech one too.
Checked Out [books from library] (Expressions)
When librarians go into singles bars, do they get checked out?
Cheddar (Cheeses)
When a pet loses a lot of hair, it becomes a cheese: cheddar.
Cheer (Tom Swifties)
"Hurray for our team!" said Tom cheerfully.
Cheer [laundry detergent] (Tom Swifties)
"I've run out of laundry detergent," said Tom cheerlessly.
Chemis-tree (Chemistry)
On this tree the chemists grow: Chemistry.
Cheque/check (Misc)
"Why did you give me this paper with a plaid design?" "You told me to write you a check!"
Chess Player (Book Titles)
I Beat Bobby Fischer: Jess PlayerJG
Chesterfield (Book Titles: Good)
Sofa So Good: Chester Field
Chestnuts Roasting in an Open Fire (Music)
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
Chevrolet (One-Liners)
The car that cures heartburn is a Chevrolaid.
Chewed (Dentist)
Training is rough in dentist school. You'll get chewed out for missing drill practice.
Chewed out (Cannibals)
Don't get your boss angry if s/he is a cannibal. You might get chewed out.
Chewy [Chewbacca] (Jokes)
"Dad, what's for dinner?" "Wookiee steaks." "Are they good?" "Well, they are a little Chewy."
Chili (Prepared)
What food is served hot, yet is always cold? Chili.
Chill Out (Book Titles)
Party On, Dude: Jill OutJG
Chilly (South America)
Argentina is a bit cold this time of year. It's borderline Chile.
Chime (Tom Swifties)
"It's twelve noon," Tom chimed in.
Chimpanzee (Book Titles)
The Monkey Cage: Jim PanzeeJG
The flower preferred by Jane Goodall is the chimp pansy.
China (Asia: China)
Geographers prefer to eat on fine China.
Chin-Chilla (Redefinitions)
Chinchilla: What you get when you eat ice cream too messily.
Chip (Names)
What to call a sculptor and carver: Chip.
Chip [computer] (Tom Swifties)
"You could try changing the layout of this microprocessor," Tom chipped in.
Chip [golf] (Tom Swifties)
"That gives me a birdie for this hole," Tom chipped in.
Chip In (Golf)
How do golfers contribute to sports pools? They chip in.
Choke [car] (Tom Swifties)
"I've got to stop this motor," Tom choked.
Chokes (Baseball)
Unfortunately there is no mass Heimlich maneuver to give a ball team when it chokes.
Choo Choo (Jokes)
What kind of train eats too much? A chew-chew train.
Chris (Tom Swifties)
"Please, Christopher," said Tom crisply.
Chris Mess (Christmas)
Chronically an untidy person, in December Chris was always called "Christmas".
Christian Bail (Jokes)
What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.
Christmas (Christmas)
A holiday-season test could be called a Quizmas.
Christmas Eve (Jokes)
What did Adam say on December 24th? "It's Christmas, Eve!"
Chuck Roast [cut of beef] (Book Titles)
What's For Dinner?: Chuck RoastJG
Chum [salmon] (Meat)
Do members of The Brotherhood of Salmon refer to themselves as Chums?
Ciao (Animals)
What's an Italian's favourite breed of dog? Chow.
Cinco de Mayo [Mexican national holiday] (Expressions)
A ship carrying a cargo of mayonnaise sank off the Gulf Coast of Mexico on May 5th one year. Now the date is remembered as the Cinco de Mayo.
Cinnamon Roll (Jokes)
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast? A synonym roll.
Circulation (One-Liners)
The magazine about ceiling fans went out of business due to low circulation.
Circumference (Book Titles)
Circle Perimeter: Sir Cumferenceh
Cirrhosis of the Liver (Book Titles)
The Effects of Alcohol: Sir Osis of Liver
Civil (Europe: Iberia)
The Spanish Seville War was a nasty affair.
Civil War (Book Titles: Good)
Sectarian Conflicts: Sybil War
Claim (Tom Swifties)
"That's my gold mine!" Tom claimed.
Clairvoyant (Book Titles)
I Read You Like A Book: Claire VoyantJG
Clam (Tom Swifties)
"Another plate of steamers all around!" Tom clamoured.
Clan [Ku Klux] (Tom Swifties)
"Help me set fire to this cross," said Tom clannishly.
