Pun Dictionary: TU Entries

Tack Full (Tom Swifties)
"Please don't sneeze with your mouth full," said the carpenter's assistant tactfully.
Tackle (Sports)
Fishing gear used to play football: Tackle.
Tactical (Redefinitions)
How to make a tack laugh.
Tadpole (Book Titles)
Little Bitty Froggies: Tad Pole JG
Tae Kwon-do (Jokes)
What do martial artists use to make bread? Tae Kwan-dough.
Tahi Tea (Geography)
This is not Earl Grey tea, it's Tahiti.
Tail or Head (Book Titles)
Coin Tossing: Taylor Hedd JG
Taint (Misc)
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
Take a Shower (Expressions)
Kleptomaniacs were banned from the bathroom because they kept taking showers.
Take Things Literally (Expressions)
Kleptomaniacs take things literally.
Taken Aback (Cannibals)
If a kleptomaniac cannibal gets surprised, does that mean he's taken aback?
Tam Rack (Trees/Shrubs)
I hang my tams on the tamarack.
Tamper (Geography)
It is a crime to Tampa with someone else's computer files.
Tan Gent (Mathematics)
A (male) mathematician turned brown in the sun: Tangent.
Tan Jeer (Geography)
"Haw! Is that a suntan or did you fall in the mud?" This nasty comment could be called a Tangier.
Tan Your Hide (Book Titles)
Preparing Leather: Tanya Hyde JG
Tangerine (One-Liners)
The grumpiest fruit is the t-anger-ine.
Tank (Military)
Monogrammed grenades, for me? Tank you very much!
Tap (Jokes)
What do you give a person with water on the brain? A tap on the head.
Tapas (Food)
People who consume tapas are indulging in a little S&M. After all, isn't spanking a form of tap-ass?
Taps (Food)
Can you buy tapas from a plumbing supplies shop? If I were a plumber with a trumpet, would I play Taps on it?
Tart [prostitute] (Tom Swifties)
"I don't HAVE to do this for a living," said Mary tartly. "It's a business to do pleasure with you."
Tass Mania (Geography)
The Geography Pun Test craze that hit the Soviet TASS reporters was called Tasmania.
Taste Funny [strange] (Cannibals)
Would a clown taste funny to a cannibal?
Taste of (Cannibals)
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
Tasteless (Cannibals)
Cannibals won't eat [name of comedian] because of his/her tasteless jokes.
Tea (Golf)
Something to drink while golfing: Tee.
Tea More (Geography)
"You haven't invited me to tea for a month!" "I really should invite you to Timor often."
Tear Aid (Tom Swifties)
"You should be peeling onions," was Tom's tirade. (Pronounce "tirade" with the "i" short.)
Tears (Jokes)
I went to a really emotional wedding the other day. Even the cake was in tiers. Just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Teller [bank] (Tom Swifties)
"I work at a bank," said Tom tellingly.
Temper [music] (Tom Swifties)
"Sometimes I prefer 'just intonation'; sometimes I prefer Pythagorean tuning," said Tom temperamentally.
Temperance (Toronto)
The best place to be in a downpour is Temperance St., because it is always dry.
Ten (Chemistry)
The element that comes after nine: Tin.
Ten Done (Anatomy)
In order to get problem tendon, you must do problem nine.
Ten Is (Sports)
If we can't get twelve or eleven, tennis as good as any.
Tender [as make an offer for a contract] (Tom Swifties)
"My bid for this contract aims to please," said Tom tenderly.
Tennis Court (Book Titles)
Racketeering: Dennis Court
Tennis See (Geography)
"I play Tennessee, not dangerous sports like badminton."
Tens (Tom Swifties)
"You gave me two less than a dozen," said Tom tensely.
Teriyaki (Book Titles)
Talkative Japanese: Terry Yaki
Terminal Illness (Redefinitions)
When you are sick at an airport (or train station, or bus station...).
Tern (Birds)
Motto of the Birdwatcher's Society: One good tern deserves another.
Terrible (Book Titles)
Bad Cow Jokes: Terry Bull 8 I know many jokes about toilet paper. They're all tearable.
