Pun Dictionary: H Entries

Habit Forming (One-Liners)
Making clothes for nuns isn't addictive, but it is habit-forming.
Had Enough (Book Titles)
Christmas Dinner is Over at Last: Ed AnuffA
Had It (Meat)
"I've haddock with eating fish! I never want another one!"
Hail Mary (Cannibals)
Does the phrase "Hail Mary full of Grace" take on extra meaning in cannibal country?
Hailed (Meteorology)
"Hello!" hailed the weatherman. (Previously he had been raining.)
Hair (Animals)
Bald biologists say "Hare today, gone tomorrow."
Hair Cut (Book Titles)
German Barbershops: Herr KuttAJ
Hair Dos (One-Liners)
Do members of the Hairdresser's Union have to pay hair dues?
Hair is Long (Book Titles: Good)
Rapunzel, Rapunzel!: Harris Long
Hair is on Backwards (Book Titles: Good)
Toupee Embarrassment: Harrison Backwards
Hair Net (Hot Cross Puns)
What do you get when you cross a spider with a rabbit? A hare net.
Hair On (Birds)
When the ornithologist nearly lost his toupée in the wind, he said "It's really hard to keep my heron!"
Hair Transplant (One-Liners)
When a rabbit goes to a new owner, it's called a hare transplant.
Hair-a Gone (Europe: Iberia)
What the Geographer said when he woke up bald. "Aragon!"
Hairy Ape (Book Titles)
The Beach Bully: Harry AypJG
Hale (Vegetables)
Are vegetarians healthy? Kale and hearty.
Half (Tom Swifties)
"I could stand to lose 50% of my body weight," said Tom affably.
Half Off (Two-Liners)
You can always get good discounts at topless clubs. Everything is half-off.
Half Stein (Animals)
It was an odd accident scene. Of the farmer's two black-and-white cows, one was unscathed, and the other was cut cleanly in two. "Well sir," said the investigator, "it looks like you have one holstein and two halfsteins."
Half-Acid (Tom Swifties)
"The pH of this solution is just 3.5," said Tom half-assedly.
Half-Cocked (Tom Swifties)
"That's the last time I skinny-dip with piranhas," said Tom half-cocked.OK
Half-Firmed (Tom Swifties)
"The jelly is 50% set," Tom affirmed.
Half-Hearted (Cannibals)
"OK, here's your portion," said the cannibal half-heartedly.
"Argh, I've just been stabbed!" said Tom half-heartedly.
Half-Witted (Tom Swifties)
"My I.Q. is 50% of normal," said Tom half-wittedly.OK
Hallelujah (Book Titles)
Handel's Messiah: Ollie LuyahJG
Halloween (Halloween)
If we all dressed up as angels on October 31, we could call it Haloween.
Do donkeys dress up for Hee-Halloween?
Halt [caused by bad operation] (Tom Swifties)
"Looks uncomputable to me," said Tom haltingly.
Ham and Eggs (Book Titles: Good)
The Good Breakfast: Hammond DeggsJG
Ham String (Anatomy)
One should use a hamstring to tie up a pig.
Hamilton (Canada)
The place to go to hear pigs recite Paradise Lost is Ham-Milton.
Hammer Rabbi (One-Liners)
I gave a carpentry tool to a Jewish religious leader and got a Babylonian king: Hammurabi.
Hand in It (Expressions)
I did not design the new glove, but I definitely had a hand in it.
Hand It Over (Book Titles)
Theft and Robbery: Andy Tover4
Hand It To (Expressions)
You've really got to hand it to short people - because they probably can't reach it anyway.
Hand Over Hand (Book Titles)
Mountain Climbing: Andover Hand
Handle (Music)
It's a tough job being a musician. Are you sure you can Handel it?
Hand-Off (Cannibals)
When playing football with cannibals, be wary of any play that involves hand-offs.
Handout (Cannibals)
Do cannibals on welfare want hand-outs?
Hands Do Little (Book Titles: Good)
Lazy Employees: Hans Doolittleo
Hands Down (Expressions)
The best time on the clock is 6:30, hands down.