Clan Destiny (Tom Swifties)
"My family has a great future," said Tom clandestinely.
Clarify (Book Titles)
Explaining it Better: Clara Fie
Clarinet (Book Titles: Good)
Back Row of The Orchestra: Clara NettJG
Class (Jokes)
Guidance Counselor: What classes are you struggling with? Student: Bourgeoisie 101. I can't get decent Marx in it.
"I'm going back to school soon," said Tom with class.
Classified (Jokes)
"Can you tell me about your advertisement?" "Sorry, it's classified."
Classless (One-Liners)
You are so classless that you could be a Marxist utopia.
Claustrophobia (Christmas)
Is the fear of Santa called Claustrophobia?
Clawed (Names)
A good name for a pet lobster is Claude.
Clawed Sofa (Book Titles)
Destructive Cats: Claude Sofa
Clawed Ya (Names)
"Why did the cat scratch me?" "She Claudia because you trod on her tail."
Clawed Your Arm off (Book Titles: Good)
The Lion Attacked: Claudia Armoff
Claws (Christmas)
"Bad kitty! Don't sharpen your claus on Santa's leg!"
Clay Pots (Book Titles: Good)
House Plants: Clay PottsJG
Clean (Two-Liners)
I used to be addicted to soap. I'm clean now.
Clear (Tom Swifties)
"I was completely exonerated," said Tom clearly.
Clear the Table (Two-Liners)
After dinner, my wife asked me to clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.
Clementine (Music)
Shellfish in the Old West used to sing "My Darling Clamentine".
Cliff diver (Book Titles)
Shaky Knees: Cliff DiverJG
Climb Act (Tom Swifties)
"In my next film I play the part of Sir Edmund Hillary," said Tom climactically.
Clipper (One-Liners)
The favourite ships of barbers and hairstylists are clippers.
Clodhopper (Book Titles: Good)
Shoes For Farm And Ranch: Claude HopperJG
Clog Dance (Two-Liners)
Even plumbers are getting into "alternative therapies". To clear blocked sinks or toilets, an "alternative" plumber will don wooden shoes and dance a two-minute jig around the offending item, which will then miraculously start to work again. They call it the "clog dance".
Close (Clothing)
"Whew! I just escaped from the rioting crowd of garment workers!" "I guess you had a clothes call!"
Close It (Jokes)
What do you do to an open wardrobe? You closet.
Close, but no Cigar (Music)
If a musician doesn't quite get the win, do they say "Close, but no Seger"?
Closed (One-Liners)
When the strip club isn't open their sign reads 'Sorry, we're clothed'.
Cloud (Meteorology)
Past participle of "to clow": Cloud.
Club Sandwich (Golf)
I put a putter between two slices of bread and got a club sandwich!
Cluck (Tom Swifties)
"My job is to lead the audience's applause," Tom clucked.
Cluelessly (Tom Swifties)
"I don't know who stole my murder mystery board game," said Tom cluelessly.OK
Clutch (Cars)
Mechanics don't grab, they clutch.
Coach (Two-Liners)
People who work for passenger bus and train companies should be great at sports. Look at all the coaches they have to work with!
Coach [railway] (Tom Swifties)
"Pretend we were in the days before railways," Tom coached.
Coal Miner (Book Titles: Good)
Sixteen Tons: Cole Minor
Coaled (Geology)
Using "cold" as the incorrect past participle of "to coal" will get a frigid response.
Coat (Football)
The best way to win at football in Indianapolis is to wear an over-Colt.
Coat And (Mathematics)
When the mathematician went out into the cold, she put on her cotan hat.
Coaxial (Animals)
Do ducks hook up TVs with quaxial cables?
Cobbler (Cannibals)
Is cobbler the preferred dessert at the Cannibal Shoe and Bootmaker's Convention?
Cobblestones (Asia: South)
Are the streets of the capital of Afghanistan paved with Kabul-stones? Are they able to watch Kabul TV?
Co-bra (Animals)
A special snake-themed brassiere for conjoined twin women could be called a cobra.
Cocaine (Animals)
The preferred drug of frogs is croakaine.
Cock [rooster] (Tom Swifties)
"Roosters should be banned," clucked Tom cockily.
Coil (Tom Swifties)
"I hate climbing this winding staircase," said Tom coyly.