Terrycloth (Book Titles)
You Wash, I'll Dry: Terry Cloth JG
Test (Tom Swifties)
"I flunked this lousy exam," said Tom testily.
Testimony (Book Titles)
Trial Law: Tess Temoni JG
Tex Has (Geography)
"Why is Tex so grouchy?" "Texas a big headache."
Texture (Book Titles)
Sandpapers of the West: Tex Ture l
Thar (Geography)
Upon spotting the (mythological) Indian Desert Whale, you are supposed to say "Thar she blows!"
That Girl (Book Titles)
Who is She?: Thad Gurl JG
That's a Wrap (Expressions)
When the last scene of the movie about N.W.A. was finished, did the director say "Thatís a rap!"?
The Awfulest Pun of All (Book Titles)
The World's Deadliest Joke: Theophilus Punoval JG
The Bait (One-Liners)
When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
The Car (Geography)
I want to drive Dakar to work today.
The Coat A (Geography)
"Do you want me to wash your jacket?" "Yes, give Dakota good cleaning, please."
The End is Near (Book Titles)
The World's Last Days: D. N. Izneer
The Fence (Hockey)
We had to put up defence to keep da kids out of our yard.
The Hoe (Geography)
To weed ta Geography garden, use Tahoe.
The Most (Astronomy)
This has to be Deimos boring astronomy lecture yet.
The Truth Shall Set you Free (Dentist)
Dentists who perform extractions get it backwards: instead of "The truth shall set you free," they set free the tooth.
Then Mark (Geography)
First mark all these Geography tests, Denmark the labs.
There is a Green (Book Titles)
It's Springtime!: Theresa Green JG
There's No Place Like Home (Expressions)
What would Dorothy say if she played baseball in Oz? "There's no plate like home!"
There's No Place Like Home for the Holidays (Christmas)
Always serve Eggs Benedict on a hubcap because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.
Thesaurus (Jokes)
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
They Ran (Geography)
"Officer, they smashed the windows, grabbed the jewels and then Tehran off!"
Thingamabob (Book Titles)
Whatchamacallit!: Thingum Bob
Thor Axe (Anatomy)
What the god Thor used to cut down trees: Thorax.
Thor Old (Geography)
"The god Thor is more than 1000 years old." "Boy, is Thorold!"
Thoughtless (Tom Swifties)
"I have no idea," said Tom thoughtlessly.
Three Strikes and You're Out (Baseball)
How does a baseball player escape from jail? Three strikes and he's out!
Throw It (Anatomy)
"Help! I'm holding a live grenade!" "Well, throat far away!"
Throw up Your Hands (Cannibals)
Did you hear about the cannibal who threw up his hands in frustration?
Thrown (Jokes)
What happens to deposed kings? They get throne away.
Thy Will Be Done (Expressions)
Some people think that John Donne had a hand in William Shakespeare's Sonnets. These people say their cause is holy, because "Thy Will be Donne".
Tie (Expressions)
Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Tie Bet (Geography)
Any wager made that a game will be a draw is a Tibet.
Tie Burr (Geography)
"We caught Mr. Burr here stealing our Geography texts." "Well, Tiber up until the police get here."
Tie Land (Geography)
The best country to buy men's neckwear is Thailand.
Tie One (Geography)
S & M Geography style: Don't tie two knots, just Taiwan.
Tie Tan (One-Liners)
If an astronomer's neckwear turns brown in the sun, does he call it a Titan?
Tie Your Own Shoelaces (Book Titles)
Do It Yourself: Tyrone Shoelaces JG
Tied (Astronomy)
Explaining the ocean's motion left many astronomers fit to be tide.
Tiger Is (Geography)
News today is from the zoo's big cat house where a Tigris still at large.
Tight As (Halifax)
"Is he sober?" "No, he's Titus a drum."
Tight as a Drum (Book Titles)
My Life on Skid Row: Titus A. Drum JG
Tighten (Astronomy)
I don't want NASA to Titan its budget again.
Tim Buck Too (Geography)
Fred and Tim are two horses. If Fred bucks, will Timbuktoo?