Hands Free (Book Titles: Good)
No Germans Here: Hans Frei
Hands Up (Book Titles)
The German Bank Robbery: Hans ZuppJG
Handy (One-Liners)
Learn sign language; it's very handy.
Handy Man (Two-Liners)
Our maintenance man lost his legs on the job. Now he's a handyman.
Hannibal Lecter (Cannibals)
Do cannibals deliver lectures from a Hannibal Lectern?
Hanukkah (Book Titles)
Jewish Holidays: Hannah KuhhJG
Hap [Mr Rockefeller's wife]-less (Tom Swifties)
"Mr. Rockefeller did not bring his wife," said Tom haplessly.
Happening (Europe: Italy)
"Hey, dude, what's Apennine?"
Happy [Snow White & 7 Dwarfs] (One-Liners)
Statistically speaking, six out of seven Dwarves are not Happy.
Happy Birthday (Book Titles)
One Hundred Years Old: Abbie BirthdayJG
Harbour (Toronto)
One would expect to find docked ships on Harbord Street.
Hard Pressed (Tom Swifties)
"Don't make me drink that alcoholic cider," said Tom, hard-pressed.OK
"I'll have a glass of that cider," said Tom, hard-pressed.OK
Hard to Beat (Expressions)
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.Pun.me
Hard to Find (Expressions)
I wanted to start a professional hide-and-seek team, but couldn't. Good players are hard to find.
Hard to Put Down (Expressions)
Did you read the book about anti-gravity? It was hard to put down.
Hardened Criminal (Jokes)
What do you get when you pour cement on a burglar? A hardened criminal.
Hardens (Europe: France)
As concrete dries, it Ardennes.
Hard-Hitting (Expressions)
Are documentaries about boxing supposed to be hard-hitting? (And will they be reviewed in the magazine Punch?)
Hardy (Tom Swifties)
"Don't rest on your laurels," said Tom hardily.
Harmony (Music)
People in choirs are peaceful. They like to live in harmony.
Harp (Music)
Yes, yes, I know I should practise my piano. Don't harp on it.
Harrowing (One-Liners)
Living through the accident in the farmer's field was a harrowing experience.
Hash [cannabis] (One-Liners)
I wonder if cannabis supporters use hashtags on social media?
Hastily (Tom Swifties)
"I don't need rocket boosters to help me run faster," said Tom hastily.
Hat Her Ass (USA)
Stella put a cap on her butt and said it came from Cape Hatteras.
Hate Tea (North America)
"Do you like coffee?" "Yes, but I Haiti."
Haul This (Halifax)
"You want me to haul that stuff away?" "Yes, I want you to Hollis to the dump."
Haunting (Ghosts)
The Ghost Choir sings haunting melodies.
Have A (Asia: Southeast)
Java 'nother cup of coffee, matey.
Have A Long (Europe: United Kingdom)
We may have come a long way, but we still Avalon way to go.
Have a Nacho (North America)
Nachos were Mr. Cho's favourite snack. When he moved to Cuba, he became known as Havana Cho.
Have an Arrow (Vegetables)
Why didn't the pepper shoot his bow? Because he didn't habanero.
Have Another Look (Book Titles)
What the Butler Saw: Ava Nutherluku
Have Our Tea (Cheeses)
"Whose tea should I have with this cheese?" "Havarti."
Hawn Shoe (Asia: Japan)
Goldie Hawn buys her footwear in Honshu.
Hay (Meat)
Famous platitude: Make hake while the sun shines.
Hay Stings (Europe: United Kingdom)
"Does it hurt to poke hay in your eye?" "Yes, Hastings a lot."
Hazel Nut (Book Titles)
At The Bottom Of The Can: Hazel NuttJG
Hazy and Hot (Book Titles)
Summer in the South: A. Z. N. HotJG
He Brews (Beverages)
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
He Clips (Astronomy)
"Fred is an excellent hedge trimmer." "Yes, eclipse them into interesting shapes."
He Damn (Cheeses)
"Joe's late with the cheese shipment. Edam well better get here soon!"
He Gypped (Africa)
"He short-changed me!" "Yes, Egypt you all right."