Coincidence (Book Titles)
Chance Encounter at the Ball: Quincy Dance
Cokes (Tom Swifties)
"Have another soft drink," Tom coaxed.
Cold (Chemistry: Elements)
The weather in Antarctica is quite gold.
Collect (Tom Swifties)
"We're philatelists," they shouted collectively.
Collect Himself [expression] (One-Liners)
When the shocked IRS agent was convicted of tax evasion, he had to take time to collect himself.
Collecting Dust (Jokes)
Why did the man sell his vacuum cleaner? Because it was just collecting dust.
Collection (Two-Liners)
"Lignite, bituminous and anthracite? Wow, what a coallection!"
Colon (Anatomy)
The punctuation mark most often found in medical texts is the colon.
Color (USA)
To which American state do crayons go for a vacation? Color-ado.
Columbus (Book Titles)
Boring Midwestern Cities: Cole LumbusJG
Com Piler (Computers)
A person who stacks coms is a compiler.
Comb Place (Tom Swifties)
"I'm putting this hair styler back where it belongs," said Tom complacently.
Combing (Two-Liners)
The local hairdresser got robbed. The police are combing the area.
Combing [hair] (Expressions)
News Flash! 100 hares escape from the zoo! Police are combing the area.
Combing the Area (Expressions)
There was a burglary at the wig shop. Police are combing the area.
Come All (Christmas)
The Christmas carol most often heard in the deserts is O Camel Ye Faithful.
Come and Get It (Book Titles)
Dinner's Ready!: Carmen GettitA
Come Forth (Two-Liners)
And the Lord said unto John: ‘Come forth and you will receive eternal life’. But John came fifth, and won a toaster.
Come Free (Two-Liners)
Welcome to the herb exhibition! Admission is $5, but kids can comfrey!
Come What (Fruits)
Our love will last forever, kumquat may.
Comeback (One-Liners)
The Boomerang Champ had a mid-season slump, but eventually made a comeback and won again.
Comic Strip (One-Liners)
Would a picture of a clown removing his/her clothes be a comic strip?
Coming Down With (Expressions)
Why did the elevator call in sick? It thought it was coming down with something.
Commander-in-Chief (Cannibals)
The head of the cannibal tribe's "army" was seen going into the Chief's hut for a meeting. He then left in a hurry, ran off into the forest and was never seen again. Apparently he was told that he was going to become the Commander-in-Chief.
Commentator (Vegetables)
Regular potatoes are great for calling sports games because they're common-taters.
Commies (Tom Swifties)
"I'm a Soviet military official," Tom commiserated.
Commit a Crime (Book Titles: Good)
Breaking the Law: Kermit A. Krime
Communication (One-Liners)
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly, because communication is key.
Company (Two-Liners)
Corporate raiders are a little too friendly. They want to keep you company.
Complex (Two-Liners)
I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings. It's a complex complex complex.
Con [Quaa] ludes (Tom Swifties)
"This is a really strong drug," Tom concluded.
Con Cord (USA)
The Great Rope Swindle soon became known as the Concord.
Con Descend (Tom Swifties)
"The prisoner escaped by climbing down a rope," said Tom condescendingly.
Con Door (Birds)
The great door swindle was called the condor.
Con Fest (Tom Swifties)
"I organized that big party for the prisoners," Tom confessed.
Con Firm (Tom Swifties)
"The prisoners set up a corporation," the warden confirmed.
Con Scent (Tom Swifties)
"All right, I will allow the prisoners to wear perfume," the warden consented.
Con Script (Military)
The fake TV show script was meant to fool people, so it was called the conscript.
Con Seat (Tom Swifties)
"Okay, you can switch on the electric chair now," said Tom conceitedly.
Con Sid (Tom Swifties)
"Now how can I trick Sidney?" Tom considered.
Con Sole (Tom Swifties)
"Don't worry, I'll take full responsibility for providing the prisoner with getaway footwear," said Tom consolingly.
Con Tempt (Tom Swifties)
"Hey, what's it worth if I can help you to escape from prison?" asked Tom contemptuously.
Con Tent (Tom Swifties)
"The escaped prisoner is camping out in the woods," said Tom contentedly.