Timber (Book Titles)
Falling Trees: Tim Burr
Tim-brrr (Tom Swifties)
"It's cold, Timothy," said Tom with his distinctive timbre.
Time [magazine] Less (Tom Swifties)
"I only get Newsweek," said Tom timelessly.
Time Has Come (Expressions)
The next maker of a smart watch should include a comb in its box. It will be successful because it's an idea whose time has comb.
Time Will Tell (Expressions)
Why can't you tell secrets around a clock? Because time will tell!
Time-Consuming (Expressions)
I ate a clock the other day. It was time-consuming.
Tin Sell (Christmas)
What decoration does a metal peddler put on a Christmas tree! Tinsel.
Tire [automobile] Less (Tom Swifties)
"I can't find the spare," said Tom tirelessly.
Tired (1) (Cars)
People are exhausted after being run over because they got tired.
Tired (2) (Geography)
Exhausted people in Lebanon are Tyred out.
Tit (Tom Swifties)
"Take your hand from my blouse!" Mary tittered.
Title (Book Titles)
Ah, Thor!: Ty Till 7
To Be Continued (Book Titles)
Keep them in Suspense: Toby Continued
To Buy us a Pig (Book Titles)
Off To Market: Tobias A. Pigg
To Kill A (Food)
Famous novel by Harper Lee: Tequila Mockingbird.
To Lose (Geography)
Go on, take the Geography of France course. What have you got Toulouse?
To Peek At (Geography)
Topeka someone's test is considered cheating.
To Wales (Jokes)
How do you get two whales in a car? Start in England and drive west.
Toasty Toes (Jokes)
Which brand of chips keeps your feet warm? Tostitoes!
Toe Go (Geography)
"My big toe fell off and now it's lost! Where did my Togo?"
Tofu (Cannibals)
We have tofu. In cannibal country, they have toefood.
Tolled (Misc)
The truth may ring out like a bell, but it is seldom ever tolled.
Tolls (Geography)
"For Whom the Bell Atolls", a novel by Ernest Hemingway.
Tom [cat] (Tom Swifties)
"I wonder what sex that cat is," said Tom.
Tomahawk (Book Titles)
Battle Axes: Tom A. Hawk a
Tommy Gun (Book Titles)
Chicago Gangs Of The '30's: Tommy Gunn JG
Tongue (Geography)
Doctors in the South Seas use lots of Tonga depressors.
Tongue in the cheek (Tom Swifties)
"I've never heard of anilingus," said Tom, tongue in cheek.
Tongues Ten (Chemistry)
Chemists call ten tongues tungsten.
Tongue-Tied (Expressions)
For April Fool's Day, I was given neckwear with a picture of a tongue on it. I couldn't speak because I was tongue-tied.
Tons (Halifax)
Why is an elephant like a Halifax university? Because both weigh TUNS.
Too Long (Geography)
"Your Citroen will be ready next week." "No, that is Toulon to wait!"
Too Tense (Jokes)
"Doctor, doctor! Some days I think I'm a teepee, others I think I'm a wigwam! What do I do?" "Relax, you're two tents."
Too Tired (One-Liners)
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired. I was annoyed at being unable to sleep due to the horn honking, but was toot ired to do anything about it.
Tool Bar (One-Liners)
Do I have to go to a toolbar to get hammered?
Tooth and Nail (Dentist)
Dentists and manicurists can't get married, since they fight tooth and nail.
Tooth Fairy (Dentist)
To get to a dental convention on an island without an airport, the participants would have to get there on the Tooth Ferry.
Tooth Hurty (Dentist)
At what time do most people realize that they have to go to the dentist? Two-thirty.
Toothpicks (Dentist)
Dental X-Rays can clean your teeth because they're tooth-pics.
Tore Us (One-Liners)
Laughing too hard at doughnut jokes torus apart.
Torn a Doe (Meteorology)
Which of my deer pictures has he ripped? Oh, no! He's tornado!
Torus (Astronomy)
What astronomers call donut-shaped objects: Taurus.
Toss in the Towel (Book Titles)
A Boxing Cornerman's Story: Dawson DeTowel JG
Total Recall (Expressions)
My memory for smells is perfect - I have total reek-all.