He Licks (Book Titles)
How My Cat Keeps Himself Clean: Felix Himself
He Lies (Book Titles)
Joe's a Politician: Eli Always
He Saw Her (Book Titles: Good)
She Saw Him: Esau HerE
He Stone Ya (Europe: Eastern)
"Did Estonia?" "Yes, bad boy Johnny threw rocks at me again."
Head (One-Liners)
Are hair salon chains run by head honchos in head offices and recruit staff using headhunters?
Head Light (Cars)
If I were to plug my head into the socket, would I have a headlight?
Head Lights (One-Liners)
Silly Billy thought that head lice would help him see in the dark.
Head Lines (Two-Liners)
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines everywhere!
Head of Steam (Book Titles)
Gangway!: Hedda SteamJG
Head Them Off at the Pass (Cannibals)
Would "Head them off at the pass!" mean something different in a cannibal Western movie?
Why did the French executioner in the Wild West set up his guillotine in the mountains? So he could head them off at the pass.
Heal (One-Liners)
The motto of a combination veterinary clinic and dog obedience school could be "Here you come to heel."
Heal 'em (Chemistry: Elements)
What doctors do to sick chemists: Helium.
Hear the End of It (Expressions)
I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.
Hearing (Meat)
A hard of hearing fisherman needs a herring aid to help him hear.
If a deaf man has time in court, is it still called a hearing?
Heart (Anatomy)
I don't have the heart to tell her she has angina.
Heart Felt (Two-Liners)
I cut a heart shape out of red felt and glued it into a greeting card so that it would be a heart-felt expression of love.
Heartwarming (Cannibals)
Do cannibals think that "The History of the Microwave" is a heartwarming story?
Heatedly (Tom Swifties)
"Quick, start a fire!" bellowed Tom heatedly.
Heat-Ted (Tom Swifties)
"Theodore, you will soon be promoted from editor to editor-in-chief," said the cannibal heatTedly.
Heave Ho (Book Titles)
Pull with All You've Got!: Eve Ho
Heaving [vomiting] (Tom Swifties)
"I didn't know I got airsick," said Tom, heaving it aloft.
Heavy (Tom Swifties)
"I've gained thirty pounds," said Tom heavily.
Heavy-Handed (Tom Swifties)
"These boxing gloves are too big," said Tom heavy-handedly.
Hector (Measures)
The Greek hero was Hector, not hectare!
Hedge (One-Liners)
A cautious topiary artist will hedge her bets.
Should gardeners invest in hedge funds? They offer opportunities for growth.
Hee-Haw (Ghosts)
Is the favourite vintage TV show of ghosts Hee-Haunt?
Heir (Jokes)
What's the difference between Prince William and a tennis ball? Prince William is the heir to the throne, and a tennis ball is thrown in the air.
Held Up (Expressions)
Why was the belt arrested? It held up a pair of pants.
Hell (Jokes)
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
He'll Bop (One-Liners)
Muhammad Ali's favourite comet could have been Hale-Bopp (you one).
Hell Fax (Canada)
A fax from Beelzebub could be called a Halifax.
Hell if I know (Hot Cross Puns)
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros? Elephino!
Hell In (Names)
When things go from bad to worse, she says "I'm going to Helen a hand-cart."
Hell In A (USA)
Archaic expression: "Going to Helena hand-cart."
Hell in a Handbasket (Book Titles)
Where the World is Going: Helena Handbasket
Hell of It (Meat)
"Why did you poach fish?" "Just for the halibut."
Hell on Earth (Book Titles: Good)
I Lived in Detroit: Helen Earth
He'll Sink Ye (Europe: Scandinavia)
Don't challenge a geographer to a boat battle. Helsinki for sure.
Hell to Pay (One-Liners)
If Satan had a hairpiece, would he call it Hell Toupée?
Hello (Jokes)
How do you greet bread? Say "Helloaf".
How do angels greet each other? They say "Halo there!" A typical Hawaiian greeting: "Hilo there."
Helmet Wearer (Book Titles)
In The Trenches: Helmut WearerJG
Help (Europe)
"Do you need assistance?" "Yes, I need Alp to climb this mountain."