Conan the Barbarian (Jokes)
Once there was a girl named Anne who buried a bar of soap every time she got an ice cream cone. She was called Cone-Anne the Bar-Bury-Anne.
Conceivable (Misc)
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Concentration (Tom Swifties)
"MY frozen orange juice requires you to add SIX cans of water," said Tom with great concentration.
Concession (One-Liners)
When negotiators go to the fair, do they avoid the concession stands?
Condescending (Jokes)
What do you call a snobby criminal going downstairs? A condescending con descending.
Conditioning (Jokes)
How did Pavlov keep his hair so nice? He conditioned it.
Conduct (Jokes)
Why does lightning shock people? Because it doesn't know how to conduct itself.
Conductor (Music)
"I was struck by lightning and lived!" "I always knew you were a terrible conductor."
Confusion (Book Titles)
Nuclear Power Bafflement: Ken FusionJG
Connie's Toga (Book Titles)
The Sheet She Wore to the Party: Connie StogaJG
Conquered (Tom Swifties)
"I came, I saw," Tom concurred.
Consecutive Sentences (Jokes)
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws? It was given two consecutive sentences.
Consider Eight (Tom Swifties)
"We're currently thinking about a figure somewhere between 7 and 9," said Tom considerately.
Contact [lenses] (One-Liners)
My phone has to wear glasses ever since it lost its contacts.
Continent (1) (Physical)
Geographer babies need diapers because they're in-continent.
Continent (2) (Tom Swifties)
"I favour self-restraint everywhere in North America," said Tom continently.
Continuous (Tom Swifties)
"All I ever do is milk this damn cow," Tom uttered continuously.
Contra verse (Tom Swifties)
"I'm writing a poem about the rebels in Nicaragua," said Tom controversially.
Contractions (Misc)
A woman in the late stages of her pregnancy suddenly started shouting "Can't! Won't! Shouldn't!" Her husband rushed into the room and said "I hear that the contractions have started."
Convenient (Two-Liners)
Someone asked me the most convenient time for them to contact me, and I said "7:11".
Conviction (Tom Swifties)
"I find you guilty!" said the judge with conviction.
Convictions (Meteorology)
"He really believes his theories on severe thunderstorms." "Yes, he is a man of strong convections."
Cool (Beverages)
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
Coolee (Tom Swifties)
"I feel like a Chinese labourer," said Tom coolly.
Cop ascetic (Tom Swifties)
"I deal with things by abstaining," said Tom copacetically.
Copacabana [song] (Music)
Apparently there is a Russian resort on the Black Sea which offers cabanas for only 10 kopeks a night. When I heard about it, I wanted to write a song called "Kopek Cabana".
Copper Night-Rate (Chemistry: Elements)
Overtime for British policemen: Copper nitrate.
Copper Wire (Hot Cross Puns)
What do you get when you cross a policeman with a telegram? Copper wire.
Coral (Music)
Beethoven's 9th Symphony as heard on the Great Barrier Reef: The "choral".
Cord (Mathematics)
Geometers don't use rope, they use chords.
Cordial (Tom Swifties)
"Have some Grenadine," said Tom cordially.
Cork (Europe: Ireland)
The Irish city of Cork is really "into" making wine bottles.
Corn (Tom Swifties)
"The size of those cobs is a-maize-ing!" was Tom's corny joke.
Corn Wall (Europe: United Kingdom)
When one makes a barrier from sacks of corn, one makes a Cornwall.
Cornell (Book Titles)
New York Universities: Cora Nelll
Cornier (Anatomy)
These eyeball jokes don't get better, they just get cornea.
Co-rob (Tom Swifties)
"It's better to steal things together," Tom corroborated.
Corporal (Military)
Corporal punishment was outlawed in schools years ago.
Corporal Punishment (Book Titles)
Flogging in the Army: Corporal Punishment
Corsetoff (Book Titles)
Pressure Relief: Korsetsovp
Cosign (Mathematics)
The mathematician needed a friend to cosine his loan application.
Cost (Tom Swifties)
"That's price-fixing!" said Tom caustically.
Cost Us Plenty (Book Titles: Good)
That Night in the Ritzy Hotel: Costas Plenty
Coughing (Vampires)
When Dracula had a bad cold, why couldn't his wife get to sleep? Because of his coffin.
Count On (Expressions)
Your fingers are reliable. You can always count on them!