Totally (Jokes)
Kid: "Dad, I can count my toes!" Dad: "Toe-tally!"
Tough Sentence (Jokes)
The tongue-twister champion was just arrested. A tough sentence is expected.
Tow (1) (Anatomy)
"What do you do if an elephant steps on your foot?" "Call a toe truck."
Tow (2) (Greek Letters)
When the Greek driver's car broke down, he called a tau truck.
Towed (Jokes)
What happens to illegally parked frogs? They get toad away.
Transcendental Meditation (Misc)
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Transmission (Cars)
Do ambulance mechanics wear gloves to prevent the transmission of infections to the engines?
Transparent (Tom Swifties)
"How do you like this negligee?" asked Mary transparently.
Trans-Parent (Tom Swifties)
"OK Mom, I'm going to hypnotize you now," said Tom transparently.
Traveling light (Expressions)
When the photon checked in at the hotel, the bellhop asked if he could take his bags. The photon said "No thanks, I'm traveling light."
Travesty (Book Titles)
I've Tasted Bad Beverages, But This Is a...: Travis Tea.
Tree (1) (Christmas)
Would selling out a male Christmas tree seedling be considered tree-son?
Tree (2) (Trees/Shrubs)
Sixteen minus thirteen equals tree.
Trench (Tom Swifties)
"This dugout is infested," said Tom trenchantly.
Trial (Expressions)
Do law firms soliciting clients offer a free trial?
Trick or Treat (Jokes)
What do birds say on Halloween? "Trick or tweet!"
Trifle / Try-Fling (Tom Swifties)
"I know what to do with stale cake," said Tom triflingly. (Or: "I'm testing this boomerang," said Tom triflingly.)
Trigonometry (Mathematics)
The study of tree branch angles is twigonometry.
Triple E (Geography)
The cattle ranch with a brand like EEE is the Tripoli Ranch.
Tri-Umph [sound you make] (Tom Swifties)
"I punched him in the stomach three times," said Tom triumphantly.
Trix Are for Kids (Book Titles)
Silly Rabbit: Trixie R. Forkids l
Trombone and Oboe (Book Titles)
Wind Instruments: Tom Bone and O. Bowe y
Trowel (Meteorology)
The weatherman puttered in his garden, using his trowal to dig out the weeds.
Truck (Geography)
Transporting things on the island of Truk comes naturally.
Truck You Lent (Tom Swifties)
"I've brought back the lorry I borrowed," said Tom truculently.
Trump it (Elephant)
Never play cards with an elephant. If you lead an ace, he'll want to trumpet.
Trunks (Cars)
Why is an elephant like a car? They both have trunks.
Truth (Anatomy)
"That's a lie!" "No, it's the tooth!" The judge told his dentist to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.
Tsunami (Book Titles)
The Big Wave: Sue Nami c
Tube Of (Music)
Comes in handy when cleaning the teeth: a tuba toothpaste.
Tummy Ache (Book Titles)
Banquet at McDonalds: Tommy Ayk JG
Tune This (Geography)
I don't know how to Tunis piano. I'll get a pro to do it.
Turban (Geography)
Sikh men are required by their religion to wear a Durban on their heads.
Turkey (Geography)
Do people in Istanbul eat Turkey sandwiches?
Turn (Geography)
One goes to Turin to change direction.
Turn On You (Expressions)
Beware of traitorous light switches - they will turn on you.
Turn Up (Food)
How do you find a vegetarian? Ask around, one will turnip.
Turned Into (Expressions)
A magician was walking down the street and turned into a grocery store.
Turnover (Food)
If a pastry factory is efficient, yet has trouble with employee retention, does that mean it has a high turnover rate?
Turns Out (Expressions)
I'm going to try on my reversible jacket. I want to see how it turns out.
Tutankhamun (Jokes)
An incoming trumpeter is like a Pharaoh: tootin' comin.
Tutti-Frutti (Book Titles)
The Chuck Berry Story: Judy Frudy JG
Twelve Months [in a year] (One-Liners)
The thief that stole a calendar got twelve months.