Help-less (Tom Swifties)
"It's my maid's night off," said Tom helplessly.
Hem Lock (Plants)
"How can I keep my hem from unraveling?" "Put a hemlock on it!"
Hem Low (Canada)
I'll never understand women's fashions. Some years they have the Hemlo, other years the hem is high.
Hemmorhoid (Two-Liners)
I wanted my rapper name to be M.C. Hammerhoid, but it made me the butt of piles of jokes and it didn't sit well.
Her Before (Misc)
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
Her Behind (Book Titles: Good)
The Posterior of a Woman: Herbie Hind
Her Man Friday (Book Titles: Good)
His Girl Thursday: Herman Friday
Her Mitts (Misc)
Janet's mittens wanted to be alone because they are hermits.
Her Ring (One-Liners)
At a fish wedding there is his ring and herring.
Her Shell (Astronomy)
It's not his shell, it's Herschel.
Her Virginity (Book Titles)
What I Took: Irv ErginityJG
Herbivore (Book Titles)
A Bestiary of Plant Eaters: Herb AvoreJG
Her-dle (Track and Field)
Married to a himdel: Hurdle.
Here (Anatomy)
"Should I put the desk there?" "No, put it ear."
Heretic (Book Titles)
Greek Unbeliever!: Hera Tickd
Herring (Tom Swifties)
"I'm going after that red fish," said Tom erringly.
Hers (Canada)
The male snake hissed, the female snake Hearst.
Hey Why Not (Book Titles)
Who Cares?: A. Y. NottJG
Hey Would You Feed Me (Book Titles)
Hunger In America: Heywood JafeedmeJG
Hey You (Book Titles)
How to Get Attention: A. U. OverthereJG
Hey, Man (North America)
"Hey, dude! What's happening?" "Cayman, I'm doing Geography Pun Tests!"
Hi, Fong (Asia: Southeast)
How to greet Fong in Vietnam: "Haiphong!"
Hi, Nan (Asia: China)
How to greet Nan in China. "Hainan!"
Hi, Ronnie! (Redefinitions)
Irony - How Harry and Hermione greeted Ron at Hogwarts.
Hick Cups (Jokes)
What do hillbillies drink from? Hiccups.
Hide (One-Liners)
Leather armour is the best for sneaking around, since it's made of hide.
Hi-de-ho (Book Titles)
Cab Calloway's Garden: Heidi HoJG
Hiding (Music)
You're not telling the truth! What are you Haydn from me?
High C (One-Liners)
Novice sailors make bad singers because they can't hit the high seas.
High False (Tom Swifties)
"I am NOT on drugs," said Tom in a high falsetto.
High Handed [raise hand] (Tom Swifties)
"May I leave the room?" asked the schoolboy, high-handedly.
High Jean (Tom Swifties)
"I cut off the bottoms of my trousers so they wouldn't drag in the mud," said Tom hygienically.
High Overhead (One-Liners)
Running a store that sells hats made from marijuana hemp is expensive because there's high overhead.
High Pot In Use (Mathematics)
A tall coffee pot perking is a Hypotenuse.
High Road (Africa)
The sore mummy needed a Cairo-practor.
Higher Land (Europe: Ireland)
Ireland is the geographical opposite of Lowerland.
Higher Power (Religion)
Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.
High-Five (One-Liners)
Do marijuana supporters cheer a victory with high-fives?
Hilarious (Book Titles)
Funny Women: Hillary Uss.
Mountains are funny because they are hill areas.
Hilary [Sir Edmond] (Tom Swifties)
"I climbed Mount Everest," said Tom hilariously.
Hill Billy [goat] (Redefinitions)
Hillbilly: A male mountain goat.
Him A Lay A (Asia)
Himalaya down to sleep, he pray the Lord his soul to keep.
Hindsight is 20-20 (Expressions)
We should rename the year after 2019 "Hindsight" because Hindsight is 2020.
Hip (Anatomy)
"Those jeans are real cool, man." "Yeah, dude, I'm real hip today."
Hip-Hop (Anatomy)
What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip Pop.