Count On Me (Expressions)
I got a tattoo of an abacus on my arm so that people could count on me.
Countdown (One-Liners)
Do we name an enumeration of feathers a countdown?
Counter (Tom Swifties)
"We could use the Geiger-Muller method to check for radiation leaks," Tom countered.
Counter Culture (Redefinitions)
What you get when you put a Petri dish on the kitchen counter.
Counter Productive (Tom Swifties)
"I manufacture those tabletops that separate store clerks from their customers," said Tom counterproductively.
Counterfeiters (One-Liners)
People who install kitchens are into fake money because they're counter-fitters.
Counter-Tenor (Music)
What kind of singer is a man who counts to ten? A Counter-Tenner.
Counts (Expressions)
In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
Math: the only subject that counts.
Coup (Tom Swifties)
"We've taken over the government," the general cooed.
Coupon (One-Liners)
If you want to buy chicken housing at a discount, can you use coop-ons?
Course (Sports)
Can Ronald Reagan eat a tennis ball? Of courts he can't.
Course [golf] (Tom Swifties)
"I know where to play golf," said Tom coarsely.
Course He Can (Europe: France)
Can a general become world-famous? Of Corsican.
Course He Can't (Mathematics)
Can a Humphrey Bogart turn into a banana? Of cosecant.
Cover (Expressions)
My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.
Cowboys (Football)
If any football team will give you a bum steer, it is this one: Cowboys
Cowed (Tom Swifties)
"Those cattle are threatening me," said a cowed Tom.OK
Cow-loon (Asia: China)
If you're in Hong Kong and cross a bull with a waterfowl, would you get a Kowloon?
Crab (Tom Swifties)
"I hate shellfish," said Tom crabbily.
Crack (Jokes)
What did the painter say to the wall? "One more crack and I'll plaster you!"
What is the preferred mind-altering substance of trades people? Plumber's crack.
Crack of Dawn (Expressions)
Which dinosaur gets up the earliest? The Crackodon.
Crack Up (Jokes)
Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke? Because it might crack up.
Cracked Toe (Asia: Southeast)
A broken foot appendage: Krakatoa.
Cracker (Cannibals)
In the US Deep South, do cannibals eat their soup with crackers?
Craft (Tom Swifties)
"Pottery and weaving can have interesting uses," said Tom craftily.
Crank (Tom Swifties)
"How do you start a model-T Ford without a battery?" asked Tom crankily.
Crash (1) (Book Titles: Good)
Measles Collision!: Kay Rash
Crash (2) (Cars)
I need to learn how to drive by next week. Where can I get a crash course in driver training?
Crate (Animals)
The best container for a snake is a krait.
Crater (Astronomy)
An astronomy grad student who packs things in boxes: Crater.
Craze (Computers)
A new fad or wild fashion in programming is called a Crays.
Crazy (Tom Swifties)
"I love supercomputers!" giggled Tom Crayzily.
Creak (Physical)
The geographer's floor squeaks and creeks.
Cream of Wheat (Book Titles)
The LA Lakers' Breakfast: Kareem O'WheatJG
Crease (Hockey)
A goalie is a sharp dresser if he a has nice crease in his trousers.
Cree ate (Tom Swifties)
"I have a theory about how certain North American First Nations maintained their energy levels through the winter," said Tom creatively.
Creeps (One-Liners)
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
Creepy Crawlies (Prepared)
Thin pancakes formed in the shape of bugs are crepe crawlies.
Crest [brand of toothpaste] (Tom Swifties)
"I dropped the toothpaste," said Tom, crestfallen.
Crete (Europe: Balkans)
The "Greek Cement Swindle" soon became known as the "con-Crete".
Cried Out (Tom Swifties)
"Strike three!" Tom, the baseball umpire, cried out.
Crime Fighters (Two-Liners)
I don't understand why DC and Marvel haven't licensed superhero house-cleaning products. After all, they are grime fighters.
Crisco [a brand of shortening] (Book Titles)
The Greasy Spoon: Chris CoeJG
Crisp Rat (Book Titles: Good)
Fried Rodents: Chris Pratt
Crispy Bacon (Book Titles)
Perfect Cooking: Chris P. BaconA
Criticizing (Two-Liners)
I was tossed out of my local park for arranging squirrels by height. They didn't like my critter sizing.