Two Tents (Tom Swifties)
"Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays I think I'm a wigwam; Tuesdays, Thursdays, and weekends I think I'm a teepee," said Tom too tensely.
Twosome (Geography)
When she left the threesome, it became a Tucson.
Type O Negative (Jokes)
What's an editor's blood type? Typo negative.
Typo [-graphical error] (Misc)
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
Tyrannosaurus (Geography)
What kind of dinosaur can you find in Iran? A Tehrannosaurus Rex. What kind of dinosaur can you find in Albania? A Tiranasaurus Rex.
Tyr-Ant (Tom Swifties)
"Why are so many of these Tom Swifties about insects?" asked the tyrant.
UCLA (One-Liners)
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
UFO (One-Liners)
A fake flying saucer is a U-eh-phony.
Uke Lid (Mathematics)
The top of a mathematician's ukelele is the Euclid.
Uke Rain (Geography)
A downpour of ukeleles could only occur in Ukraine.
Un-Account (Tom Swifties)
"The bank doesn't even want me as a depositor," said Tom unaccountably.
Un-Assume (Tom Swifties)
"Let me see if I can prove that," said Tom unassumingly.
Un-Bear (Tom Swifties)
"Get Smoky out of here!" said the warden unbearably. (Or is it: "There'll be no strippers in my town," said the sheriff unbareably?)
Un-Comfort (Tom Swifties)
"Alas, I am inconsolable!" said Tom uncomfortably.
Un-Conditioner (Tom Swifties)
"Have some shampoo," was Tom's unconditional offer.
Un-Con-Vince [con=convict] (Tom Swifties)
"I know you won't take my advice, Mr Van Gogh, but after cutting your ear off, I think you should go to jail," said Tom unconvincingly; "-- or perhaps sign yourself in to a home," he added noncommittally.
Under Pressure (Tom Swifties)
"I must put air in my tires," said Tom under pressure.OK
Under wraps (Jokes)
Why do mummies make excellent spies? They're good at keeping things under wraps.
Undercover (Jokes)
What does a spy do when he gets cold? He goes undercover.
Under-Hand (Tom Swifties)
"No, it didn't go up my sleeve," said Tom underhandedly.
Unexpected (Tom Swifties)
"I am your surprise guest!" said Tom unexpectedly.OK
Unfairly (Tom Swifties)
"Carnivals are noisy and useless," griped Tom unfairly.
Un-Fortune [cookie] (Tom Swifties)
"My cookie is empty," said Tom unfortunately.
Un-Grandma (Tom Swifties)
"No one got's to never go teasin' hisn's momma's momma with a feather," said Tom ungrammatically.
Un-Herring (Tom Swifties)
"I don't think I'll have the pickled fish today," said Tom unerringly.
Union (Food)
Ssh! It's time for the President's State of the onion speech!
Universe Tea (Toronto)
The favourite tea of astronomers who study the cosmos is University.
Unkind [not really a pun...] (Tom Swifties)
"You should never use a double negative, but it's okay this time," said Tom not unkindly.
Un-Person (Tom Swifties)
"But a totalitarian government could remove all trace of my ever having existed!" said Tom unpersonably.
Un-Seam (Tom Swifties)
"Oops, I've ripped my pants!" was Tom's unseemly comment.
Unspeakable (One-Liners)
Do psychopathic mimes commit unspeakable crimes?
Un-Steady [boyfriend] (Tom Swifties)
"I want to date other women," said Tom unsteadily.
Un-Waiver (Tom Swifties)
"No, I won't give you a note saying your excused," said Tom unwaveringly.
Up [in elevator] (Tom Swifties)
"Please get in the elevator," said Tom uppishly.
Up in the Air (Jokes)
Why are meteorologists always nervous? Their future is always up in the air.
Upheld (Tom Swifties)
"The roof is about to collapse," Tom upheld.
Up-Roar [of lion] (Tom Swifties)
"The lion has its head caught in the skylight," said Tom uproariously.
U-Station (Anatomy)
The Ear Train comes into the eustachian.
Utter (One-Liners)
My first attempt at milking a cow was an udder disaster.

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