Hip-Not (Tom Swifties)
"Hey, like, sailing the seven seas is really far out, man," said Tom hypnotically.
Hippo Critical (Tom Swifties)
"Boy, that's an ugly hippopotamus!" said Tom hypocritically.
Hire 'Em and Fire 'Em (Book Titles)
Human Resources Manager: Hiram N. FiremJG
His and Hers (Hot Cross Puns)
When a make snake charmer married a female mortician, their bath towels read Hiss and Hearse.
Hist [Alger] (Tom Swifties)
"I'm no communist," Alger hissed.
Hitch [get married] (One-Liners)
Has something been forgotten when a wedding goes off without a hitch?
Hits (One-Liners)
Muhammad Ali could have gone into the recording industry. All his songs would have been hits.
Ho, Bart (Australasia)
How does Santa Claus greet Bart Simpson? "Ho, ho, Hobart, you've been a naughty boy this year!"
Ho, ho, ho (Christmas)
I saw Santa Claus in the gardening centre yesterday. He was checking out the ho-ho-hoes.
Hobo (1) (Hot Cross Puns)
What do you get when you cross the Green Giant with Robin Hood? A Hoe-Bow.
Hobo (2) (Music)
A wandering, penniless musician, often called a bum is an Oboe.
Hoes (Cars)
The mechanic's a master gardener. Look how he hose the soil and gets the weeds.
Hog's Head (Measures)
A measurement freak would say "In a hogshead!" instead of "In a pig's eye!"
Hogwarts (One-Liners)
Do donkeys learn magic at Hee-Hogwarts?
Hold Up (One-Liners)
A bank robber, impatient at the slow pace of the delivery of the money, shouts "Hey, what's the holdup?"
Hole in One (1) (Golf)
If a golf pro were to get a strike in bowling, would s/he call it a "bowl in one"?
Hole in One (2) (Golf)
Why did the golfer get new socks? Because s/he got a hole in one!
Holidays (1) (Book Titles: Good)
Stunned Over Christmas: Holly Daze
Holidays (2) (Christmas)
Season's greetings from your florist: "Happy holly-days."
Hollow (Tom Swifties)
"I feel empty inside," Tom hollered.
Holly (Astronomy)
Astronomers' Christmas carol: Have a Halley Jolly Christmas!
Hollyhock (Book Titles: Good)
Raptor-Shaped Flowers: Holly Hawks
Hollywood (Book Titles)
Tinseltown Tales: Holly WoodJG
Holy Oak (USA)
The Church of the Sacred Acorn can be found in Holyoke, Massachusetts.
Home (Physics)
A cowboy turned physicist likes to sing "Ohm on the Range."
Homer (1) (Baseball)
If baseball had been played in ancient Greece, would Homer have written "Casey at the Bat?"
Homer (2) (Book Titles)
Poetry in Baseball: Homer
Homicide (Prepared)
Charlie the Chickpea was found crushed to death. It was ruled a hummus-cide
Honda (Ghosts)
Is the ghosts' favourite brand of car a Haunta?
Honeycomb (Jokes)
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honey comb.
Hood (Cars)
The "Front-End Vandal" was really just a petty hood-lum.
Hoopla (Basketball)
Basketball excitement: Hoopla.
Hooray (1) (Computers)
Three cheers for hacking! Hip, hip array!
Hooray (2) (Africa)
"Let's hear it for Zimbabwe! Hip, hip, Harare!"
Hootenanny (Hot Cross Puns)
What do you get when you cross an owl with a goat? A hootenanny.
Hop Scotch (Hot Cross Puns)
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a kilt? Hopscotch.
Hope (Canada)
A familiar cliché of interior British Columbia: "Where there's life, there's Hope."
Hope [Bob] (Tom Swifties)
"Troops, I guess there won't be a Christmas show this year," said Tom hopelessly.
Hopefully (Cannibals)
"Which of you should I eat first? Faith or Charity?" asked the cannibal Hopefully.
Hopelessly (Tom Swifties)
"Will there be a puff of white smoke? Nevermore!" sighed Edgar Allan Popelessly.