Croak (Tom Swifties)
"I'm dying," Tom croaked.
Croc(odile) (Jokes)
What's the best way to cook an alligator? In a crock pot.
Crocodile (Jokes)
What do you call a thieving alligator? A crook-odile.
Crocus (Plants)
The caw of an angry crow is like a flower: a crow-cuss.
Crokinole (Animals)
The preferred table game of frogs is croakinole.
Crook (One-Liners)
Shepherds could be master criminals, since they work with crooks every day.
Crooks (Astronomy)
Embezzling astophysicists are a bunch of Crux.
Crop (One-Liners)
I wonder if farmers crop their photographs?
Croquet (Animals)
Do frogs and toads play croak-et?
Cross (1) (Hot Cross Puns)
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic? Half way.
Cross (2) (Tom Swifties)
"Argh! Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do!" said Jesus crossly.
Crow (Tom Swifties)
"I've spotted more blackbirds than you have," Tom crowed.
Crow Ate Ya (Europe: Balkans)
If a crow were to eat me, would you say to me "A Croatia"?
Crown (Dentist)
The winner of the Dentist Games will get a crown.
Crude (Tom Swifties)
"@#$%*! I've struck oil," said Tom crudely.
Crust (Tom Swifties)
"I hate pies with crumb bases," said Tom crustily.
Cry Me A (Europe: Russia)
Sarcastic reaction to a sob story: "Crimea river!"
Cry On (Two-Liners)
Whenever my girlfriend is sad, I let her draw things on my body. I gave her a shoulder to crayon.
Crypt On (Chemistry: Elements)
Chemists who design graveyards often put the krypton the right side.
Cryptic (Tom Swifties)
"Destroy this Temple and within three days I will raise it up," said Jesus cryptically.
Cryptically (Tom Swifties)
"This has been a grave undertaking," said Tom cryptically.
Crystal (Book Titles)
Mineralogy for Giants: Chris Tall
Crystal Ball (Book Titles)
Foretelling the Future of Formal Dances: Crystal Ball
A Fortune-Teller's Disaster: Christobal Broken
Cube It (Mathematics)
To multiply something by itself three times: Cubit.
Cube Of (North America)
I'd like a Cuba sugar for my coffee, please.
Cuckold (Tom Swifties)
"My wife is cheating on me," Tom cackled.
Cucumber (Book Titles)
Long, Green Vegetables, Vol 1: Q. Cumber
What vegetable helps you to play snooker? A pool cucumber.
Cup Of (Greek Letters)
Gimme a kappa coffee.
Cupid (Book Titles)
Find Another Lonely Heart: Q. PidA
Cure (One-Liners)
Is concrete sick before it's cured?
Cure Rating (One-Liners)
Doctors and museums have one thing in common: they are judged on their curating.
Cure them (Chemistry: Elements)
What chemical doctors do to diseases: Curium.
Curr Chief (Clothing)
When Frankie Curr became the head of the clan, he assumed the title of "kerchief".
Currants (Jokes)
Where does a jellyfish get its jelly? From ocean currents.
Currier and Ives (Book Titles: Good)
Vegetable Paintings: Currier Endives
Paintings of people delivering vegetables would be made by Currier EndIves.
Curse (Asia)
The witch's evil Kursk made it impossible to pass Geography.
Cursed and Swore (Book Titles: Good)
I Used Bad Language: Kirsten Swore
Curser (Computers)
A swearing programmer can be called a cursor.
Cursor (Tom Swifties)
"So THAT's where the next character is going to appear," said Tom after a cursory glance.
Curt (Tom Swifties)
"This is as vile as the Threepenny Opera," said Tom curtly.
Curt Reply (Book Titles)
No: Kurt ReplyJG
Curtain Rod (Book Titles)
Interior Decorating: Curt EnrodJG
Cut (Tom Swifties)
"I'm the butcher's helper," said Tom cuttingly.
Cy Clone (Meteorology)
When Cy had a duplicate made of himself, it was called the cyclone.
Cycling (Book Titles)
Exercise on Wheels: Cy Kling
Cymbal (Tom Swifties)
"I love percussion instruments," said Tom symbolically.
Cypress (Europe)
The Cyprus tree can be found in the swamps of Florida.

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