Hop-Scotch (One-Liners)
Is hop-Scotch a drinking game for frogs and rabbits?
Horn Pain (Canada)
A headache caused by awful trumpet playing is called a Hornpayne.
Horns (Jokes)
Why do cows wear cowbells? Because their horns don't work.
Horse (1) (Jokes)
What do you call a veterinarian with laryngitis? A hoarse doctor.
Horse (2) (Tom Swifties)
"Let's go to the races!" said Tom hoarsely.
Horse and Buggy (Book Titles: Good)
Life Before Cars: Orson BuggyJG
Horse Jumping (One-Liners)
Bouncing on a trampoline when you have laryngitis is hoarse jumping.
Horse Rider (Book Titles: Good)
Jockeying for Position: Horace Rider
Horse Whisperer (Animals)
"I'm so good with horses that I'm called the Horse Whisperer." "Oh yeah? When I get laryngitis, I become a hoarse whisperer!"
Hospitable (Tom Swifties)
"Have a ride in my new ambulance," said Tom hospitably.
Hot (Tom Swifties)
"These pants are not short enough," said Mary hotly.
Hot Cross Buns (Jokes)
What do you get when you drop boiling water down a rabbit hole? Hot cross bunnies.
Houston (USA)
The American city of colours is Hueston.
How Are Ye? (USA)
"I'm fine thanks, Hawaii?"
How Are You (Book Titles: Good)
I'm Fine: Howard Yu2
How Is Her (Military)
"I just talked to Judy in the hospital." "Oh? howitzer broken leg?"
How Would I Know (Book Titles)
Who Killed Cock Robin?: Howard I. Know
Hubris (Book Titles)
I Laugh at the Gods!: Hugh Briss
Hue (Asia: Southeast)
Corruption in the Vietnam government raised a great Hue and cry.
Hue and Cry (Book Titles)
Lots of Excitement: Hugh N. Cry
Huge Ass (Book Titles: Good)
Big Fart!: Hugh Jass
Huge Nose (Jokes)
What's similar between Cyrano de Bergerac and French Protestants? The French Protestants are Huguenots, and Cyrano had a huge nose.
Hugh's Ton (USA)
The 2000-pound weight belonging to Hugh was called Houston.
Hugs the Shore (Expressions)
When does a boat show affection? When it hugs the shore.
Hullaballoo (One-Liners)
When economists started making a lot of noise about inflation, I called it a hullaballoon.
Hullabaloo (Jokes)
What is the noisiest colour? Hulla-blue.
Hum Bug (Christmas)
After a tragic accident, the rock group "Singing Insect" became known as the "Humbug".
Humanity (Animals)
To support a conservation effort, I "adopted" a manatee. I decided to name him Hugh so that I could say "Oh, the Hugh Manatee!"
Humdinger (Hot Cross Puns)
What do you get when you cross a hummingbird with a doorbell? A humdinger.
Humerus (Tom Swifties)
"The doctors had to remove a bone from my arm," said Tom humorlessly.
Humidity (One-Liners)
When Hume Cronyn sang a little tune about moisture, was it called a Hume-ditty?
Humourous (Anatomy)
Why don't people find bone jokes humerus?
Hump-Free (Book Titles: Good)
No Camels Here!: Humphrey Zoo
Hungry (Europe: Eastern)
I haven't eaten for a day! I'm really Hungary!
Hurry Cain (Meteorology)
Exhortation used to promote speed from Cain: Hurricane!
Hurry it Up (Book Titles)
Get Moving, Slowpoke!: Harriet Upp
Huskily (Tom Swifties)
"Dogs are a great menace!" barked Tom huskily.
Husky (Animals)
My sled dog puppy isn't fat, he's just a little husky.
"I just ate that Eskimo's dog," said Tom in a husky voice.
Hydro Gin (Chemistry: Elements)
The power company's special cocktail: Hydrogen.
Hypo [dermic] (Tom Swifties)
"We need a 10-gauge needle," Tom hypothesized.
Hysterectomy (Tom Swifties)
"Doctor, why do you have to remove my womb?" asked Mary hysterically.

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